39 years after my mother dumped me

Dear Agatha,
I am 39 years of age. I am married with two children and didn’t know until recently that I was adopted. It happened by accident. An elderly woman came to visit my boss in the office. When I got to her office to drop some documents she had earlier requested for, I met this woman there. Immediately I came into the office she and my boss stopped talking; they both looked at me intently. Something about the other woman looked very familiar. It was like I have known her all my life. We could really pass for mother and daughter.
She didn’t say anything neither did my boss. She only motioned me to drop the documents on her table but as I moved to leave the office, the other woman stopped me by asking after my family and my parents.
In the process of answering her, I discovered that her dentition were precisely like mine. Without warning, she got up and gave me a very passionate hug. I didn’t know what to make of her actions or call the wave of feelings that swept over me when she held me very close to her body.
It is the same feelings I get when I hold my children in my arms.
Despite all my attempts to forget that woman, I simply couldn’t. There was something very extraordinary about her. When I told my husband about the incident, he joked that she could be my mother from a previous world.
Two nights after I met her, I dreamt about her. I saw her in my dreams confessing that she abandoned me at the doorsteps of the people I knew as my parents because she didn’t know what to do with me or how to care for me.
She said she was 17 when she had me. She tried to explain more in the dream but I didn’t hear what she was saying again. The dream woke me up. When I relayed the dream to my husband in the morning, he said it was because I was thinking about the incident.
At work, the attitude of my boss changed. From the lioness we all knew her to be, she became very accommodative of me; going to the extent of buying gifts for my children. People noticed her unusual behaviour towards me and began to ask questions I didn’t have answers to.
Two weeks after the incident, the woman I have always known as my mother came in the company of the strange woman and my boss. My father had died a year earlier but my favourite uncle; his immediate younger brother accompanied my mother.
Looking at the delegation, I knew something big was about to happen; something I knew would change my world and going to affect my life forever. Instinctively, I knew the dream I had was about to come true.
My mother and I have always been very close being their only child. She dotted on me. At death my father bequeathed to me his entire property. Though I was a girl but he gave me everything any child could wish for from his or her parents. My mother insisted I work to appreciate the value of money. As a matter of fact, they got me the job with the bank I currently work for. They insisted I shouldn’t be given any preferential treatment to enable me know the value of wealth acquisition. They love me but were rigid about instilling the right values in me. I noticed my mother had been crying from the puffiness in her eyes. I moved to my mother, gave her a hug and held on to her like I have done all these years. It immediately gave her some strength.
Without much preamble, she introduced the other woman as my biological mother. Since I already had premonition of what is to come, I wasn’t surprised with the turn of events. Like in my dream, she said she had me at 17; that her parents drove her away from home. The man responsible for me actually raped her and ran away. She didn’t know she was pregnant until her mother found out and drove her away because of their religious faith. She took refuge with an elderly woman who wasn’t nice to her at all, hence her decision to give the baby to the couple next door to the woman she stayed with.
Being her only child too she wants to be part of my life. I am confused and angry with the two women. My mother for not telling me the truth and the woman who gave birth to me for abandoning me, not caring I could have been killed.
Now how do I relate with the new woman without hurting the mother who gave me love, life and care when I needed it the most? Is it possible for a person to have two mothers?
Arinke

Dear Arinke,
Don’t be angry with either of them. Life is a package of the unexpected as well as the most beautiful. Your history won’t be complete without these women who in their own way contributed to the person you are now.
If the first one had decided to abort you when she found out she was pregnant you won’t be alive let alone be in the position to get angry with anybody.
Don’t forget she was also a victim of circumstance. Raped at 17, denied by her parents, taken in by a hostile woman; what choice did she have back then? In her shoes what would you have done?
Have the presence of mind to look at the issues concerning the situation your mother was in back then; it will help you understand so many things you lack appreciation of now. Yes, she did the unthinkable, abandoning her infant baby but she ensured she gave you a home and parents who wanted you. Frankly if she didn’t care about you or what happened to you, she would like other girls who found themselves in such mess thrown you into the dustbin or a pit toilet.
And if she had taken you along with her, both of you would have either died of starvation and ended up as commercial sex workers to earn a living. God doesn’t allow things happen without making plans for His own people. He knew you would be born in the circumstances you were born in hence made the provision of the loving parents to care, love and support you through life.
If this couple weren’t God’s plans for you, your late father’s relations would have fought you over his property knowing you were only adopted. They didn’t fight you because God is the only dictating the directions of your life.
So, if you don’t find it in your heart to forgive her, you may be denying yourself of the continued support of God in all that you do.
As for your mother, forgive her. Being her only child, she was probably afraid you would deny her and demand to see your real mother. She didn’t want to lose you to the thoughts of who your mother is, what she looks like as well as the day you would see her.
Had you been told back then, you may not have the rest of mind to love her and accept her and your father as your parents. Something inside you would have held back on your love for them.
Not telling you was also in your interest. You were able to grow up without any inhibitions, not thinking something must be wrong with you for your biological mother to have abandoned you at that early age.
Looking back now, you would realise that you grew up as any normal child your age, able to take the discipline of your parents without imputing ulterior motives to it. For instance, asking you to work rather than come straight into your inheritance would have met with some resistance from your end if you had known before now. You probably would have seen such stipulations as being unkind and attempt to deny you of a share in their wealth because they aren’t your biological parents.
You accepted it wholeheartedly their suggestion because of the love and trust you have for them.
Now that you know, be very matured about it. You can make these two women become friends by the way you relate with them. The woman you have always known as your mother is your real mother. She has always been there for you; gave you her life and love to ensure you are the success you are now. Don’t ever forget that without her love and care, you may not be so appealing for this woman to come back to.
As for your biological mother, she also has a role to play in your life. Your forgiveness is what she needs to make her whole again. Give her friendship, respect, care and love. Allow her come into your space anytime she wants to but don’t ever let her forget that the other woman remains your de-facto mother.
By giving her your friendship, you would have healed her of the memory of guilt she had haboured all these years.
Good luck.