Tired but leaving without harming her passion

Dear Agatha,

I write to appreciate you and express my gratitude for the help you have rendered me over the years through your column.

I am a graduate of Geology. While in school, I had a girlfriend I dated from my first year till I graduated. I actually loved this girl but if you can still recall my mail to you, I told you about this lady I am dating five years older than I.  Till date, she still doesn’t know that I have discovered her real age. The fact now is that I no longer love her, but don’t know how to tell her. The reason being that she loves me so much. I am afraid she may do something sinister to herself if she knows I have fallen out of love with her. 

Early this year, I tried to tell her how I now feel about her but she almost killed herself. I was forced to change my mind when her family members came to plead with me to come back to her.  

I was shocked when I saw her because she lost weight considerably. I am back with her, though on a compassionate ground. I don’t love her. The question now is how do I tell her it’s actually all over, because since she has refused to take the hints in my behaviour towards her.

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

In her shoes, how would you feel if a woman you dated for almost five years turns around to dump you without any obvious reason? You had always known she is older than you but gave her hope that you would be with her for the rest of her life. Sincerely, it won’t be easy for her to cope because the two of you have always been together right from your first year to the end of your time in the school. 

Irrespective of the reason you are giving for wanting to end the relationship, your history won’t be complete without a mention of her name. For this reason, learn to be truthful with her. You would be doing her more harm by staying with her when you know deep down there is no future between the two of you. 

She must learn to live without you. No viable relationship can be nurtured when all you feel for her is compassion. You must love her to be able to tolerate her, appreciate her uniqueness as well as make the necessary sacrifices for her. If you continue to delay in telling her, you are making amicable resolution impossible and damaging her for any other man. Don’t forget that being five years older than you, she doesn’t have the liberty of time like you. Having graduated from school, her mind is more focused on the future, which means getting married. Being the only man in her life all these years, it is only natural for her to plan around you. Don’t allow the mistake you have made all this while to persist any longer. You have left the decision too long. Even though she lied to you about her age, you should have told her about your findings, confronted her with what you found out about her age. Had you done that, you would have been justified in walking away from her at that point.

But having waited this long to tell her, you have to apply good wisdom to avert emotional crisis in your hands. Frankly the focus has changed from whether she was right in not telling you the truth concerning her age at the beginning to the merit of you walking out on her at the point she seems to need you the most.

At this point, don’t go to her directly. Go to members of her family instead. Tell them the whole story of your meeting; the plans you had when you both started and how those feelings have changed dramatically through the years. Be honest enough to tell them why you are no longer comfortable with the relationship. It is pertinent to make them understand that prevailing on you to stay on with her is not a solution because you would eventually walk away from it all since your mind is made up.  There is no way they can force you to stay on because at the end of day, it would affect the quality of life their daughter would have with you. They came to you because they fear for her happiness, but when the choice is between helping her cope with the present situation and living a lifetime of unhappiness, I am sure, they would prefer her to have a lifetime of happiness than saving her from her current situation. 

The lesson in all these is for you to be firm in your judgement at all times. If you were very honest with yourself and this woman, this situation would have been prevented. Don’t begin something you cannot finish else you end up with more complex situations as a result. When you found out about her real age, you should have addressed the issue then and not procrastinated till the last moment.

Good luck.