She’s bad tempered, threatens to break relationship

Dear Agatha,
As a regular reader of your column, I have been inspired by your great ability in solving relationship problems. I am currently a 23-year-old undergraduate and have been dating my girlfriend for almost six years. 

One thing I noticed about her is that she is rather a hard-headed girl who neither complies nor compromises whenever we have squabbles. Almost every time she would insist that I am at fault and I would have to be the so-called bad guy to plead for her forgiveness even though I feel pretty much obligated deep down in my heart. We have been trying to solve this issue peacefully and I have been working hard to let her know my feeling, but I get so disappointed at the end of the day because she just wouldn’t comply. What’s more heart-aching is the fact that she likes to use the term “breaking up” almost every time we quarrel even if it is just a small matter.
On top of that, she is short-tempered over little things. Personally I don’t mind the fact that she gets angry at me but the frequency at which she does it is beginning to bother me. She knows her greatest weapon to conquer me is her anger and because of this she is using it to the fullest. It makes me feel so hen-pecked to succumb to this rule of either she’s right or we break up. Seriously, I just can’t accept the latter because she means so much for me. But I don’t want to get hurt almost everyday in this relationship. I am in a serious dilemma, which I can’t share with anybody at all. I do have a family but I don’t have any best friend whom I can share with. There are some reasons I don’t want to share with my family because I don’t want them to see her in a negative light. 

Agatha, could you please advise me how to solve this issue? Thank you so much I really appreciate your time.   
David.

Dear David, 

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. And one of the ingredients for its fulfillment as well as enjoyment is respect. No matter how deep your feelings for her are, you must make her appreciate her need to respect you always. Love comes with respect for our mates as well as for ourselves.

You may think you can cope with her attitude now but a time would come when you would require more from her. No matter how much you love her, it might not be enough to erase the psychological build-up of the negative effect of her attitude towards you. No matter how elastic our feelings are, when a bad situation persists, we could break completely not minding what the consequences are at the end of the day.

To prevent a situation of irreconcilable differences between the two of you, you need to sit her down to re-map your relationship with each other. As the man in this relationship, you must begin to act your role as the head of this relationship. Allow her to escape with constant threats of leaving you is not a solution rather, you are postponing doom’s day when something in you would rebel and completely reject her attitude. 

Sometime in life, resentment would creep in from your end when family and friends begin to mock your inability to organise your home effectively. We are products and subject to the dictates of our environment. Even when we don’t want to react, something in us propels reaction at an unnatural situation we have endured for years. 

Relationship that draws strength from threats cannot survive too long. Therefore, if you really love her and don’t want her out of your life, you have to help her understand that this attitude of hers would eventually hurt her. 

However, you have to understand something of her background to know where to come in. Chances are if her mother is the strong one in her family, she may not appreciate that she is doing anything wrong. Therefore, she would need more than one discussion to make her change her mind. You have to expose her to the kind of lifestyle that would educate her more than words from you on the need to treat the heart and related affairs with more caution. If this is the case, you will require patient and dedication to make her change from what she is now to what you want her to be.

It is also a sign of insecurity. A woman that is secure in the love and warmth of her man would not need threats to beat him into line. Secured people aren’t brash, manipulative or deploy threats to have things done their way.  If this is the case, you have to help her build the required confidence in herself as well as the relationship.

Do this by helping her appreciate that misunderstanding is part of a relationship. Help her understand that dialogue and not threats is what keeps a relationship together and that when a couple has a disagreement, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign but a positive evidence of growing the relationship. 

She has to see that you are no longer comfortable with the way she is conducting herself. If for six years, you have given her all the freedom and chance to change, the time has come for her to effect a change in her attitude towards you as well as the relationship. In plain terms let her know you are fed up of being constantly under threat of her leaving you. The best way to cure her of this habit is to call her bluff when next she threatens to go. You must understand that if she truly loves you, she won’t use threat on you constantly. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life and this relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear or being broken hearted continue to endure a situation you are not happy with especially as you would have to live with for the rest of your life with the decision you take now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive, if not give God all the glory because He sees and knows what we don’t know.

Good luck.