Betrothed, uneducated…now carrying my baby

Dear Agatha, 

I read the mail published on August 18 by worried Kenneth and your response. The way you handled the issue is impressive and shows an intelligent understanding of matters pertaining to relationships. 

I have a very similar problem. I fell in love with a girl who went through secondary school but doesn’t know how to read and write. Needless to say, she didn’t pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations. 

When she gave birth to my daughter and I promised to marry her. However where we are having problem is on the issue of family.

Unknown to me, before we met, she was at an early age, betrothed by her family to a man of their choice but whom she rejected when she came of age.  Irrespective of her feelings, the family is committed to their promise to the other man. She didn’t tell me any of these things when we met until she became pregnant. When my family got to know, asked me to leave her but due to the love I have for her and that she is pregnant for me coupled with the fact that her parents are now dead, I decided to stay on until she gives birth. 

For over three years we have known each other, I have never regretted knowing her. She understands me very well but my fear is that the man in question is still single. Please help me. 

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I sincerely don’t understand what kind of help you want because your case is a straightforward one. You have no business with the man. Your woman doesn’t have anything to do with the man too. Her parents who agreed with the man are dead. That the man is still single is his choice, not because there are no other women he can marry. 

Your wife knew nothing about the agreement her parents entered into on her behalf, because at the time they did she was still a minor. It would have been a different case, if she went into the agreement of her own freewill and let him high and dry when she met you. She didn’t do it because of you. She had turned him down long before she met you. The parents and not your wife are the ones who had an arrangement with the man. She cannot be held responsible under the laws of the land for the agreement entered into by her parents. They are the ones who collected things from him, if he gave them anything in the first place. 

But to be doubly sure that there is no outstanding debt her parents owe this man on account of the agreement they entered into on her behalf, let her go with him in company of an elder in her paternal family to refund whatever is outstanding to cut of any spiritual covenant her parents entered into with the man on her behalf. The idea is to cut off whatever spiritual rights the man may be exercising in anger over her.

Beyond this, marriage is a personal thing. The laws of our land don’t give parents the right to marry off their minor daughters to men of their own choice.  Marriage is her right, the choice hers to make because she is the one who would have to live, endure, tolerate and make the sacrifices to make it work. Marriage is a very personal thing. The only way you can lose her is if you become cruel, irresponsible and lacking in respect for her.  The other man’s marital status isn’t your business or that of your woman.  What should be of concern to you is the baby on the way, how you are going to care for your wife and child. 

Much as it is desirable to get your parents on your side, don’t force them. Allow time embedded in the character of your woman do it for you. If they are convinced that she is as good as you say, they will eventually come to see her as a good wife. 

On the issue of her lack of quality education, there is no end to learning age. She can still sit for her O’level through the General Certificate of Examination. All she needs is determination that applies to everything in life. Once there is a will, there will always be a way. If you are not ashamed of her and willing to give her all the support to succeed, she will be able to overcome her limitations. We all need little encouragement in life to go the extra mile. 

However, you both must learn to commit your journey together in life to God who sees and knows all things. Listen constantly to Him, give in to His Will at all times because marriage is a journey of tolerance, patience, loyalty and faith in the God that brought the two of you together. 

Good luck.