My Wife Says She Loves Me Not

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your efforts at restoring troubled homes and relationships, may God reward you abundantly.

I am married with two children. But my problem is my wife who has repeatedly told me she doesn’t love me. She doesn’t like accompanying me out insisting that my aim is simply to show her off. For five years now, she has never asked me about my parents, we only travelled to my home town last year since we married 2004.

She doesn’t have any respect for me and has the attitude of disobeying my orders. I have tried several times to find out what the problem is, but she has no reasonable answer to give me. We fight almost every time because of her nagging and disrespect. We are not from the same state, she sees me as being inferior to her.

I am planning right now to end this relationship by August this year when our last daughter will be a year old. I am an author and entrepreneur but this situation in my house has derailed me so much that I have lost almost everything.
I have given this situation a serious thought and know that this relationship is not leading to anywhere considering my purpose on earth. We don’t discuss issues together as couple and clearly lack any fixed plans for the future. I do all my planning alone even though I have a wife at home. 

Please I need your urgent assistance because I don’t like taking action alone without consulting people. She has packed her things out of my house severally threatening to leave my house.  

I have discovered several text messages from other men to her phone and mail box. Whenever I ask her who these men are, she claims they are on line friends but one of them sent money to her. I read the message on her phone.
What do you have to tell me please?
Collins.

Dear Collins, 

At what point did your living together as a couple suffer this setback? Have you always known she doesn’t love you? If yes, why did you marry her? Were you to give a fair assessment of this marriage, would you say the fault is entirely hers? And what makes her think you are only interested in showing her off? At what point did she begin to show rudeness to you? Do you realise that the problem isn’t with the marriage but with yourselves?

Like I often say, marriage is about the dynamism of the people involved. The outcome of a marriage has to do with the reason the couple went into it and what they hope to achieve. It is also a matter of what they can each tolerate as well as the practicability of the situation they find themselves in. 

I won’t tell you to quit because I don’t know how strong your feelings for her is and what your limits are but the truth is that for this marriage to continue, you both must sit down to discuss your massive differences. 

At the end of the day, reality would determine what you must do to salvage your happiness and pride first as an individual and secondly as a husband and father to your children. You can only be a good father and husband if you are happy as a person. This is the important thing to look at in this situation. 

A marriage is better than the paper that makes it legal if the two parties are contented with the choices they make of each other and willing to give the marriage the selfless sacrifice to make it work against all odds. 

When a marriage gets to this crossroads, the wisest thing is for the one who feels cheated, is aching from all the pressures of the other person’s indifference to sit back and think deeper. In your heart of hearts, what do you see of the two of you in future? 

This is the time for you to be brutally frank with yourself. Of what essence is this marriage to you? How has the woman affected you positively? What would you miss most about her if she leaves you? Do you think you will have any reason to regret whatever decision you will be making now?

At every point in time in one’s life, there is always a need for some critical decisions to be taken if one is to move forward. For marriage, it has to be continually evaluated to make it relevant to the couple in it. 

If a woman doesn’t hide the fact that she has fallen out of love from her husband, then it means there is a huge problem in the marriage. If she is getting text messages from different men as well as money, what is wrong is so fundamental it would take a genuine determination on both your parts to make things right again.

It is obvious trust, faith, love have all been mortgaged for other not good feelings in the marriage. By being truthful both of you stand the chance of redeeming that feelings that brought you both together; not just for your sakes both in the interest of the children you have brought into the world. 

No matter the reasons you give to justify your actions or she gives; the fact remains that other innocent lives are involved in this. These children are for now the most important; whose interest must be considered at all times; whose welfare must be paramount in whatever decision you take at the end of the day. 

They must not suffer your lack of ability to make things work for both of you or from the wrong decisions you took years back. Every effort must be taken by both you and your wife to ensure these children don’t become victims of the situation between the two of you. 

For this reason, you both must set aside your differences and talk not for yourselves but for those children who are too young to understand why their parents are not like others. 

To achieve this, you must pray for wisdom and strength from the one who is best equipped to provide you with the clear directions. Whatever, God tells you do.

Good luck.