My Wife Lacks Respect, I Want A Second One

Dear Agatha, 

I want to use this opportunity to thank you for your time and advice; God will bless you.

I have been married for seven years with three daughters. I love my wife very much and believe in one family.

My wife told me to bring her young sister to Europe to live with us so that she can assist us in taking care of our children. Then my wife was expecting her twins. Against expectations, she didn’t help as expected when she came to Europe. She started dating my friend secretly, when it came to my notice I was really upset.

I registered my displeasure at the whole development to my wife, who said I don’t have the right to stop her sister from dating my friend. 

Although they are both married now; I didn’t like the public support given them by my wife. My wife and I had a big quarrel over the issue but for the sake of the marriage, as well as my children, I decided to let the matter rest. 

But the situation seems to degenerate everyday as my wife now puts the interest of her extended family before our children and myself. She puts the interest of her mother, brothers and sisters as top priority. I have severally tried to make her understand that the children and I are supposed to occupy premium place in her rating but she doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate my point at all. 

Because of the way she is carrying on, I doubt her ability to care for me and the children when I am old. I am 37 while she is 30 years of age. 

The problem I am facing now is my wife doesn’t respect me or treats me as the man in the marriage. It has been like that since we got married, I thought she will change but she seems to be getting worse, always wanting things her own way or that of her family’s. Members of her family actually want to be in control of everything. We dated for one year before we got married.

I have no father, having lost him when I was seven years of age. My mother is very old and has kept out of our marriage, insisting that patience is what I need to stay married to my wife. 

There is no point concealing anything from you. I went into an affair but ended it when my wife got to know and threatened to take the children away from me. Frankly, if I knew then what I now know about my wife, I wouldn’t have married her. 

It isn’t as if I am not doing well here. I have invested wisely in business and property both here in Europe and Nigeria. My twins are seven years of age while my last child is three years old.  

Agatha, I am scared of what will happen to me when I turn old. Although I don’t like the idea of polygamy, I am thinking of getting married to another woman. Please advise me.

Paul.

Dear Paul, 

What do you understand by the whole concept of marriage? Marriage is both a partnership and a way of life. It doesn’t do well when there is a sole administrator at the top or when there is recalcitrant deputy. The magic is the ability of both partners to merge their differences, tolerate what cannot be changed.

This is because marriage is a bouquet of happiness, disappointments, sacrifices, selflessness, tolerance, determination, patience, wisdom and plenty of faith to make it work. 

There is no marriage without its brand of challenges and offers of frustrations. You come with your own peculiar kinds of attitudes, as well as priorities just like she comes with hers. Both of you are coming with diverse histories which at some point must give way in the interest of the immediate family. 

Because you weren’t part of her initial life or she yours, time has to be invested to get to this point of harmonisation. To insist it comes instantly is to distort the natural order of things. 

Chances are your wife grew up in a family where they all take interest in the other person’s welfare; make an individual challenge the corporate business of the family. In this kind of family set up, it is always difficult for any member to go solo without getting support whether he or she likes it or not from other members of the family. Though you think it is a vice, interference in your family life, she thinks it is the right thing. This is her person, the complete product of the culture of the family you married into. What you see is part of the total quality that makes her so special to you. Even if you knew her for less the one year you both dated before you got married, somewhere along the line, she must have manifested this trait. The thing is that you just didn’t bother because you thought you could cope.

Rather than fight her or use it as an excuse to destroy your marriage, you must find a way of communicating your need of her, as well as your discomfort at the volume of interest in your family coming from her end.

Your mother is right, you need to be patient with her. Dating another woman will not resolve the problem you have in your marriage. Extramarital affairs have never been known to settle any marital problem instead, they only complicate the issues. What if the new woman turns out to have more vices than your current wife? End it and move on to another woman? The question is will you ever find a perfect person? Since you aren’t perfect it follows that no one can be. 

Like you, she too may not understand why you don’t want her to associate with her family members. If your friend and her sister did marry, your objections in the first place were misplaced. That ought to have told you that your objections and stance on her attitude may not be too right. That you also have to consider your real reason you don’t want her family members around. 

Sincerely, there is no way you can entirely keep her family out of your lives. You should be happy her sister got married to your friend, because through your efforts, two people are happy. It would have been a different matter if your friend and the sister didn’t end up marrying. Had you premised your objection on the consequences of your friend breaking her heart, it would have been a different matter. Sometimes the line between selfishness and concern is too thin for the other person to discern. Asking her to keep her family away from your marriage, could make you appear as selfish. It is imperative you clearly make your wife understand the reason for your attitude. 

On the issue of your wife not treating you like the head of the home, it is something both of you have to sit down and discuss without raising your voices. Let her know that irrespective of whatever success she has achieved or the kind of support she is getting from her family, she remains your wife and as the head of the home, she has to respect you. But for this to work, you must show respect for her feelings, as well as an understanding for her position. Most times when a woman is unable to express herself to her man, can’t seem to understand why he appears set in his ways, frustration could make her become rude without meaning to. If being close to her family is the major point of disagreement in this marriage, you have no problem at all except you are unwilling as a man to give this marriage what it takes to work. 

By going out of your way to befriend her family members, getting to know them would make living with this woman bearable for you. By the time you do this, getting her to listen to your need for prime position in her life would be easy because by then she would know that you are not trying to alienate her from the people she has known all her life but trying to create special moments for you, her, as well as the children. You have to give something first, to get her to listen to you. This is what leadership is all about. Respect works best when it is reciprocal and gotten naturally not forced.

God made both of you to compliment the other so go back to him for wisdom to lead your home well.

Good luck.