My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate…

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for years and have two children. My husband and I dated for almost seven years before the marriage and I thought our relationship was admirable. However, since we settled down he has changed. He maltreats me all the time by putting me down and insulting me for no reason. He can’t complain about anything because I clean the house, I cook his meals and take care of the children. I know my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Throughout my pregnancies which were both difficult and resulted in C-sections he wasn’t supportive, but instead picked fights with me which always reduced me to tears. In fact he has made me so miserable and made my self-esteem very low. In addition, his mother maltreats me and he is aware of this and does not even show any concern for my welfare.

All they do is both complain about me especially since I do not speak or understand Yoruba; they knew this before we got married and never hinted that it was a problem to them. Frankly, I am tired. This is not the kind of life I wish to live. I’ve tried ignoring everything by being patient that eventually our relationship will improve, but it’s getting worse everyday. I’ve even tried discussing the issues with him, but as usual he bluntly says that I’m the problem and says it’s my fault and that it’s always the woman who is the source of the problem in any marriage. Seriously, even his mother supports him with that one and has even told me several times. These days when he lashes out at me he always brings up the kids, saying that they are his kids and that he’s the one providing for them so he owns them, and that I’m a bad mother and a useless one for that matter. Once he even asked why I didn’t die on the operating table when I had our second child. I want to leave the marriage because I now know that my husband has nothing good to offer me. I believe he dislikes me and I don’t know why. If I stay, this man will ruin my life and life is too short to waste. I want to be strong and healthy for my children, and not end up being depressed and frustrated. We all know where that eventually leads.

Elizabeth.

Dear Elizabeth, 

From experience, violent marriage is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. It not only destroys one’s self-esteem but also leaves one haggard and depressive. 

It takes the grace of God for any woman who is in a violent marriage to recover and bounce back to her feet.

But this is not to say the man is usually to blame alone. Knowledge and understanding of marriage dynamism demands that wisdom is applied before any rash decision is taken. Your lack of understanding of each other’s language and implication, your different cultures may also be a strong contributor to the problems you are both having in your marriage. It is also evident of the many issues both of you neglected to discuss before you got married. 

Irrespective of whatever is happening between the two of you, there is always a way out. Divorce should always be the last option.

Since his mother seems to have a very strong influence on him, you might have to by-pass him for now and work on his mother. This may at first appear difficult given her hostile attitude to you but you just must summon the courage and see how you can get her to listen even if it is for one moment to you. In a situation like this, don’t expect instant success. As a matter of fact, it may never come, but persistence and understanding of her nature will win the battle for you eventually.

Begin by trying to put yourself in her shoes and her in your shoes. Were you to judge and assess fairly, do you think she might have one or two things to complain about concerning you? In her shoes what would you think of the accusations that you are to blame for whatever is happening in your marriage?

Many a time, we come into our marriages with a very wrong misconception about our mothers-in-law. What was and is still your own opinion about your mother-in-law? Often than not impressions we come with into marriage form our mode of behaviour and eventually the way a lot of people begin to react to us. You may have unwittingly incited your husband’s attitude against you by the way you react and respond to his mother. At what point did she and her son change towards you, because if she didn’t want her son to marry you, given the way the two of them are, your husband won’t have married you. So there is no smoke without fire. Look at yourself critically to know where you put the wrong foot forward. Righteousness has no place in marriage else it will become stillborn. It strives more on sacrifices, compromises as well as humility.

You need a thorough understanding of her person to know how to appease her. Have this at the back of your mind, that she will never go away and that as long as you are married to her son, she will always be there in your marriage, invited or not. 

The best way to deal with an opponent is not to run away, but to develop the patience to know the weak points of the opponent. Every person has a soft spot. What is hers? And why haven’t you made an attempt to speak your husband’s language? Learning the language would give you an edge they would never have over you, the advantage of hearing them speak, making it impossible for him and his mother to decide your fate while you are seated. 

Not trying at all after two years to learn the language makes it easy for his mother to manipulate things her way. There is power in a language and for the simple fact that you aren’t trying to learn is one reason you are still being regarded as an outsider. There is always this soul pull to one who understands one’s native tongue. In addition, doing so would communicate more than any word your desire to be part of the family, learn their ways and adapt to the culture of your new family. Your husband, though weak would feel much better being able to exchange words with you in his native tongue. English language cannot be an effective mode of communication in a home because it doesn’t have the cultural intimacy and bond our native tongues bring to bear on us. Besides, not being able to speak would make the children unable to understand the ways of their people. 

For a mother, your mother-in-law worries that her grandchildren may end up not having a cultural root to peg their existence on. This perhaps forms the overtly claim to ownership of the children by your husband who could be nursing the fear that you may end up teaching the children your language instead of his.

Although his attitude to you as well as his wish you had died on the operating table is callous and unthinking on his part, you still have to exercise more patience for the sake of those children. 

If in two years of marriage you are both having this kind of problem in your home shows that there are so many things you failed to discuss before you went into the marriage. You both assumed that the language thing is something you can handle but it is becoming apparent by the day that you both must sit to discuss it and find ways of bridging the gap it has created between the two of you. Not learning is giving your mother-in-law a good reason to continue to treat you like an outsider in your home. 

Get a friend who comes from his side of the country to teach you the basic words you need to know. You can always build on the basic as the years go by. In addition, learn how to cook his native meals; the kind he grew up with, his mother is using to push you out of your home. 

Battles with mother-in-law are best done subtly, to avoid conflict in your home. Remember apart from you aspiring to be a mother-in-law one day, this woman gave birth to the man whose name you have taken on and father to your children. A wise woman, no matter how difficult her mother-in-law is, must go out of her way to make her happy. By learning to speak her language shows a willingness to adapt to the ways of your new family. Marriage is a school of compromises. Once you are able to win the mother, it would be easier to get through to your husband whose backbone is his mother. 

However, if the violence persists, get someone very close to your husband to talk to him preferably his pastor and if there is no improvement, it might be best to take a temporary break to avert the greater tragedy of a life threatening situation that comes from constant physical assault, to give both of you time to reflect on your reason for coming together. Once you both come to that all important point of knowing that no matter what happens along the line, the two of you are the most important persons in this marriage, every other thing that seems insurmountable now would become a thing of the past.

And never forget to pray and invite God into your marriage because He has everybody and situation in His hands. Good luck.