He Lacks Fire Our Love Needs To Glow

Dear Agatha, 

Please, I have a problem with my boyfriend who has been in my life for years. He is so supportive, but lacking in some qualities I want in a man. I have tried my best to make sure he changes, but he is not ready to change.

He doesn’t allow me to know his movement, insults and disgraces me at regardless of the audience or where. 

I am fed up with the whole thing anymore. Besides, he doesn’t even care about me anymore. He will tell me I am his wife to be, but don’t bother to visit me at home. Despite the fact that he gives me money, he completely lacks in other areas. I don’t want to hurt him by cheating on him, but he cheats on me and flaunts his these on my face. He keeps telling me he doesn’t have my time anymore. 

I have tried to point out his attitude towards me, but he appears unwilling to change. Because he has done so much for me, I don’t want to appear as an ingrate because people who are not close to us won’t know what my challenges are before jumping to the wrong conclusions. 

Please help me out. I don’t want to be used and dumped, because I have turned down a lot of guys to be with him. Agatha, please help me before it is too late. If I try to ask him how he spends his money, he tells me the money belongs to me and not him. Having finished school, I am moving out into the world where I will meet a lot of persons. Please help me make the right decision. 

Betty.

Dear Betty, 

First and foremost, it behooves you to be very sincere with yourself on this matter. Are you making all these excuses because you have finished school and want the freedom to explore the world without the shadow of this man behind you?

Is it a case of giving the dog a bad name to have an excuse to hang it? What makes his attitude suddenly become so unbearable when you have coped all these years?
To avert the many regrets we often have later in life over certain decisions we make, be careful that you are truthful to yourself and that this guy is really all these things you claim he is. 

If it is true that he violates you psychologically irrespective of where you are and who is watching, it is an ominous sign of the kind of husband he would be. If as a boyfriend he does all these things knowing that you are still at the promissory level, hence have the freedom to walk away anytime, then there is no telling what he will do when he marries you. Violence in marriage is very difficult to address and resolve amicably, so beware you don’t bow to sentiment in your choice of a life-partner.

However because of the support he gave you, it is imperative you sit him down to discuss your fears at his attitude, character and reactions to you. Letting him escape with the feelings that you deliberately waited till you have finished school before complaining about his attitude would be one of the greatest injustices you can do to yourself. What others say or don’t about you isn’t as important as the impression of you he would have should you hastily dump him now that you are ready for the world. 

The question you should ask yourself is, is the world ready for you? The real world has many of him so are you prepared? Your level of preparation depends on the lesson you are taking away from this relationship. To have the correct gauge, you have to be absolutely truthful and fair to this man by admitting your faults too. Granted some men can’t handle their temper, what are your own contributions to the monster he has become now? A wise woman knows when to keep quiet and walk away from embarrassing situations especially one that would see the world witnessing her shame. Do you consider yourself as having the right kind of temperament to deal in future with such a situation and prevent your man’s temper from flaring in public? Unless a man is completely insane, he wouldn’t without help from the woman go berserk. Chances are you nudge him unknowingly to react in this beastly manner. Though not an excuse for any man to beat his wife or degrade her, but the truth remains that it takes help from the woman to create the situation.

If you are determined to move on, you need for your own good to learn the diplomacy in man-woman relationship. The essence is not for you to stay but for you to be a better person, woman and partner. Since he says he is tired, don’t force it. From this point, take each day of the relationship as it comes. Give yourself till the end of the year to get this relationship back on the line or wind up. Because of the length of time you have been together, it is important you still give the relationship some rooms to maneuver a little bit. Use this time to talk, appraise each other, grade your relationship with a view of seeing where you both went wrong and possibly how it can be revived but if at the end of the day, you can’t cope, be bold enough to admit it to him because relationship is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. But learn to do so with the fear of God imprinted boldly in your mind.

Good luck.