Dear Agatha,
The way God has been using you to build so many troubled relationships and also save some homes from collapsing is so wonderful.
My prayer for you is that God will continue to give you more wisdom so that you will be a blessing to our generation.
I need your urgent advice on this issue. There is this girl I knew when she was in secondary school living with her aunty in Lagos. She later relocated to Ile-Ife when she gained admission to the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife.
We are both from the same local government in Edo State, but not the same village. I can speak her language very well, because I did my nursery, primary and secondary schools education in her village.
We were neighbours in Lagos before I also moved. When we first met she was about 14 years of age so I refused to disclose my intentions to her.
She is now 24 while I am 30. In December last year, I made known my intentions to marry her to her aunty who advised I should personally tell her niece. I did as advised. She agreed to my proposal. We spent the Christmas period together.
But I noticed she was never too happy and when I make references to her aunty she behaves coldly. She even warned me not to involve her aunty in our relationship. I had to explain that I decided to involve her aunty to demonstrate my seriousness with her.
There was a day I called her in school and her phone was switched off. Having told me before the incident that she had stomach problem, in panic, I had to call her aunty to share my worries with her. My girlfriend called later when she saw my missed calls, confirmed my fears that she was indeed hospitalised following the severity of the stomachache.
Again when I told her of the calls I made to her aunty, she wasn’t too pleased. The next day at night, her aunty beeped me and since I didn’t have enough credit, I told her I would call her the next day, a promise I kept. Explaining her reason for beeping me, she said she didn’t want to be blamed later in life for concealing such important information from me. She told me my girlfriend’s church doesn’t support the girls to marry outside the fold of the church. And that one of her daughters who is close to my girlfriend informed her that she was already dating a man in the church. She therefore told me to discontinue the relationship because my girlfriend was only interested in my money, and that I would end up regretting my relationship with her.
Agatha, I don’t want to hurt this lady, who for all I know may be innocent of what her aunty said. I am worried, she may be out to ruin whatever chance of happiness my girlfriend has with me, and that her motive may have been prompted by jealousy.
When I told my girlfriend that we would be going to see her mother during my annual leave, she couldn’t contain her happiness at my intentions.
Agatha, what do I do? I plan to wed her at the end of this year because I love this girl or do I take to what her aunty said?
Okojie.
Dear Okojie,
Your decision would be based on your knowledge of this woman’s character. From your own observations, you noticed your girlfriend doesn’t appear to have a pleasant relationship with the aunty.
Have you tried to find out what the issues are between them? If she stayed with this woman as far back as her secondary school days, it is a relationship you must be careful to balance with delicate consciousness. The reason being, this woman, irrespective of the nature of their relationship now, will always be a force in your girlfriend’s life.
Whether for good or for bad, she has some level of influence on how things work for her. So to protect your girlfriend, if this woman’s motive is bad is to hear from her first before investigating the authenticity of her story.
This is because when there is a dispute between two persons, each would always try to claim to be the just party. As long as the aunty didn’t employ diabolical means to destroy her, your girlfriend should for the sake of the uncertainty of tomorrow go and make peace with her.
This is necessary because she occupies a sensitive position in her life, a position she can use in destroying her, just like she trying to do with you.
If you weren’t in love with her and reasonable, this aunty of hers would have succeeded in destroying her completely since not many men have the patience to do what you are doing, asking for advise.
Whether she likes it or not, the simple fact that she grew up with this woman makes her a good point of reference to her character. A lot of people would not bother with a third opinion of who she is once this woman has given her opinion of her. After all, nobody can know the quality of a skin more than the clothes covering it.
There are two tribes of people in the world, the good and bad. We all have natives of these two tribes in our families. There is no avoiding them especially if they are members of one’s family. Learning how to live with the bad ones is one of the greatest lessons of wisdom in the world.
This woman is too close for her to avoid, therefore insist on accompany her to visit her and plead for forgiveness even if your girlfriend feels blameless.
In the interest of the peace you are trying to negotiate, don’t tell her anything about what the woman said of her; sincerely, there is a need for you to investigate that too.
This has nothing to do with lack of trust in her, but because a seed of doubt has been sowed in your mind, for the sake of the future both of you are trying to build as well as to provide you with additional evidences concerning the true nature of her aunty, offer to accompany her to her church on one of the Sundays.
Also encourage her through your own story to talk about her past. By talking about your past relationships, you unwittingly give her the much needed boost to talk about her own too. The essence of this is to build trust and confidence into the relationship.
Going to her church is to help you have a better perspective into her persons. When an issue like this comes up, it is always best to depend on what you know because a lot of things might have been told out of mischief. If indeed she has a boyfriend, going to her church, would reveal that fact.
Marriage is more than a wedding ceremony. It takes planning, prayers, dedication, passion, patience, tolerance, caring and understanding. You must make out time for both of you to get to know each other well. Granted, you have known her since her secondary school days, but some things might have changed at some point that you don’t know.
It is always best for intending couple to make out time to study each other sufficiently to know what they are going into. It helps to make the initial years of two strangers coming together to build a home, more tolerable.
Above all, both of you should learn to pray and commit your marriage plans to the hands of God, being the only one who can unravel and do the impossible.
Good luck.
Just Before Valentine
Dear Readers,
The second edition of Just Before Valentine with Auntie Agatha, would come up on February 13, by 4p.m. in the auditorium of the Leadership Centre, 30A Coker Road. Ilupeju, Lagos, having Dr. Chris Williams as Guest Speaker.
An initiative of Daily Independent Newspapers; this year’s edition is supported by Singles Mingle and ACE Nigeria.
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