Dear Agatha,
I have lived my life watching my parents fight. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. I don’t know what love is.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
That your parents’ example isn’t anything to write home about doesn’t remove from the fact that there is something called love. Despite the problems your parents seem to be currently having in their marriage, at one time or the other, love existed between them, strong enough to make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together.
You and your siblings are example of that love. Doubtless, something must have gone very wrong with them along the line to bring about this massive u-turn in their feelings for each other. At one time, they couldn’t get enough of the other.
The sad truth about marriage and falling in love is that it comes with a lot of painful sacrifices. One that a party in the relationship must decide on from the very beginning to help grow the union. Anybody can fall in love, but it takes dedication as well as the grace of God to sustain it.
The inability of the couple involved to take on the responsibility of making the right sacrifices is often the reason most end up bitter and dissatisfied with the choices they have made.
For anyone to remain in love, that person must at all times be ready to endure pains to share in the beauty of love.
Love is living in the body of your partner; it is being able to forgive the person of any offence, helping that person grow, showing respect, making huge sacrifices for that person through accommodation of that person’s faults, refusing to give up on that person even when all indices point otherwise, and uncertain as to where the relationship is headed. It is the failure of most couples to invest themselves into the happiness of their partners that bring about disappointments and bitterness.
For you to recognise love, you must have it yourself because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Learn to be patient, trustful, sincere, loyal, supportive, and tolerant with yourselves as well as understanding of yourselves. Above all, learn to be your own friend.
When you have invested time on making yourself happy, it is only then you can give these things to another person. A frustrated and impatient person can never be tolerant of another person neither can a self-centered be selfless.
Recognising these qualities in yourself makes it easier to focus on a person, who can bring about more improvement in you. It also makes it easier to know where the problem spot with your partner is as well as offer forgiveness at all times whether the person asks for it or not.
Again, communication makes it possible for couples to talk sincerely about their challenges instead of bottling up until it erupts into destruction. When couples quarrel like your parents are doing, it is because they haven’t mastered the importance of talking things over and coming to a middle ground. Love is also about responsibility and respectability. If you refuse to take proper responsibility for your actions, it follows you will lose respect of the other party.
Love is also about being realistic on all matters. Despite being a highly emotional thing, it often pays to be very realistic to avoid environmental frustration setting in.
When love comes your way, treat it like delicate chinaware, one that needs fragile handling, though it is tough enough to weather the storm of life. Love is tough but only if given enough attention and dedication to survive life’s challenges.
You can help your parents find the love they seem to have lost by offering them the right words as well as reminding them of their responsibilities to you all in addition to the example. By refusing to be judgmental and forgiving, you are giving them the benefit of having the best of you.
Whatever happens, don’t allow the example of your parents affect your ability to love or attitude towards marriage. Problems are concomitantly part of life, always to be solved. Once you have the right determination to make things work, they will.
When thorny issues come, it is always best to go on one’s knees to pray and ask for God’s wisdom. Not every matter requires a reply. Most battles in a relationship are best resolved through prayers to God, who has the ability to do all things right.
Good luck.
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