Dear Agatha,
My mother is angry with my father because she found out about his relationship with another woman. She is determined to leave the marriage.
Please what can I do to help them?
Worried Daughter.
Dear Worried Daughter,
By encouraging your mother to stay and fight for the control and happiness of her home. This is the time for you to play the role of a mediator and counsellor to your mother, who by now, is so hurt the she wants to opt out.
She feels she doesn’t have anything to live for, as her trust in your father and faith in the marriage is all gone due to the betrayal of your father.
Her feelings are all understandable, but ones you can help her get over through the right words. Deep in her she is crying for a shoulder to lean on, to assure her she still has relevance in that home, to appreciate all her commitment to your home and husband.
By listening to her, you are giving her the chance to heal and have a clearer perception into areas she is now closing her mind against.
By insisting you and your siblings appreciate her, showing her that while you understand and identify with her pains, leaving her home to another woman isn’t a solution. Make her realise that the issue has gone beyond your father or her for that matter, but to the family she helped your father put together through her children. That any decision she takes now would impact on all of you.
Ask her how she would feel if you have this type of problem in your marriage and threatens to pack out? Would she support you to throw your children into emotional confusion or stay to weather the storm?
Plead with her to consider the interests of her children, who will have to contend with the headaches of having a stepmother as well as stepsiblings if she makes good her threat to leave your father.
Ask her how she would feel if the other woman begins to maltreat your and your siblings, undoing all the good things she has done in your lives?
Let her know that while your father made a mistake she is about to do the unpardonable by leaving her children defenseless and hapless. Tell her, one of the roles of a mother is to learn to put the interest of the children before hers. That as of now, her children should top the list of her priority. You should also make her understand that while it is easy for your father to have other sets of children from as many women as he desires, she cannot afford such luxury because the bond between a child and its mother is too strong and eternal.
She also has to realise the worst kind of mistake any woman in her position can do is to give the other woman the satisfaction of making her desire come through by vacating her home to her.
Even if she is unwilling to fight for her home, do it on her behalf by going to your father to ask him why he did what he did as well as what he hopes to achieve with this affair.
Have the patience to listen to him and not condemn him before he even has the chance to say what is on his mind. Don’t make the mistake of criticising him at the beginning of your discuss else you may push him into defending his decision even if it hurts him at the end.
If your father has a big ego, he may not easily admit his wrong, preferring to lay the blame of his infidelity on things your mother may have done in the past or is doing which are unknown to the children.
Give him the benefit of doubt because there are indeed issues in a marriage, which only the couple involved are aware of. The children may not know about it until the matter becomes too messy and unmanageable, as is the case between your parents. Often, it comes with shock to the children, who have always been under the impression that things are okay between their parents.
Since you are interested in helping your parents resolve this issue amicably, resist taking sides, no matter the evidence against any of the party. What you are seeing may be the result of years of silent suffering, complains and unreciprocated sacrifices. So, be careful you don’t further rock the boat by making it obvious to your father where you sympathy lies.
To resolve this issue, please remove yourself from it and learn to place the blame on the door of the wrong person. Learn to be bold and fair. Let each party know where he or she went wrong as well as the best steps to take in the interest of the children.
If need be, get a respected family friend, the pastor or a family member to help you in the dispute resolution. Get your siblings involved too, to help play up the emotional side of ensuring your mother realises what is most important to her at the end of the day. The crisis will be easier to manage if your mother doesn’t pack out of the house.
The most important weapon at your disposal is prayer. Go to God in prayers to help you by giving you the wisdom as well as the right words to use to pacify both parties.
Good luck.
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