Dear Agatha,
Being a regular reader of your column I am always impressed at the way you handle issues.
I am 27 years dating a girl, 21. She works as a maidservant in our house. We have been dating for two years now and sincerely; I still don’t know where the relationship is heading, due to the disturbing presence of a boy, who lives with us. He served my father and has since been settled by him but decided to stay on with us until he gets a place of his own.
Although he claims to be a staunch Christian, a born-again, he engages in practices, which to me make nonsense of his claims as born-again.
I have noticed the closeness between him and my girlfriend. He is in the habit of buying her gifts as well as money. He also buys her edibles.
All these started after she accepted to date me. I help her with her academics and also give her money from the little income I earn where I work.
I also made her a promise settle down with her and sponsor her tertiary education once I am able to get a better job, which I know would come very soon.
She surprised me on Valentine’s Day with a gift of a love frame but my joy was taken away when I noticed she equally bought a flower and kept for the boy who wasn’t around at the time.
She didn’t know I saw the flower because I refused to discuss the issue with her directly. In response to my leading questions she explained that our environment wasn’t conducive for her to concentrate attention on me just as her schoolwork was also taking much her time.
I am confused and need your advice.
Saviola.
Dear Saviola,
Confront her with the evidences of what you have seen and noticed. Being a house-help in your home, which deprives her of the opportunity to be with you is not the issue, but sincerity on her part.
Relationship is about loyalty and this comes from faithfulness to your partner. She cannot be in a relationship with you and be accepting gifts from another man or buying gifts for another man. It is either she is wholeheartedly in this relationship with you or out of it. There are no middle grounds in love and relationship.
At 21, she isn’t exactly a spring chicken not to know what is expected of someone who is in love or has given his commitment to another person. Her obligations to you include giving up all other persons and inducements to enable her concentrate on this relationship with you.
You will be stupid and highly embarrassed if at the end of the day, she is not only simultaneously dating you and the other boy but would leave you after you have trained her to be with the man of her choice.
Doubtless, you must love her to have risked the opinions of your parents to date her. But her love for you must be worth this important sacrifice you are making.
Therefore you must urgently call her to extract from her, her true feelings towards you. In your own interest, demand she tells you precisely what she feels for you as well as the other man. To get the truth from her, tell her about your confusions at her continued closeness with the other man. Let her know that you are not preventing her from being friendly with the other man but are worried about the seemingly depth of their relationship.
Go over again for the purpose of your discussion with her, your plans for her as well as what you expect from a woman you are having a relationship with. Also tell her about your fears, confusions as well as anxieties.
In addition, do you have the boldness to go through with it? Can you withstand the initial mockery, snobbishness as well as attempts at superiority of friends and other girlfriends if they find out your relationship with her? It is one thing to conduct secret relationship with her, making it public takes another kind of feeling, another kind of commitment as well as dispositions. You may not have thought about this but she may have done so which could be why she is still keeping her closeness to this other boy incase you grow cold feet when the avalanche of opposition threatens to drown you.
It is also important you listen to her because in fairness to her, your position as the son of the owner of the house may be her real source of worry and reason she prefers the other boy whom she considers more her type. Given the experiences of others before her, she may think your offer for a relationship with her is motivated principally by your desire to have sex with her and nothing more.
If this is her hidden fear, then the issue between the two of you is that of lack of sufficient trust. Frankly, it would take more than promises of sponsoring her through university to resolve.
It would entail you taking some risks of your own like moving away from the comfort of your parents’ home. In all fairness to her, there is no way this relationship can work with you staying in your parents’ home. Don’t forget she works, as a maid there, and there is no way your parents would ever willingly give their support to such an arrangement.
Whereas, this other boy is free to associate with her in the open, your social classes occasioned by the situation in your home makes your relationship with her somehow forbidden.
Your talk with her must boldly address this inherent issue in such a way it would clearly address all her obvious and hidden fears as well as set out a plan for the future.
The other boy may not really be the problem as much as your unwillingness to make sacrifices for the love your claim to have for her. Yes, it is all right to help her with her school work, give her some pocket money but you must address and act on the issues that would give her confidence to give up every other dream to follow you.
This is however premised on how much you want her and your real interest in her. If your real interest in her is to marry her, you must begin to act as one to be trusted, one she can follow with a blind-fold, a fearless and determined man.
A woman in her position needs more than the assurances of mere words. In addition to promises, she needs physical evidences that she isn’t going with the wrong man. After serving as house-help in the early years of her life, she needs all the assurances that a better life awaits her and that she has the right man by her side.
Like you, she is confused about the reality of this relationship.
For your sakes, you must honestly address all outstanding issues including that of her unusual closeness to the other boy.
God will grant you the wisdom to be truthful to yourselves as well as give you the guts to carry this relationship forward.
Good luck.
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