Dear Agatha,
I'm in a relationship where everything seems to be falling apart. I'm 21 while he is 30 years old.
To his credit, he is the one responsible for my education and all my needs. He has also told me of his intentions to marry me, he is known to all my family members.
The problem I have with him is that he easily gets upset. Irrespective of whether I lie or tell him the truth about what I did, he would always find an excuse to complain.
There is also the issue of numerous girls who visit him at his place of business. I noticed he shields the fact of our relationship from these girls.
Now he is planning to travel abroad. This has left me in a quandary because he has not mentioned anything about me joining him or not. When I questioned him concerning whether he would leave me the way things are between us, he answered in the negative.
He remains my first and only lover. Please tell me what to do. Besides, he beats me at times. I want to know if he is in love with me.
Juliet.
Dear Juliet,
Love and care come in different shades of colour and in between these shades come different kinds of feelings, yet to the people involved these variations come under the broad definition of love. The line between desire and possession is so thin that many don't even know the difference.
In his own queer way, he loves you enough to pick and pay your bills. He cherishes you enough to offer you the position of his wife. That, to this man, is enough for you to ignore what he does on the side. His thinking is shaped by his ideology as well as the orientation he was brought up with.
Men who fall under this category see women as an object to be possessed at all times. They ensure their women get all the material and financial assistance she needs which, to them, is more than enough to make the women happy. In return they expect unconditional submission as well as loyalty from these women and don't hesitate to use violence to put any woman who challenges their authority in her place.
As his possession, he expects you to be grateful, uncomplaining and like all the other pieces of furniture to stay where he pushes you. The way he perceives love is obviously different from how you interpret it. Having proposed to you and meeting your family, he is of the view you should be happy with that and not questioning him on his other interests in women. In his opinion, this gesture should answer any worries or question concerning his love for you.
If you love this man, this is one flaw you may have to put up with, accepting that he sees you as property and not a person who has a right to think or capable of being hurt. It is for this same reason he beats you. He sees himself as the lord and master of his empire. Your position as his special woman doesn't give you the special privilege of questioning him.
You have to make a choice between the comforts he offers you or the pains of living with a man who would never treat you with the respect you deserve. If there were problem in this relationship, it would come from you, to be fair to this man he has not hidden from you the type of life to expect from him, and even the quality of marriage he is proposing.
Look at yourself, what do you want? The issue here is not his travelling abroad but that of your ability to put up with his character. Deep down, do you think you can cope with his person or attitude? There is nothing being abroad with him can do for you in this relationship if he insists on treating you like a piece of furniture.
You must consider first your own happiness as well as economic independence in such a way if he decides to punish you by withdrawing his financial support, you can still survive on your own.
This is very important because men like him, when provoked beyond measure use their perceived advantage over the situation to press home their point. This is the major challenge you face with him. If he has started manifesting violence at this early stage, you don't need a crystal ball to tell you what to expect.
Forget the issue of whether he is going abroad or not, concentrate on the more important thing, whether you can really be happy with this man irrespective of being your first lover or not. A time would come when you may not be able to cope with his attitude towards you and unless you have zeroed your mind to endure anything he throws at you, you will end up completely frustrated and disillusioned about everything life has to offer.
Good luck.
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