Must I Continue With An HIV Positive Girl?

Dear Agatha,

There is this lady I am in love with. We have been dating for eight years. We recently went for an HIV test and she tested positive while I am negative. Her family members are insisting I marry her.

I am so confused and don't know what to do or how to go about the whole thing. Please help me.

Confused Man.

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Dear Confused Man,

This is indeed a very knotty issue to untangle, but not without a solution if the two of you are honest. And also if you know what you both want from life.

Have you two been sexually involved in your eight years of being together? If yes, at what point? Did you go through blood transfusion? How did she contact the virus when you are not? Notably, is how you both feel about each other? This issue is not about what her family wants or yours, for that matter, but what you both want. Nobody has the right to pressure you into marrying someone you don't want and in this matter; it is beyond what anybody wants.

The big question is you, your feelings and attitude towards the entire development. The decision is yours to make in the sense that you are the one that would have to live with her, who has to make the sacrifices as well as the adjustment to do things differently. The question I am going to ask you, is how much is your love for her worth?

It is the worth of your love that would determine the step you take now. Do you love her enough to stand by here through thick and thin? Give up part of your freedom for her to be happy?

Recent medical breakthrough has removed the death sentence formerly placed on people living with HIV. It is no longer the end of the road but the beginning of positive living habits. Everyday, the medical world is coming up with new drugs which in the no distant future reduce HIV to the status of common headaches or malaria.

Simply put, because it has been painted to be the darkest medical nemesis of man doesn't mean it is now without medical solutions.

With retroviral drugs, you and your woman can have HIV positive children. If she isn't on drugs and management programme already, she should seek medical attention. These drugs work to isolate the virus load on the human system. When the load is at its lowest or non traceable, a couple can met without the aid of condom with the purpose of getting pregnant. The baby is delivered through caesarian to ensure the mother's blood isn't passed to it at birth.

The only freedom you would be giving up is the desire to make love without having to wear condoms most of the time. As a couple you can still do all the other things couples do together. What more, due to the peculiarity of your circumstance, you both are most likely to be closer than the average couples in the sense that being involved in the management of her health, you are always together.

But you can only see the sliver lining in it if like I said; you love this woman unconditionally and are ready to support her.

She represents eight solid years of your life. Years that gave you so much happiness else you wouldn't still be together. Years of building dreams and planning for the future; eight years of labour to fine-tune each other to the persons you are now. You both have invested so much, time, emotion, money and a lot of inestimable moments to get to where you both are. You must have built a measure of trust to have put up with her for those numbers of years. Do you suspect her of anything? Do you think she got the virus from another man?

You have to be certain so as not to condemn her unjustly. Right now, she is going through a lot of psychological turmoil, leaving her without any just cause would only kill her. You would only be justified if you leave her on account of unfaithfulness to you but if she got it through another means you and I could be easy victims of, it would be unfair.

Before you take any decision, look deep into your mind beyond today, to the future when our feelings over certain things are not as rigid as they used to be. Those are the days of plenty regrets, when ifs and had I known pepper every sentence we make; when we have to live permanently in the past to get going.

Think, how would you feel if you see her then still alive and happy in her new life? You would make the best choice if you elect to look beyond her positive status to those qualities inside of her. Pray and let God guide your steps. He only has the right answer to all our problems.

Good luck.