My parent warned me, now I’m in a mess

Dear Agatha, 

I am in a very big trouble; one I am not sure how I and my two sons will ever get out from. Five years ago, out of desperation and greed I married a man my father disliked and described as a man of unquestionable character. I ignored my parents and proceeded to get pregnant for him. He was swimming in money so I really didn’t need care about what my father in particular said.

Even when I announced my pregnancy to my father as reasons for him to allow me be, he insisted I should not marry him. He told me he would allow me put to bed in his house; that it was a minor sacrifice to pay than me marrying this man.

I ignored my father and went ahead to get married to him legally at the registry.  I got someone to represent my parents. At 35, I didn’t really need their consent to marry.

Immediately after the marriage ceremony, I noticed some strange things about him. He didn’t approve of sharing the same room. He insisted on me keeping my room; his excuse, I would cramp his style. 

Another thing is the frequency he goes out at night for one business appointment or the other. And when he has to go for these kinds of assignments, he stays completely away from me; wouldn’t even allow me cook his food let alone touch him. 

I was curious but something about his attitude and behavior made me to soft pedal. However, he recently took ill, as a matter of fact he collapse and I had to rush him to the hospital. Since he was unconscious, and the doctor needed money, I took the key to his room to find out if he had money.  

What I saw was beyond me. Right inside his wardrobe, I saw a calabash with fetish ornaments and a padlock inside it. Further search revealed different kinds of guns with red cloths and cowries tied to them.  Also in his room, I found a bag containing a lot of money. 

I didn’t bother to take the money or anything from the room.  I immediately left the room, took the key back to the hospital. I had to look for money elsewhere. Fortunately,  he woke up shortly after I got to the hospital and demanded that he should be taken away from the hospital. He called two of his closest, who according to him would take him to their church for prayers. As always, he told me not to bother; that I should stay behind to look after our twin sons.

He is better now. But I am now very scared of him. There is no doubt that my husband is an armed robber. But who do I tell? What can I do?  Can I divorce him?  I cannot go to the Police because I happen to know he is highly connected in the Police force. I am so confused. He is beginning to question me about my behavior as I seldom allow him come near me and the children. Twice he has asked me if I entered his room while he was unconscious, I lied about not having the key to his room, hence the question of me entering the room doesn’t even arise.

Please, Agatha, I respect you so much. What can I do without incurring his wrath and putting the lives of my entire family members at risk? This guy is mean and capable of hurting me and my family members.

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife,

First things first,  you need the wisdom of God to untangle yourself from this whole mess. Pray and be very calm else you risk making another huge mistake.

While you calculate your options, continue to behave as if nothing is wrong. Criminals are the most intelligent people around. He must have guessed from your attitude towards him that you have unveiled his secrets and only bidding time to expose him.

But because you are his wife, the mother of his sons in addition to lack of evidence to nail you, he is keeping calm but also watching you closely. He may also have recruited one or two persons to trail your movement which makes any stupid move on your part very dangerous.

What simply has changed is that you now have evidence of his profession;but   beyond that, he remains your husband; the same person you have slept, romanced, ate and played with. You must continue to function in all these roles until such a time that you can take your leave of him.  To deny him these rights is to further up his scale of suspicions against you.

Besides, if you are truthful to yourself, you knew from your account that something wasn’t right about the man you married from the moment he denied you free access into his room. When a man ignores your food at a certain time, doesn’t allow you near him also at that particular time, should that have alerted you to something sinister about him, Shouldn’t you have known that it wasn’t normal a behavior for a man to refuse food and sex simply because he has a business assignment?

Didn’t you wonder or ask what kind of business assignment would prevent a man from sleeping with his wife or eating her food?

And when these kinds of assignments became a regular feature with him, did you for once demand to know or find out what nature of business he was into?

The issue here is long past regrets. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock; meaning you have to continue to endure this situation.

The less you talk about it the better for you. Mop up as much money as you can from him. Give yourself a target to leave him. To stay more than necessary is to endanger your life and those of your children. Be careful, this is not the time for you to play smart. With this money, you can buy your freedom from the bondage your greed and disobedience of  your father’s warning put you into.

This is because in the eyes of law you are his wife; you could easily be accused of trying to blackmail him by the same people within the Police who have been protecting him. The so called guns could easily be removed from the house, leaving you without evidence to back up your claims.

Be reminded that there is no law in this country that prohibits keeping of charms in the house. He could easily claim the charm pot you saw is for protection, including yours as well. You will only look stupid at the end of the day. The only thing you would have achieved by this is to further put yourself in a more deadly position. Therefore perish this thought.

Divorce isn’t also an option. On what grounds would you be divorcing him? Instead of considering this option, why not instead become more loving to distract him?

Your chances of escaping with the children will only be enhanced if he lets down his guard around you. To take him off your trail, tell him you have been worried about his health hence your seemingly withdrawal from him. Make your move only when sure he has eased up.

Make sure you don’t stay in this country. Go as far away from him as possible.

But if you are in Lagos, please come to our head office so you and I can talk. There are certain things I cannot say here. But in the meantime, continue to pray for him, you and the children.  Your family really needs the intervention of God to make right all that is wrong in your home.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel:08054500626

Does she really love me?

Dear Agatha,

I met this lady in December, last year. I live in Port Harcourt while she stays in Enugu. But the distance has not stopped our constant communication, except for some few days when I was really pressed for time or had difficulties connecting with her. Since we met, I have done my best to call her everyday. She knows how much I care for her and has confessed to me that my calls have made it impossible for her not to think of me.

Through our daily talks, there is no member of her immediate family that I haven’t spoken with. In addition, I don’t there is nothing we don’t know about each other. But I am currently confused. Unlike when we just started, she no longer calls as frequently as she used to. In the early days, there was no day she didn’t give me a beep, especially when she thought I was late in calling her for the day.

The story is now reversed. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother. Recently, I put her to test by refusing to call her for three days. To my surprise, she also didn’t. She simply didn’t care to find out the reason I didn’t call her. I’ve proposed to her and she has accepted, yet for more than three months now, I’ve not received a beep not to talk of a call from her. I want to marry her. But does she love me? Help!

Samuel.

Dear Samuel,

It takes two to tango very well. There is nothing you can do if she isn’t ready to go with you anymore. From her attitude, something is undeniably wrong somewhere.

Since both of you are living within driving distance from each other, why not take time off to see her at her base? Frankly, there is no way your relationship can grow any further from this stage, unless you both take the necessary steps to help it move on. This is because there is a limit telephone can go. You may both tell each other everything you think the other should know, but it is still too informal. It takes more than telephone conversations to make a marriage work.

To a very large extent, you are both still complete strangers to each other, figments of each other’s imagination. The personal touch we invest in relationships is what, at the end of the day, determines its workability. What a regular telephone conversation does is to help build on what is on the ground. Since meeting each other in December, how much time have you spent together, getting to match your ideas about each other with your true persons? Ideas admittedly drive a relationship, but character gives a relationship spice, flavour and passion. There is no relationship without character of the couple coming into play.

A certain amount of sacrifices is also needed to make it work. There is no way you can both move on, if neither of you is ready to make that vital sacrifice needed to grow the relationship. As the man, take time out to see her, spend sometime with her. No matter how many times you declare your love for her over the phone, a woman needs more assurances than hearing it on the phone. If you were outside the country, it would have been understandable; but the two of you are in the country which makes your absolute dependence on the phone unrealistic.

Besides, at this early stage, other people are also involved in the success or otherwise of a relationship. This is because you are strangers to each other. Her friends and family members would naturally ask why you are finding it difficult to even pay her a visit, raising the suspicion that you may be married or engaged in a serious relationship. Others would wonder at the rationale of her accepting to marry a man who, though calls everyday, remains a complete stranger to her. Because there is nothing solid yet between the two of you, such remarks do have a way of bringing up hidden fears of the unknown. This is why you must go to her to explain and re-assure her of your love as well as intention to marry her, if she will have you.

Use the time to get to know her; sometimes what we think we know may turn out to be mere fallacy.

As a matter of fact, both of you must make out time to know the human beings behind the mask you both wear. I ask, how much of this woman you intend to spend the rest of you life with do you know? Beyond what she tells you about herself, can you defend her person if she gets into some kind of trouble? Sincerely, will you be able to stick out your neck for her under circumstances that appear questionable?

It is even more for your sake that you should make out time to study at close range the woman who is to become the mother of your children. It is only after you had seen her, talked to her that you can make up your mind about her. But you must give her room to explain her strange behaviour as well as her reason for her apparent indifference to your presence in her life.

Good luck.

Do I tell this stranger I love him?

Dear Agatha,

A few months ago, I started developing feelings for this man I have never seen. I heard from the people around him that he is a popular and down-to-earth man. As a result of this,  I decided to add him on my Facebook. I thought it was just mere admiration for him but my feelings have grown from mere feelings to something deeper. 

This is because, if I don’t have any excuse to talk to him, I would use academics related topics to make him communicate with me. I eventually got him to give me his number this way. I’ve spoken to him and I know now that what I feel isn’t just mere admiration. I’m in love and in a big dilemma now.

My friend advised me to tell him I would like to meet with him but I’m scared he might reject my offer because he is a really busy man, even if he accepts how would I tell him? What if I tell him and he thinks I’m a stalker and begins to avoid me?

On the other hand, if I fail to tell him, I’ll keep wondering for the rest of my life what would have happened if I had told him.

Agatha, he is everything I want in a man, but he’s like a star, too high up to be reached so what do I do?
Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl,

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But before you try to reach him, first X-ray your feelings for him.

Why do you think you are in love with him? What is the attraction especially for someone you haven’t met? Is it the fact that he is popular that excites your imagination and has fueled your desire to share his life? Would you have been attracted to him if he wasn’t popular and appears successful?

The issue here isn’t that you are attracted to him but that you must ascertain first to yourself why you find someone you have never met so appealing and compelling.

If you cannot convince yourself on what you feel and why, it would be difficult to make him understand your feelings for him.

This is precisely why you must first clear all the hurdles and answer the questions he will definitely ask you by the time you demand for a meeting with him to tell him how you feel about him.

His disappointment will definitely not be your feelings for him but that you are unable to even convince yourself on the reason you want him in your life.

There is no reason why you cannot meet him. Since you have established the contact, it is a simple matter of telling him you want to know the friend who has been of tremendous help to you on the issues you have discussed with him so far.

If he agrees, don’t drive him away with your come on red signs. Play it cool. Thank him for making out time to meet with you. Keep the conversation light and non-personal to give him time to soak in you personality and you the opportunity to meet with the person behind the mask.

This way, it would be easier for both of you to keep up discussion; until you feel comfortable to broach the subject of your feelings to him.

Sincerely, there is nothing out of the ordinary telling a man you like him but like I said earlier, be sure you know the person of the man and your reason for wanting this particular man in your life.

The danger of telling the wrong man you are in love with him is he misinterpreting your feelings for something else. While a matured minded man would appreciate and treat such a woman with utmost respect and care, a lousy man would see it as an opportunity to take advantage of the woman’s feelings.

This is why you must not rush into telling this man anything. Be sure he has the broadness of mind to appreciate your kind of person as well as your sincerity to come out with what you feel.

Besides, his popularity exposes him to all manner of women. I am sure you won’t be the first woman to fall for him. You have the difficult task of ensuring you are not like all the other women that have put on the red alert for him.

If you are too forward and unable to control your emotions, you risk losing forever the chance of making him know you are different from all the other women he has met.

As for being afraid of approaching him; don’t be. Fear has never achieved anything positive for anybody. Rather, it is known to rob people of their happiness.

While your situation may not be conventional, still, it isn’t strange. You cannot stop what you feel for anybody as long as it is from the heart.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I’m so confused and in need of help

Dear Agatha,

In the last mail I sent you, I informed you of the well paying job I got and how I wanted to meet a lady I hope to get married next year. 

Well, the truth is, I lost that job even before I started it. The excuse was that they didn’t even have money to pay me. I have to get a job, even trying out job agencies to no avail. I don’t know what to do since I don’t have a family or friends who can help me. 

My being a university drop out is a major problem I have.
I can administer a business efficiently and effectively. I can also create simple business systems and structures for small businesses. I have business ideas that can provide solutions to the Nigerian economic problems. 

I am a writer and can prepare business plans and proposals, memos and reports. I have a handwritten book but yet I can’t earn money.
I need help Agatha. I can’t help myself, neither do I have anybody who can or wants to assist me in solving my problems. I can earn money through the internet through blogs. 

All I need is a laptop and internet connection. I could have done this but I don’t even have savings. Life is meaningless to me. Please I need any good meaning Nigerian to help me. I do not need money but just a laptop and internet connection or even best a job. I’m losing my mind.
Nino.

Dear Nino,

Your problem may not be just getting a job but that of addressing the source of your challenges.

At times, when things aren’t working out in one’s life, despite explicit opportunities, the person should go back into his or her foundation for answers.

There is no denying the truth that prevailing conditions in the country makes it impossible for the average person to make ends meet or for employers to meet their monthly obligations to their employees.

However, this doesn’t overshadow the indicator that some problems are more spiritual than physical.

Look into your family for clues. What is the situation in your family? How many of the men in your family have good stories to tell? Why did you drop out of school? at your age, who has made it despite the odds facing him in your entire family set up?

By the time you are through examining these, how you should proceed with your situation would be clear to you.

While there are people out there who may want to invest in you, without you getting rid of the spiritual burden trailing you, chances of you succeeding in life are somehow slim because first and foremost our foundations are very critical to who we are.

It takes the special grace of God for anyone afflicted by family curses and declarations to succeed.

Deal with that first by going for deliverance. In your condition, getting married shouldn’t be your major priority. Unless you are prepared to pray yourself out this situation, you may not have the wellness of mind or peace to enjoy your marriage.

Besides, how do you hope to cope when the children starts coming without a stable job?

This is why you must first clear out the webs of frustration and financial stagnation before moving on with your plans to marry.

You also have to begin to consider other things you can do if you are unable to get anybody to donate a computer to you.

What kind of other things are you good at? Although not everybody is keen on going back to the farm but farming is one way a lot of promising young men and women are sustaining themselves.

Surely your family members can assist you with a portion of land to do some farming while you pursue other things.

Pray, fast to God for His help and mercy.

Good luck.

My son threatens to sell our house…

Dear Agatha,

Please help me resolve the crisis brewing among my children. I have four children, two boys and two girls. Since the death of my husband, I have tried my possible best to be a good mother to them all.

I honestly thought I had succeeded until this recent development among them. Recently, my second son, a replica of my late husband took certain money from my wardrobe. When I discovered the money was missing, I thought it was my eldest son and didn’t hesitate to accuse him of stealing my money. I know both of them are in the habit of pilfering, but this amount was too much for me to endure. It was the first time they would take as much as N10, 000 from my room. 

Besides, the money wasn’t mine. It belonged to someone in the office, and since I didn’t have money from anywhere to replace it immediately, I cried out.

I had already called the attention of my younger brother, whom I call frequently to effect discipline when they become too difficult for me to handle, upon the discovery that my second son actually took the money. By the time my brother came the whole matter had become too messy, as my other children had taken a stand against my second son and me. They didn’t stop at accusing me of favouring him more than the rest, but also think I am the cause of their bad behaviour, a position my brother agreed to.

The issue is so bad now that my eldest son took away the DVD machine at home to sell. And when I asked him, he said since I didn’t do anything to my second son when he took my money, he being the eldest reserved the right to do what he liked. He has threatened to dispose of the house we reside, the only thing their father left behind for them.

Please help me resolve this crisis among my children by telling me what to do. I have asked my eldest son to return the DVD machine he sold but he is adamant. Don’t know what to do to him.

Worried Mother.

Dear Worried Mother,

If your children are divided against themselves, it is because you didn’t do your job as a good mother. If your eldest son is selling off the property, it is because you licensed one of your sons to steal on account of him taking after your late husband in looks.

The sad truth is, if you don’t begin to play a fair game with all your children, not only would you be the doom of your sons but the girls too, who from the examples of their brothers either take to stealing or do other things to scandalise you the more.

To prevent the surprise of you coming home to meet the house already in the hands of its new owners, remove every document that has to do with the house to a place of safety. Your eldest son may not intend selling it, but could do so out of a sense of hurt as well as perceived injustice actually carry out his threat. Again, he may not be serious about selling the house, whereas your second son who seems able to get away with anything where you are concerned could wake one day and decide that the money he steals from you isn’t enough and that selling the house would be the only way he can raise the kind of money he needs. It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be caught on the wrong side napping.

Candidly, you need to apologise to your children because you wronged them as well as pushed them into situations they ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed their minds. There is no substitute to fairness in everything we do. Being fair means allowing the will of God to prevail at all times.

Much as I disapprove of what your eldest son did, why should he return the DVD machine when you are silent on the crime of stealing N10,000 by your second son took? What makes your second more of a son to you than your first? There is no way he would return that machine until you learn to be fair to all of them. Seeing that you are willing to condone and conceal murder as long as your second son is happy and protected while you demand for justice when it concerns the rest would prevent the return of your DVD machine.

If I were you, I won’t press too hard, rather would look for ways of ensuring that it never occurs again by disciplining the second son severely for his audacity to go into my room to take money not meant for him. It is the only way you can buy back your integrity as a mother and the head of the home. Since you lack the strength to apply sanctions, call in your brother to do it for you. The punishment should be such that the others would see that actually justice being done and also the process of your second’s recovery programme. The danger of allowing things to continue this way is the possibility of him joining up with other criminally minded persons in the society. By then, it won’t just be your brother and children witnessing your shame, but the whole society who would question your sense of judgement as a mother.

Yes, he is like your husband, but the question you should ask is, would he be happy at the way you are bringing up this child? Would he support you turning his child into an armed robber? That you discipline a child doesn’t mean you hate a child. The Bible is very explicit on discipline. Nobody is saying you should not pamper a child, but when it becomes unreasonable you expose the child to man’s natural vile. When this child becomes too large for you to manage, it won’t be because you love him too much but that you are an irresponsible and very careless mother.

For this reason, you must do everything to beat him back into shape. Show him that he can’t always have everything in life. That life is about choices of what you want and what you need. He may want the whole world, but does he need the things he is asking for, stealing your money to buy? Because you have allowed him to escape with the idea that he can always get what he wants, he won’t stop at stealing your things, but also those of other people around too when he doesn’t get anything to take in the house.

Asking your children for forgiveness would first of all douse the tension generated by your levity in handling the matter. At the meeting, be humble enough to admit your mistake as well as discuss how you intend moving the family forward.

If you are honest and your other children see you are serious about changing the situation in the house, they would begin to change for the best. And on those days you make mistakes, they will understand that it is part of life and offer you their support to succeed.

As a mother who loves her children, always go to God day and night because parenting isn’t an easy task. There is a fine line between love and indulgence. You need His presence to constantly remind you when to draw the line, to remind you when to laugh and when to frown at them, when to joke and when to scold them. Always commit them into the able hands of God who has the ability to control the excesses of the youths.

Good luck

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Jilted man’s love for ex still strong

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for the solutions you keep proffering to the many problems people bring to you. I am a regular reader of your column. In fact, it is what influenced my choice of the titles of Independent Newspapers.

 I have a friend who was involved in oath taking with his former girlfriend. It all happens that they have been in a relationship for quite sometimes and anytime you see one of them, it means the other one is right behind. Along the line, the lady now decided they take an oath to keep them together irrespective of what comes their way.

 Subsequently they both took an oath, but she later left him to marry another man in a traditional way. After the birth of her first child, she and the man went their different ways and the child was taken to the lady’s mother, but later died.

At present, she and her husband live separately. My friend still feels for her and has asked for my advice. Please what do I tell him on this particular issue?

The lady too has been unable to have a settled relationship since then.

Expected Friend.

Dear Expected Friend,

Advise them to go for deliverance, if they hope to be free of the covenant they entered into with each other.

Any oath that involves blood exchange is considered very serious. To God, blood is life. To have exchanged blood means the oath goes beyond the ordinary. It becomes a spiritual bond, which only the power of God as represented by the blood of Jesus Christ can neutralise. Hence the essence of going for deliverance in a church is to ask God to direct them.

It is important they seek the face of God in this because churches these days come with different agenda and callings. While some are absolutely deliverance ministries, some focus more on salvation; others on praise worship, while others are merely after miracles. If you go to one founded on miracles, the deliverance may not be complete. Deliverance isn’t something every pastor is anointed to carry out.

Bringing in the presence of God will also save them from fakes who could capitalise on this to make unnecessary demands on them.

If they don’t do it, they would continue to have problems in their other relationship because, spiritually they have a bond, which makes it difficult for anybody outside the two of them to have a normal life. This is why the woman couldn’t function in the life of another man and until she goes through a comprehensive deliverance.

The issue of your friend still carrying a touch for her in his heart doesn’t arise. She is married even though she and the man are separated. As a good friend and one interested in her happiness, what you should do is to encourage her to go back to her husband. Go to the husband if he lives very close to both of you, to try to see if there is a possibility of the two of them coming together. Chances are that the issue with them is spiritual and once she undergoes a deliverance programme, she would have the peace of mind to live with her husband.

Explaining to her husband what the possible problem is with her as well as their marriage could resolve the disagreement between them. If for nothing, it would help him appreciate the issues at stake as well as inform him on what sort of help and understanding to offer her.

As for your friend, let him move forward with his life. This woman doesn’t love him as much as he thinks. If she did, she wouldn’t have married the man she got married to. That she left him to marry another man despite the covenant between them shows that she doesn’t love him as much as he thinks.

Life is a gamble and most times things do not always turn out the way we planned them. Life goes up and down and whatever God has ordained will never cease to happen. Your friend and his former girlfriend didn’t wait for the direction of God at all. They wanted things to happen the way they wanted without putting the will of God into it. By taking the oath to stay together, they wanted to enforce what God didn’t plan for them hence the problems they are both facing.

Asking God for forgiveness as well as an effective deliverance will ease whatever emotional problems is coming from this woman breaking the oath they both took. He also has to learn to let go of the memories of the two of them. Whatever happened between them should remain in the past because that is the only way the future can have meaning to him. When we refuse to leave the past, it has a way of impeding our progress, preventing us from X-raying the future and giving it the needed attention to make us move beyond the point the past has left us.

His inability to let go of the memories of his relationship with this lady, even after she got married to someone else is one the reasons he is having problems in his own life. You cannot hold on to a dream about one person and expect to see anything good in another person. This lady has to vacate his life for another woman to find space and peace in his heart to exist.

Even if he goes through deliverance and still refuses to let go of her memories in his heart, he would still continue to have problems.

Tell both of them to have faith in God because that is the main key to a successful deliverance.

Good luck.