I'm In Love With My Driver

Dear Agatha,

I don't know whom else to confide in but increasingly I have to deal with an uncomfortable situation. I am desperately in love with my driver.

My husband is 35 years older than I am and has lost some of vibrancy in bed. I was 35 years of age when I met and married him last year. His first wife died about two years ago and he was very lonely. I, on the other hand, was desperate to marry and since no young man wanted me enough to ask for my hand in marriage, I gladly gave in to his proposal against the advice of my mother who felt he was too old for me especially as I was four years older than his last child. His first son and daughter have grown up children and aren't too happy at their father's decision to marry someone they consider too young for him.

The main attraction for me was the comfort he offered me. Immediately I agreed to marry him, he gave me the gift of a jeep for a present and employed a driver for me.

From the very moment I saw the driver, I went weak in my knees. For me it has been six months of hell, as my husband seems to be daily depreciating in bed. It takes extra skill and effort to get him going. I haven't enjoyed sex with him since marrying him.

I want the driver though my investigations show he is married. I probably would regret my decision to come to you for counsel, but for now help me. I want him in every way a woman wants a man. I am becoming very desperate and may do something very silly with him.

Desperate Woman.

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Dear Desperate Woman,

This man is married and you are married meaning you both belong to other persons. You made your choice to marry the man you are currently married to. Nobody made the decision for you. You knew what you were getting into when you decided to marry a man twice your age. So, why are you now trying to hurt innocent persons by your lust? You have made your choice so the decent thing to do is to stand by your marital vows and if this is impossible for you to do, disengage from it to enable this man have peace in his old age.

If the consequences of your dangerous lust were only yours to carry, it wouldn't have mattered much but everybody close to you and involved in this matter would also share in the aftermath.

For instance, your husband would suffer the most. At 70, have you considered the health implications of your actions on him? Do you think his health is strong enough to withstand the shock of finding out the woman he married is sleeping with the man he pays to drive her around? Do you know the embarrassment it would cause him? The pains and memories he has since buried following the death of his wife all coming back in torrent to hunt him and remind him of what he lost in his first wife?

Have you stopped to put the interest of the man who risked his harmony, friendship with his children and the trust of the family of his late wife to bring you into his life? The man who took you off the streets when no single man wanted to have you for a wife?

If for nothing else, can't you think of the honour, care and comfort he has brought to your life? Where were your sexual lusts when you were searching for a single young man to marry you? Why didn't any of the single men you gave your body to and who gave you sexual bliss interested in marrying you?

Didn't you notice his vibrancy in bed was lost before saying yes to him and his money?

Your attraction to him was because of his money and he hasn't disappointed you from the gifts he has been showering on you right from the moment you agreed to marry him. So, learn to live with your side of the bargain else you risk losing everything, your self-worth and dignity as a woman.

Age robs us of our physical strength and vibrancy but not the love our hearts carry. This man thought he saw something good in you to have invited you to partake in his life when he should be resting. You aren't the only woman he has seen since he lost his wife but asked you to marry him on the strength of what he has convinced himself is different in you. Unfortunately, it seems those who warned him against you are right. If this man means anything to you, don't give in to this temptation, which may send this man to his early grave if he finds out.

If you love this man, there are various ways, including the use of sex enhancing drugs such as viagra to help him enjoy his old age. You can manage his stamina if you are willing and ready. A lot of foreplay and gentle talks can help improve on his performance. He may not have the strength of a young lover but he has the experience to make a whole lot of difference if you are willing to help him and the patience to manage it all. As a good wife you should give him the opportunity of learning new tricks from you, the advantage of your youth.

When a man or woman gets old, he or she looks for support and cooperation from the youth.

Among other things, he married you for companionship, support, to drive away loneliness and for friendship.

Don't destroy this man on account of your lust. You are now all that he has and if you cannot give him your full support then it is best you quit instead of destroying what is left of his life.

Have you also given a thought of what would happen to that man and his family if you seduce him? How would you feel if despite your reservation for your husband, you find out he has someone else in his life? Or he stops caring for you on account of another woman who finds his money an attraction?

How would you feel if another woman waits in the wing to take away the definition of happiness you have with him?

Do you think it is fair on this man's wife? His children? Was it a crime for him to have come to work for you and your family? What happens if he refuses you? Have you thought of the possibility of him doing that on account of his religion or sense of responsibility to his family? Has it occurred to you that he could actually turn you down? If that happens, what would you do?

What if he turns out to use it to blackmail you? Or infects you with a disease money cannot cure? What if you get pregnant in the process? Whose child would the baby be? Would your conscience allow you bring up that child easily knowing it could belong to your lover?

To help you resolve your inner conflict ask yourself what you really want in life? Remember, you married this man because of money and he hasn't failed you. It was a choice you readily made so what has changed? Is sex more important than your responsibilities to your home and husband?

Don't you think you are only being selfish, the same reasons you married this man you have suddenly realised is too old for you in the bedroom?

In the first instance, what are your responsibilities to your husband? Have you in your selfish mind ever given a thought to the effects of your decisions on people around you? Is your lust for this man more important than your responsibilities to your home and husband?

Please allow your driver go since you cannot resist him before the damage is done. If you don't do it for your sake, do it for the sake of your man and the family of the man whose home you are trying to destroy. Since you have allowed your feelings get into the way of rational thinking, keeping him in your employ is only asking for trouble and needless complications in your life.

I am sure if you invest the time you currently dispense lusting after him to thinking of pleasurable ways of making your marriage work as well as improve on your sex life with your husband, it would be more honourable for you especially as his children and family members are expecting you to actually ditch him for a younger man after you must have milked him dry of his money.

The feelings are getting unbearable for you because you see him everyday. Give yourself a break by spending more time with your man. It is the least you can do for this man and yourself.

Marriage is sacred and precious. You don't have the right to break this man's fragile heart because what you are planning definitely will.

Marriage is for better for worse. Sacrifices are part of matrimony once the choice has been made. You weren't forced into it, you made your choice out of desperation and greed. This same desperation can make your marriage work if only you give it the attention your man deserves.

Good luck.

Her Bad Manners Frustrated Me To Make Wife Out Of Our Housemaid

Dear Agatha,

I am 40 years of age and have been married for 10 years without a child. Sometime last year after a very bitter quarrel with my wife, she stormed out of the house for her parents.' This has been the pattern of our marriage. After every disagreement she leaves for her parents and comes back only when she likes.

Even though I am comfortable on my own, she was born with a silver spoon and has been over pampered from birth.

I can't pretend I didn't notice or wasn't warned by my family and friends about the consequences of marrying such a woman but I was so much in love with her that I didn't care about any other thing.

I was desperate to marry her and that was it.

Against my expectations, our 10 years of marriage have been very difficult especially as we didn't have a child of our own. Initially, I didn't bother but as time went on, I became very lonely especially as she developed the habit of going over to her parents' place whenever she feels and as long as she likes.

Four years into our marriage she got pregnant and I was very happy only for her to terminate it when we had a misunderstanding over her sense of decency.

She likes dressing in body hugging and revealing dresses. I was very hurt and for the first time reported her to her parents. In fairness to the father he was shocked at her conduct and told her never to come to his house again but the mother only glossed over the issue insisting that the morning sickness may have affected her psychology.

Since I didn't want my own people to remind me I wasn't in charge of the marriage like they have always told me, I lied she had a miscarriage but deep inside of me, I knew nothing would ever erase the incident from my mind.

The incident that led to my writing you happened in December last year during the Christmas period precisely. Since she refused to come home after the disagreement I went out with friends to be happy. When I got home, the house-help had prepared a delicious Christmas meal for me. Although I was tipsy from drinking on an empty stomach, I was also very hungry. In addition to the quantity of alcohol in my system, I drank more brandy to get over my regrets at marrying the wrong woman. I don't know what snapped in me but I found myself tearing at the house-help who was waiting for me to finish my meal in her room. I actually raped her because she fought me all the way.

Though I apologised later, the deed has been done. She wanted to leave the next day but I begged her to stay that it would never happen again.

From her parents' place my wife left for England and didn't return until the end of February. She was the one who discovered that the house girl is pregnant and has been asking her to tell her who is responsible.

I don't need any doctor to tell me I am responsible even though the poor girl has continued to lie about the paternity of the child.

Since then my wife has refused to leave the house or allow the poor girl to leave either. It was only last week when my wife went to see her friend I got the opportunity to ask her about the paternity of the child.

She told me what I already knew and says she refused to say anything because she didn't want my marriage to collapse. She offered to have the baby on her own because it was too late for her to abort it now.

Confused, I told my best friend and my elder sister about it. They are of the opinion that I should move her out of the house and give her all the care and attention she needs, I noticed my wife has suddenly become caring and attentive to me but for me it is too late. From the conduct of the house-help who is actually a secondary school leaver I find myself falling in love with her and very willing to send her to school. For me, my marriage was over the day my wife callously aborted our child, though I just lacked the will to let go but now I have a reason to live again.

Please Agatha, help me. I am so confused.

Alex.

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Dear Alex,

One thing you should never be confused about is that baby. Don't ignore the mother and child. Give them all the love and care because this child and its mother are innocent party in all these.

Wisdom demands you take her out of that house to protect the mother and child. There is no way your wife would ever allow her house-help takeover her home without putting up a bitter life which may jeopardise the safety of the unborn child.

Whatever the situation is between you (you and your wife), she deserves some respect. It won't be right to flaunt the product of your illicit lust with the house-girl right on her face. She may have betrayed your love and confidence in your marriage, the fact is she is still your wife and until you divorce her, what you have done with the house-girl is illegal.

Whatever how reasonable or justifiable you may be, you are wrong to have descended to the level you did with the house-girl. In the first place, you betrayed the confidence of the girl and her parents who released her to work for you and your wife. She trusted you to have continued to stay on as a lone woman in the house. Raping her was a total abuse of her body and trust in your person. What you did makes you as guilty as your wife whose behaviour pushed you into what you did.

In all these, you must never let the girl take any blame for a situation she lacked the strength and power to prevent. Getting her a comfortable accommodation is the least you can do for her now in her present condition. The fact that she took to serve your family in the capacity of a house-help shows that her parents are not in very comfortable condition finance wise. In addition to sending her to school, ensure you establish her in a business that will enable her continue to do her responsibilities to her parents. Every thing must be put in place to ensure the problem you got her into doesn't affect her life and dreams in any way beyond the damage you have already caused her.

Also, you must take steps to let her parents know what happened. Don't capitalise on her refusal to say anything, ignore what you to have to do if you hope to be part of the child's life. While it may not be possible for you to marry her, it is expedient you take full responsibilities for mother and child because you asked for this complication.

In addition let every member of your family know the damage you have caused this girl. Let them know before the baby is born about its existence. At your age, it would amount to massive irresponsibility to keep the existence of your child a secret from the majority. Everybody who should know has a right to be told because it takes the effort of two persons to produce a child but the concern of an entire society to care for the child.

The cold fact is that your wife may not be willing to divorce you as you are hoping she would. Without being told, her change of attitude shows that she suspects more than you give her credit for and only bidding her time for her suspicions to be confirmed to tighten the noose around your neck. If you lacked the will to terminate the marriage all these years, even when she did the incredible of terminating a pregnancy you had hoped for four years into your marriage, what gives you the impression it would be easy for you now to throw her out of your life?

Yes, the prospect of having a baby at last may be a motivation for you to summon the courage to terminate the marriage, but it is usually not easy to end a marriage no matter how bad the union is.

Doubtless, the picture you painted is really bad but more terrible marriages have been known to bounce back from the abyss.

Whatever the consequences are, be bold enough to admit paternity of the child to your wife to enable you both trash out all the outstanding matter between the two of you. Be bold enough to use the opportunity provided by your mistake to tell her precisely how you feel about her attitude as well as the attitude of her parents to your marriage of 10 years.

Don't allow whatever it is you feel for the lady who is pregnant for you blind you to the voice of reason or prevent you from admitting your own faults too. It is important you table all grievances to enable you take a decision you both won't regret years down the road.

If indeed you are tired of the marriage, let your reasons be real, not influenced by the idea of another woman carrying your baby. This is because until the issue of the baby came into being you never gave any thought to the house-girl as a woman of her own. Remember you raped her to get to this point. You raped her out of anger against the treatment your wife was dishing out to you and out of acute loneliness. It could have been another woman for all you care. She just happened to be that woman so you also have to consider your real interest in her. Would you have ever considered her as a candidate for your bed if things were different?

You must feel something real deep for her to have made you endured her attitude for 10 years. This is the time to consider what that thing really is despite the massive emotional pains you are going through. If that thing is as solid as gold, it may help both of you give your marriage another try, if she is willing to change as well as acknowledge her mistakes.

Issues like this do have a way of humbling people.

Whatever the decisions you have to take; please give God pride of place because He sees and knows everything about us. Let His words be your light and give you the required wisdom to do what is right for everybody at the end of the day.

Good luck.

My Wife Starves Me Of Sex…

Dear Agatha,

I got married five years ago and we have gotten two children. We got married with love and godliness as our foundation. We made love for the first time after five years of relationship on our wedding night. We both believed in sex after marriage.

However, the problem now has to do with her attitude to sex generally. She always has thousand excuses not to have sex like headaches, no strength, and what have you, to avoid having sex with me.

And when she agrees to it, she only approves of the missionary position, refusing to try any other thing.

I am 39 while she is 30. Due to her inability to satisfy me in bed, I have taken to masturbating simply because I vowed not to have any extra marital affair.

But for how long can I do this when I have a woman in my house? What are the dangers to my marriage? Why is she refusing to cooperate with me?

Worried Husband.

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Dear Worried Husband,

There is no arguing the place of sex in marriage. It is as important as the reason that brought the marriage into being.

However, in all these you must appreciate the salient reality that being married doesn’t deprive one of his or her upbringing. Your wife probably grew up in a home where sex is forbidden, done only for procreation purpose, under the secret of darkness. If her religious upbringing made sex a necessity and not a procreation couples get into to further cement their union, it would require the patience and perseverance of Job, to get her to think along the lines you are now thinking.

It would also require a considerable amount of friendship on your path to help her get over the phobia or her sexual illiteracy.

Her attitude also calls to question your own teaching skills. If you are her first lover, it shows you have done a very poor job of it. Being first time lovers, you should have been able to drag her along with each new knowledge and skill acquired by you. Her metamorphosis should have taken place the time yours took place. It is either at that time you didn’t think it was necessary in the beginning to introduce her to the changes you were experiencing or were afraid she would be contaminated by such changes.

Whatever mistakes you made, her training is largely responsible for what is happening. Growing up with the notion that a responsible woman isn’t meant to enjoy sex but to give herself to the pleasure of her husband isn’t an orientation you can change by being angry or in a hurried manner.

Though you seem to have the same upbringing, you have been able to outgrow yours while she is still unable to make the clear distinction between what worked for her parents and what will work for her.

Doubtless, your marriage is in a very precarious situation one, which if not handled with sincerity and wisdom, is volatile enough to capsize your marriage. It is a reality you must make her face and accept as urgently as possible.

If she becomes obstinate about it, you have to expose her to the shocking reality of the extent her stubborn refusal to help you achieve sexual happiness in your marriage has pushed you. Again she has to understand that after a while, the habit may not be enough incentive to keep you from straying into the hands of another woman.

But before you go to this extreme, you must first find out why she is so disinterested in sex. It is a process of debriefing her of whatever she was told as a child. She has to know that there is more to sex than procreation and that a married couple needs the power of quality sex to remain happy and prime in their union.

Explaining to her that sex is the lubricant that keeps the engine of marriage working at full capacity and without hitches would help her begin the process of shifting her rigid stance on the matter.

Also a lot would depend on your attitude. For someone who is obviously scared of sex or who doesn’t understand the value of sex in marriage, bullying her into accepting your views on it would only serve to drive her further into her shell.

What she needs is a gentle introduction to it. Break her into it with care and love. A lot of the time approach makes a whole load difference. You cannot use force to enforce your idea. In a way, take the blame while still pleading with her to help make the marriage more emotionally comfortable for both of you.

Let her have all the headaches in the world or lack all the energy to make love. Don’t complain rather, engage her interest by becoming extra caring and complimentary of her looks. No matter how stubborn or uncaring a woman is that can resist compliments. Remember she isn’t a girlfriend but your wife, one whose conduct and attitude must give you a level of satisfaction to be happy. Therefore you must take more than a passing interest in her to be happy yourself.

Listening to her reservations about sex generally will give you an idea of where to start just as studying her to know her vane side. We all come with certain vanities in our lives, which from time to time need massaging.

Do you know? You require a comprehensive knowledge of your woman to be able to deal with this challenge effectively. You have to know what she wants, what works with her and what will never work to know how to calm her down sufficiently to make her eat out of your pleasure pie.

It also depends on how much she wants the marriage and values her image. If she is not too bothered about her attitudes damaging her marriage, as long as it enables her protect her stance on the issue of sex, it means going outside your marriage for help. Going to your in-laws or pastor for help on a re-educating her on her responsibilities to her man may be an alternative you have to pursue in the case that every effort on your path fails to make sense to her.

What efforts have you also put into making her change beyond your own needs? For anyone to change he or she must have an appealing alternative to the thing or situation he or she is moving away from.

Wisdom demands you don’t prepare her for whatever position you want her to adopt but to gently introduce her during the session. Introduce innovative romance sessions as well as enough time for her to savour the taste and pleasure of it.

It is when everything else fails to make an impression on her that you should let her know how far she has pushed you and the likely consequences of the situation. Then it would not just be a matter of you threatening her but letting her appreciate the cold facts about what the situation is capable of pushing you into doing should she continue to deny you of quality sex.

Above all, entrust the problem to the capable hands of God.

Good luck.

Nasty Dressing Sense May Mar Her Future…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the good job you are doing. I am 13 years of age in a JSS 2. My ambition is to become a lawyer despite the fact that I stammer.

I have a friend who joined my school in our first term. From the very moment I saw her, I made up my mind to have her as my friend.

However, I was disappointed when at our Christmas party, she came in backless dress, which to me was not decent. I told her what I thought of her dress when we resumed in January and she took offence and told me to mind my business.

She stopped talking to me from that point.

During the school excursion at Easter, I was told she wore a backless top on low waist trousers by another friend who went since I was unable to go.

I felt sad at the news because deep down, I am convinced she doesn’t know what she is doing to herself. She is 11 years of age.

I am concerned because I love her as a friend. Please help me before I make a mistake.

Oyinsola.

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Dear Oyinsola,

You can conquer stammering by learning to speak slowly, with calmness and without fear. Most of the time too much anger aggravates the situation, so learn to control your anger always. When you learn to speak with control and confidence, it will, overtime, become unnoticeable or brought under manageable control.

As for your friend, there is nothing you can do about it. If you look at the issue critically, it isn’t her fault because at her age, she doesn’t do her shopping or have a say in what her parents buy for her. Her guardian or mother does the shopping for her and makes the choices you see on her body.

So she wears the clothes her mother picks out for her just like you reflect the training of your parents. She is exhibiting the fashion choice of her mother because she doesn’t have control over her affairs for now. What you should do is to pray for her and her mother to be guided by the spirit of God.

As her friend, always stand in the gap for her each time you pray. You don’t have to tell her what you are doing on her behalf. The joy of the Lord is yours so share it with those you know.

Telling her will only alienate her from you because human nature often abhors criticism. She would naturally feel you are trying to enforce your views on her and would not take kindly to it. Jesus showed us a perfect example of how to win people to our way of thinking, not by insisting they are wrong but by showing love. Keep showing this girl love despite her pettiness. Overtime, with your prayers, she would come to appreciate what you are telling her.

Good luck.

Another Woman Expects His Baby… Yet Begs Me

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I am in a fix over the decision of my fiancé to sleep with another woman who is now pregnant for him.
The woman is insisting on having the baby.

He is now begging for my forgiveness. I don’t know how to respond to this request because I am both hurt and disappointed at his unfaithfulness to me. Please, help me. What do I do?

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

From time to time issues like this come up in relationships. Usually, the answer isn’t always clear-cut due to the complex nature of human beings and that of navigating a relationship.

When issues like this come up, the injured party has to look beyond the immediate to both the past and the future to avoid making a fatal mistake.

Doubtless, his conduct hurts as well as betrays your trust and confidence in accepting him into your life. The baby will always be a reminder to that fact but that baby wouldn’t have been if God hadn’t planned it that way. Life daily teaches that certain things, which happen in life, are meant to make us happy in the end if we have the insight to turn such situations to our advantage.

Look into your heart. How much do you love this boy? How much would you miss him when you no longer have him in your life? How much happiness has he brought into your life and what is the quality of your friendship with him? Years down in your life would you regret not giving him enough opportunity to make amends for this lapse?

A time comes in one’s life when issues take on a different perspective; when you regret not doing certain things differently. The age of wisdom is the time we weep at the hastiness of a decision in the time past when life has thoroughly drilled us to think differently. Experiences have shown that a lot of us would have loved to be given the chance to re-live certain aspects of our life all over again, to do certain things differently. I do and I am sure a lot of people who have crossed to the other side of matured wisdom look back with pains and regrets to certain decisions in the past.

This is because age is a transformation that daily takes place inside us.

Would it matter so much later in the future that this man betrayed you? If he is begging you, something inside of him must have nudged him into realising his mistake. Some men would not tell the important woman in their lives until later in life. That he told you shows some measure of respect and appreciation of you. These are issues you must at all times put on the front burner because when the scales are down these are what would count at the end of the day.

Ask him what he intends to do with the lady and child? Ask him how he plans to manage the other woman’s feelings and attitude after she gives birth. It won’t be the first time a woman is standing by her boyfriend to clear the mess of his lust for another woman.

Your answer would come from his attitude and that of his family after the child is born. You can always tell from the reactions of a man to his child where his heart is. If the man is involved with the child to the exclusion of your relationship, it would be useless to stay on because the mother of the child would sooner or later use the opportunity provided by the father’s affection for the child to warm her way back to his bed. In this instance, you become an unwanted party, the one trying to come between something that is beautiful and meant to be.

Your staying would only hurt you more in the end in such an unbalanced setting. The moment you notice this tilt, allow him go even if he pleads for time to adjust because the truth of such a situation is that he would never be able to free himself from the power of his heart. Deep down, he may not really love the other woman as he loves you; his heart however leaves him with no choice in the decision he has to make.

But, if his love for his child involves you, gives you the chance to be involved in the baby’s life as well as give you the confidence of his pledges never to betray you again, go ahead with him.

This choice comes with some responsibility to the child. One of such responsibilities is to learn from this nascent stage to love the child unconditionally to the extent, the child sees you as a concomitant part of his or her life. It makes it easy to effect discipline without fear, love and friendship without restriction. You must learn to be mother to the child right from the very day he or she is born. It is an unconditional sacrifice you have to school yourself to make for your man to give the confidence to trust you with his child. He has to have a measure of trust in you to entrust you with the life of his child. He may have betrayed your trust by having that child outside your relationship with him but the law of child guardianship requires everyone to place the interest of the child above every other consideration.

However, until the baby arrives, you may really not know if he is telling the truth about wanting you for keeps or not. Only the arrival of that child would give you clear evidence of his sincerity towards you. This is because babies affect us all in a peculiar way. They come in irresistible packages that go deep into the essence of our whole being.

Your answer would become evident if he is able to call the bluff and resist the pressures mounted on him to change his mind about you when the baby comes.

Tell him to give you time, enough time for the baby to be born and for you to observe his attitude thereafter.

In the interim, don’t foreclose any chance of both of you coming together again. Just keep praying to God for the right wisdom to do what is essential when the time comes. If this man and you are meant to be an item, God will give you the courage to overcome it effortlessly but if the two of you aren’t mean made to be, no matter how hard you try it won’t work.

Good luck.

Pleads Secrecy On His Marital Status Before My Parents

Dear Agatha,

I am 20, having a man who is interested in marrying me but he is 20 years older than I am and has three kids although divorced.

Even though he takes very good care of me, he doesn’t want me to tell my parents about his marital status. I don’t understand why he wants my parents kept in the dark. Also, I don’t understand his native tongue.
Please tell me what to do.

Jennifer.

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Dear Jennifer,

At 20, aren’t you putting the cart before the horse? Shouldn’t you be devoting more of your time to your education, planning your future and laying the right foundation for it?

Do you think getting married to a man twice your age with three children is your wise priority now? At your age, your education should be your main concern.

Besides, what experiences do you have to deal with this type of complex relationship? What is the attraction? Is it money or love? Be honest, would you consider him if he weren’t lavishing his care and money on you? This is one question you must sit back and search your mind for true answers.

Since this isn’t going to be the normal boy and girl relationship, you must also factor in how you are going to cope and manage the interests of his children and estranged wife because whether you like it or not, the mother of his children has indirect say on this matter through the children.

If their separation was bitter and unfair, the mother of his three children would not take matters lying low with you. Chances are she would think you are the cause of whatever problems she had with her man, even if she was the progenitor of the crisis in her home.

The fact that you are a lot younger would make her bitterness more intense against you. Why would you want to be involved in a situation that you know nothing about?
Have you thought of the pressures his children would bring to bear on your relationship and life? Can you cope with sharing your man, heart and life with the crowd that comes with loving this man?

Have you really given this angle a thought?

While nobody has the right to choose who you fall in love with or not, certain situations call for proper analysis before taking a final decision.

Marrying an older man comes with its advantages but in certain cases, the disadvantages are more. Being a lot younger, you have to think ahead. One of such challenges is you growing into the man and his habits rather both of your growing into each other. Having lived with a woman before, his ways are set and firm. You don’t have the experience to change them but to grow into accepting them to prevent a dislocation in your marriage. This is particularly so because of the disapprovals you may have faced with your decision to marry him at all cost.

Without disputes every marriage has its challenges but when a marriage shows defects from the beginning, a lot of caution must be exercised from the very onset to effectively manage the situation. This is the worry in your relationship. Your age hasn’t prepared you for the guts and strengths to properly propel this relationship to where you will have some space to breathe fresh air and initiatives into his life and your home.

Without this programme of your own, you will never have the chance to run your own shows but the ideas of his first wife and his children. If you must go with this man at the end of the day, you just have to find a way of injecting your control in your own marriage else you will only be a passenger in the whole setup. And if this happens, you will sooner or later get chocked by the daily challenges you have to cope with in your home.

But one of the things you must do as soon as possible is to find out why he insists you don’t tell your parents about his marital status. If he is sincere, he should place such a burden on you. As a matter of fact, it should be one of the first things you must tell your parents who in this instance have the experience to deal with him.

What is he trying to hide? Could it be that he is trying to hide something from you, which your parents would find out if they were aware of his marital status?

Have you tried to find out why his first marriage collapsed; the version of his wife? What sort of man is he? Is he responsible; has respect for people in his life?

Do you see him as one who has the right temperament and attitude to manage a woman without showcasing violence and temper? His story about the other woman may today evoke pity and anger in you but in her shoes, would you put up a better behaviour?

These are the challenges I spoke about and which you must not allow the care and financial support he is currently lavishing on you blind you to.

If your choice is to stay with him, insist he presents himself and history to your parents. He must be able to defend his past with dignity. At 40, it is too late in the day to play the prank of hiding a past that would sooner be discovered. So why not tell your parents the truth from the beginning?

In also marrying him, ensure you and his children have a reasonable relationship to prevent needless fight for the heart of your husband and their father. Remember from the beginning that this man is their father hence you must allow them close to him as well as give him the freedom to play his fatherly role to those children. To stand in their way would be creating problems for yourself and children later in life.

Once you agree to go into that house, your heart must be large enough to accommodate everybody that has a stake in his life.

There is also the issue of the attitude of your friends to him. Deep down, how would you feel with him in the company of your friends? The challenge of a young lady marrying a man advanced in age is her ability to withstand the jeers and rejection of her friends or people who see them together. You must at all times take pride in your choice of a husband. To do otherwise would spell doom for the relationship. This is one instance when love should be very wide eyed. Importantly, learn to pray and adhere to what God has to say on the matter to avoid regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Marriage Was Our Plan, But She Jilted Me

Dear Agatha,

In the last four years I have been in a relationship with the woman I love dearly. Right from the beginning we promised to marry each other. Premised on this, I introduced her to my family and she told hers about me.

From time to time, I get to speak with her mother whom I am yet to meet. Through the years, we have conducted ourselves like a married couple. The last time I spoke with her mother was in February this year when she asked me when I would come for a formal introduction. The arrangement was for me to come during the Easter period. However something strange happened before the Easter date. Sometimes in March, we made arrangements to see on a particular date but got the shock of my life when after trying unsuccessfully to get her a man eventually picked up her phone who introduced himself as her boyfriend.

I was both troubled but endured my emotions till we met in her school some few days later. Even if I had wanted to speak with her, her phone was switched off making it impossible for me to get through to her. When I challenged her about the person who picked up her phone, she didn’t say anything instead she told me to buy her a new handset, which I obliged her.

And while holidaying at home during the Easter period, I sent a recharge card worth N2,000.00 to her phone.

To make sure I got it, I called to get her confirmation only for the same voice to pick the call again to repeat his warning that I should stop calling his wife.

I felt embarrassed at the sound of his voice because it meant my suspicions about the boy were true and that I had been rejected by my girlfriend.

I made up my mind to see her in school and sort out the issue after the holiday only to be told she had travelled to her sister’s place. I later got her on the phone and as we were chatting, I noticed that at a point, her voice changed before she switched off the phone. Curious, I redialled the number and this time it was the same male voice that answered. Since it was around 9:30 pm, I didn’t need anybody to tell me she was at the man’s place.

The voice told me to let her be since we were just friends and I have not asked her to marry me. Thereafter he gave the phone to my girlfriend who confirmed the position of the boy that I never asked her to marry me.

She has since changed her phone number. Everything still looks like a dream to me. I am yet to get over the fact that a woman who pledged unconditional love and promised to be my protector, counsellor, family and everything can behave in this manner.

I can’t imagine it is the same girl, I put through school, took care of, gave all the assistance I could, is this same girl who has turned her back on me.

Agatha, tell me what to do. I have pains in my heart.

Ejiuwaka.

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Dear Ejiuwaka,

It is one of those things. Sometimes what looks so perfectly beautiful becomes ugly and painful. When a relationship gets to this point, it is always good to bury it for good, else, the one hurting will never be able to get his or her life back on the right track.

You took a gamble on love and trust which is why you weaved all your beautiful patterns on it.

Unfortunately, life didn’t make both of you for each other. Painful as this is, it is a reality you must confront and accept. Had heavens created both of you to be a permanent item, nobody would have been able to come between the two of you.

In every dark cloud there is always a sliver lining. What if she had suddenly realised after marriage to you that she didn’t want you in the same way you wanted her? How would you have managed living with a woman who didn’t love you enough? How would you have faced the world if few years down the road, she asks for divorce to be with the man she really cares about?

Take it from one who has experienced emotional torture that some of the situations we lament over are actual blessings in disguise, intended by God to empower us for the tasks ahead. Therefore you don’t have the patent for this journey and if others before you rebounded to greater things and happiness in their lives, you too can with the right attitude.

Her role in your life is to help you understand certain intricacies about human behaviour and to serve as an experience to help those whoin future have similar challenges get over the ache.

The difference between those who fail and succeed after a fall or disappointment is the determination they put into it. If you are determined to be happy and love again in spite of this disappointment, you will be and I assure with someone much better, whose qualities will forever give you reasons to look back on this moment in your life with gratitude that God prevented what would have been a huge mistake in your life.

You cannot question God but have it within you to make yourself happy. Don’t bother to call or contact her again. Let her go, wish her all the luck in the world with her Mr. Right. Free yourself from the burden of hate, regrets as well as lack of forgiveness. These are emotions that would keep amplifying the pains of yesterday. Give yourself to your hobbies to help you forget. Cry if you have to, it is all part of the healing process but don’t ever regret your time with her.

Life is peppered by both pains and happiness. There is no way you can avoid the bitter side of life if you hope for its best side. It is the lesson the bitter leaf teaches. The sweet part of the bitter leaf is only available to the one who has the determination, patience and time to wash away the bitterness.

Give yourself time to heal naturally. You will meet that special woman some day. She had to quit the scene for the real woman who will be more than you hoped your ex-girlfriend would be to you.

Next time be sure the lady wants you for the same reason you want her by learning to take each day as it comes.

Your mistake with this lady is to jump-start your relationship into the future without first living in the presence. You have to be friends first before you can be a good couple who desires to be
together forever. You must take the extra time to study each other, discover your weak spots as well as your strongest points. That way, you learn to know what to avoid and what to pursue.

Had you devoted time to the essentials, you would have discovered the little tell-tale signs no matter how she perfects the act of duplicity. When you know someone well enough you can always guess with near accuracy when something isn’t right.

The lesson is to avoid the blinding complications of sex until the time is ripe to avoid the mistake of sentimental reasoning and decision. When it comes to the issue of selecting a life partner, it
takes more than sentimental feelings. The decision has to be influenced by realistic fact to be meaningful.

But the overriding truth: allow the will of God for you.

Good luck.

My Husband Has Turned Me Into Outcast

Dear Agatha,

I am 32 years old and married with three children, while expecting the fourth.

I am grossly unhappy with the man I married seven years ago, when I was 24.

My problem is that this man doesn’t appreciate me; does not buy things for me. Instead, he spends his money on girlfriends. I on my own take care of all my needs, both financially and materially.

The most annoying is the attitude he puts up when I desire him.

Sometimes I wonder where the undying love he promised me is. Can you imagine my husband giving me a timetable of when he wants to be with me and when he doesn’t? Agatha, is it fair?

I stumble on condoms randomly in his clothing’s, and when I ask him whom the condoms are for since we don’t use them together, he usually responds that they were given to him at the numerous seminars he attends.

Most times I cry these days, and I don’t know what to do.

Please Agatha, should I divorce him or continue to endure this loveless marriage with him? Tell me what to do.

Worried Wife.

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Dear Worried Wife,

Divorce is never an option when problems come raining in a marriage. Life itself is laced with problems, which have to be tackled if we are to move to the next stage. At no time did God promise us a problem-free life, rather, He only assured of His mercy and presence through our trials.

Once a person has the right attitude towards an issue and commits it into the hands of God, everything would work wonderfully well.

You are not alone in the challenges you are facing. Every married couple has a tale to tell about their marriages. You will be shocked at what most couples are coping with, because they would make yours appear as a child’s play.

At least, you haven’t complained about him beating you or violating your person.

Every situation has a worse version, so begin by learning to be grateful that your situation isn’t something you cannot manage.

Painful as what I am about to say is, the truth is, most women are coping with the presence of other women in their marriages. So your husband isn’t doing something most men aren’t doing.

And like you, most women are also responsible for their own keeps, not because it is an ideal thing, but to ensure a certain level of peace and happiness in their lives.

The reality of contemporary marriages is that the woman has to be up and doing to make it work.

Most men simply aren’t ready to carry all the responsibilities of the marriage institution alone.

Even when they want to, economic realities make it impossible for them to do.

If he is paying the house rent, taking care of the children, providing the food, be thankful that the burden on you is only your needs.

In a lot of marriages, the women are practically playing the roles of breadwinners, even where their husbands are gainfully employed.

The dynamism of today’s marriages differ greatly from the time of our mothers, hence, you must learn to flow with the current trend, else you risk pushing your husband further away from you; into the waiting arms of those numerous ladies who are daily praying for a mistake on your part for them to come in and do those things you are complaining about joyfully.

While not eulogising as the ideal, the current marital trends, naked reality demands that the woman at home deploy wisdom in her attitude, comportment and reactions to what is happening in her marriage.

You are about to give birth to your fourth child. He must be doing something right for you to have agreed to have four children in seven years of marriage.

I am sure if he weren’t taking care of the children, paying all the other necessary bills, you wouldn’t be expecting that child.

The trick of reviving an ailing marriage is to move away from the negatives to the positives.

Learn to give him credit for the little he is doing before tabling bigger things before him.

If he has given you a timetable of when to be with him, rather than bemoan the development, make an occasion of it, by ensuring he never forgets the memories of your moments together.

Difficult as it maybe, you owe it to yourself, the children and your marriage to stop worrying about the other women.

What should be your utmost concern now is how to release him from the claws of the other women. And better means do you have than your home advantage, and intimate knowledge of him to get him asking for more.

He loves you enough not to have told you to quit his home.

That is one thing you must never forget in a hurry. You have a history together; one none of these girls has with him, so, get cracking by opening pages from your wonderful past to kick start your determination to get him back.

Give him the greatest sex he will ever have, remember you have the license. Read up books and don’t be shy in experimenting with what you read. The idea is to get him screaming for more. If you are the lay back type, allowing him to do all the thinking for fear of being labelled wayward, its time to get out of all that and give him everything in you.

Time enough to worry about what he thinks; the job at hand is to get him to forget. In war, every weapon is legitimate.

Can you remember the type of dresses he particularly liked you in? Or how he wanted you to appear way back then? Rekindle his memories of yesteryears by doing precisely that. Help him remember why he wanted you for keeps among the women in his life then.

Helping him to remember is helping you have peace in your marriage. Nagging him or greeting him with gloomy face will not change a thing, but a positive attitude from you can.

Also, learn to improve on your cooking; there is always plenty of room for improvement in whatever we do. That you have cooked his meals for seven years and he has eaten them without complaining doesn’t mean he is satisfied. He may not be able to tell you precisely, but would appreciate it, if you take the effort to improve on your cooking. Find out discreetly what restaurants he visits with these girls, go there to find out what their specialty is and make the effort to cook it for him on the days he would be home with you and the children.

For privacy, you could turn your bedroom into your love-nest. Redecorate if for the purpose of seducing him back into your arms.

If you can afford it, book yourselves into a hotel for a romantic weekend from the children and the familiarity of your home.

Use your money, body, time and imagination to woo him back. He has to come back first before you can complain about the pains he has caused you. In his present mood, he won’t listen.

You have plenty of time to remind him of his vows to you as well as responsibility to his children. But for now, you have to bury your pains and get him interested in you all over again. Being pregnant is not an excuse not to be romantic. It is just a matter of using your imagination as well as determination.

Many marriages are today running on determination.

Once you, as the woman, are determined to stay on irrespective of what the man does, the problem is half solved. You will stop worrying about his attitude and learn to focus on the reasons both of you have decided to stay together. It will also stop you worrying and crying over the situation in your home.

Simply because life hasn’t been fair to a person doesn’t make it right for that person to commit suicide, which is what you would be doing if you give up on your marriage and husband.

In addition, get on your knees. There is nothing prayers cannot change. Rather than cry to yourself, why not direct your cries to the One person who has the heart of your husband right in His palms? There is no man or situation God hasn’t absolute authority over. Cry to Him for strength, courage, wisdom, patience, tolerance and selfless love to make your marriage work.

If you leave, your four children will be the greatest casualties of your decision. Even if you have the financial resources, you don’t have the emotional ability to handle four children alone. They will always demand for their father’s presence. So, its best you make it work rather than go it all alone.

Doubtless, you are hurting, but be wise as a serpent and deploy the meekness of the lamb to smile again in this marriage.

Good luck.

She Duped Me Of All I Had, Bolted Without Trace

Dear Agatha,

I am in my late 20s. At best I can describe my life as a live in hell since I lost my parents.

As a result of my simple nature, a lot of people around me including members of my family are beginning to mistake my simplicity for stupidity.

Agatha, can you believe that the one woman I trusted the most, the one I planned to spend the rest of my life with, who knows everything no other person knows about me, defrauded me of the only possession left for me by my brother out of our father’s property, the only thing that gives me income to continue my education and keep body and soul together?

I am so ashamed to mention it here because no member of my family is aware of what I have done.

The tragedy of my situation is that I come from a family where every person is on his or her own. My undoing was to have trusted her with the secret and document of the business I inherited from my father due to my love for her.

While we were dating, she took me to meet a woman in a remote village in Ondo State whom she introduced as her mother. When I went back to look for my girlfriend and the woman, I was told they didn’t know anybody by the name or description there. She seems to have completely vanished into thin air.

I couldn’t believe what was happening. It appeared like a scene from a fictional tale. In retrospect I think she must have used a spell on me because I told her things I have never told anyone, shown her secrets about me no one else knew. I was really in love with her. As a result of her betrayal, I have stopped my part-time programme for lack of finance. I have taken to menial jobs to survive the hard times I plunged myself because of my sheer carelessness.

Three weeks after she left, she wrote a letter explaining why she did what she has done. She said since it was the culture of the Ibos never to marry outside their people, she would send me the money she took when she makes it.

Being a Christian and one who fears God, I can’t curse her or go to a native doctor to avenge what she did.

Agatha, is it a crime to desire inter-tribal marriage? Why did she do that to me? The worst is that my friends warned me of her sincerity but I thought they were merely jealous.

I’m writing you for help because of a childhood friend who promised to help me in January this year. As a matter fact, he introduced me to this column. He says he reads it everyday online.

I can’t reach him anymore through his cell phone and since I don’t have a phone then he too can’t even reach me.

Please, Agatha I need your help to contact him. I want to know if he still interested in helping or to forget all about it. I am so frustrated and can’t continue like this anymore.

I want him to please contact me through this e-mail address: robbertuzoorji@yahoo.com

I don’t know how to beg him anymore. I wish I wasn’t so stupid to trust when I knew next to nothing about her. My mistake was falling in love with someone I felt something very special for. I thought her claim of love was genuine. Not once did I think she was after my money.

From my experience, I just want to warn everyman out there to be careful because not all that glitters is gold. Most ladies are simply out for the money they can get from men. Obsessed in their greediness, they forget nothing lasts forever, and that punishment waits at the end.

Robert.

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Dear Robert,

I really sympathise with you and hope your friend gets to read this.

It is unfortunate you lost everything to love and trust. If this is any encouragement, a lot of men before you have suffered the same fate but are today better and happier in other relationships.

The good, the bad, and the ugly people the world. Life always has a flipside. Only those who are fortunate experience the ugly side of life in the beginning, when they have all the time in the world to learn and make necessary adjustments for a happier ending.

Your story may present itself now as a nightmare to you but what this woman has done in the long run is simply to give you the strength to be stronger and be more focused in life. Without her bitter pill, you may never have what it takes to go the extra mile, think deeper and access your ultimate strength as a human being. In life, the best can only be purchased when we go deeper into our inner reserve to drag out the genius lurking inside of us. Behind many of the great stories and successes we all admire are countless number of failures, disappointments, despairs, pains, mockeries and abject poverty. It takes a determined mind to make the difference in life.

What she has done is simply to help you look beyond your inheritance to your own abilities as a human being. It is only expected that you go through period of discomfort to get to your promised land. An expectant mother knows that to get to her new baby, she has to experience and endure the excruciating pains of labour.

Don’t allow your experience with her limit you or make you resentful of everywoman who comes your way because just as one woman is capable of destroying a man, another has been placed to uplift him beyond measure. If you refuse to let go, refuse to forgive what you now think is your mistake, it might be difficult for you to love again or give another woman the chance to heal you the way you deserve to be healed.

What you should do is to learn to take each day at a time. Love can be intoxicating but can be managed just as effectively. Learn to trust with just a little bit, your smile before you can trust with friendship. When a woman is able to make you smile effortlessly, continue to make you smile when you are moody, has the tolerance to understand your moods and willing to stay when you are not saying anything to her, still has the caring smile on her face when you are unbearable, then you can trust her with your friendship.

True love is without creed, colour, gender and tribe. It is pure. There is no harm in loving someone outside your state. She is only using the excuse of tribe to mask her true nature. What she did is inborn in her and has nothing to do with where she comes from or where you are from. Again don’t allow yourself to be sucked into her nasty nature by refusing the love of any woman who may not be your tribe. To do that would be handing over to her and your past, the power to perpetually hurt you.

God works in ways we don’t see. He knows you can survive without that money, hence allowed her to take the money to enable you enter into His covenant for you. Being a Christian should make this time easy for you; make you appreciate that it takes nothing for God to make something out of it.

God wants to take the glory for your life so surrender to Him and allow His will come through in your life.

What you should do is to seek the face of God. If He hasn’t destined this friend to help you, there is nothing you or he can do. But when you first seek His face before sourcing for help, things would be a lot easier for you as He would have paved the way for your success and breakthrough.

As for the lady, your approach is commendable. It is always best to leave the fight for God. When He fights, there is usually no appeal. Don’t get discouraged by all that have happened to you or question the Will of God for you. Everything He does is always perfect.

Good luck.

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

I am 26, a virgin, and lives in Lagos. I want a girlfriend who would end up as my wife. The lady who should be between 18 and 26 must be God fearing, educated, trustful and religious.

Any interested lady should sms only to 07055118379 or 07040671234

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Dear Agatha,

I am 41, single, tall, energetic, from Edo State based in Lagos. I am a businessman who desires a matured, financially independent lady who is ready to settle down as soon as possible. Tribe and age is not an issue as long as she is loving, respectful, serious minded, kind and caring. I promise to spoil the woman of my dream with love.

Interested woman should call or text me on this number, 07059289199. Please, no beeping.

He Blames Alcohol For Seducing Our Neighbour’s Daughter

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for using you to proffer solutions to relationships and marital problems. The good Lord will continue to strengthen you.

My relationship is seven months old. Until I began to receive different calls and read several text messages from his different female friends. I was very much in love with him and also trusted him too.

Recently, I was invited to a programme but was unable to go back home because the programme ended very late. I had no choice but to call him to inform him of the development. He agreed but called later to request I should inform my neighbour’s daughter of his desire to sleep in my house. Since she wasn’t a stranger to my house I agreed but something about the arrangement didn’t sit well on me.

But I had no choice since the day was very late. The next morning, I rushed to the house only to see him arranging the house. I was surprised at this development because it wasn’t his nature to housekeep. When I made a comment about this he replied by informing me that my neighbour’s daughter took his money. According to him, she took his money on the allegations that he touched her. He denied knowledge of the incident on the grounds that he was drunk.

He told me the girl said the money was to buy her silence and keep the incident from me.

Baffled and desirous of getting to the root of the story, I instantly called the girl in his presence to hear her side of the story. To my shock, the girl right in his presence told me exactly what happened. According to her, my boyfriend gave her money to sleep with him only for him to turn round to ask for the money when she refused to give in to his request.

Right in his presence the girl told me he said he was tired of me, and looking for a way out of the relationship.

Fortunately, he did not succeed in sleeping with her and her mother is ignorant of what happened.

Since then he has been begging me for forgiveness, attributing what happened to the influence of alcohol. He also denied being tired of the relationship and me.

Please, Agatha advice me on how to go about this. Do I continue with the relationship or quit? You are the only one I can share this with.

Worried Lady.

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Dear Worried Lady,

You shouldn’t even debate something obvious like this at all. Quit this relationship. It isn’t healthy for you. Had he slept with the young girl and gotten her pregnant, what would have been his excuse, alcohol?

Had the girl told her mother, how would you have handled that, the attendant embarrassment and all the issues that go with such an act?

This man clearly isn’t responsible and lacks respect for you. You would be risking a lot of things by continuing with a man you cannot vouch for. It is obvious from the story that his actions were premeditated. He came with the sole purpose to lure the poor girl into his bed when the opportunity offered by your absence presented itself. All along, he had his eyes on the young girl but your presence prevented him for pursuing her.

Can you trust such a man with your sister, female relatives or friends? To continue with this type of man is to expose yourself to all sorts of emotional and social ridicules.

Leaving him is only a part of the solution. You also have to work on your values to avoid making more fatal emotional mistakes.

Seven months is too short a time to move into a house with a man or allow him the privilege to sleep over in your house.

You are lucky this incident didn’t go any further else you would have been mopping up a situation you know next to nothing about. In the seven months you have dated him, what do you know about him? What if he weren’t just a philanderer but a hardened criminal or into human ritual? What excuse would you be giving the Police? That you are innocent or don’t know the man you claim to be your boyfriend whom you sleep in his house or allow to sleep in your house is a criminal?

What if he had raped the girl? How would you have explained to your neighbour you didn’t know about his intentions considering you were the one who called the girl to allow him in?

If you are wise, you shouldn’t debate staying with him. Quitting should be a natural conclusion. The implication of what he wanted to do far outweigh whatever consideration of love you may have for him.

It is clear he doesn’t love or care for you in the same way you care for him. If he had any respect for you, he wouldn’t go to the length he went. For the girl to have told you right in his presence the things he said shows that he did say those things.

His conduct should serve as a vital lesson for you in your next relationship. That a woman allows a man free access into her body is no assurance the man would stay faithful to her. A relationship that will work doesn’t need the help of premarital sex. No woman can force a man into giving her what he isn’t ready to give, no matter how great a lover she is. It only presents a woman as being desperate.

A man who really cares for a woman, would never place sex as priority or insist on having it at all cost. Men only make it mandatory for women they have no plans for.

Your level of intimacy with this man you met seven months ago was too hasty. You didn’t give yourself enough time to study the man before you allowed him that much. You simply jumped into bed with him without investigating the stranger in him.

It takes more than a declaration of love to trust another with your body and space more so if you are a woman. The man has nothing to lose as evidenced by what he did and told the girl. A woman is supposed to protect her body, reputation and ideals as jealously as she protects her child. When a woman leaves her flanks unprotected, she becomes vulnerable to all sorts of male attractions.

Men are hunters by nature, which is why a woman must be very discreet and discriminatory on who comes close to her. Once a woman makes the mistake of picking the wrong sex partner or allows herself to be goaded by sentiments, she ends up opening herself up to derision unless she realises early enough and makes the effort to clean up her act.

Unless you are sure of a man, don’t encourage him to come to your place especially if you stay alone.

Love can happen at first sight but its needs the patience and wisdom of time to grow into something special and wonderful. Like raw gold, there is no hurrying the process of refining. To do that would be to come up with something inferior and substandard in nature. Only the goldsmith who is ready to endure the intensity of the heat and its attendant pains come up with the finest of gold. Any man who loves you must be ready to exercise patience and endure his emotional discomfort to have you for keeps.
When next you go into a relationship, give it time to grow naturally. From the beginning, state the ground rules. Don’t be afraid to let go because you can only keep what you have, not what you don’t have. No matter how advanced technology and permissive our ways of life have become, some things don’t change. When it comes to the moral values of a woman, men are still very traditional about it.

Therefore learn to exercise constraints for the sake of your self-respect.

Good luck.

Your Take On Office Dating?

Dear Agatha,

I so much appreciate your column and the way you handle issues. I pray that the Lord will give you more wisdom and understanding to carry on.

Please, I need a little advice. Is it right to date a colleague in the same office?

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

There is no categorical answer to this. It depends on the couple involved. Provided they can manage their emotions, and are matured about what they are doing, understand the laws of the different environments they daily subject their relationship to, handle the gossip and the excitement of being in love, there is nothing wrong in it.

The problem comes when the couple is unable to keep sentiments out of office, cannot maintain a fine balance between official hours and private time or unable to harmonise the different official relationships they have with their personal feelings for each other.

A lot of the time, couples find themselves conflicting their private feelings with official responsibilities. They allow problems at home come into official matters making impartial decisions impossible. The victim of this impasse between a feuding couples that work for the same employer is the organisation, which is why many managements discourage it.

As long as you can manage your feelings sufficiently to conform with the different structures you place your relationship in, there is no law against a couple working in the same place.

Good luck.

Can’t We Kill His Love For Alcohol?

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a marvelous job. I don’t know if you can help us because it is not a love matter, but we don’t know where else to turn to.

We are helpless. Our son is an alcoholic addict. He went to best of schools and was in the university when he dropped out without our knowledge. When we found out we did our best to encourage him to change but all to no avail. He was at a rehab and was much better but I took ill and was not there to supervise him, and so he relapsed. We have prayed and fasted and we do not know what else to do. He refused to go back to rehab. Please can you help? We are Muslims by the way.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

Like I always say, parenting is about the most difficult job in the world. Although it appears to be very simple to the uninitiated, often it requires the grace of God to come out of it smelling roses.

This is because children are constantly under the influences of so many people and happenings around them. For the most part of it, making a success of it isn’t entirely dependent on the training the child gets at home but the exposure the child gets outside the home. The adulterations come from outside influences, like friends, the media, and social values as propagated by global trends.

Your child may have had the best training at home, and gone to the best schools, but what sort of friends did he make and keep company? What sorts of homes do these friends come from? What sorts of trainings did they get from their homes? What sorts of values did these children come with? That you laboured to send a child to the best schools doesn’t insure the child against negative influences.

Whether parents realise it or not, peer’s influence is one of the strongest, sometimes stronger than family ties or values. Only few children can withstand the pressure of peer’s influences. For this few reasons, it takes special kind of grace to make them withstand the taunt, condemnation, discrimination that come from not being part of the large crowd.

For most youths, they cannot withstand all these emotions hence give in to the influences of their friends. At this point, they jettison everything their parents taught them at home. A discerning parent can always tell when the child begins to take the first fatal steps by the lies, missing money, sudden urge to be alone, irritations when one sneaks into his or her private area unannounced, vague friends and the signal of wanting to do things his or her own way. But once the child escapes the stage of detection and masters the act of living in two different worlds, it becomes almost impossible to find out.

This is where the real challenge of parenting presents itself. Once the child is old enough to mingle with a large crowd of friends; when the rebellion of the teenage years mingles with the natural curiosity of the human mind, parenting can go either way.

One thing you should never do is to blame yourself unduly for refusing to act when the signs were all over. The danger of doing that would only make you more guilty and unable to help him. Take the blame for those mistakes you know you could have avoided and manage those you know you had no power over.

At this point, it is no use dwelling over the past. The past that brought him to this point no longer has the power to influence him or change him. The harm of the past has done the worst. You and his father can’t change that.

The only heritage the past has to offer him and you in his current state is the memorial of your own youthful years. What was it like? How did it go with your parents? On those occasions your parents were spitting fire as a result of your misbehaviour, how did you feel? How did you want them to handle you? What were the things your parents did which in retrospect you wished they had done differently? What words did you crave to hear the most from them, which never came your way?

Can you think of any point in your yesterday as a teenager or youth when you wanted to go contrary to all the training you had? When you wanted to revenge your parents’ seeming high-handedness? When you wanted to shame them for not allowing you have enough of the things you wanted? Or when you wanted to do something outrageous simply to get them to devote time to you?

In your own past, what mistakes did you make that given the benefit of time could have contributed to his current travails?

Can you think of any? Knowing and appreciating the many thoughts going on in his mind would make it easier for you.

He may have rejected everything but he cannot reject love and friendship. It is long past time the period of condemnation, regrets and accusation. From his reactions to your absence by his side, it is obvious he needs you around him and to get over his challenge.

What is the nature of your sickness? Would it allow you go to the rehab at least once a week or twice while you employ someone to care for him for the rest days of the week?

Is there an interim arrangement you can work out with him if he isn’t keen on another person taking your place by his side at the rehab?

Why has he relapsed at home? Is there any condition at home he isn’t comfortable with? Has he ever complained about anything at home? Learn to listen to those salient things he is telling you. They may not make sense to you but sensible to him and important enough to change a lot of things about his condition.

If your inability to be with him at the rehab is the reason he relapsed, shouldn’t being at home with you exclusively help him stay focused on his recovery?

What changed between the times you visited him, fell sick, and his coming home? Can you think of anything? What have you done since his coming home to recreate the type of environment at the rehab centre for him?

The people at the centre must have done something right to make him change, can you get them to teach you? What tactic did they deploy in getting through to him? Is there something special in the décor of the place he particularly liked that could be recreated in the home to help him relax?

Go to the rehab if he refused to discuss ways they can help you get him off the habit. Ask if they render special home services. Even if they don’t, find out if something can be worked out for your son, a sort of arrangement that would involve them either coming to your house to counsel him or having him come over as an outpatient? Combining their professionalism with your maternal love is essential for his recovery.
If they are unwilling, seek professional help somewhere else.

There is also the need for you to impress it on your husband that money alone doesn’t make things right. He also has to get over his disappointment as a parent and be the friend he needs now to go back on the right track. In all his haziness, he has to find true love and friendship in your eyes to make him snap out his situation. He has to see a different kind of concern, one different from everything he is used to make him want to change.

Don’t ever get discouraged on those days he wants a sip of alcohol. His recovery cannot be without such incidents from time to time. Old habits are often the hardest to beat. On the days he shows remarkable recovery, reward him with a compliment on how good he looks or proud of him. Work on his vanity at times to get him interested in life and happenings around him. We all have egos we want massaged from time to time.

Another area you should work on is his source of supply. Where does he get the money? Who gets him his supplies? Who are still his friends, his collaborators in this macabre dance? Ensure you find out everything you need to know about his movements, his friends and even the level of assistance he is getting from his siblings. Ensure you also clear away your valuables so he doesn’t have easy access to funds to continue his habits.

This is one task you cannot do alone or afford to do with hostility. Despite the pains inside of you, you must learn to play down your own feelings and adopt wisdom in all of these.

As his mother, don’t give up on him even if everyone does. Keep praying for him because God listens always. His condition may appear discouraging, but you owe it to him never to lose faith in him because to do that would be to condemn him forever. Always speak positive words into his life.

Once you learn not to be affected by the opinions of others and concentrate on ensuring you help him get over this challenge, giving him your love and support would be a lot easy.

Good luck.

Her Presence Threatens The Pastor’s Wife…

Dear Agatha,

I have a friend who is 19 years of age, and has only senior secondary school certificate.

Her parents sent her to stay with their village pastor who promised to render assistance to her. She had been living with him before he got married. For reasons best known to the pastor’s wife, she didn’t particularly like the arrangement leading to constant problems for my friend in the house. She is almost due and the situation between her and my friend has degenerated to the point that my friend has been sent packing to her father’s house.

A few days ago, the pastor called asking her to come back to the house.

The question is do I tell her to go back or stay put in her father’s house? She has knowledge of computer, which in my opinion can fetch her employment on which she can begin life with.

But this man being the village church pastor gives the entire issue a different dimension and makes it a little bit more complex. What do I say to my friend?

Worried Friend.

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Dear Worried Friend,

The best thing is for her to stay back at her parent’s to avoid being cited as the reason for another woman’s marital problems.

Being a single lady makes her a potential threat to the other woman who may never truly comprehend the true reason her husband is interested in having her around him. Irrespective of whether the man involved is a pastor or not doesn’t stop the wife suspecting the nature of their relationship.

This is particularly so because she wasn’t involved in the process that brought the lady to live with her husband, or is she close to the lady’s parents for that matter. Had the girl come from her, she would be able to endure her presence.

Even, if the woman is ready to accept this lady what about her family and friends? There is always the fear of the unknown, the temptation of the flesh. A single girl staying alone with a man has its implication and is bound to attract comments from people around. His being a pastor would not stop the imagination of people conjuring up scenes in their minds or stop gossips about them from spreading.

The picture of the two of them living together before the appearance of the wife, is one whose image will never fade for a long time. Whatever attitude the wife may have put up might not be unconnected with the stories she has heard. No woman, no matter how trusting of her husband would ever be comfortable with her man sharing his space and home with a single girl without a chaperon.

If she has displayed any hostility towards this girl, it is only because she is trying to protect her home from the unknown danger of another woman taking over. She may not be justified in her attitude but when a woman is out to secure what is hers, fairness is the least of her worries.

In her shoes too, your friend too might find herself behaving in like manner. Only a few women would gloss over the fact of a single woman who is unrelated to their men staying together all alone in the same house. Life has taught many women and men too to be careful. Being a pastor especially, such situation is one he should not have allowed because a village community is too small a place for suspicion and gossips about them not to flourish.

The inability of the man to protect her from whatever attitude the wife may have put up is to dispel whatever suspicions and misreading may have been generated by the presence of the other girl in his house. Should he insist on the wife being polite and accommodating of the girl beyond what he can defend, it would compromise his own happiness at home.

Sincerely, there is no way the wife would ever be completely happy having her around. Going back would only cause more complications for your friend later. Being a first time mother, the pastor’s wife would naturally require assistance with the baby. For your friend, there is no escaping offering help as often as she is required to while staying in their house.

To complain would make her appear like an ingrate, to stay on would make her very resentful of the situation her parents’ financial inability has placed her because each day always bring along with it fresh challenges.

Again, it is doubtful if the pastor would be able to fulfill his promises without the full support of his wife. There are limits to how far a man can help an outsider without the wife’s support. Given the relationship between your friend and the pastor’s wife, it would be almost impossible for the pastor to make good his promises. The pastor is after all still human and subject to what is happening in his relationship.

Beyond his spiritual responsibility to his sheep, he is not under any obligations to take on the responsibility for your friend’s education. Doubtless he may have made a promise but if the conditions for fulfilling the promise are causing him problems in his own private life, he has every right to back out of that promise. To hold him accountable to that promise at all cost would be stretching things too far. The man may not have been destined by God to help her at all. In life we come with our special helpers from God, sometimes people we don’t even know while those we know and think would be of help don’t help. Had he asked God before making the promise, this challenge he is facing from his wife wouldn’t have happened.

In order not to cause problems for herself, whether now or in the future and to protect the pastor, his family and reputation, she should consider other options available to her.

Her secondary school certificate is more than what most people started out with. If she is industrious and determined to make something out of her life, her knowledge of computer operations is an added advantage.

She doesn’t have to stay with the pastor and his wife before she can go for further study. Let her stay with her parents. If for nothing at least she would have the peace of mind to source for a job.

What happened to her may be God’s way of telling her that this arrangement would not favour her and that it would be in her interest to look elsewhere for help.

With whatever she makes from her job, she can save to further her education to the level she wants to.

Besides, life is about sourcing for self-opportunities and not relying on people to think for one.

As a friend, you should not stop encouraging her. She would always need your support to reach her zenith in life. Join her in praying for her God given helper.

Good luck.