Pleads Secrecy On His Marital Status Before My Parents

Dear Agatha,

I am 20, having a man who is interested in marrying me but he is 20 years older than I am and has three kids although divorced.

Even though he takes very good care of me, he doesn’t want me to tell my parents about his marital status. I don’t understand why he wants my parents kept in the dark. Also, I don’t understand his native tongue.
Please tell me what to do.

Jennifer.

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Dear Jennifer,

At 20, aren’t you putting the cart before the horse? Shouldn’t you be devoting more of your time to your education, planning your future and laying the right foundation for it?

Do you think getting married to a man twice your age with three children is your wise priority now? At your age, your education should be your main concern.

Besides, what experiences do you have to deal with this type of complex relationship? What is the attraction? Is it money or love? Be honest, would you consider him if he weren’t lavishing his care and money on you? This is one question you must sit back and search your mind for true answers.

Since this isn’t going to be the normal boy and girl relationship, you must also factor in how you are going to cope and manage the interests of his children and estranged wife because whether you like it or not, the mother of his children has indirect say on this matter through the children.

If their separation was bitter and unfair, the mother of his three children would not take matters lying low with you. Chances are she would think you are the cause of whatever problems she had with her man, even if she was the progenitor of the crisis in her home.

The fact that you are a lot younger would make her bitterness more intense against you. Why would you want to be involved in a situation that you know nothing about?
Have you thought of the pressures his children would bring to bear on your relationship and life? Can you cope with sharing your man, heart and life with the crowd that comes with loving this man?

Have you really given this angle a thought?

While nobody has the right to choose who you fall in love with or not, certain situations call for proper analysis before taking a final decision.

Marrying an older man comes with its advantages but in certain cases, the disadvantages are more. Being a lot younger, you have to think ahead. One of such challenges is you growing into the man and his habits rather both of your growing into each other. Having lived with a woman before, his ways are set and firm. You don’t have the experience to change them but to grow into accepting them to prevent a dislocation in your marriage. This is particularly so because of the disapprovals you may have faced with your decision to marry him at all cost.

Without disputes every marriage has its challenges but when a marriage shows defects from the beginning, a lot of caution must be exercised from the very onset to effectively manage the situation. This is the worry in your relationship. Your age hasn’t prepared you for the guts and strengths to properly propel this relationship to where you will have some space to breathe fresh air and initiatives into his life and your home.

Without this programme of your own, you will never have the chance to run your own shows but the ideas of his first wife and his children. If you must go with this man at the end of the day, you just have to find a way of injecting your control in your own marriage else you will only be a passenger in the whole setup. And if this happens, you will sooner or later get chocked by the daily challenges you have to cope with in your home.

But one of the things you must do as soon as possible is to find out why he insists you don’t tell your parents about his marital status. If he is sincere, he should place such a burden on you. As a matter of fact, it should be one of the first things you must tell your parents who in this instance have the experience to deal with him.

What is he trying to hide? Could it be that he is trying to hide something from you, which your parents would find out if they were aware of his marital status?

Have you tried to find out why his first marriage collapsed; the version of his wife? What sort of man is he? Is he responsible; has respect for people in his life?

Do you see him as one who has the right temperament and attitude to manage a woman without showcasing violence and temper? His story about the other woman may today evoke pity and anger in you but in her shoes, would you put up a better behaviour?

These are the challenges I spoke about and which you must not allow the care and financial support he is currently lavishing on you blind you to.

If your choice is to stay with him, insist he presents himself and history to your parents. He must be able to defend his past with dignity. At 40, it is too late in the day to play the prank of hiding a past that would sooner be discovered. So why not tell your parents the truth from the beginning?

In also marrying him, ensure you and his children have a reasonable relationship to prevent needless fight for the heart of your husband and their father. Remember from the beginning that this man is their father hence you must allow them close to him as well as give him the freedom to play his fatherly role to those children. To stand in their way would be creating problems for yourself and children later in life.

Once you agree to go into that house, your heart must be large enough to accommodate everybody that has a stake in his life.

There is also the issue of the attitude of your friends to him. Deep down, how would you feel with him in the company of your friends? The challenge of a young lady marrying a man advanced in age is her ability to withstand the jeers and rejection of her friends or people who see them together. You must at all times take pride in your choice of a husband. To do otherwise would spell doom for the relationship. This is one instance when love should be very wide eyed. Importantly, learn to pray and adhere to what God has to say on the matter to avoid regrets later in life.

Good luck.