Tell Me Of Dangers In Protracted Dating

Dear Agatha,

I really don't remember how I first discovered your column in the Daily Independent Online Newspaper, but ever since, I have benefited a lot from your wise, practical and sound answers to all kinds of questions. In fact, it has become my daily ritual to check out your column as I have my breakfast in the morning or before I retire to bed at night. 

My first question might not be the typical kind you receive.  I was just wondering who you are? What's your story? What led you to this ministry of seeking to grant succour to troubled minds? Furthermore I wonder if you're a psychologist with specialisation in the area of family life or if it's just a God-given gift to you.

I once asked a question which you posted as "What is a relationship?" That was back in 2007. Is there any possibility of your sending it to me as I foolishly didn't save your response then?

I am almost 22 years of age now. There is this girl I met about 18 months ago and I think I am falling in love with her. The future looks bright but I am wary of commitments knowing full well that I am still young and not very certain of what I want. Besides, I desire God's perfect will concerning my life, not just what looks good to me. I don't plan to get married until about five to seven years from now and I can't imagine dating for that long. I'll appreciate your advice on what to do in the interim. Communication links between us are very open though we now live in different countries; we lived in the same city for about a year and half till I left in July. We're very open to each other and she's truly my friend. Someone, I can perfectly feel "myself" around, without any fear of rejection or contempt. We're age mates, from different countries, have different stories but have a lot in common. I've heard several times that opposites attract but we are both primarily melancholies.

In fact, it seems we understand each other so much that we can guess what's on each other's minds without much effort. That's partly because our minds apparently work alike. Sometimes, that bothers me because I don't like to be an open book. Do you see a danger in this?

Sidi

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Dear Sidi,

Five or seven years may appear like a life-time, too long a time for anyone to nurture a relationship but when one considers the tremendous importance of having the right kind of partner in one’s life and dreams, then these years are really nothing.

Investing in the right kind of relationship is investing in your future, shaping it to fit into your dreams, giving it a shock-absorbing elasticity base to give you both broad-based freedom to operate.

A relationship get strangulated easily when the couple involved are not able to express themselves without fear, celebrate each other without feeling insecure, and plan for each other without feeling it is an added responsibility.

Friendship is one of the potent tools that wise couples use in growing a relationship to full maturity. What you and your friend have going on is priceless.

Because of your ages, don’t make haste into making promises about the future. Learn to take each day as it comes. Learn from now to offer support and understanding without first looking out for your own selfish benefits.

While you may not be too bothered about the future now, the lessons would help both of you in the future to make the right choices. Just as this relationship would give you both a very explicit idea of how things should be between a man and woman.

One of the greatest challenges we face in our adult lives, especially in our marriages is the lack of seriousness we attach to this important institution. Isn’t it funny how much time, energy and resources we put into studying and reading every available text on knowledge acquisition while this we neglect the most important institution on earth?

Yet this is the institution we are expected to graduate into, the reason we came to the world, and the one that determines how much success we make with all the knowledge we acquire in other fields.

It is almost certain that we would all grow up to be married some day so why do we treat with levity the processes that would lead us into it?

If you and this lady are good together, don’t hurt the relationship. You may think now it would never happen between you two and it ends up being a lifetime journey. Like the boys scout, always be prepared by giving every opportunity that comes your way. You never know when you would need the experience to make the difference in other areas.

Take each day as it comes with pleasure and cheerfulness. Submit yourself to hope while still celebrating the essence today. If you eventually part, there will be no regrets, just pleasant feelings of having given it your best performance, and if last forever, thankfulness that you didn’t allow the opportunity to slip away.

As for my identity, I am a journalist. Biologically, I have two children, a boy (21) and a girl (16) as well as two adopted daughters. What I am doing now is a special gift from God; one that took me through a lot of experiences which by the special grace of God would be told in my memoirs.

Good luck.

Four Men At My Skirt…My Choice Turns Me Off

Dear Agatha,

This life is full of mysteries. It is funny how we lavish time and emotions on someone who doesn’t even appreciate it; while countless others who would appreciate are ignored. 

I am 28 years of age. I have four men in my life. Three of them would do anything to have me in their lives and when I mean I have, I am not referring to sexual relationship but intentions to marry me. I have spent couples of nights with each of the guys and none of them forced me to have sex when I turned down their advances for it. They displayed respect for my wish not to have sex.

The fourth guy is the one I love the most. I love him with a passion even I cannot understand. My love for him drives me nuts but the irony of it is that he appears not to feel the same way as I feel for him. Although he claims to love, he keeps pleading for time. I don’t know how long I would have to wait for him to be ready.

Unlike the other three guys, I have never visited the fourth guy in his house. This is because I don’t want to have sex with any man until my wedding night. I am not a virgin but I have had enough of sexual activities and wish to continue only with the man I end up marrying.

The issue now, how do I tell these other guys I don’t love them and that they should go? I don’t want to hurt them but at the same time, I don’t want to keep them waiting endlessly what would never be.

I have fabricated lots of lies about myself that should make them run as fast as their legs can carry them from me but they simply refused to let go of me.

I am sad because the guy I love appears not to appreciate how much I love him. Even though I am not good at running after men, I took my fate in my hands last month to declare my love for him.

Although I made up my mind not to continue to hurt myself after my declaration to him, it has been difficult to get him out of my system.

He calls me once in a while but that is as far as it goes.

I sort spiritual help in three different places and in all these places; I was told he is the man God has chosen for me.

Although I have since moved on with my life, I still can’t help wondering why it is so difficult for me to fall in love with any of these other guys. Why do I have to love somebody that doesn’t feel the way I feel? I am not only confused, but also sick of life.

Please help me.

Lola.

 

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Dear Lola,

Life is really a funny game, a jigsaw of so many complications, intrigues as well as complexities. It is never a straight line, and more often than not, doesn’t even give a normal answer to a simple problem that requires a one-plus-one equals two kind of calculation.

Life requires absolute wisdom to function at full capacity. While I don’t support you dancing with all the four men, the truth remains that if you give yourself time to study any of the other three, you may come to realise that one of them might make you happier than the one who seems to be consuming your soul and life.

You are simply refusing to consider any of these men because of your burning passion for this other man. The danger of loving without reason is what makes the one who is doing all the loving reasons without thinking.

Yes, our chemistry is meant to work perfectly with certain people than others; this chemistry should make us incapable of thinking our options out carefully. These other guys must have something strong to have made you gone to their home to sleep on their beds with the confidence of coming out the next day without you being compromised.

This didn’t happen due to your refusal to have sex with them, you escaped because they have huge respect for your person. You are indeed one lucky lady to have three honourable men at your beck and call.

So don’t misuse the opportunity. This isn’t a matter for spiritualists to handle. As a matter of fact, you don’t have any business with them because they are not God and don’t know how He has patterned your life. If you were wise, you would depend solely on God because it is a matter best handled by God since He has the master plan in His hands.

You are unable to reason and clear your head of the emotional confusion because the number of men in your life is too much. There is no way you would not be confused if you have to divide your time and emotions among four men.

Which of them has your least requirement? Having dated all four; you must know those among them you don’t want to spend your life with. Once you know, remove them from your list to make your choice very easy.

The moment your mind is made up, don’t delay to tell them your decision because to keep them waiting, hoping for something you know would not happen, would hurt them more than you telling them the truth now.

Yes, they would be disappointed but at least it would free them to pursue their own dreams with another woman. What isn’t right is you moving on with your own life and keeping them waiting indefinitely all because you claim not to want to hurt them.

If your decision is to do away with all of them, be bold enough to face it. What matters at the end of the day is having a clear vision of what you want from life.

It all boils down to submitting to God and allowing Him to chart your path in life.

In times of massive confusion like this; don’t go anywhere or allow the vision of others make the decision for you. We all come with the ability and mercy to talk to God directly on issues affecting us. On your knees, ask God to point you at the man of his choice. Because He has all our hearts in His palms, if your fourth boyfriend is His choice, He would bring him to you, something nobody can ever do for you even if they are gifted the powers to see visions.

But to have Him help you, you have to make peace with God by forsaking all the things that would make His job difficult.

Don’t worry, with time, God would make right everything that is wrong.

Good luck. 

I’m Not Having An Affair

Dear Agatha,                                                                                      

I have read your words of encouragement to people on family, marriage, and relationship issues. I confess you are doing a very good job.

I am currently 28. I got married five years ago at the age of 23.

Between 2003 that I married this man and now, he has completely changed. He is very different from the man I got married to.

This change came after he went into politics. We are blessed with four children among them a pair of twins.

It has now become an annual ritual for me to go back to my mother’s place. Even as I write, we haven’t spoken a word to each other in the last one month even though we are resident in the same house.

I have done everything to make him have a rethink but all to no avail. He accuses me of having an affair, which is not true Although, I got to know through a close friend of his whom I begged to tell me what I had done to warrant his treatment of me. I discovered that his soothsayer told him I am being used to cause him pain and unhappiness in his life.

The tragedy of all this is that he believes anything they tell him even when such things are lies. His friend is apprehensive that if he asks more probing questions he might be killed. 

My husband is now threatening to send me packing, the fourth time since we got married.

I am honestly tired of the false accusation. Unfortunately, I am still in school and don’t have any money of my own or I would have since left with my children for good.

Agatha, what do you think? I need your advice. I am just too young to go through emotional pain but I am helpless.

Helpless Wife.

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Dear Helpless Wife,

The issue is; are you having an affair? If you are not; how did he come about the impression you are having an affair?

Sometimes we get accused falsely due to the type of attitude we put up or things we say. Being a student puts you in a very vulnerable position where your man is concerned. If he is the type of man that gets bothered about such things as his woman’s attitude, is in the habit of reading meaning into situations, your attitude or utterances may be the reason he is accusing your of extra-marital affair.

If he has changed dramatically from the man you married, what about you? How much have you changed from the respectful and humble woman he married? How much has your quest for better education affected your disposition towards him? Is the effect of the education you are getting for the better in your home or for the worse?

To help you solve the issue you are having with your man please begin from your own end. A lot of time people’s reactions to us are response to the signals they get from us. If you married him as a docile woman, one that was full of respect and awe of him, he is bound to suspect you of having an affair if you suddenly begin to maltreat him in terms of not showing him enough respect or beginning to stand up to him for your rights.

Infidelity is usually the first thought that comes to the man when his wife begins to manifest changes he isn’t comfortable with or has never displayed.

The essence of starting from your end is to help you have a balanced opinion and view about all the issues involved.

This calls for absolute honesty on your part. Leaving him isn’t a solution. You are not the only one involved in this marriage. Your children have a right to the love and comfort of their father too so their opinion and feelings too must be factored into whatever decisions you plan to execute.

In examining your own faults; score yourself on your tolerance level; your sensitivity to his interest as well as the issue of your temper and response to him. For instance, do you discuss issues with him as an adult or nag him into submission or disagreement?

Do you regret marrying him at the time you did? Do you have the feelings that marriage to him denied you of some of the excitements of your youth? The freedom to make wider choices? Be honest. Do you secretly resent him for trapping you into an early marriage?

Under what circumstances did you marry when you did? Were you forced to marry because you were pregnant and he had to do the honourable thing? For how long did you two court? What plans were in motion before you got married? What did you both agree to do together? What were your dreams individually and collectively? Were you both ready for this business of marriage beyond having children? How much training did you get in terms of being prepared for the challenges of the institution? What is your mother’s opinion on this matter?

I ask about your mother’s reaction because being your mother and one with years of experience managing men; she must have told you one or two things to help you manage this situation without your home collapsing in the process.

For instance she ought to have told you that the institution is one of the most unpredictable and challenging on earth. The disappointments most of the time out-weight the happiness but when these happy breaks come; they are potent enough to erase all the pains of those dark moments.

Disappointing as you think your man is; think of the special gifts in those children he has given you. Yes, you would have been able to have children from another man but would those children have been as unique as these wonderful four you have now?

Nothing in the world can give you so much fun and pleasure as these children if you know what and where to look at. Our pains become enormous because we are always in the habit of looking at the wrong side of things.

To help you rejuvenate your marriage it is important you look inwards for incentives. What better incentives can be better than your children? Parenting is about sacrifices, choices that put the interest of these young human beings before anything else. They are at the age they need their father’s love and presence.

For this reason, don’t listen to all the negative signs your marriage is presenting you. Rather, look at the positive ones, the angles you need patience, tolerance, wisdom, determination, prayers as well as faith in your vows and decision to marry to dig up from where you buried them. Gold in its raw form is ugly and appears valueless like any other stone. It takes a lot of work, diligence, patience, endurance, determination as well as perseverance of the anger, of the fire as well as the pride in the scars to make it the beauty women and men from all ages keep falling in love with.

The beauty of a marriage never comes to the fore unless a couple makes the effort to keep polishing it. If you keep looking at his faults and the various ways he has hurt you, you will never get your marriage off the kindergarten stage.

In what areas did he change after he entered into politics? He is bound to change because politics is one subject that has continued to defy comprehension particularly in this part of the world. Your role is to help him maintain a fair equilibrium between his new all consuming passion of politics and his responsibility to his home.

Sincerely, you cannot get him to do this by being difficult because of the difficult people he has to contend with outside the home.

As for his soothsayers; these are people you can effectively pray out of his life if only you know the powers you have as his wife and know how beneficial it is to have God on your side.

Finally, be rest assured you don’t have the monopoly of the problems confronting you in your marriage. Marital issues are as old as time and would keep occurring as long as it involves human beings.

All you have to do is to be prayerful and determined to make it work at all cost.

Good luck. 

I’m Too Shy To Talk Girls

Dear Agatha,

I am very shy when it comes to women generally. Till date I am yet to experience the thrills of a relationship because of this.

However there is this schoolmate of mine whom I have never spoken to but whom I have developed very strong feelings for.

Anytime I try approaching her, I lose courage as my mouth becomes too heavy and bereft of words to express my intention.

Please help me out as I am really in love.

Chris.

 

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Dear Chris,

Unless you make a fast move, you might lose her to another man. She isn’t a monster. The worst would be for her to reject your advances. This way you would at least know that you tried instead of wishing in later years that you told her about how you feel. 

But first you must learn to deal with the issue of your shyness. What do you think is responsible for it? Face whatever it is you think is responsible with all boldness and courage. There is no big deal approaching a lady for a relationship. Women are meant to be wooed by men. That one declines your offer doesn’t make you a failure in that field or for a man to give up.

You are finding it difficult to say anything to her because you are trying too hard to get noticed as well as make the right impression.

Chatting a woman up isn’t as difficult as most men are making it appear. A simple hello and how are you would do to arrest her attention even if for a moment.

In place of relationship, first offer her friendship, it is an uncomplicated offer which allows her the peace, freedom and right attitude to pursue as well as consider her options, without stress.

Most women feel insulted when a man they hardly know pounces on them with proposals of being in love with them. Serious minded women cannot help but wonder at the criteria used by the man to come to that conclusion.

If you set out to become her friend the same way you select your male friends, you won’t notice when the relationship graduates to the next stage because it would take a natural path.

Women too know how daunting the task is for most men to come out of their shells and sometimes out of mischief deliberately make things difficult but if the man is wise, he would not present his real interest first. Women find it difficult to be nasty to their friends unlike with complete strangers.

Good luck. 

He Wants Me Back In Bed Nine Months After Childbirth

Dear Agatha,

I gave birth to my first child nine months ago. Since then my husband has kept pestering me for sex. When I told my mother about it, she said I should ignore him because having sex with him while breast-feeding would affect the health of the child.

I have tried explaining the need for him to be patient but he has taken to threatening me. He is threatening to have an affair if I continue to hold back.

My baby is teething; a period my mother said is particularly bad for both mother and child. She said sperm from my husband if I allow him to make love with me would affect the health of the baby because the child would take in the sperm from my breast, a development that would upset the baby’s stomach and complicate the teething problem.

I don’t want my husband to have an affair. Do you think I should stop breast-feeding so as to be available to my husband?

Susan.

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Dear Susan,

Nine months in which you kept your husband away from your bed for a reason that is untrue? This is the height of marital cruelty! What relationship has your husband’s sperm with the milk the baby takes from your breast?

Your mother ought to know better. If your husband goes outside his home to have an affair, blame your mother, if your home collapses, blame your mother’s wrong counsel for it. If your husband marries another woman, the blame should go to your mother because what she is asking you to do is akin to telling you to marry another woman for your husband.

If your father tolerated it, allowed her to keep him away from her bed for that so long a time, it is either he was having extra marital affairs or married to several women in which case he can afford to ignore a woman for as long as nine months. One of the reasons we marry is to have unlimited access to sex. It is your obligation to give yourself to your husband when he demands for it and since he knows you are of good physical and emotional health, he would never have the patience and understanding not to exercise his rights.

You are not a piece of furniture in his house. For goodness sake, you are his wife, what he gets from you is unlike any he would get outside his home. So he cannot understand why the woman he married is refusing him when another woman would gladly give the same thing to him. In his shoes, would you? Don’t make the mistake of assuming his threats are meant to force you into doing what he wants, it is simply to tell you that he has exhausted his patience and is now determined to do what he has to do as a man in charge of his affairs.

Sincerely at this point, he is beyond care and reason as he is ready to damn the consequences of whatever actions he is contemplating.  A man on heat is beyond reason and would go to any length to have relief even if it cost him some peaceful moments later in life.

This is because in the first instance, there is nothing for him to understand or be patience over. Since there is no medical reason for what you are doing, what is there to understand? That his wife is being cruel to him, playing the script of an old woman whose idea of family planning is using breast-feeding as an excuse not to have sex with her husband and subsequently protect herself against early pregnancy shortly after a childbirth?

What is there for him to be patient over when his body hungers for you?

What would you think or do if he is the one denying you sex for this long? Would you not accuse him of having an affair outside you?

Deep in your mind, would you blame him if you he turns round, out of frustration, to accuse you of having an affair outside the home, and that your excuse of breast-feeding is only a smoke screen to hide the real reason?

If you don’t want a major crisis in your hands, give in to his demands because the baby you are abandoning him for will never be able to fill the gap of your husband in your life. There is no way you can have that child forever whereas, you and your husband are meant to last for the rest of your lives.

Sex is too much of an emotion between couples to be ignored or treated with levity. There is more about sex than making of babies. It is the bond, the nectar and the essence of marriage. It is the breath of life that gives oxygen to a relationship. Denying your husband and marriage of its life essence is similar to strangulating you both.

And why are you allowing your mother too much room in your marriage? Your marriage is private territory of you and your man only, not even your children must be given too much freedom to interfere.

Why do you need the permission of your mother to sleep with your husband? Why should she be the one dictating when you get to sleep with your man?

Frankly, these are situations you must never allow in the interest of your home. Would you have endured the situation if the meddling were coming from your husband’s mother? Would you have listened to her or tolerated the massive interference of something so personal? Wouldn’t you have gone round complaining about your mother-in-law’s wish to destabilise your home?

Marriage that involves outside interests never lasts. I am sure your mother wouldn’t want you to come back home to her or you for that matter. If the intention of your mother is not to pursue you out of your husband’s house, stop telling her anything about your love life. If God intended us to have an audience, He wouldn’t have given humans the sense to make it a private affair; it would have been an open act like the lesser animals do.

Medically, a woman is fit to resume sexual activities six weeks after the birth of a child if she has no complications. The longest she can stay off sex, if she went through cesarean, is three months.

The sperm has its natural path in the body of a woman so does the breast milk. Even though the production of milk is instigated by the act of a sperm, it doesn’t mean they come from the same source.

Doubtless, the breast milk helps provide the child with a high level immunity to fight diseases; it should not deny you and your husband the pleasure of each other’s company. There is no need to stop the baby from suckling. Be rest assured, it would not affect the baby in any way. The only draw back is that your husband may not be able to fondle your breasts with his tongue, as he would like, if he cannot tolerate the breast milk in his mouth.

If the hidden fear is about getting pregnant so soon after the birth of your child, there are various family planning devices. Visit your family doctor for professional help. They are in the best position to tell you which would work best for you but in the interim, lure your husband to bed this night if you haven’t already done so before this article comes out.

As for your mother, when next she asks if you have resumed having sex with your husband answer her in the negative. Go further by telling her you intend to wait as long as it takes to wean the baby from breast milk. This should keep her off your back.

And in your interest, keep your mother away from your home and please don’t tell him that your mother kept you away from his bed for that number of months. You would only be setting the stage for the two of them not to be friends for life. Certain things are best left unsaid. It is you that should apply wisdom in your relationship with your mother from now on.

Good luck.

 

Does Success In Marriage Obey Tribal Bias?

Dear Agatha,

I have been reading your column with great interest for sometime now.

There is this notion that some tribes are a no-go-area (dangerous zone) when it comes to love and marriage. For instance there is this thinking that Bini women are either wicked or diabolical irrespective of whether or not they come from Christian families or not. 

What then is or are the options for someone in a situation like, one in love?

Ebi.

 

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Dear Ebi,

True love has no creed, colour, tribe or biases whatsoever. When it happens it doesn’t discriminate against the feelings of the two people involved.

However, certain influences and submission have made love very subjective. For instance, there is no where in the world where there is a draught of wicked people. Right from the beginning of time, wickedness has reigned supreme yet this has not stopped people from getting married and having children.

Africa, Nigeria in particular, is not without its fair share of wicked people in high places. It is particularly bad in Nigeria where too many sentiments, ethnicity as well as nepotism have been allowed to take over our fair sense of judgement in very crucial matters.

We are products of a wicked world, wicked ancestry as well as nefarious foundation. What makes the difference is our own resolution over the path we want to tread in life. So also is our relationship with God.

If you place all that you have heard about a particular set of people forward in your choice of a live partner, you might end up never getting married or getting any woman for that matter to marry you. This is because there is no tribe or people in the world that haven’t been stigmatised. So when we stand in judgement against other people; it means we are pointing accusing fingers at each other endlessly and needlessly.

If love is what you feel, don’t listen to the voice of people but the language of your heart. What is your heart telling you about your love? What are the qualities that make her so outstanding and endearing to you? What is the tribe of her character? Of the happiness she brings into your life or the peace you get being with her?
Do these things make you absolutely happy at being a man?

When you compare her with all the other girls you have dated or know; what conclusions do you come up with? Do you see yourself aging gracefully together and is she the friend you need to be wholesome?

These are values you should focus more on. Simply because someone decides to brand one or your ancestors as being wicked or fetish doesn’t mean something good and beautiful cannot come out of you.

The heart of the person you are in love with is what matters most. Many people who today are powerful servants of God have foundations that emanated in occult and very fetish practices.

Not even the western world despite its mental and technological advancement is without such practices. If worship centres devoted to devil flourish in such societies, how much more in a society such as ours which is still struggling to define religion?

Don’t lose the chance because of what others say or think, you may lose the opportunity of being happy in an institution where most people are unhappy.

Rather than listen to the voice of men, take your case to God and listen only to what He tells you on this matter.

Good luck. 

He’s Pompous, Even To My Parents

Dear Agatha

I am 25 years of age dating a 30-year old guy. I love and cherish him but his attitude puts me off. He doesn't talk to people in the compound we live and even refuses to greet my parents. If I demand to know why he puts up that attitude, especially towards my parents, he would ask me if I have parents. To avoid trouble, I would simply allow the words wash over me.

Agatha, do you think he would change?

Concerned Lady.

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Dear Concerned Lady,

At 30! I doubt it very much. At his age, he is old enough to know what is good or not. At his age, he doesn’t need anybody to remind him of the basic social etiquette. Any person properly schooled in moral and social values know that elders must be treated with reverence at all times.

More so if the elders in questions are the parents of the one we claim to love. There is no way he can claim to love you without recognising the position of your parents (his potential in-laws) in your life. This is not negotiable irrespective of whatever reasons he may have for not greeting your parents.

If he loves you as much as you say, he would never, not matter what, treat your parents the way he is doing.

One thing is for someone to be reserved but another thing altogether if that person’s behaviour bothers on rudeness. He has no right to ask you that question about your parents. Even if your parents are the worst kind of human beings on earth, the most humble, he has no right to debase them the way he is doing. If he is demonstrating this type of contempt for your parents now when he is supposed to be showing them respect, what would happen if he goes ahead to marry you? Do you think he would ever welcome your parents to your house or give them the recognition they deserve as the people who brought you into this world? Would he be able to endure the disrespect as time goes on?

To be fair to him, he is giving you all the time in the world to know what you are getting into. He is not pretending to be who he is not so there is no way you can pretend or complain that he deceived you into anything.

The choice is yours; to either continue with a man who has no grain of respect for you or leave him for good. You are the one wearing the shoes; you know your limits. Therefore, do you think you have the emotional ability to cope with him or his behavior? Mind you, he might not change because after a certain age change becomes almost impossible for us to make. At 30, it might be difficult if not impossible to do away with a habit he has kept for three decades. It is like asking him to go for a complete mental surgery; he is like a dried fish and any attempt to exact too much pressure on him might make you lose him completely especially if you are certain about him being the most important person in your life.

Since he has not concealed from you this attitude of his, the ball is in your court to either continue to stomach his obvious rudeness to you and the persons of your parents or to develop the thick skin to ignore him.

If you do decide to continue with him, you must put mental structures in place to deal with this aspect of him. The first thing you do is to learn to ignore him absolutely and to plead with your parents to also pretend he doesn’t exist by alerting them on this major defect in his character. Warning them would make them not take him serious and stop them from getting agitated over his attitude.

You also have to prepare for the possibility of him insisting you adopt his life-style of keeping to himself. Marriage is a life time journey hence the need to be very serious when deciding who you spend the rest of your life with. With a man like yours, you must go the extra mile in thoughts because you would suffer the consequences of any ill-conceived decision. If you don’t begin from now to weigh all your options with the seriousness they deserve; situations may arise later in life which you may not be able to cope with.

Like I said, he has given you enough room to navigate; for this reason it would be totally out of place for you to weep over any unpleasant development in the future.

Your decision on him would determine whether you need to work on your shock absorbers or not. If your verdict is to stay on with him, do the wise thing of making up your mind to expect the worst; a situation wherein he forbids you the freedom to continue to visit your parents at will. Although it may seem far-fetched now but it could happen in the future. And unless you have prepared your mind now; you may never be able to cope with the shock of being denied the freedom to visit your parents as you like or be able to forgive him of the offence.

This is where you have to solicit the extra grace from God to be able to smile and continue to be yourself in this relationship. When you have the grace of God; apparently difficult things or people become possible. Therefore you need to focus on those areas of his person as well as attitude that would enable you cope with him. For instance what quality has he in abundance; something that swallows up the irritations but also very scarce in another man? Sincerely speaking you need something extra outstanding about him to be able to continue with him especially when the bile builds at his treatment of your folks.

Because we all need emotional equilibrium in our lives as well as relationships, don’t take a decision without first considering all the issues involved because you would have to live with the decisions as well as regrets of anything hasty.

To help, go to God in prayers to avert a major emotional disaster later in life.

Good luck.