My wife is grossly lacking in parlour etiquette

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I need urgent help. I am a 40-year-old man who has been married for over 10 years. But I have never enjoyed a minute peace in my marriage, as my wife is a tyrant. She beats me at will; dehumanizes me in the presence of our children. I know it sounds strange but it is the truth. My wife is a monster. She denies me sex and only agrees to it when she wants. Until I practically hand over my salary to her, she won’t give me any form of rest in the house. She knows how much I earn because she went to the office to lodge complaints against me; that I don’t give her money at home. Because of her nature, all my friends and family members have deserted me. None of them understands my reason for keeping her as my wife; in all honestly I don’t understand it myself when in the presence of visitors, she would call me names or water like she did when my mother came to help with our last child. The funny thing is that she is very sweet to her own family members and the few friends she has. Like me the children keep away from her for fear of her mood. The reason I am writing you has to do with her recent behaviour when our landlord came to ask for his rents. I was actually asleep when the man came; rather than come into the room to wake me she started raining curses on me and at the same time the landlord. By the time I came out of the room with my rent, my landlord was very angry. He refused to collect the money from me; insisting I must vacate his premises that he can no longer endure the attitude and rudeness of my wife. This will be the sixth place we have lived since we got married. I am really fed up with the whole thing called marriage. Everyday, she pushes me to the edge of my endurance. I grew up with very peace loving parents; never once did I witness my parents quarreling. Knowing that no two human beings can be together without having their moments of disagreement, they kept their disagreement inside their bedroom. It is so bad that my eldest daughter talks to me without respect or fear just like her mother. I am fed up; please help me, Agatha. I am a senior officer in my place of work with people working under me. They all respect me. Helpless Man, Dear Helpless Man, Going through the content of your mail got me very confused and my first reaction was to ignore your letter and invite you instead for a private discussion. But since you refused to come to our office because of what you tagged shame, I have decided through the help of God to reply you. Marriage is a partnership, not a prison. Its wheel must constantly be greased with respect for it to function well. It is also governed by its sets of principles and rules; once there is dislodgement in any of these rules, the foundation of the marriage becomes threatened and if nothing is done immediately to rectify it, it risks complete collapse. In a situation where there is total breakdown of law and order between the two of you, for the sake of the children, you especially, have to reconsider the condition of your being together as man and wife. The reason couples patch things up in a bad marriage is because of the children, but there are certain instances when the children have to be protected from the negative influences of their parents’ examples. The longer your children are exposed to this situation between you and your wife, the greater danger of your children modeling their marriages after yours because it is the only example they have. To prevent their future partners being subjected to you and your wife kind of examples, it is appropriate you sit to think of a way out of this mess your marriage has become. You and your wife made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together so in that aspect, you can decide to endure whatever kind of discomfort, insults and disrespect from your wife because you made the choice to spend the rest of your lives together but the children had no choice in the matter of the family they are born into. You invited the children into your lives hence you must take responsibilities for how they turn out in future. Your situation is an example of how the negative behaviour of parents impact negatively on the children. Your wife’s unruly and cantankerous behaviour didn’t start today or were born with her. She must have learnt to beat you from the example of someone close to her. Your daughter is fast copying the same attributes from her. If nothing is turn to help her see the good side of marriage, point her at how a normal relationship between a man and woman should be, she will end up being another man’s nightmare. That your parents didn’t quarrel in the open doesn’t mean they never did. Their example shows good management and effective leadership on the part of your father. If your father didn’t command the respect of your mother, she won’t be support him to succeed as the head of the family. The lesson here is that your father was man enough to have provided your mother the kind leadership that kept her in her place as the woman. It is either you make up your mind to be a man in your home or end the marriage and spare your children the horror of seeing their father being beaten by their mother at any little excuse. There is a huge difference between being quiet and being timid. No matter what your excuse is, you are weak as a man; which is why your wife has escaped for too long with her behavior. Had you from the very first time she raised her hand against you to put her in her place, she wouldn’t have dared it a second time let alone allow it to become the norm in her relationship with you. If your decision is to stay with her, you have to help yourself stop this abuse of your person and ego. One way to do it is to find the guts to be a man in your home. The fact that you have people working under you, are in a position of authority at your place of work shows that your problem with leadership is at the home front. So why is it so difficult for you to exercise your leadership potentials in your home? this is the time to tell yourself some plain truth. What kind of courtship did you two have and what kinds of indulgences did you allow in the name of love during that time? What kind of woman was she, way back then? Did you have any inkling that she would become a man beater along the road? What kind of marriage do her parents have or had? What kind of woman is your mother-in-law and man, your father-in-law is or was? Difficult situations require tough solutions. It is either your love for your wife reduced you into a weakling for a husband or there is a power you are not aware of at work in your life. Whatever the case maybe, you just have to resist it and fight back for your respect as a man in your home and dependable father to your children. First is the awareness that something is wrong with your marriage and life which is good; it give emphasis to your silent rejection of the current status quo in your home as well as a determination to change things. The first signal is to call your wife and express your displeasure at her attitude to you in private and public places. Let her know you are no longer ready to put up with her attitude and that if she persists; you have the option of ending the marriage and going away with your children. The fact that you can make the declaration will put some measure of fear into her. The next time she puts up her hand to hit you, grab her hand and pretend as if you are going hit her back. Although the temptation of giving her back the same measure you got from her, don’t give it because once you start hitting her, the memory of how she has treated you all these years will keep urging you to carry on. At the end of the day, you will only have succeeded in replacing one kind of violence with another kind, leaving your children still without a good example to emulate in their own lives and homes in the future. Studies have shown that bullies are scared of challenge. She may want to fight back but let your eyes and the set of your face tell her how serious you are. Do it in the presence of your children for the simple reason that they witnessed your humiliation by their mother and have developed an attitude towards you. Seeing you talk and treat their mother like that will automatically beat them into line. You are helpless because you allow yourself to be. Children are the best politicians on earth. They are good at shifting to where the power base is. Think of positive ways of putting your wife in her place without raising your voice or hand against her. Even if spiritual, once you have the awareness and determination to break it; whatever was used in putting you into bondage becomes neutralized. All you have to do is to back it up with prayers at all times. As for your landlord, go and beg him personally but if he insists you vacate his property, plead for time but ensure your wife never puts you in a position to beg your next landlord. Good luck.