I don’t know what to do

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,
Greetings to you in the name of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am one of your readers. I pray God gives you an answer to my problem.

Sometime ago I was into a relationship with a guy who was a graduate. I started a relationship with him while he was not working. Then he used to plead with me to be patient with him that things would change once he gets a job. I didn’t mind because I loved him so much.

He got a job seven months after we started our relationship. Initially things were very fine between us even though he moved from Kano to Lagos.

We kept constant communication with each other on the phone. It became a ritual for us to speak daily, and whenever I fail to call he would immediately call to inquire if everything was okay with me.

Once, I travelled to Lagos to spend some days with him and to know where he lived.
When we were together in Kano he used to plead with me to keep myself for him and never to do anything stupid. He emphasised his need of me in his life even though we pledged not to engage in sexual activities until the time was right. For being so considerate of my feelings I loved him the more.

Because of this considerate attitude of his, I refused any other man that came to me. I made a vow to remain faithful to him, no matter the temptation that came with being a woman.
Agatha, you can therefore imagine my pains and aches when he stopped calling me and even when I beep his number he still wouldn’t call. This continued for a time until he told me of another relationship he was into and his plans to marry the other woman. I was devastated not only due to his betrayal but also his cruelty, because I stood by him when he didn’t have anything to his name.

When we started, I specifically asked if he were in any other relationship, to which he answered in the negative. So, his relationship with this woman couldn’t have predated mine with him.

Well the marriage didn’t hold as planned and I have since moved into another relationship with a man who has expressed the desire to settle down with me next year.
We are both in love but because of the experience with my first boyfriend, I am scared. Besides, I don’t want to make a mistake in my life one that would haunt me forever.
Do I say yes to this second man or should I wait and see if the former man will come back? I don’t want to make mistake. I have given him some time now and have been praying to God over the issue.
Agatha, what should I do?
Worried Lady.



Dear Worried Lady,

Why do you want to wait for a man who hasn’t shown remorse on the way he treated you or given you fresh assurances that he wants you to be part of his life?

For you to consider him at all, he has to make the move to resolve all outstanding issues with you, explain why he betrayed your love and why he thought the other woman was a better wife material than you. In addition, he has to ask for forgiveness and give your fresh assurances of his need of you as well as commitment to you.

If he hasn’t done any of these, waiting for him would be to your doom.

You are fortunate to have gotten someone else who is interested in marrying you. Not every woman is as lucky as you so give this relationship your best to ensure it works out. Even though you would still be hurting from the betrayal of your previous relationship, it shouldn’t stop you from learning to trust again.

Begin the process of healing by allowing this new man in your life help you overcomes the disappointment of your previous trial. By telling him the truth, you court his understanding and patience to deal with your moods and doubts. Like women, men are very sensitive to a lukewarm attitude in their partners. If you don’t tell him the truth, don’t make him understand that your seeming withdrawal at times has to do with a bygone pains, a time would come when he would misinterpret your mood to mean you don’t love him enough to marry him.

You could lose him in the process because a man’s heart warms best to a woman who show them happiness and appreciation.

You cannot peg your happiness and life to a man who didn’t think twice of hurting you. Instead of the sadness you now feel, you should be happy that you found out all about him before you marry him. What would you have done if you found out he were capable of cheating on you after marriage?

At least you have the freedom to start all over again, but had it happened after you married him you would be forced to endure the unhappiness and pains because of the cultural and legal tangles that make marriage difficult to terminate with ease.

Give yourself time to know this new man in your life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Good enough you have prayed but if you don’t take the step of faith required to realise your dream, no matter how hard you pray you would never get the required result.

You are being unfair to judge your new relationship and man on the basis of what another man did to you. It is a mistake that has destroyed so many promising relationships. If you want to be happy, you must develop the will to leave the past and flow with the waves of the present and future. Don’t let this happen to you else you may never get over the disappointment. No disappointment is worth keeping evergreen because the pains would never allow for objectivity.

The best legacy you can give yourself is to use the experiences of the past as a heritage for the present and future.

There must be certain things you did wrong, which you must never do again to protect your future. Rather than focus on the mistakes and pains he caused you, look at your own failures too. Learning from past mistakes is what makes the difference between successes and failures. What did you do to make this man change his mind about you?

Is it the way you look, your hygiene, your comportment, your attitude or your temper? Lots of things could make a man change his mind especially if those things make him uncomfortable. You may give a man all the support he needs to succeed in life but the moment something about you makes him uneasy, inferior in the company of friends and colleagues, there is the risk of him finding another woman who would fill the void created by your carelessness.

If you continue to focus on his betrayal alone, you may never be able to do an objective analysis of yourself with a view of knowing where and how to help improve on your person.

Relationship is a wholesome process. No part must be left unattended to else, that little ignored part can cause a major quake to the rest. Men need women they can be proud of in every area: spiritually, emotionally and physically. You don’t have to be expensively dressed to keep your man’s attention but it must be neat and presentable.

Take a good look at yourself, where are you in need of improvement? Once you know, go immediately to work.

With the help of God, you will be happy but you must learn from this early how to please and hold on to your man. Ask him for help on ways to make him always proud of you. His thoughts and inputs are necessary for your metamorphosis as a complete woman.

Consign your pains to the trash bin of the past and move forward into the future with this man with all the trust you have. Even if he makes mistakes, dialogue and forgiveness help a lot. Trust God and learn to be happy.

Good luck.