Do I need to marry again?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I became a widow at an early age. Due of my experiences after the death of my husband I am scared of remarrying. Do you think it is better I remain single with my baby or remarry? And secondly I lack what it takes to love another man that comes my way. What should I do?

Worried Widow.


Dear Worried Widow,

Widowhood on its own is traumatic, and in our society has been made more painful by the treatment given to the bereaved woman from the deceased family.

To dwell on this is to shortchange yourself and deny your child of the benefit of having a stable father figure in life. Also, you would be giving your accusers every reason to continue to torment you.

The fact that your husband died early doesn’t mean you have allowed your happiness and that of your child to die with him. There is no way you would have prevented his death. So don’t allow guilt and what people would say stop you from being happy.

Only the living lives life. He got down from the bus of life at his designated bus stop. Even if you had offered him your life, there is no changing what God has ordained.

Refusing to marry would not bring him back just as marrying another man won’t erase his memory from your heart and life. That time you shared with him would remain indelible. He place in your heart would never be taken by another man.

Apart from the gift of that child, your history will never be completed without a mention of him. He would forever remain special in your life.

But life didn’t plan for both of you to spend your entire lives together. You have been separated by death, and live you must. In your shoes, he too would consider remarrying after sometime. So don’t feel you are betraying him by living again.

You may not need a man for now, but after a while you definitely would need the companionship of a man in your life. It would also get to a point you would need more than sex from a man. Having been married before you would eventually want marriage all over again. Don’t forget that you didn’t plan separation, it happened because you lost your husband to death.

Not many women can live without a man in their lives. Your child may for now give you all the comfort you need but won’t always be there for you. That child has a life and would one day leave the nest.

It is that day you must begin to plan towards so you don’t become an over possessive, become a hindrance rather than a blessing to this child. Chances are if you don’t plan a life of your own outside this child, you would be. It is always very difficult especially for a single mother to let an only child go.

Understandably you feel this way because you are still hurting for your loss and the death of not just your husband but of all the dreams you shared. It is healthy for you to feel this way, normal for you to want to reject other men, but it would be unhealthy to cocoon yourself forever in the memories of yesterday.

Brutal as this may sound, that yesterday is gone forever. It would never come back to you. All you have are memories, cherished ones indeed!

And if uncertainty is your fear because of the bitter experiences you went through in the hands of your in-laws, these things are normal. If you were the one that died, your people too are bound to ask questions. Therefore don’t take whatever they did to heart. They have every right to demand answers to unanswered questions concerning the death and otherwise of their child. You would too if anything happens to your child. You lost a husband; they lost a child. Like you their pains would never completely heal. At least you can remarry, but there is no one that can replace him in their lives.

You need to move forward. However, don’t rush yourself into anything. Take each day as it comes. Ensure you are reasonably healed since there is no way you can ever be completely healed before allowing another man into your life.

Take each day as it comes. Allow it to be a gradual process until you are sure of him. Although this may be a little bit difficult considering you are a matured woman, used to having sex on demand, but be careful you don’t allow sex to be the prime reason for any relationship to avoid more emotional injury to yourself.

Above all, get closer to God to send a man who would not just love you but also accept your child as his.

Good luck.