My black American lover is a sex freak

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am an avid follower of your column because of the practical and truthful way you answer questions from your followers. I am a 32-year-old Nigerian residing in the United States of America and the only son of my parents.

The issue at hand is my relationship with a 29-year-old black American girl. Despite the persuasion by friends that black Americans are different from us and not always the best people to fall in love with I’ve been with this lady for over four years. Like every other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. However, I sometime reflect on how crazy they could be, a development, which makes me very scared and has influenced me to ask her to abort a pregnancy once.

Most of my friends who are married with children, keep frowning at my relationship with her. I am with her because she’s nice, sincere, loyal to me, always concerned about my future, and wanting to help me always. She’s the closest person to me.

But one thing keeps bothering me about the relationship. About two years ago, we had a major disagreement, which led to our decision to go our different ways but we made up about a week after. To my hurt and pains, she confessed sleeping with another man within the very short period the disagreement lasted.

I was disappointed but I took her back because I still had feelings for her. Recently we broke up again, because a pastor told me she wasn’t my wife and that if I went on with her, something disastrous would happen to us. Out of fear of the prophecy, I sat her down and told her what I was told. I decided I had to let her go. We both felt bad. Shortly after, I travelled to Nigeria and met some other ladies but no matter how much I tried, my mind was still on my American girlfriend. I went around praying to different spiritualists to seek directions: some said she was good, others said she wasn’t, and this made me more confused. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I sent her a text message telling her I still loved her, she said the same thing and we really had a good heart to heart conversation.

At that point I made up my mind to damn the consequences and go ahead to marry her. I spent only two weeks in Nigeria and when I came back, I got her gifts and was happy to be back with her. Then out of inner curiosity, I started to ask her questions if she had met anyone during my absence, she said no, but something kept insisting I intensify my questions. At last she said she had someone, her ex, and that she slept with him. I felt really disappointed because while in Nigeria, I went about praying just to be with her, even my parents are against my relationship with her but this is what I get for insisting on going on with her.

Although she apologised for what she had done and I have accepted the apology, I fear she would still have sex with another person even when we profess to be in love with each other. I know I had broken up with her before she did that, but what pained me most is that within two weeks she had hooked up with her ex.

I felt it was too soon for her to do that and it made me feel that she had her options already even though we’ve been together for over four years. Now I am confused and beginning to doubt marrying her.

I have tried looking for someone else but nothing is working because I am truly in love with her. She makes me happy, she’s nice, respectful. It is just that I can’t vouch for her sexually anymore. It bothers me. Please I need your advice.

Worried Man.



Dear Worried Man,

Outside these two instances you cited, did she ever sleep with another man while both of you weren’t having any misunderstanding or ending the relationship?

More than anything else this is what you should find out. One thing is for her to sleep with another man while under the impression that it is over between the two of you, but another thing if she is sleeping with her ex when there are no issues between the two of you.

Also, there is the need for you to find out if this ex is the same man she has slept with in these two instances. Her answers would help you determine if there is really a relationship between the two of you or not.

If the ex is the same man she slept with on the two occasions, it means there is more to their relationship than she is actually telling you. Whatever may have gone wrong with them hasn’t dulled the feelings between them. The implication would be that you are actually the third party in the relationship, a sure sign that you may have to force yourself to let go of her completely. The fact that the two of them can’t let go of each other means that even when you marry her, he still has that power to tempt her to come back to bed with him.

Honestly, it has nothing to do with love but the power of seduction. She may really be in love with you but still cannot resist something deep and reckless in the other man. The danger is actually in her inability to resist this thing she herself cannot explain. Until she develops the will to fight whatever it is, that makes want to keep going back to this man chances of her being faithful to you is very slim.

This is one angle you must examine thoroughly. She may be nice, honest, caring and loyal to you but once she is unable to fight that urge deep in her person to go back to her ex, there is little or nothing you can do about it.

In discussing the issue with her, you have to make her talk about that thing she finds absolutely irresistible about her ex that she keeps going back to anytime you have disagreement with her.

But if the men are different, it means she has a passion for sex and cannot stay away from it for too long. The challenge of you managing this kind of woman would be to take her along with you everywhere you go if you are staying more than two or three days. There are some women who cannot exist without having a man by their side for more than 48 hours. Again, you have to be realistic enough to ask yourself if you can cope with her.

It has nothing to do with where she is from but with her nature as a person. Having tasted the pleasure of sex, she may not have the emotional stamina to stay away from it.

Ensure you discuss this issue with her with dispassion. She has to see how much she is hurting you just as you have to understand her kind of person.

As for your desire to spend the rest of your life with her, be careful you don’t end up consulting the wrong kinds of person. You are the one who wants to spend your life with her, why not be definite about what you want and seek the face of God yourself? There is nothing God is going to tell the pastor which He isn’t telling you. The question is are you listening to His voice?

To ensure you are on the right path, time is now for you to go on your knees and talk to God directly because marriage isn’t a journey you on into based on your own strength and desires.

It is a complex and intricate journey, one that requires more than love to conquer. As a man, you would need integrity to be lord in your home. There is nothing that destroys a man like not having confidence in his wife. It is like that tiny hole that destroys the best of fabrics.

When a man thinks his wife cannot be trusted, the relationship becomes doomed even before it has a chance to crawl. Before you go into this, put sentiments aside and look at this issue objectively. The fact that you are an African man makes the issue more important. Being respectful is not the same as sexual fidelity, which is the pivot of a marriage and family building. Every man should without thinking be able to vouch for the paternity of his children. If you are constantly in doubt of her person, what guarantees do you have of loving her and the children, as you should?

Go into this marriage only when you are sure, you can trust her get the kind of peace that every marriage requires to be happy from it.

Hear her out, when you get back. Thereafter, be very honest with yourself because it is your life, your peace and sanity. If you make the wrong choice, bear in mind you will be the one to suffer just as you would be the one to reap tremendous happiness if you make the right choice.

You do need time away from her, your friends and family to get the right signals from God. Once you finish having the discussion with her, go away for a while before making the final decision.

Good luck.