My foreign wife laments I married her to facilitate my papers…

Dear Agatha,

I feel comfortable with the way you help people solve their problems. I have been reading your wise advice through the internet.

I am from Anambra State but work and live in Europe. I am married to a white woman and we have a son. Our marriage is nearly three years old now. 

My problem is that sometimes this woman feels I married her because of documents. Deep down I married her because I love her, and I know she loves me too. But she often says I married her because of document and this makes me feel very bad each time she mentions this. I don’t know if to continue with her? I am worried because I really love her

Chibuzor.

Dear Chibuzor,

The onus is on you to prove your love for her and dispel any doubts she may have regarding your reasons for marrying her. Something in your past or from the experiences of people around her could have given birth to this feeling. It could also come from the company you keep. If your friends are touting the fact that they married their wives to facilitate their documents, nothing you say to the contrary would assure her of your true love for her. 

Sincerely you cannot blame her since it is becoming the norm for black men to marry white women for the reasons of easing their stay abroad. 

However that is not to say you shouldn’t go out of your way to prove your love for her. 

The first thing is to sit her down to explain your pains and disappointments at her line of thoughts. At this junction an honest approach is all that you need. Go back to your roots, the reasons you came and if you ever harboured the idea of using a white woman to make things easy for you out there, be brave enough to tell her. This is to help her understand where you are coming from as well as to make her appreciate what you really feel for her.

It would also make things clearer to her to share your childhood fantasies of the kind of woman you have always wanted in your life. Draw attention to the essentials, the qualities you have always desired in the woman of your choice.

Follow this with a thorough explanation of what you felt when you met her and how deep she affects you in different and unique ways. Boast about her virtues, the kinds you recognise in the woman of your dreams, and the kind no other woman you have met has gives her the edge. 

Be bold enough to tell her that she reserves the right to believe you or not, but what you are telling her is the truth and that if she doesn’t trust you after being together for almost three years, it is very unfortunate. 

To underscore your disappointment, inform her of your intentions to end the marriage on account of lack of trust on her part. 

Again, lay bare to her what your thoughts are on an ideal marriage and how you cherish that above every other thing. 

Hearing and seeing you talk about it as frankly as you can, will help her to be conscious of the dangers ahead to her marriage to you if she continues to harbour such feelings against you. 

In addition you also have to ask where the thoughts are coming from to enable you block it effectively. 

Ending the marriage isn’t a solution rather it is a complication because rather than erase the impression of you she has it will further fuel her suspicions of you. The fact that you both have a child between the two of you should make you in particular tread carefully. 

Circumstances and situation have put on you the onus to verify your claims of being in love with her. Rather than feeling that you are let down by her doubts, try to understand where she is coming from. Everybody wants to be loved for themselves not what you have to offer. She loves you enough to want you to love her for who she is not because she is providing security for you to stay in her country. Her feelings though irritating to you are very real for her. To dismiss them would be to destroy the one thing that makes her happy as a woman. 

She wants to be able to look at her son and say he came out of a deep love and respect not from a selfishly motivated union by the father. For a woman, such sentiments are what give her and her child the sense of security she needs to be happy with her husband. That she is voicing it out shows that she cares about you in more ways than you know. 

Woo her with everything you have as a man including showering her with affections even in public places. Send her romantic text messages, flowers, chocolates, romantic nights out for just the two of you, perfumes, compliments on her looks and when you can afford it bring her to the country to know your people and culture. It takes very little effort to get most women to trust in their husbands and fall in love with them all over again. 

Everywoman wants to know she is very important to her husband and that when not with her he is thinking of her. There is no way she would ever doubt your reasons for marrying her if you let her know through words and actions that she is constantly in your mind. 

Finally, learn to pray by not relegating the God that brought both of you together to the background in your home. 

Good luck.