I am in love with my girlfriend. Until recently, we made love without experiencing problems at all, but all that changed when on a certain night she started lecturing me on how to make love to her that will bring about a more satisfying companionship.
She told me what she wanted me to do with her body, where to touch with my hands as well as lips. It was all so strange to me, because since we started making love she has never complained. When I told her I could not oblige her request, she was angry, and said if I could not satisfy her, she will quit. And true to her words she has never bothered to come back to visit me or pick my calls.
Please, tell me what to do. Do I go back to her or let her be?
Peter.
Dear Peter,
In the first place what do you understand by love? What amount of sacrifices are you willing to put into perfecting your love? Love should be enduring, selfless, humble, patient, understanding, supportive, never keep records of wrongs and above all, must be sensitive to the feelings of the other person.
You didn’t meet her a virgin, meaning she comes with packages of experiences and used to making love in a particular way. Before meeting you she must have experimented with other positions different from what you are used to. That she didn’t complain until that particular night doesn’t mean she was totally enjoying your ways, but decided to keep quiet to make you happy as well as not to give you the wrong impression about herself.
She told you about her ways at the point she felt comfortable and confident about your feelings for her. She thought both of you have crossed the crucial points of doubts and misgivings, hence her decision to open up. Your attitude and response to her, no doubt, left a bitter taste in her mouth, and called to question your level of maturity in handling such sensitive matters. Granted, she may have scared you with the diversity and intensity of menu, good sense ought to have told you to discuss options with her instead of throwing everything away.
Just like you, she has a right to satisfaction, a right to an input in how both of you relate in the bedroom. Because a relationship involves two persons, you should have at that point considered her requests by asking her some leading questions on the quality of your lovemaking, why she hasn’t said anything until now as well as your objections to some of the ideas based on limited experience in such areas. Good lovemaking comes from having an opened mind as well as trust. You reacted the way you did because you didn’t trust where the experience was coming from, hence you became suspicious of her though you didn’t categorically say so.
But your reactions said it all. Not only did it convey shock, terror at the depth of her knowledge about sex, but robbed you of the confidence you have always marketed as a man.
Like most men, you recoiled at such an expansive knowledge from a woman. You instantly saw her under the banner of red and mercury lights, hence your refusal to even consider the ideas, let alone make love to her the way that would have made her happier than she has ever been. You simply didn’t like the fact that she has more experiences than you.
You mirror the typical male who thinks a woman has no right to make demands on how she wants to be made love to. Asking you to do it her way for once is because she thinks you have earned her trust to expose herself to you.
Not only did you fail her, but also hurt her beyond measure when you rejected. This accounts for her decision to quit, because she knows if things are left the way they are between the two of you, she may be forced to look elsewhere for that satisfaction you are refusing to give her.
As a matter of fact, you should have been happy at her request; because it meant she truly loved you else she wouldn’t have bothered. Some women would have continued playing the good girl with you while she went in search for her real fun elsewhere. That she didn’t want to do that is commendable.
Rejecting her also pictured you as a selfish man: one scared of change, an insensitive lover. When a man displays selfishness in the bedroom, it signals a man uncompromising and difficult to manage. Relationship is about compromises, something you appear to lack and unwilling to do. Change is necessary to grow a relationship. Her demand is a choice of change from what you are used to, to something new.
If you really love her, go back and plead for forgiveness as well as understanding of your position. Explain to her that shock made you behave the way you did and after careful considerations you are willing to consider what she told you.
The best way to go about it is to munch a little at a time. Ask for her assistance as well as leadership where necessary. Remember there should be no ego or power tussle in the bedroom, because that is one place where couple can really let loose.
Good luck.
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