Raped At Five, Am I Wrong Calling Myself Virgin?

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend is 22 while I am 19. Our relationship is still secret because of the disposition of my parents towards me having a relationship.

I consider myself a virgin because I haven’t had sex in my life, though I was raped at the age of five. I have told my boyfriend that I am a virgin and as a result would not submit myself to him until we marry. He is completely in agreement with me over this.

But I am afraid about how he would react if he finds out on our wedding night that I am not the virgin as I claimed.

Sophia.

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Dear Sophia,

You were raped at age five when you had little or nothing to say about what happened to you. You were innocent of the act hence should have told him the truth from the beginning. No decent man would have held you responsible for an act you were too young and innocent to know how it happened or what you could have done to prevent it.

Technically, you may be a virgin but in reality you are not. Whether you did it out of your volition or not, the fact that penetration took place means your seal has been broken.

However, not telling him has put the guilty verdict on you squarely. He would think your decision now is an after thought and may make the story of your rape at that early age difficult to accept as truth.

Besides, it calls to question your motive of keeping the issue from him. Was it really fear or something else? This is the explanation you have to provide him with. It also underscores your understanding of him and the trust you both have on each other vis-à-vis your relationship.

A relationship pampered with plenty of trust, understanding and friendship would not have difficulties dragging something as delicate as this from the cupboards. Having made up your minds to spend the rest of your lives together, this issue is one of the things you should have dealt with long before now.

There is no way someone or somebody close to you wouldn’t tell him about the ugly incident. Not necessarily to spite you but to help him understand whatever behaviours that incident may have brought upon you.

Besides, you may not know the extent of psychological damage to you since you are yet to experience sex with a man in your adult life. The consequences of violent sex often go beyond the injury sustained at the time. For some ladies, they never get over the memory of the incident for life. It takes the combined mercy of God and understanding of their men to help them get back to near normal life.

Before he finds out, tell him the whole truth and why you were afraid to tell him all along. Let him understand in clear terms your fears over telling him and why you think he might not be interested in you again.

If he leaves you on account of telling him the truth, it only means he never loved you and that he only wanted you because of your virginity.

Although it would hurt you but a man who cannot stand by you during your moment of trials isn’t worth your love.

This may be the text your relationship needs to firm up its foundation.

Even though you haven’t displayed enough trust in him in the first place, this incident would act the much-needed barometer to properly gauge his interest in you as well as the amount of confidence he has in your person.

If you wait until your wedding night to tell him the truth, it could torpedo your marital bliss because suspicion would have been created in his mind about the authenticity of your story.

Whatever your fears may be, it is both important and urgent you take him along because it takes a minute to trust or lost confidence in a person.

Good luck.