My Husband Beats Me

Dear Agatha,

My husband takes delight in beating me up at the slightest excuse.

We have been married for 15 years but the beatings haven’t stopped because he says I am very stubborn, rude and a nag.

I don’t know how to stop him from embarrassing me in the neighborhood.

These days, he doesn’t even bother to come up from work. He comes in very late at night when the children would all be asleep. He drops enough money for the upkeep of the home and ensures his children never lack anything but he is never there when they need him.

The weekends are even worse. He practically runs away from the home only to call the children on phone to ask them about their school, health and all the rest.

And when I complain, he accuses me of being a nag. I am naturally a hot-tempered person so when he dismisses my opinion I get angry but is it enough reason for him to turn me into his punching bag? Refusing me the equal partnership we promised each other at our wedding?

Agatha, is this what marriage is about? The man making all the rules while the woman gets beating into submission like everyone else is insisting I do?

My parents and siblings think my marital problems would be minimised if I am a little bit submissive but what about him learning to respect my feelings and views? Is it responsible for him to be running away from his home or beat me up each time I accost him?

Please help me because my marriage has been nothing but a huge disappointment and a living hell. Funny enough, even my daughter and son think I am the problem in their lives. I fail to see anything I am doing wrong hence my confusion at the accusations against me.

What do you think I am doing wrong? Since you are not involved in this, your opinion is essential. Please help me.

Disappointed Wife.

 

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Dear Disappointed Wife,

A lot of things are wrong with your attitude towards your marriage, home and husband. The first mistake is your conception of marriage being equal partnership between a man and woman.

No! God didn’t design marriage that way. In every organised setting, there must be a leader; one whose duty it is to lead the pack, set an agenda and take responsibility for the team.

Granted, the head only symbolises all the ideas of the members of the team; if the other members of the team is made up of people who refuse to recognise the essence of having a person at the helm of affairs, refuse to give recognition to the importance of that position, think they have the same rights and influence as the leader, that team, no matter how good the individuals are would end up being a colossal failure for its inability to give respect to its leader.

Even where members feel short-charged by the leader or feel the leader is too hard-handed, rudeness and disrespect for the office of that person would not achieve any meaningful result.

First, recognise the fact that your husband is the head of your home. There is no way you can get him to listen to you and value your opinion if you continue to show disrespect for his person and headship of the home. The fact that a woman leaves her family; drops her birth identity and picks up the name and identity of the man’s family is enough evidence that marriage isn’t an equal partnership. In an acquisition, the stronger organisation swallows the name and fortune of the weaker one. Marriage works on this same principle. Irrespective of whether a woman is more educated, prominent or comes from a prestigious family, at marriage she must submit herself to the name and authority of her husband. Failure to do this always ends in trouble for the union.

It would not take anything away from you if you learn to give your husband the respect he deserves as the man in your life, head of your home and father of your children. Being your husband, he is too important a factor in your life to be treated with disdain.

If he is beating you, it is only because you give him reason to. Not all men can endure rudeness or know how to ignore nagging and very disrespectful wives. Yes, he is wrong to beat you, but if this man were your child, refusing to accede to your authority and according you no respect deserving of your position as mother, what would you do?

Like your husband you would also be moved to use whatever means, including beating to get the child to submit to your authority.

To get a very balanced view of how your husband feels each time you insult, nag or disrespect him, mirror your children or a younger member of your family doing the same thing to you. The feelings of rage, pain and desire to hit at the person are precisely what your husband feels each time you give him the harsh side of your tongue.

That you are his wife doesn’t make the pain less. As a matter of fact, being his better half, your role in his life is to cloth him in the areas of his weakness in the secret of your room. In that place you can fight him, give him the other side of your tongue and still kiss him passionately in public without anybody knowing the struggle you both had gone through privately.

Marriage is about playing the fool most times to get what one wants. If he is not coming home, it is only because you are not giving him the incentives to come home to. Rather than endure your rudeness to the point of beating you, he would prefer to stay in the company that gives him the most joy. I sincerely hope you don’t push him into the waiting arms of a mistress because like all the other women who have made this mistake, getting him to come back to you may not be easy or achievable if a child comes in between them.

If you haven’t considered this, it would do you a world of good to begin to think along this line because by then it won’t just be violence you would be complaining about but his total refusal to even come home to you, or function even as part-time father to his children.

You may think you are currently indifferent to him as a person; wait until another woman threatens to take your place. It is then you would realise how important to you he is. So, don’t leave it too late for both of you to sit down to discuss as adults positive ways to go round your problem.

Sincerely, if you continue with your righteous approach to this issue, I fear nothing much may be achieved. You must first acknowledge your own contributions to the current development between you two. Stop focusing on the end result of what you failed to do from the beginning. I am sure, he didn’t start out by beating you. Something must have instigated this. Can you be honest to admit it has anything to do with your attitude?

Make a determination not to nag. After 15 years of marriage, experience ought to have taught about the necessity of changing your approach to issues. Learn to apply wisdom by refusing to behave typically. Even if he comes in with the determination to beat you, refuse to fall for his bait. Talk to him respectfully and importantly, give him his food on time, ask him about his day, give him time to cool off before approaching him with an issue, you are most likely to get a better response from him. Only a mad man would pounce on his wife without any reason to.

By the time he notices a remarkable difference in your behaviour, his attitude towards you would also change.

When it comes to saving a marriage from pain and collapse, pride and stubbornness should be buried.

Good luck.