My Marriage Is Threatened Over A 20-year-old Secret

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve an impending crisis that is staring my marriage in the face. Years ago, while in school, I got pregnant and due to the insistence of my parents, had the baby. But my mother later took pity on me and agreed to raise the child. Till date, my son stays with my parents and regards them as his biological parents instead of his grandparents.

Nobody has bothered to explain to him that I am his mother due to my insistence that things be kept the way they are. He sees me as his elder sister. 

I didn’t also bother to educate my husband when I met him. He, like others, assumed my son was my younger brother. We are blessed with three children of our own. Once when my parents called me to discuss the issue of me telling my son myself that I am his real mother, as well as inform my husband-to-be that I have a child shortly before my wedding, I pleaded with them to let things be for a while. I told them I needed time to think.

My son is now 20. He comes to my house to spend his holidays at the insistence of my parents. My parents are getting very advanced in age and are determined to settle this issue before they die. My mother is afraid that if she isn’t around to help the boy get over the shock of knowing he is their grandchild, he may never be able to forgive me. She is fearful the information may affect him negatively. She is also very apprehensive of the implication of this information on my marriage. 

She wants the whole thing settled before her death. She has actually given me a deadline of March ending to either tell my husband or she does it for me. 

Knowing my husband, the way I do, I doubt if he will ever forgive me because he is a very difficult man. I fear my marriage will not survive this. I have tried persuading my mother to let things be since nothing would be achieved by the truth coming out now. The boy thinks I am his sister, a situation I am comfortable with. I don’t want anything to happen to my marriage and children. Please help because right now I don’t know what to do.

Christy.

Dear Christy, 

Ask yourself this question, are you being fair to your first son and child? Doesn’t he have the same rights these other children have over your time, affection and considerations?

Was it his fault that you and his father slept together when you were least prepared for the challenges of having him? Why would you persist on parading your son as your brother? 

No matter the consequences of the truth coming out, it is high time you began to take responsibility of your actions and play your role in the life of this young man by confronting the shadows of your past. 

Your parents are right. They have the influence to water down considerably the negative effect of the truth coming out this late. 

Don’t think the truth will not come out someday. Your parents are the reason nobody in the family is saying anything and have continued to accept the boy as being part of the family. Sooner or later, someone would want to set the records straight, especially if the boy steps out of line. Don’t push your luck too far. Besides, there are others outside your family members, friends and colleagues who are also in the know. 

It would spell greater doom for you if your husband gets to find out from other sources about your child. If you think him difficult, wait until he finds out from people outside, then you will know what difficult means. 

Has it ever occurred to you that the father of this boy would one day walk back into your life to demand for his son? What would be your story then? How would you handle a child you haven’t even told the basic truth about his maternity, much less of his paternity? 

Not matter how difficult he is, the fact that you have spent some years together, built a joint history and have children together, are enough to make him want to listen to you later. Yes, like everyone whose spouse kept such a fundamental information from, he will initially get angry, betrayed, embarrassed and disappointed at what you did, but these feelings will eventually go away unless of course his years with you are bereft of any worthy memory. 

You have made a costly mistake once, denying your son by pretending he is your brother. Don’t make the mistake that would completely destroy everything for you. No matter how well mannered a child he is, the fact that you could look him in the eye all these years and address him as your brother, rather than a son, is enough to make this child reject you as a mother for life. 

You may think it doesn’t matter now and that things should be left as they are but you will later realise that it matters a whole lot. Apart from being your first son, he happens to be your first child, the leader of the team. No sensible mother divides her children; the consequences of having divided children are usually more fatal on the woman than the man. The reason being, a man isn’t the one blessed with the task of moulding the family. Your parents may have acted in gap for you all these years but they are not his parents. He remains your primary responsibility. You must establish a relationship with him that will see you playing a dependable role in his life as your parents are doing for you now. It would be a great disaster if after the deaths of your parents, this boy replaces you in his life with another person to act the role of his mother. You may not feel it now because you are young but when the age piles up, you will need the comfort of all your children.

Even if the choice is between your home and child, stand up for this boy for once. Stop rejecting him; give him the chance of knowing his siblings as his brothers and sisters and not as nephews or nieces. You have been very unfair to this young man.

Before telling your husband, invite your son to your parents and gently break the news to him. On your knees beg this young man for forgiveness. This is not the time to play mother but a naughty adult who needs forgiveness of an innocent soul.

Explain everything from the moment you met his father to the point your parents took him over and how each time you stopped out of fear to tell him the truth. Allow your parents take over the discussion from there. With all of you around, he will eventually come to terms with it.

Thereafter, get your husband’s closest confidant and open up to him or her. With the help of this friend, begin by begging for forgiveness. Tell him if he breaks up the marriage on account of what you are about to divulge you will understand but that you are appealing for understanding from the heart you love with everything inside of you. Also, blame your not informing him earlier on fear of losing him. These preambles are to prepare him for the very worse situation and also to help him cope with the shock of your news. 

It will for a while affect your relationship with your husband; when he gets snappy, irritated, understand he is going through a process and that with time, everything will return to normal. But the one thing you should never expect is an instant miracle from either your son or husband. Take each day as it comes.

But before you do this, commit the whole situation to the hands of God in whom we rest our destinies. Beg for forgiveness and tell Him to personally talk to your husband.

Good luck.

She Can’t Cook, Bad Home Manager, Lives On Pills To Be Childfree…

Dear Agatha,

What is the use of having a woman who doesn’t know how to cook my food properly? It is so bad that if I don’t go out, I give my mother or sisters money to make my food. I have tried to make her change but she is very adamant, preferring to do what she likes. 

She goes to fast food joints to buy food, garnish it for me to eat. Because I have stopped complaining as well as attempts to make her learn, she has started accusing me of having girlfriends. This prompted her to come to my office to disgrace one of my female colleagues she thought I was dating. But for the benevolence of my boss who has natural likeness and respect for me, I would have been sacked. He covered up the whole incident. Also my female colleague is a very matured mind, didn’t take offence at all. 

The same cannot be said of my neighbour she accused of trying to break her home. It was a real show of shame as this woman descended on my wife and gave her the beating of a lifetime. It became a Police matter prompting the landlord to give me quit notice.

I have complained to her parents who have severally tried to talk sense into her head. The father, a very forthright man, right in my presence heaped the entire blame on my mother-in-law that he indicted for not teaching her daughters the right things to do as a woman.

He has kept pleading with me to be patient and even suggested she goes for some cooking lessons. 

There are several things in the house she doesn’t know how to do. It is just that I have decided, for the sake of peace, to ignore these things. I have also deliberately kept my family out of this, because I know what my mother is capable of, if given the free reign, to interfere. 

But at every point, I kept meeting with disappointment. We have been married for two years with no child. One would have expected her to be the anxious one, but she isn’t. And because I didn’t want to get her worried I refused to dwell on the matter only for me to discover that my wife who should be worried is actually on birth control pills. When I discovered the pills where she hid them on the side of her wardrobe when I was looking for a wrapper to cover her up during the fight with my neighbour, she didn’t deny it, insisting she wasn’t ready to be a mother now. Shouldn’t I be informed over such an important matter? This has really shattered me and as well make me doubt her motive for marrying me. Would a woman in love with her husband be this callous and adamant?

Agatha, I don’t know what to make of all these. I am nearing my wits exhaustion in this marriage. I really don’t know if I still love her or not. 

Please help me because right now I feel like ending it all. Because of her peace seems to have deserted me completely. I don’t want to die before my time.

Gabriel.

Dear Gabriel, 

It is high time both of you sat down to talk, as husband and wife. One thing is for a woman not to know how to cook, another thing is for her not to want a child. 

You must know what her reasons are. At this point, the issues have gone beyond you quarrelling with her to you finding out what her reasons really are. It is obvious there are some very fundamental issues in this marriage both of you either neglected to discuss before you tied nuptials or glossed over. 

Had both of you discussed the issue of when to start a family, the decision wouldn’t have been hers to make alone. If you didn’t discuss it, don’t take offence, just allow the past be and thoroughly thrash out the issue once and for all. Because the issue of marriage is a very delicate one, one that needs all the patience and wisdom in the world to handle, don’t allow what she did to affect you in such a way that forgiveness would be difficult for you to offer her. There is no arguing the fact that her conduct digs up the issue of trust and love, but you must learn at this nascent stage that for any marriage to work, the issue of who is wrong and right must never be allowed to creep in. If you insist on seeing her as the one wrong in this matter and you, right, the issue of personal ego will obliterate the necessity for both of you to come to amicable agreement. 

It is only when the issue has been cordially resolved that you can jokingly and lovingly point her to the mistake she made, not with a view of reprimanding her, but of ensuring such mistake doesn’t come up again. Each day spent in marriage is a process of learning and new experiences. 

If anybody tells you his or her marriage is perfect, then the person is trying to deceive you. At every point in marriage, one person has to do more than the other to pull it out of the woods. It is called the will of sacrifice and selflessness. Marriage is what nobody teaches and since you have entered into it, just ensure you give all it requires to work even when all the indices are urging you to give it up. Whatever reasons you have for deciding that your mother should continue to cook for you could also be her reasons for continuing with the pills. No incident ever happens in isolation. Our actions and decisions are always interwoven especially in a relationship. Until you take the time out to find out, two seemingly unrelated events may end up being the cause of the other. All you have to do is to probe deeper.

On the issue of her inability to cook, part of the blame goes to you. Granted, her mother laid the foundation, but you ensure its completion. When both of you were dating, didn’t she attempt to cook for you? Did you ever complain about her inability to cook? Did you encourage both of you eating out? Did you ever try to teach her the kinds of food that appealed to you the most? When you discovered her inability to cook, what efforts did you put in the house to teach her before deciding that your mother continues cooking for you?

Obviously if you did anything, your efforts are obviously not enough to make her change. We can argue all we like that it is the woman’s place to cook, but the truth, not all women are gifted in that area. Some women are repulsed at the idea of going to the kitchen not to talk of cooking. If she happens to be one of those kinds of persons, there is little you can do to make her fall in love with the kitchen, especially if she grew up in a home where she got away with it.

To engage her, don’t condemn her; rather bribe her with something you know she likes as incentive to make her want to learn. Ask her what her best food is and get someone to teach you how to cook it. Buy the ingredients and get her to help you out in the kitchen while you attempt to cook it. Don’t mind people who will laugh at you or sneer at the way of resolving your marital issue. The truth is that when it comes to marriage, we all have to find out different ways of resolving conflicts. Having applied the general rule and failed, try another way until you achieve what you want, which is getting her interested in cooking. 

Going to your mother to cook for you isn’t right. And your mother is wrong to have accepted to do that. What she should have done is to offer to teach your wife how to cook for you. The fact that you are giving her or your sister money to cook should tell her that you are having a challenge with your wife. Encouraging you to give her money to cook is a subtle way of breaking your marriage even if you say you are doing your best to keep them off your marriage. That you are allowing her continue to cook your meals has given her every right to come into your marriage when she so desires. 

As for her jealousy, think back, did you at anytime give her reasons to suspect you and any of these women? Why these women? She must have seen something strangely familiar between you and these women to make her suspicious. Even if you are not doing anything with these women the fact that your mother cooks your meals is enough reason to make her suspect that her inability to cook is making you look elsewhere for quality food. 

When a woman has a deficiency in her life, she automatically assumes the man is searching for her placement in any woman she sees him with. Until you resolve the issue of her inability to cook, she will continue to suspect any woman close to you especially as you have contracted your mother to do your cooking. 

Above all, learn to pray and apply God given wisdom to secure your marriage.

Good luck. 

Met Her In Fellowship, But Won’t Love Without Cash Flow

Dear Agatha, 
I’m an ardent reader of your column. Please, help me.
Although I am the eldest child in the family, over 30 years of age, I find it difficult to woo a woman. Because of this, I haven’t found a woman of my choice. People, including members of my family are taunting me especially as my immediate younger brother is already married. This has expectedly increased pressure on me. 
Recently, I met a young lady, a relation of a good friend of mine, at a ChristianFellowship. I approached her for friendship and she accepted. We are from the same town. 

But I noticed that she is in the habit of demanding for funds to travel from her school to see me. Her attitude is putting me off. Frankly, her attitude has reduced the frequency I call her drastically. I want to marry in no distant time. I’m an introvert and still schooling. I want to discontinue this friendship. I love her but I haven’t known her well enough. Don’t get me wrong; I am not stingy.                                   
Not long ago, I met her again at a fellowship; but this time she scarcely talked to me. I noticed she had an expensive handset and that her manners have changed dramatically. She treated me with disdain.  I simply concluded her attitude is not unconnected with my inability to supply her with funds. I’m no more interested in her; I want nuptial happiness. Please, your advice is needed on how to get a good woman. 

Bernete. 

 Dear Bernete, 

If you are serious about having a woman in your life, learn to be a little bit more patient and accommodating. There are no perfect situations in life, but passionate determination to succeed at the things that matter most to one. If you have the concomitant resolve to make whatever relationship work, you will grow the necessary understanding as well as tolerance to make it work.

But before you do that, you must first of all get a clear idea of what you want as well as rid yourself of some of your excesses. You must first of all appreciate that unless you are willing to change, nobody will eagerly make the same sacrifices for you. To make a relationship work for you, ask yourself why you seem not to find any woman who appeals to you? Do you think it just a case of being shy or that of not being able to tolerate having another person share your space? There is a world of difference between being naturally shy and being irritated at the idea of anybody trying to share in your thoughts and space. Bearing in mind that nobody is an island and that we at every point in our life need another person to function as an entity, you must open your heart for the concomitant changes that come with having someone else in one’s life. 

Granted, this girl may after all lack the qualities required to make a man happy, but you have to be careful not to end up prejudging people even before you get enough opportunity to know them. 

It is also important that you don’t rush into a relationship at first meeting simply on account of you being under pressure to marry. That your younger brother is married is no excuse to rush into marriage with the first woman you meet. It doesn’t work that way. Bear in mind that your younger brother has his life to live while you have yours too. So don’t allow anybody to force you into a situation you are not psychologically prepared for.

To help you get a clearer picture of what is important to you, what precisely do you want in your woman, that quality you know can keep you happy forever, sufficient to see both of you through torrents, hammering winds as well as disturbing sound of silence when the impulse is to break everything up and walk away while one’s sanity is still intact? You get the quality right to develop the kind of tolerance, understanding and care to keep such a woman by your side. There is no way you will meet a girl, date her without her making one kind of demand or the other on you. It is the way of life, something you cannot change. To be irritated at a woman’s demand means you aren’t prepared to make the essential journey that men make. While nobody is saying it is right for a woman to place all her needs on the man, the man in her life must be ready to play some roles in her life to remain relevant to her. This you must never forget.  It is the way between men and women.

When you meet a girl, give yourselves the chance to be friends first before laying the burden of love and relationship on her. She must be free to relate with you as her friend, get to know you as one and develop the concomitant trust to hand over to you her life. Until a woman learns to trust the man in her life, the man will never get the best of her even if she tells him she is in love with him.  She has to see in you a friend, father, brother, uncle to accept you as her husband and lover. 

Good luck.

  

My Medical Study Hangs For Switching To Christianity

Dear Agatha, 

I am so happy that I have at last summoned courage to send you this e-mail. I am a medical student in one of the Northern based universities in Nigeria.

The problem I am about to share started while in secondary school, when I developed interest in Christianity. This was despite being from a very strict Islamic family with a father who wasn’t only an Islamic teacher, but also a very fanatical one ready to do anything in the interest of his religion. 

I sometimes sneaked to church when he wasn’t around or the coast sufficiently clear enough for me. 

Somehow he found out and I instantly became his number one enemy so much so he threatened to stop me from going to school and marrying me off to a man his age. 

Shortly after he found out the particular church I was sneaking to for service, it was gutted by a mysterious fire said to be an accident, yet I know who must have sent people to set the place ablaze. 

During my brief interactions with Christians, I leant something important: prayer is the key to solving all problems. 

Agatha, right now I’m so scared. I have come to cherish the freedom of Christianity where I really want to be. 

I have begged my father to allow me complete my programme, but he has given the condition that he would only agree to my request if I denounce my new faith and return to Islam.  He called me a disgrace to the family. Although I don’t want to go back, I have dreamt of becoming a surgeon. 

I am so confused. Do I commit suicide? Would I go to heaven if I take my own life? I need help, advice and encouragement from real Christians. Is this what it takes to became a Christian-so much suffering and emotional torture? I might not have the chance to read your advice on your page, that is why I am giving my number, 07055657904 and email alayuaminna@yahoo.com, just for your prayers because the pressure is to much on me now.           

I decided to share my own story and problem with you after I read about one Mr. Abdul sometime last year. I called him; he sounded so happy as told me his new life in Christianity is the best now. He told me to be strong that God will see me through. He also told me about who helped him. Beg I want to join the Christian family because that is where my heart belongs.

Amina.

Dear Amina, 

Suicide isn’t an option at all. As a matter of fact, it is counted as a sin by the laws of God and man. Under the law, it is counted as murder. You would be regarded by God and man for killing having murdered yourself. You didn’t create your life, hence has no right to terminate it. The decision to end one’s life is the decision of God, not yours. 

According to the Bible, when one takes his or her own life, he or she is intended for hell. Blood is very precious to God and taking it amounts to wasting a life God intended for something great and precious. 

Besides, only cowards take the easy way out by contemplating suicide. For you to have taken such a fundamental decision, it shows you are not a coward so don’t allow the reactions of anyone drive you into an option that would make you suffer the more in the world after. 

Being a medical student, you more than anyone else knows how precious blood is, so don’t be tempted to spill yours, no matter the provocation. 

It is the devil trying to fight back, you see things from this negative point of view to end the bright future God has in store for you. It is also to make your father and family put blames where they shouldn’t. Christianity isn’t a violent religion and would never support termination of one’s life as a panacea to any problem whatsoever. I am sure theQuran too doesn’t support suicide. 

In your interest as well as all those who love you, perish the thought immediately to end the temptation of wanting to do it. 

One basic and very important fact you must know about life is that every change comes with its own sets of challenges. While we all desire changes, it is one of the hardest things to accept. There is no change that comes without some forms of discomforts, sacrifices and conflicts. If you are fair to your father, in his’ shoes, you will definitely resist this kind of change you are trying to introduce into the family because it runs contrary to everything he is familiar with as well as he has known all his life. For this reason, you must apply a measure of wisdom because Christianity itself is anchored on wisdom, which is why Solomon remains the greatest King that lived. The book of Proverbs underscores the place of Wisdom in all that we do. 

Because you are trying to introduce something completely alien to his world as well as those of your family members, tread carefully. You have to find a way of courting his friendship and trust to have the required peace to practise your new religion. The Bible tells us to always honour our parents so that our days on earth can be long and fulfilled. This man remains your father, the authority God has placed you in his care. Until now, he was a good father to you so resist every attempt to be rude to him. Doing so will only antagonise you from Him, make you his enemy and deprive you of your rights in his hands. Your right is to be educated by him so don’t overtly aggravate the situation; sometimes it pays to play the fool for a greater goal. You are in your last year in the medical school; stopping now would make nonsense of all your efforts to get to your life-long goal of being a surgeon. It is what makes you unique, dream, hence the need to protect it with wisdom. 

Also being a girl, there is little you can do to withstand the combined force of your family who if pushed into a very tight corner by you may be forced to carry out their threat of marrying you off to this old man. Be realistic enough to know that culturally, your being a woman in such a hostile environment may not give you too many choices for now, so learn to be patient and tolerant of the reactions of your father and family. God may be using this period to prepare you for the tasks ahead because without sharpening yourself in the virtues of patience and tolerance, you may not last long in the new faith. There is no good process in life that doesn’t come with sacrifices. Do whatever you have to do to make him complete payment of your education as well as stop him from marrying you off. By the time you write your final examination, you are free to do what you like, because you would have the academic empowerment to be self-sufficient. 

Often than not, what we profess isn’t what makes us who we say we are; instead it is by the way we behave and respond to others. 

Religious is often a thing of the heart; a personal covenant between you and the God you serve. It doesn’t allow a third party interference because without you first encountering the God you serve in an awesome way, you will only be telling the story from another person’s point of view. Always have it at the back of your mind that you can effect a positive change in your family by your own attitude and firm control of your temperament. You must showcase at all times the quality and tenets of your new religion, respect and peace.

To have the right frame of mind to withstand the challenges of your decision, there is the need for you to examine your knowledge of the 

God you now serve. How much and well do you know him? Do you think He sees and knows everything happening to you and that He also has the authority and power to make things happen your way?

How far are you determined to trust Him and go with Him?

These are the things that will help you properly to situate your situation as well as point you at the right direction to go. 

The first place to begin is to pray and personally ask for His help. In doing this, be specific in your request. Ask God who authored the world and everything in it, including your father, to step into your home, the heart of your father to make this journey easy for you. 

I am sure like Abdul, you will get all the encouragement, support and advice you need to move on in your new faith. God remains your greatest anchor; so don’t ever stray from His side; no matter the challenges, pains and frustrations. 

Good luck. 

I’m Ignorant Of Free Days After Ovulation Period

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. 

I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship? Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it?

Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. 

People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.

Good luck. 

Any Merit For Sex In Relationship?

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship? Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it?

Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. 

The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. Good luck. 

People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. 

This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.

Should I Marry A Drug Addict?

Dear Agatha,

The blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ will continue to give you wisdom as you use it to touch the lives of so many people of God.

 I am a 22-year-old undergraduate student of the University of Nigeria, Nsukka.

 There is this man I met when I was in JSS 3. We are from the same village.  He is a businessman at Abuja. To my best knowledge, he loves me with all his heart and gives me all I require. He trained me from SS1 to the level I am now.

The challenges I am facing with him are numerous. Apart from being hot tempered, he doesn’t know God and smokes Indian hemp. Until I saw a butt of Indian hemp wrap under his bed, he has always denied smoking the weed.  

My several attempts to convert him to God have kept creating problems for us. We have a secret covenant that, no matter what, we will remain for each other   He swears to kill me if I ever leave him for another man. When he notices that some suitors were coming, he went to my dad warning him not to give me to any one else he will kill himself and me. He angrily fixed our traditional wedding for Sunday, May 2 this year. I am very confused because many suitors are seeking my hand in marriage but I am afraid, I don’t want to die. 
Should I proceed with the traditional wedding? I don’t know what to do. Guide me, please. 

Ada.

Dear Ada, 

He who comes to equity must come with clean hands. At what point did you notice all these faults in him? Is it now that you are almost graduating with the prospects of a better life than you ever hoped for? When other men who ordinarily wouldn’t have taken notice of you had you stopped your education at the secondary level are now coming for your hand in marriage?

How come you didn’t notice his temper, hemp smoking habit and his lack of closeness to God all these while? While you can claim not to know about his addiction to the weed; there is no way you can claim ignorance about his relationship with God as well as his temper. 

To be candid, you would appear an ingrate if you left this man to marry another man after training you from SSS 1 to the university level. 

Sincerely this is the time for you to be honest about what you really feel for this man. What in the first place made you agree to go out with him and also marry him? Was it love for his person or the quality of his pocket? Would you have stayed with him for that length of time if he wasn’t investing in you financially, paying your fees and picking up your other bills? Beyond the reasons you have given for wanting to balk at your earlier agreement to marry him, what is the real reason? If you are honest enough to admit it to yourself without looking for an excuse to quit, you will be able to make the right decisions. 

The truth is, no matter how much logic is put into making you honour your promise with this man, unless you are willing to, there is nothing anybody can do to make you stay in the relationship. Honestly, it appears you are looking for an excuse to dump this man for someone else and even if he changes from the person you say he is to another person, you will keep finding faults to fulfil your present fantasy.

Perhaps you need time to be alone; to critically appraise what you want for life. Irrespective of the justification of what you are about to do, unless you are prepared to go along with the plans, it won’t work. This man would need your co-operation to be happy in the marriage. For this reason, you must take time off to be alone to properly study your feelings for this man with a view of mapping out the way you think is best for you. 

When you confronted him with the wrapped hemp, what were his reactions? Did he apologise or bluffed his way through? How do you present the case of your dislikes to him? In anger or humility? How have you been trying to convert him? To change someone from a particular way to another way isn’t usually done by force or decree. A lot of your examples must come from your own attitudes and reasoning. You have to provide him with the evidence of positive changes waiting for him through your own behaviour. If you nag, there is no way he would be compelled to come over to your side of the world. You must ensure you reflect the attitude of Jesus Christ in everything you do to lead him all right. Religion is more about faith in the things we don’t see than in what we see. He has to feel something extra special in your person to follow you to Christ. This kind of change too comes from prayers. You have to learn to stand in gap for him through prayers and fasting to get through to his heart. 

However, you should be guided by fairness and sincerity for you to be happy with what you end up with. One thing is clear, this man must feel something appreciable for you to have taken the risk to train you through senior secondary school and the university. You aren’t his responsibility and he has no reason to have done what he did if his intentions for you weren’t honourable. Whatever you do, always remember this. 

If your decision is to leave him on account of his dependence on hemp, be bold and honest to say so.  

Whatever decision you take, ensure it is the truth because that is what would save you from whatever repercussions that follow a wrongly motivated decision.

Good luck. 

My Wife Is Only Good In Bed

Dear Agatha, 

Are all marriages like mine? My marriage is just three years old and already I am fed up and want to call it quits. It has been hell on earth for me.

I simply can’t reconcile the woman who today lives in my house with the same woman I married three years ago. They are worlds apart. The one I married was docile, hardly able to say anything in her defense, always willing to do anything to please me while the woman who today stays in my house is a monster, ready to devour at the slightest opportunity, very aggressive and rude. 

In addition, she is lazy, aggressive, dirty, uncultured and a lousy cook. The only place she excels is in the bedroom. 

Because I married very late, 38, I have done everything to overlook all her excesses but nothing seems to be working and she is getting worse each day. Can you imagine since giving birth to our son, she has refused to resume or engage in any kind of business? Despite being able to afford the luxury of picking up all the bills of my family, I never bargained for a fulltime housewife. I am one of those men who believe that a woman should be engaged in one kind of business or the other. What is the essence of a woman’s education if she is going to waste it as a fulltime housewife? 

I have offered to set her up in business to ensure she has her own money because life is full of the unexpected. Once I asked her what she would do if something terrible happens to me, she told me without batting her eyelid, that she would simply look for another man with enough money to care for her and marry.

When I asked what would happen to the children, she said, she would pass them over to my siblings as she has no intentions of foisting them on another man.

I didn’t say anything but kept quiet as a result of shock and anger. Beyond these feelings, I also gained something important; to invest separately for the children we plan to have together. I immediately changed my documents to reflect my son as being my next of kin as well as transferred all the property I have to my son.

Even though we have a maid, I expect my meals to be made by her, especially as she is always at home. I expect her to also wash my underwear. The maid not only does these things but also washes her own underwear, including her menstrual pants. I didn’t know how bad her laziness was until recently when the maid came into our bathroom to collect the dirty clothes including the bloodstained pants she left in the wash hand basin. 

I had to personally retrieve them from the maid who told me she didn’t mind since it wasn’t the first time she would be made to wash my wife’s blood stained pants. I felt humiliated! When I questioned her on why she would allow the maid wash her blood stained pants, she not only told me it wasn’t any business of mine but also accused me of supporting the maid to disrespect her position as the woman of the house. 

Agatha, I can go on and on. Any attempt to correct her brings problems between us. These days, I derive more joy staying out with my friends. I have been resisting getting involved in an extra marital affair but her attitude is pushing me towards it. I prayed for a peaceful home, caring and understanding wife but I don’t know how I managed to end up with this monster.

I really do not know what I expect from you but writing you is my way of unburdening myself of this sad story which only closest friends and my elder sister are aware of. I am afraid of letting go of my temper. I really don’t want to do anything I might regret later, especially as I have a son to think of. 

Agonizing Husband. 

Dear Agonizing Husband, 

There is no perfect marriage but undiluted passion to make it work at all cost. Many women are like your wife, with razor sharp tongue that can slice through a rock. It is the nature of women to sometimes talk and act without thinking of the consequences or implications of their actions. Taking what she said too serious may make you begin to impute secondary reasons to her behaviour or come to conclusions far different from what she had in mind when she made those statements. So it is always best you don’t even begin to attempt the interpretations for the sake of not only your sanity but the well-being of the marriage.

Most men too have learnt to ignore such women by taking no notice of those things women say when angry or in one of their many inexplicable moods. This is because those men who have ignorantly taken to heart these words women utter when angry end up taking decisions they later come to regret. Move closer to older men, the ones with the experiences of dealing with women for a long time and they will tell you that any man who wants to live long and be happy in life must learn to accommodate very early in his married life the unexpected nature of the woman. 

Trust me, overtime you will develop the thick skin to cope with her acidic tongue. It is the only way to render her poisonous venom ineffective. When a man develops the wisdom to either walk away or ignore a rampaging woman, spoiling for a fight, she deflates.

She could even get angrier for being ignored but after a while, especially when the children start coming, she would learn to curb her utterances for her not to lose the support and respect of her children. If there is something a majority of women secretly fear it is the reproof of their children. Women like having their children on their side so are always careful of what they say or do to their husbands when these children are growing up.

You can bet that over time, she would learn to be more diplomatic in her attitude towards you. 

As for her other irritating habits, changing her would require extra patience on your side. There is no situation in life which patience and tolerance cannot defeat. Sometimes this may bother on stupidity but when one has the passion for something no price is too much to pay for it. 

Devote time to teaching her how you want things to be around you. Some weekends that you have the time, get up and lead the way on how you think the house should be kept clean. Stop the house-help from washing your underwear or hers for that matter. By learning to do it yourself in her presence would motivate her after a while to do it herself. There are some situations, shouting, quarrelling and hot exchange of words would not change but which a seeming stupid act of patience can achieve effortlessly. It is not her duty alone to make the marriage work. You also have a major role at filling the gaps in areas you have noticed some weakness or cracks. 

Your duty as the man goes beyond pointing out her faults. What about yours? Like her, you also have yours. It would be beneficial to both of you if you sat her down to talk about your own faults as well as the real reasons she changed from the loving lady to the monster in your home now. 

The change is too dramatic not to have a strong reason. You may not know how much your attitude influenced this change but asking her would help you know as well as the areas to make amends. 

Do whatever it takes to make this marriage work because out there are more dangerous and worse women. 

As for her refusal to work, let her be, especially if you both didn’t discuss it before getting married. She may just be one of those women who simply don’t like to work. Someone people are like that. To them being a wife and mother is enough for them; insisting she does anything else may break your home. Just make sure you invest wisely to insure the future of the children.

Whatever happens, be determined to make it work. I am sure there are days you feel really happy with her; not all these three years are made up of bad memories. Since you have a good love life, it is a starting point for both of you to re-position your marriage.

Don’t forget the power of prayer. Always pray for God’s wisdom and patience when things are really bad. With time, things will work out if only you are both willing to learn from all that is happening to your marriage. There is always a lesson somewhere in whatever happens to us in life.

Good luck.

At 25, Friends Think I’m Odd Coping With Girl

Dear Agatha,

I want to commend you on the good work you are doing. Indeed, you are God sent!

I met a girl I liked in school during my re-sit exams and we became friends, but have both graduated now. During the association, I realised I wasn’t emotionally matured at 25, but decided to wait until I resolved the problem before stepping-up the friendship. I feel miserable about it though we are still friends. Please what do I do? I am uncomfortable even with the few male and female friends I have, as some of them think I’m ignorant.

Also, I’m confused about making my choice of a career between becoming a lawyer and a doctor. I want to become what God has destined me to be and to be happy in life but don’t know how to discern God’s voice in this situation.

Chiedu.

Dear Chiedu, 

The first step to success in life is to learn to accept the person you are. Don’t ever apologise to anybody for who you are. God in His all-knowing wisdom has a reason for making you the way you are. To apologise or allow yourself to be affected by what others think about you is to question the supremacy of God in all things. 

Resist the temptation of seeing yourself in the eyes of others or attempts by others to put you down. Everybody can’t be outgoing type. As long as your peculiarity doesn’t bother on wickedness, you must always keep a part of you, because that is what makes you unique and appealing to those who love you. 

There is no way you can have a mass appeal, not even those who are outgoing have that kind of support. There will always be people who think you are odd or don’t fit into their kind of persons. To be bothered about the opinion of these kinds of people is to waste valuable time on issues that will not add value to your life. 

The secret to dealing with this kind of situation is to look for people whose minds are broad enough to appreciate the uniqueness embedded in every man. These are the kinds of people who can help you grow and also give you the space to be yourself. 

You don’t need a large wagon of friends to make the difference in life. Friendship is more about quality than quantity. Friends don’t criticise each other, they protect. Anyone who thinks you are odd isn’t a friend. Do away with that person to avoid regrets. 

You are specifically made to the glory of His name, so liberate your mind from whatever anybody thinks and relax, because life is too short to dwell on issues that are not positively inspire. What is important now is to go closer to God to find out His purpose for you so you can dedicate the rest of your life, pleasing Him. Believe me it is the only way to tap into His fountain of unlimited supplies and mercies.

It is also important too that you keep this in mind; being ignorant isn’t a crime but to be stupid is. Some people think they have all the answers only to find out later that they have been stupid all along. 

As for the girl, since you are already friends, why not fill her in on your feelings for her? At 25, you are not too young to have a relationship as long as you know the things that are important to you. Let her know you have a goal and would at all times need her support to achieve it. Telling her about your plans, as well as the things you want to avoid now in the relationship will go a long way in helping you both gauge your levels of compatibility, friendship and perseverance. Don’t forget that the success of the future you plan would depend on you having the right kind of woman by your side, hence absolutely important to any man to factor his kind of woman into his future plan. It is often a huge mistake, one many men make ignorantly to plan first before looking for the woman to spend the rest of their lives with. The right woman should form the foundation of whatever it is you are hoping to achieve later in life because the wrong kind of woman could make nonsense of everything. 

What subjects are you best at? Are you a science or arts student? Are you good in all the subjects? Deep down, what is your passion? Do you get chilled at the sight of blood or think it is exciting to see how the human body and organs work well? Are you enthralled like I once was by the wig and solemnity of the bar? God gave each of us our unique talent. If you devote more time to studying who you are, and you will know which of the professions would give you the best fulfillment. However, it always help to go back to God in prayers so that your profession would become your hobby, something you simply cannot stop doing, because of the amount of joy you get from it. 

Good luck.