Our sex life died when my husband got born again

Dear Agatha, 

Thanks for the advice you usually dole out to people, may God continue to grant you wisdom. Please help me before it is too late.
I am in my mid 30s and got married seven years ago to a wonderful friend of mine. We actually dated for two and a half years before getting married. We have a son. At the time we got married, none of us was born again as we had very active pre-marital sex life which we both claimed we cannot get elsewhere since we both had relationships before providence brought us together. 

About two years into our marital life, my husband became born again, months later I had no choice but to follow suit. We both became active in the church, serving on different committees. We became a reference point in the church as we became the epitome of what the ideal couple should be.
Unfortunately, the same thing cannot be said of us in our private life. Since becoming a born again Christian, my husband refuses to perform his duties to me as before. Initially we made love everyday and only went on break when I am having my period. We also experimented with different positions it was good and nice. After his new found faith, my husband does not care about me any longer, he believes there are better things to do than sleep with me.

 I am lucky if he agrees to make love to me once a month even at that I would have to cajole and cry before this and during the act he would say I should not hold him and he prefers a particular position where I can never achieve orgasm.

Agatha, of what use is sex if I cannot enjoy it? I believe in the sanctity of marriage and the faithfulness of the parties concerned. But I am dying in silence, I am not a nymphomaniac but I believe I should derive maximum satisfaction from my husband. St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians in I Corinthians 7:3-5 concerns intimacy between couples and how it should not be denied but this has not changed my husband’s attitude. 

Right now he has not made love to me in six months! He believes he has a calling and that sex will be a huge distraction to him. He is becoming so selfish and doesn’t care about my feelings. I am scared of reporting this to the pastor because I believe this is personal and then how will people look at us in church again? I had to re-establish communication with an ex-boyfriend but I am scared of doing this because of the repercussions. Please Agatha, help me before I do something bad to myself.

Lizzy.

Dear Lizzy, 

This is a very serious matter that requires utmost wisdom and caution to save your marriage from collapse. There is no way you can on your own resolve this problem without getting help from the people who are experienced in marriage and the ministry. 

You need the help of your pastor to get through to him, to remind him of the importance of his marriage to his ministry. Don’t be ashamed to seek for the help from those in the best position to educate him because it is your right to enjoy your husband and marriage. 

If you continue to depend on your wisdom, with the extent he has gone, you may not be able to get him to listen to your reason or get him to appreciate the loneliness crowding you. For this reason, you must act quickly before you are tempted to do something you cannot tell the pastor or his wife. Begin with the wife because as a woman, she may be in the best position to appreciate what you are going through. One-on-one, express your fears and the challenges you are going through, including the fact that you are on the verge of having an extramarital affair with your ex. At this junction, don’t be shy to own up to the challenges you are facing in your home. We all need help from time to time to make things work in our homes and lives. 

Once the pastor and his wife are involved, it would be their duty to use the appropriate words of God to remind your husband of his duties to you and point him to the danger both to his image and ministry of having a broken home. Sincerely, it is not your voice or those of his family members he now considers spiritually inferior to his newfound faith that he needs. 

He needs the voice of those he has now formed confraternity with to educate him on the danger of leaving a full-bodied woman used to constant sex fallow.  

You also need the help of the marriage counsellor in the church to tutor on the place of sex in marriage, as well as the naked fact that God gave it as a special gift to married couples not just to procreate but to help them relax, bond, communicate and appreciate the values of being together. 

He has to stop seeing sex as being dirty but something God gave to mankind to enjoy within the bonds of marriage; that having sex in a marriage isn’t a sin hence he should not feel guilty at expressing himself in intimacy with his wife.

However, if the orientation of the church is such that sees sex as functional only for the purpose of procreation and not for recreation between a couple, in addition to prayers, you can also get books written by renowned religious leaders on the place of sex in the marriage. 

Spiritually, you need to resist this moment because a lot of times, the devil uses the things we are weak at to prevent the designs of God in our lives. There is no contesting the fact that your problem started even before your husband joined the church. 

From your letter, it is also obvious both of you didn’t cultivate the culture of discussing your desires before taking the decision to execute. He changed church without seeking your opinion while you followed to please him. 

By right, it is an issue both of you should have agreed on because the tenets of marriage demand that a couple must be in agreement on everything. You should have demanded at that point for his reason as well as his focus. Marriage isn’t just about having good sex, it is a combination of everything. You made the costly mistake of premising everything about you marriage on sex so much so you didn’t even give yourself a chance to study the behaviour and mindset of the man you were married to. 

As long as he was ready to satisfy your sexual urges you were happy to allow him the freedom to fly. In a way you unwittingly nurtured him not to consult you on anything, take decisions on your behalf and implement without recourse to your person. His attitude really has nothing to do with him changing church but simply a demonstration of who he really is, the person you previously ignored. You two didn’t grow friendship because you were too involved in the sexual aspect of your union. The consequence is that you both don’t have anything to fall back on, to pull you out of this abyss your relationship is going into.

Because his habit is formed and beyond what you can do on your own, there is also the need to commit this side of him to God in prayers. By not blaming the church and instead focusing on your own contributions to the problem you have on hand, your prayer point would be easier to define. 

Don’t for the sake of your children and essentially for your own peace of mind, do anything to compromise your marriage. There is hardly any marriage that is free of challenges; if nothing, be grateful that you are not losing him to another woman. It could have been worse if he is rejecting you for another woman in his life. 

No matter how frustrating for you, you shouldn’t have re-established contact with your ex. You didn’t act right; besides, it makes you appear too desperate to have sex without caring about the consequences. 

While your husband is wrong to have abandoned his responsibilities to you, it is also wrong for you to be overtly desperate for sex. If your husband were away for a year on a course abroad, won’t you cope? If you were caught the focus would remove from what pushed you into it but to you betraying your husband. Hard as it is for you, good judgment demands you put a strong restrain on yourself.

Frankly, this is when you need God the most, as well as learn to train yourself for the challenges of marriage. It isn’t every time we get what we want from our spouses. Marriage is learning about sacrifices, as well as adjusting to the demands of the moment. You have to be ready to key into his vision for him to understand what you are going through as a woman. Don’t worry, God will help make it right for you provided you are ready to rely on Him completely. 

Good luck.

My foreign wife laments I married her to facilitate my papers…

Dear Agatha,

I feel comfortable with the way you help people solve their problems. I have been reading your wise advice through the internet.

I am from Anambra State but work and live in Europe. I am married to a white woman and we have a son. Our marriage is nearly three years old now. 

My problem is that sometimes this woman feels I married her because of documents. Deep down I married her because I love her, and I know she loves me too. But she often says I married her because of document and this makes me feel very bad each time she mentions this. I don’t know if to continue with her? I am worried because I really love her

Chibuzor.

Dear Chibuzor,

The onus is on you to prove your love for her and dispel any doubts she may have regarding your reasons for marrying her. Something in your past or from the experiences of people around her could have given birth to this feeling. It could also come from the company you keep. If your friends are touting the fact that they married their wives to facilitate their documents, nothing you say to the contrary would assure her of your true love for her. 

Sincerely you cannot blame her since it is becoming the norm for black men to marry white women for the reasons of easing their stay abroad. 

However that is not to say you shouldn’t go out of your way to prove your love for her. 

The first thing is to sit her down to explain your pains and disappointments at her line of thoughts. At this junction an honest approach is all that you need. Go back to your roots, the reasons you came and if you ever harboured the idea of using a white woman to make things easy for you out there, be brave enough to tell her. This is to help her understand where you are coming from as well as to make her appreciate what you really feel for her.

It would also make things clearer to her to share your childhood fantasies of the kind of woman you have always wanted in your life. Draw attention to the essentials, the qualities you have always desired in the woman of your choice.

Follow this with a thorough explanation of what you felt when you met her and how deep she affects you in different and unique ways. Boast about her virtues, the kinds you recognise in the woman of your dreams, and the kind no other woman you have met has gives her the edge. 

Be bold enough to tell her that she reserves the right to believe you or not, but what you are telling her is the truth and that if she doesn’t trust you after being together for almost three years, it is very unfortunate. 

To underscore your disappointment, inform her of your intentions to end the marriage on account of lack of trust on her part. 

Again, lay bare to her what your thoughts are on an ideal marriage and how you cherish that above every other thing. 

Hearing and seeing you talk about it as frankly as you can, will help her to be conscious of the dangers ahead to her marriage to you if she continues to harbour such feelings against you. 

In addition you also have to ask where the thoughts are coming from to enable you block it effectively. 

Ending the marriage isn’t a solution rather it is a complication because rather than erase the impression of you she has it will further fuel her suspicions of you. The fact that you both have a child between the two of you should make you in particular tread carefully. 

Circumstances and situation have put on you the onus to verify your claims of being in love with her. Rather than feeling that you are let down by her doubts, try to understand where she is coming from. Everybody wants to be loved for themselves not what you have to offer. She loves you enough to want you to love her for who she is not because she is providing security for you to stay in her country. Her feelings though irritating to you are very real for her. To dismiss them would be to destroy the one thing that makes her happy as a woman. 

She wants to be able to look at her son and say he came out of a deep love and respect not from a selfishly motivated union by the father. For a woman, such sentiments are what give her and her child the sense of security she needs to be happy with her husband. That she is voicing it out shows that she cares about you in more ways than you know. 

Woo her with everything you have as a man including showering her with affections even in public places. Send her romantic text messages, flowers, chocolates, romantic nights out for just the two of you, perfumes, compliments on her looks and when you can afford it bring her to the country to know your people and culture. It takes very little effort to get most women to trust in their husbands and fall in love with them all over again. 

Everywoman wants to know she is very important to her husband and that when not with her he is thinking of her. There is no way she would ever doubt your reasons for marrying her if you let her know through words and actions that she is constantly in your mind. 

Finally, learn to pray by not relegating the God that brought both of you together to the background in your home. 

Good luck.

She wants me after her lover relocated

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the good and marvelous work that you have being doing in helping people out of their problems.                            

I am 18 years of age and have just finished my secondary school education, waiting for my results. There is this girl, three years older than I am who has been asking me out. According to her, she is in love with me. She knows that I lack nothing to give her, but insists she wants me. 

Aware she has a boyfriend, I asked after him. She said he has relocated to Owerri and that is why she wants me since she cannot wait for him. Bothered about her statement, I asked if she would also dump me if I gained admission outside where we both stay. She didn’t answer. When I also asked what would happen should the boy come back she didn’t also answer. However my message box is flooding with love texts from her. Please Agatha what should I do before I get on the wrong lane? 

Ndu.

Dear Ndu, 

Candidly, you don’t have the experience to deal with this kind of lady. She is ways above you, so run while you can else you will not only have your fingers burnt, but also your heart shattered. 

What she is offering you isn’t love, but an adventure into the world of pains and disappointment. Concentrate on getting a school where you will meet the right girls. 

Any girl who will dump her man on account of him relocating to another part of the country cannot be counted on to be faithful to any man. Like you rightly observed, there is nothing that says she won’t also leave you when you are not available around her. 

Relationship is about endurance and perseverance. A woman, who isn’t ready to persevere in a situation isn’t ready for a relationship. It is also about trust and sacrifices. The boyfriend who is away expects loyalty from her, wants to depend on his woman’s support and grow the confidence that no matter what happens to him she would always be there for him.  Leaving him on account of him being away to follow you falls short of what is expected of her and a decent woman. What if they were married and he has reason to travel without her for a while, will she go outside her marriage to have an affair? Responsibility to one’s partner doesn’t begin on the day one goes into a relationship, it is what everybody should train himself or herself to do from day one of having a relationship. 

There are no guarantees she won’t also leave you for another man or that she would be faithful to you when her other boyfriend comes back. 

At 18, your major challenge now should be how to improve on your life, getting the right kind of education and equipping yourself for the challenges ahead as a man. There are season attached to everything we do on earth. When it is the time for you to be serious with women, God will bring the right kind of woman who would support you to succeed in life your way.

Good luck. 

My passion wanes due to her zero-education

Dear Agatha,

Peace of God will be with you and your family always.  You once helped my friend out of a very difficult situation. Thanks and please keep the good job going.  I have a girlfriend that I love so much. She is the mother of my daughter though we are not yet married. She is full of respect for me, so nice and epitomises everything I want in my woman. 

But the challenge I am facing with her has to do with her low level of education. She can’t read and write, not even her name. For fear of not knowing where to start, she doesn’t want to go back to school. My problem is that all my friends are married to well read women. I haven’t told her I will marry her, despite being the mother of my child.  She is however hopeful that I will marry her. I also nurtured the hope. But I keep thinking it may be a problem in time to come, and I don’t want to have children from two women. Please help me.

Worried Kenneth.

Dear Worried Kenneth, 

A woman doesn’t need a university degree to make a good wife or mother. What she needs is the right attitude to make the difference in her home and life.

That your friends are all married to well read women doesn’t mean they would have happier home than you. The golden rule of life, the thing that makes it workable is contentment. There is nothing you can achieve in life without learning to be contented with the choices before you. 

Granted, education is important, especially in today’s high-powered technological world, but it cannot guarantee happiness. 

This comes from the heart, not governed by letters, figures, but from very primeval emotions that defy even the best of scientific experiments. Its chemical composition is unknown which makes it impossible for anybody, but those in it to accurately gauge. 

You slept and had a child with this woman knowing she cannot read and write. Does her lack of education in any way affects the way she responds to you in intimacy or the quality of the child she gave to you? The heart isn’t literate and the language of love has its own patterned writings and images to stimulate it to knowledge.

What you should do is to search through your mind. Does she meet all your requirements in a woman? How much happiness has she been able to give you since meeting her? Has her lack of education affected you in anyway?  When it comes to the issue of marriage, a lot of attention should be given to those aspects that appear very unimportant at the beginning. Look at this lady dispassionately, on a scale of 1-10, how would you score her. Be objective. I am sure she isn’t the first woman you have dated. Like your friends you must have gone out with very educated women for you to have left them for this woman, going as far as having a baby with her shows she has some uncommon features you are yet to appreciate on account of her zero education. 

Look beyond her no-education status to the real substance in her. If what is in the package is valuable, you both can always find a way of getting through the other things as long as you are friends and willing to make it work.  If she is unwilling to go to a formal school, you can get her a private teacher that would come to the house to teach her to read and write. She doesn’t have to go to a formal classroom to get it. Right in the comfort of her home, you can transform her from a stark illiterate to a literate woman. What counts is her ability to communicate in efficient English as well as write it. She can write her General Certificate Examinations from home as well as other correspondence courses. Once there is a will there is always a way. 

Good luck. 

Hints on successful relationship please…

Dear Agatha,

I am 30years old from Edo State. I have encountered a lot of disappointments and pains in my relationships, all ended painfully. Thank goodness, I am currently in a very sweet relationship, which I am praying should end in marriage.

Big sister, please give me tips to make it work.

Tonia.

Dear Tonia, 

Having suffered disappointments and pains in all your previous relationships, begin by going down memory lane to evaluate your own mistakes and faults in all these relationships. When a problem becomes perennial in one’s relationships, it signposts a problem with the person rather than with the persons he or she have been having relationships with.

There is no way all these men would inflict pains on you if you aren’t contributing actively to the reasons for their attitude and treatment of you. There is no smoke without fire. By x-raying yourself as honestly as you can, you set the part for a new life for yourself. 

Nothing much is achieved in life when we bulk-pass the reasons for our failures, actions or inactions to others. A mind willing to heal must at all times be bold enough to accept his or her own faults as well as guilt. 

You are who you are on account of the character your have. By searching through your personal and natural archives, a new you would emerge, the one ready to do away with certain areas of her life and adopt new attitudes that would help her along life’s many hurdles. 

The next step is to accept your own limitations as a human being. This way, it would be easier to appreciate the limits of your partner, thereby helping you to understand many things you nagged or couldn’t tolerate in the past. Many a time, we criticise the very things we are guilty of in other people. 

Once you have the needed understanding, you will also be appreciative of every effort put into the relationship by your partner. Learning to say thank you instead of always criticising everything your mate does, goes a long way in healing and building the foundation of a growing relationship. 

Be honest about who you are to avoid disappointment in your current relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear of being left on the shelf endure a situation you know you cannot sustain. Much as it pays to be patient and understanding, if you find a situation absolutely unbearable, say so because that is the least you can go. We all have our maximum and lowest level. Once you get to the lowest level, pretending the situation is all right would only lead to pains for both of you. 

Your partner won’t blame you for having your limits, which is a natural thing but would feel bad and think twice about the whole thing if you elect to fight over it. 

Also make up your mind to make sacrifices for him and the relationship. There is nothing in life that is achieved without some forms of sacrifice. You must be ready at all times to give up on certain things in the interest of the relationship. 

You must also realise that a relationship is not an equal gender thing. Someone has to be in charge for the boat not to sink. Respect the natural order of things by allowing your partner the headship of the family. Being the man, it is his right to be in charge. Therefore give him the respect his position and person deserves at every point. Sometimes, it may not be as easy as other times, however once you prepare yourself to, no matter what he does or says, it will be easy to accord him his due respect. Respect is reciprocal. There is no way any man would respect a woman who doesn’t even recognise him as the head.

Make him your best friend. For any relationship to last, the couple must be friends. It is imperative to making a relationship work well. There are certain things love cannot forgive or mend which true friendship can do effectively. When the imperfection of friendship mingles with the perfection of love, it lays the ground for a couple to endure turbulences in the relationship. 

Friendship enables the couple to communicate freely, laugh with and at each other. It also helps the couple forgive and forget issues, which in other relationships could destroy it completely. Friendship is what lasts forever in a relationship, not the sex or love we all profess at the beginning of the relationship. Knowing this would go a long way in helping build into your relationship from the beginning the right values.

As a woman, you should know how to take care of your man and home. Don’t ever make the mistake of consigning his food to the maid, your or his siblings. No matter how busy your schedule is, don’t be too busy to cook for him and care for his personal effect. There are a lot of women out there but only few qualify as wife material. Don’t ever allow distance or official workload prevent you from communicating with him. You have to make yourself relevant to him whether with him or not. He has to know when you are not around him that he is missing something and this is only possible not by sex but by the little things you do for him or words of encouragement you give him when down and out.

Also don’t ever make the mistake of nagging him or showing him that you don’t trust him. A lot of time, suspicions on the part of women make them nag. Even when you have reasons to suspect him, you don’t achieve results by nagging. Playing down on the immediate reason would help you focus on how best to navigate and get him back on track. Disentangling a man involved with another woman requires wisdom and prayers. A lot of women that tried to use force found out that they lost out completely. Nagging breeds stubbornness in men. Once another woman is involved the best approach remains being loving and cool headed.

No man also likes his orders disobeyed. Therefore learn to be humble, even when you have reasons to raise objections at what he is saying. No matter how irritated you are by his attitude, don’t ever in the presence of an audience counter him or point him at his fault. From this early, learn to personalise your relationship. The less people know about what is happening between you and your partner the best for you both. Third party interventions sometimes destroy what could have been a perfect union. So be careful whom you share your thoughts and incidents in your relationship with.

Finally, be prayerful and depend on God. Everywoman who desires a stable home must be ready to depend absolutely on God always.

Good luck. 

My white wife bears no child, so…

Dear Agatha, 

I have a good friend.  She is white, 42-year-old.  Our relationship is four years old. I actually married her in Nigeria before I was given visa to live with her in this country. I met her when I travelled to another country abroad and got married to her when she came for a visit in Nigeria.

She is like a mother to me, takes good care of me; provides for me. But the problem now is that I want a child of my own. She has a grown son, who is my very good friend. Being the only son in my family, my father advised me to marry a black girl before travelling to be with this woman. This I did. I really love this white woman for her care, but not enough to live with her forever. Now my wife in Nigeria has delivered a baby girl. And I would love to be with them. My desire is to live with my wife and children happily without any interference from anybody. I really don’t like the white woman because she cannot give me babies. Besides she is older than I do. Agatha, how do I end the relationship so that I can be with my family? Please help me.      

Divine.

Dear Divine, 

At what point did you realise that you cannot live with this woman forever? When did you notice she is too old for you and unproductive? Is it at the point you married her in Nigeria or at the point you discovered that you have saved enough from her kindheartedness to set up something for yourself and family in Nigeria?

Didn’t you know the rules and implications of being with an older woman or didn’t your father know that she was white and would not be favourable to bearing children when he encouraged you to marry her and travel to be with her?

Sincerely, you are not being fair to this woman. It would have been a different case if she had lied to you about herself, but you knew what the scores were and you still went into it. 

White and older than you or not, in the eyes of God and the laws of our land, she is your wife while this woman who gave birth to your child is regarded as mistress. Under the laws of our land, if you take another wife while you are still legally married to this other woman, it would be termed as bigamy to take any other woman as wife. If this woman does anything to hurt you, she would be within her right, because what you have done is not only to defraud her emotionally but financially too. You knew from the beginning, what your agenda was, yet you led her into trusting you by marrying her, so she can care and provide for you. Now that you have had enough of her, you suddenly remember she is too old and cannot give you a child. In her shoes, how would you feel if after investing your all and all in a woman she makes a u-turn and begins to give the same kind of excuses you are now giving? To appreciate the hurt, humiliation and her sense of betrayal at the magnitude of the pains you are about to inflict on her, try putting yourself for a second in her shoes. If she were your sister or your father’s daughter would you or he do what you both did to this woman? Her only offence is loving and caring for you. If you have never been honest in your life, this is the time for you to do the honourable thing. Not for today but because of the future that is always pregnant with surprises. After booking your flight and confirming your ticket, call her to explain the presence of another woman and child in Nigeria. It is the least you owe her after all that she has done for you. The essence of telling her is not to continue to give her hope that you are coming back or that there is still any space for her in your life. 

You really need to seek and beg for her forgiveness because there is always a reckoning somewhere. It could come in the form of the mother of your child being the complete opposite of what this woman is to you. The fact that the pigmentation of her skin is different as well as her culture doesn’t mean she isn’t prone to emotional pains like you and I.

Before you move back to the country, ensure you find a way of gaining her forgiveness. It is imperative. Good luck.

My love, his sister, mum unfriendly

Dear Agatha,
I am a 25-year-old lady. My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to three and a half years.  

I am having problems with his elder sister and mother. For reasons best known to them they don’t like me. It is really strange because the sister and I used to be very close until her attitude suddenly changed towards me. I have gone to her to ask why the change in attitude towards me, she insisted nothing was amiss. 

Along the line too my boyfriend’s attitude towards me also changed and when I asked him too why he changed, his only excuse is that he doesn’t want his sister to insult me. Recently we had a misunderstanding, which made me to send him a mail. He sent a reply that I should never send him anything again.  Please Agatha, does he love me? I really need your help. 

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

The picture you painted now shows that even if this boy has plans to marry you, you may not have the support from his family members to enjoy the marriage. It isn’t just the typical case of his mother not liking you but also his sister. How far can you go with a man whose entire family is up in arms against you?

Rather than desire this relationship, you should be glad that it is happening before you both walked down the aisle. A Yoruba adage says that good in-laws are more desirable than a good husband. The belief is that when a husband is bad and the in-laws are supportive, the marriage can still work because they know the man’s weakness as well as his strength and would use this knowledge effectively to make him capitulate to their desire. Unlike when the man is good and his people bad, they will make the home ungovernable for the woman to stay with their son. 

If his sister has joined her mother to wage a silent war against you, it is only a matter of time like your boyfriend has just exhibited for the man to begin to look for faults where none previously existed.

But beyond that, there is the need for you to look inwards.  There is no smoke without fire. Why is everyone in the family turning against you? What quality of behaviour have you been exhibiting? Often than not, we are quick to blame everyone around us but ourselves for our deficiencies. There must be something you are not doing right that is making all of them turn against you. 

Granted this relationship may not be going in the direction you want it to go but be wise to use the opportunity provided by it to reappraise yourself as honestly as you can. The tragedy of life is to think others are wrong and we are right. Life is a mix of the good, the bad and ugly. We all have the tendency to misbehave at any particular time if we are not careful. It takes the grace of God to save us from the lure of our flesh. Although you are hurting now, help yourself to refine your character so that you can avoid the mistakes you made in this relationship. 

Being in love goes beyond one’s partner. It is a feeling one must extend to the close family members of the one you are in love with. For a man, his mother and sisters are very important. You cannot love a man without making all attempts to love his mother or sisters. Only a few men would brave marrying a woman who has an issue with his mother and siblings. 

Had you studied your man, you would have known what his weakness is. Obviously his mother and sister are his area of weakness and strength. Because you didn’t bother, preferring to isolate your feelings only to your man, you lost out. His mother and sister had always been there before you and know the string to pull to push you out of his life and that is precisely what they did. 

A wise woman should always be generous with her feelings for her man. It doesn’t cost her much to be nice to members of her man’s family but a lot to be nasty or show indifference to them. 

By checking on your own mistakes, you give yourself the greater opportunity of becoming a new person, one who would make that special man and his people want her in their family. 

Furthermore, if God had intended you and this man to be an item, nothing would have made him change his mind about you. That he did, should tell you that you need to pray more so that God can help you in identifying the special man he made just for you. 

Pointless pushing yourself or desiring a family that clear doesn’t want you. No matter what you do to keep this man by your side or declare his love for you, if he isn’t yours, you are simply wasting your time on him. So instead of wondering if this man really loves you, be grateful that God loves you enough to save you from the folly of your own desires. Losing your three years of relationship is nothing compared to a lifetime of unhappiness.

Good luck. 

Pains over my sister’s pregnancy for my husband…

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very hot soup and what is happening to me appears to be like a story from a movie. I am still hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I have gone to several places to seek help including a radio programme, but my problem persists. And with each day, it becomes more complex and too confusing for me to handle. 

I don’t know where to start or how to solve this problem facing me in my marriage. My husband impregnated my sister. After her Youth Service, she requested to come over to Lagos to stay with me. My mother didn’t particularly like the idea of her coming living with me in my matrimonial home, but being my sister and one I like very much, I overruled my mother.

It didn’t end my mother’s concern as she kept calling my sister to behave herself without causing troubles for me in my marriage. Curious to know why mother was always cautioning her against causing problems for me, she just laughed over the matter and dismissed mother as being paranoid. Since I didn’t really grow with them, I have lived all my life in boarding schools outside the country. I know very little 

I honestly didn’t have any reason to suspect she was having an affair with my husband until I noticed she was pregnant. Not that she told me about her pregnancy, I chanced on her antenatal card and asked if she was pregnant. She told me yes and when I asked her who the man was since I noticed she had one or two men always around her. She told me the owner of the pregnancy is someone I know and who I would approve of.

Bothered that my husband may not like the situation of her staying in his house with a pregnancy. I told my sister to hasten the process of bringing the man home to meet my husband to avoid problems for me in my own home.

To my surprise she told me not to worry about my husband that he wouldn’t mind, because the owner of the pregnancy is like a twin brother to him. Her attitude was at that point beginning to irritate me so I decided to inform my husband myself about the development. I had expected him to be enraged with anger, but he instead broke down in tears begging me to forgive him. That my sister practically raped him on one of those Saturdays I went out.

He said he has been begging her to abort the child when she came to inform him of the pregnancy but my sister says she cannot afford to go through an abortion again. According to him he has done everything to erase the incident but my sister appears determined to hurt me for a reason he doesn’t understand.  To demonstrate his helplessness, he even went to the extent of buying her a ticket to travel abroad to save me the pains of knowing that she is carrying his baby.

As if wasn’t enough shock for me, when I confronted my sister, she told me its her turn to pay me back for having everything she has always desired as a child. She said whereas, our parents made her stay in Nigeria, I was given the opportunity to school abroad. For the first time I experienced real hatred from the eyes of the person I love with all my heart.

My parents especially my mother is devastated by what my sister has done. She is currently on admission for high blood pressure. My father and the rest of the family have disowned my sister just as my in-laws too have also disowned the pregnancy. My husband is sending everybody to beg me to forgive him, but my sister remains adamant despite pressures from everyone that she terminates the pregnancy. 

Agatha, I have always trusted my husband and know that he would not deliberately do anything to hurt me, but how can I share him with my sister or explain to my children that their cousin is actually their father’s child? All his friends are also united in my favour. He went as far as getting his managing director to come and beg me to forgive him. I am really confused. I have known my husband for over 18 years and never has he once betrayed me even when he had all the excuses to.
Should I quit or remain and fight for the man I really love?

Temidayo.

Dear Temidayo,

The question is do you love your husband and home enough to weather this storm? Do you believe he didn’t deliberately do this and that your sister actually seduced him into doing this? Your decision to stay would depend on the level of trust you still have in him as well as what you belief.

It would be a complete lie to say you have the patent for this situation. A lot of women both in the past and present have and are going through similar situations.  When issues like this come up, the best thing is for you to take a break from everybody to enable you do a thorough and frank assessment of all that is happening around you. Even if everybody begs you to go back, without you having the attendant commitment to the marriage again, there is little anybody can do to make you stay in it. Therefore you need the time out to reflect on what is important to you most as well as what you would miss the most if you walk out of this marriage on account of what this man and your sister did to you. 

It is also to enable you heal properly from the twin betrayal of your sister and husband. Frankly the issue has gone beyond if he is did it with his clear mind or not, but the fact that your sister is carrying his baby. How the baby came into being is not as important at this point in time to how you would cope with the constant reminder of your pains after the baby is born. 

If you fail now to take a far-reaching view of the whole incident, you will find out that the problem will never go away and that you will never be able to function fully as wife, mother, friend and woman for that matter again both to your husband, the children as well as to your larger family.  You will never regain the trust to come close to anybody. Granted what you are going through is bound to have psychological implication on you for sometime. Your ability to face the truth, accept the things you cannot change and prepare yourself for the future with the child would however go a long way in determining how long you would suffer this hurt.

If at the end of the day your love is strong and elastic enough to move your marriage beyond this terrible point, take the child from your sister as soon as it is born. It may sound insensitive but it is the only way to deal with the situation once and for all. This way there is no postponing doom’s day, rather it is bringing forward all the problems that the future would bring if the child remains with the mother and giving your husband or sister an excuse to see each other over the child.

Yes, the presence of the child will always bring about pains in the hidden part of your heart, but you would have prevented the other problem of your children accepting this child as well as the reality of their aunty being the mother of their sibling and cousin.  It may never cure completely you but would create the greater opportunity of your husband making it up to you. 

One thing you should never forget is that child. No matter how much your husband is sorry for what happened, a time would come when he would want to see his child, not matter how much he hates the mother. For some strange reasons men seem to take more pride in their children than women. It is akin to the same pride the farmer has when his seeds are doing well. Every child confirms the viability of the man; that he is man enough to father a child. 

This is why fathers who denied their children at conception often come back to claim the same children they initially claimed weren’t theirs. Over time, your husband will think back and wish for his child when the season for it comes. By accepting to take in the child, you would be protecting yourself from evening pains as well as helping this deep wound heal permanently.  Besides, your decision would also make your sister see that no matter how much she tries to hurt you, take away your happiness as well as your uniqueness, she will never succeed. For someone who is out to damage you, leaving your home for her would be giving her the visa to continue to hurt you and your children who would have no choice but deal with her on account of they, being your husband’s children. 

Like life, marriage has its ups and downs. What makes gives us the edge is how much sincerity, sacrifices and selflessness we deploy at every given time. The consensus maybe for you to quit but when you think of the length of time you have put into this relationship as well as the many sacrifices involved, you will know that nothing good in life comes easy. If you are determined, this marriage would succeed and become one to be envied; it is just a matter of knowing what is important to you.  Going away will definitely give you the time to think straight as well as appreciate some of your own minor mistakes in this situation.

As for your sister, don’t bother fighting her, submit her to the hands of God who knows and sees everything from the end to the beginning. 

Just be prayerful and all the will of God to prevail. 

Good luck. 

She wants marriage but I don’t

Dear Agatha,

I am a keen follower of your column and though I’ve been out of the country for a while I still feel your solutions vital and very helpful. I left Nigeria about five years ago and ever since I’ve only dated women from this part of the world even though there are quite a number of Nigerian ladies here.

In December last year I decided to end any relationship I have with these foreign women to make room for a Nigerian lady and my intention was that the relationship would lead to marriage.

There is this Nigerian lady I have been dating since we first met in March in the church. At first she seemed perfect but I later realized her parents are separated. She has so many family issues that are discouraging me. Perhaps the worst is her mood swings. She doesn’t even measure up to any of the foreign ladies I have dated. 

Normally I would have walked out of this relationship considering the fact I have a family to take care of back home and I don’t want any distractions but we are presently in counseling in church and she has found a way of  publicizing our relationship to the  church and everyone who cares. I am not enjoying this relationship anymore but I also don’t want to hurt her, her family or my image in church. What do I do?  Promise.

Dear Promise, 

If you are not comfortable in and with the relationship, end it now before it’s too late. From the tone of your mail, it is obvious you don’t find the whole episode interesting and you are only managing the relationship. For someone who has commenced marriage class, this is all wrong and an indication of the danger ahead. It is wrong to marry to please other people. At the end of the day, all those people you are today trying to please will ask query your reasons for marrying this woman when the problems come. They would wonder why you didn’t stop the process when you knew it won’t work. Marriage is too important to one’s life to be treated the way you are contemplating treating yours.

It is best you hurt her now, incur the displeasure of the church rather than after you are married. There is no offence in breaking a relationship but so much moral and religious issues involved when breaking a marriage.

When it comes to marriage, both parties should sufficiently want it to enable the union stand the test of time. With you feeling she doesn’t measure up to the standards you want in a woman, there is no way you would ever be happy or proud of her enough to appreciate her unique nature as a woman.  The strength of any marriage comes from both parties knowing they have made the right choice and are united in keeping the marriage through its turbulent times. Because marriage is a lifetime journey, you must be sure you have the right kind of attitude as well as determination to make it work at all cost.  She may not appreciate you walking out on the relationship now but given the choice of facing a doomed marriage, she will gladly have you walk away from her now than to face the embarrassment of having to explain to the world why she couldn’t keep her marriage. 

Sometimes it pays to be cruel in order to be kind. She may not appreciate canceling the marriage now, but in later years when she finds the man who will love her unconditionally, she will come to appreciate the sacrifice you made for her and thank you for being man enough to do the honourable thing.

Good luck. 

He absconded without traces; his son needs know his root

Dear Agatha,

I would like your opinion on the way forward in my relationship that has produced a son. My partner and I have been and lived together for five years, but the last two years have been turbulent. Despite the intensity of the storm, I was trusting in God to make it work. 

He got transferred immediately I got pregnant and he quickly used the opportunity to walk out of my life. He didn’t even bother to come and see his son when I gave birth. As I write, he doesn’t know his son let alone provide for him. He hasn’t even given a reason he can’t see his child. 

I honestly would like your help on how to get the boy to know his roots, his paternal family.  This is where the real challenge is, since I have vague knowledge of his father’s people and town. Deep down in me, I know his father is trying to hide something from me. If it is about culture and tradition, my son belongs to him. So I can’t fathom why he has refused to see let alone acknowledge the presence of his son. 

Do you think I should try to locate him through my limited knowledge of his place? I am confused.

Mama.

Dear Mama, 

It baffles me that you lived with a man for five years without knowing any member of his family or where he comes from. How do you explain this to your son if you are unable to locate him at the end of the day? What impression do you want your son to have of you in later years? What if he denies the paternity of the child? How do you defend your staying with this man for five years without knowing anything about him? Who were his friends? If you were talking about a causal relationship your story would have made sense, but a man you lived with for five years? It calls to question the issues you played up in this relationship as well as the values you marketed.

What you are doing is what you should have done before packing in to live with him. 

Besides, since leaving, how have you been reaching him? Is it that you don’t know where he stays or where he works? For him to have left you, refused to come and see his child, especially a son, means there is something fundamentally wrong somewhere. This isn’t a typical case of him not knowing that you have given birth, but that of him refusing to come and see his child. There appears to be more to this than you are saying. 

For a man you lived with to refuse to see his son, his first child, it is either he is having problems or doesn’t trust the paternity of the child.

In your five years of living together, has he ever complained of you? Has he ever had reason to complain of your sincerity and faithfulness to him? Have you ever been unfaithful to him? How would you describe yourself as a woman and partner? 

At what point did you tell him about your pregnancy? Was it after he left or before he did? How did both of you relate before he left for his new station, were you in the best of terms? What was the relationship between the two of you like after he left? Was there any form of communication after he left? If yes, at what point did it break down and what efforts did you make to reconcile with him?

When the going was good between the two of you, were there plans for the two of you to marry? Did you get pregnant with his consent? That the two of you lived together as a couple doesn’t mean you two must marry. It takes more than the decision to be lovers for a couple to decide to marry. You may have the idea that it is more than enough but for a man who is afraid of commitment; it is enough for him to go into hiding at the slightest escape.

First before you go up in arms against him for not seeking his son, ensure he is hale and hearty. Irrespective of how much he has hurt you and your son, you must show concern for his well being first. It is only when he is well that you can push the case of him not looking for his son or taking care of him. It is only after you have assured yourself that he is okay that you can push the case of him refusing to know and care for his son.

Even at that, you also have to know some of the challenges he is going through by listening to his reasons. Granted he has no excuse to leave you alone with a child, but you can only be justified if the agreement to have the child is mutual. That a woman and man are having an affair doesn’t give her the right to impose a child on him. If you didn’t get his consent to be pregnant bear the humiliation of explaining your decisions to him before presenting your request to him. This is the only way to get a recalcitrant man looking for an excuse to run from his responsibility to listen.

Instead of searching for him in a town you don’t know, begin your search from his office. You must at least have an idea of where he worked or works. Besides, there must be some friends in the environment you both stayed who would know one or two things you don’t know about him. Search for the person he was very close to, to get the information you don’t have about him. 

If all these prove futile, deploy your limited knowledge of his village to locate him. And if you do find him, your business isn’t what he is trying to hide but that of him acknowledging his son and making sure his family knows about the existence of your child.

In the meantime, prepare yourself to care for this child alone. Don’t delude yourself that seeing him would change anything at least not immediately. The only way you can vindicate yourself is to ensure you give this child your best in life by praying for the strength to be more than a mother to this child who is the unfortunate victim in all these drama.

Good luck. 

What can I do to my weak emotion?

Dear Agatha,

 I’m an ardent reader of your column and really like the way you help people with their issues.

My problem is that I’m too emotional, every little thing gets to me and people have capitalised on that to treat me anyhow. My ex-boyfriend treats me anyhow because he knows it gets to me, even to the extent of shedding tears. What will I do to overcome it? Secondly, I need a good male Christian who will understand me and treat me like a lady.

Worried girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

Stop wearing your hurt on your face. By making your emotions obvious, you unwittingly arm people with the weapon to use against you. Life is a jungle where most people are forever looking for opportunity to harm or cause the other pains. There are people out there who are waiting patiently like a vulture for a clue into one’s frame of mind, life and thoughts to enable them know how to cause that person harm. 

At times they get their clue through deliberate provocation, which makes emotionally susceptible people like you easy targets. You just must develop the confidence in yourself not to allow anybody get under your skin. Develop a very thick skin to whatever life throws at you. Smile even when it hurts to protect yourself against those waiting in the wings to jubilate at your pains.

Your boyfriend as well as all the others who have hurt you one way or the other knows you are weak emotionally and lack the confidence to fight back.

By building your confidence, you position yourself to be heard and respected no matter the situation. Once these people know that you have the guts to challenge them, tell them off and refuse to be intimidated by their ways and attitude, they will think twice before dishing you a meal. 

As for you getting another man, you must first of all work on yourself before contemplating another relationship else you would end up having the same kind of problem. Nobody is saying you should be a bully or rude, the fact remains that life entails being able to be firm in more ways than one. Most men cannot withstand a ‘yes woman,’ who lacks the guts to stimulate or challenge them intellectually. Even though men claim they want docile women, the truth about relationship is that they want a woman who can get them standing on their toes, one they would miss when not around. By being constantly a ‘yes woman,’ you leave your man with nothing to miss or interesting to recall. It could be a very boring relationship. Whenever angry express it boldly don’t present yourself as a weakling. 

Good luck.

Lying got me her love, now she kicks over that

Dear Agatha,
Please help me.  I am in danger of losing the most important woman in my life. I told a thousand lies to cover a single lie. I didn’t intend serious relationship from the beginning, but as time went on, I became very fond of her; my feelings for her grew stronger.
Fearing the repercussion of her knowing that my feelings for her weren’t honorable at the initial stage, I didn’t know tell her about my new feelings for her. I figured she might never forgive me as we had been dating for fours then. To crown it all her family members, especially her mother knew and accepted me with love.
Somehow she found out the truth and became livid with anger. She found out that I had all along being lying to her about the course I studied in school, my family background and other things. Like I said, I didn’t plan to be serious with her when we first met, so I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong by lying about my family and me. Then I figured she wasn’t going to be around to find out the truth. I really want to spend the rest of my life with her. Her mother has forgiven me, but my girlfriend is finding it difficult to forgive me even though she said she had done that. Her attitude has changed towards me, saying it would take time for her to ever love me again.
Agatha, please help me. She is my all in life. I don’t mind if you help me talk to her. I still love her. I don’t care how long it will take her to love me again I want her back in my life. Please help me talk to her. 
Leo.

Dear Leo,
I called her as requested by you. She assured me she has since forgiven you, but has moved on with her life.
Judging from her response, I think she is still hurting at your avalanche of lies and would need time to properly heal. You must try to understand that it isn’t going to be easy to immediately forgive you what you did to her. Your lies created more than an image problem for you. Even if she forgives you, how is she going to trust you again if for four years, you have lived a lie with her? The only thing she is sure about you for the four years she dated you is your name. It would take more than forgiveness to make her trust you the way she did.
For now she doesn’t trust anything you represent and can’t tell after all the lies you have told her for four years when you are telling the truth now. She not only feels used, but also betrayed by the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. There is also the issue of her family witnessing the humiliation of your duplicity.
Even if she forgets all the lies you told her, would she ever be able to erase the memories from the minds of her family members? Her mother can claim to forgive, but would she ever forget when an issue that has to do with you comes up? This isn’t just a matter of you lying to her, but also that of your credibility as a human being and the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with?
Relationship strives on trust and once there is a breach of it, getting it right on track may not be so easy since issues that would also require her to trust you unconditionally would always come up.
Had you just lied about your feelings for her she may not be as angry as she currently is now but to lie about your discipline, your family and other important facts? In her mind now the question is, who really are you?
You acted irresponsibly and hurt her in the worst way a man can hurt a woman. Knowing that she gave herself to lies is perhaps what is upsetting her the most. Until she is able to reconcile the man she thought you were to the man you really are, allow her be. You are definitely not the man she fell in love with. She fell in love with an image of the person you pretended to be and unless she heals properly enough to look beyond your current wrap, there is nothing you can say or do to make her change her mind.
If you love her that much now, you just must learn to pay the sacrifice of being patient and prayerful to make her go beyond the point of forgiveness and forgetting altogether. In issues like this, the forgiveness part is the easiest, but the forgetting side that is hardest to do.
As it stands now, only God can make her change her mind especially as she said she has moved on with her life. For now, continue to go through her mother to help you talk to her, at least for her to be your friend. Don’t expect any miracles immediately, if she agrees to be friend with you be contented until she makes up her mind again about you. She has to be sure she can trust you again.
Good luck.