Mama Wants Me Forever On Spinster’s Shelf…

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve this problem I am always having with my mother, who insists on treating me like a child, simply because, at 29, I am still living at home due to various disappointments I have suffered.

She wants me to get married, but unwilling to give me the concomitant freedom I need to be happy with the choice I make. Apart from making the house very uncomfortable for me, she has taken to quizzing all my male guests. She goes from asking if he is my boyfriend and to when he would be coming to pay the bride price.

I am embarrassed and would have left home if not for my father who is suffering from stroke. 

Being in the medical line, I care for him and as his favourite child, he takes tremendous delight in my company. It would break his heart if I leave home to stay on my own. It isn’t as if I cannot pay my rent, but my father’s health as well as my mother’s disposition to him restrains me from making the obvious choice.

My younger sister would be getting married in March, and since then it has one hell of a problem in the house. With the announcement of my younger sister’s plan to marry, my mother has not only branded me a failure, but also one who has completely lost it. She openly tells whosoever cares to listen that I will end up old on the shelf of time, because I am too proud to humble myself.

All efforts to make her understand that I also desire to be married like most of my friends have gone the wrong way with her.

I am writing you based on what happened recently. Because I protested the way she spoke to me when a friend of mine came to see me with her child, she slapped me right in front of my friend and child. 

She told me that as long as I still stay under her roof, I must abide by her laws. Whereas, my younger sister can do as she pleases, but not me. 

My friends and elder sister think I should leave and get a place of my own to avoid my mother’s constant nagging. My elder brother, who has had to come and plead with my mother to let me be has actually rented a place for me in Ibadan and facilitated my transfer there to begin a new life.

My problem continues to be, who will care for my father? My mother lacks the kind of patience a sick man, like my father, needs to live long. The issue isn’t just getting a paid house-help to clean him, but that of him having the company of his family members. What do I do? Do I stay with my father or follow my heart’s desires as my father has also demanded I do?

Yvonne.

Dear Yvonne, 

Cold and lack of feeling as it may sound your father isn’t your responsibility. He is your mother’s. If she is unable to give her husband the kind of care he needs at this critical stage of his life, it is her can, not yours to carry. Both your parents have lived their lives to the fullest, sacrificing yours to make your father happy would only create more problems between the two of them. Your mother would eventually turn the heat on your father as encouraging you to remain single for his sake. As long as you remain in that home there will never be peace for you and your father. 

If you were not there, your mother would be forced to attend to her husband. She isn’t paying much attention to him because you are there to help out. As a matter of fact, one of her resentments may have to do with your closeness to your father, although she may not openly admit to it. Your relationship with your father is overshadowing hers with him. Her attitude towards you underscores jealousy, but is unable to mouth it because you are her daughter. Like everywoman, seeking ways of protecting her home has decided to make the place inhabitable for you. Without you knowing it, you have unintentionally, usurped her roles that as wife, taking over duties traditionally hers to perform. 

She may not be hostile to your sister, because she isn’t her rival taking over her husband and turning his heart against her. By constantly being at your father’s side, you unwittingly make your mother appear unconcerned and uncaring about the plight of her husband turning his heart against her while making yourself the most important person in his life.

Allow her the freedom to bond again with her husband by leaving her home for her. Accept the offer of your brother who thinks leaving town entirely would help heal the wound you have created between you and your mother as well as restore peace in the home. Not that you are guilty of intentionally going out of your way to destroy your parents’ marriage, but you are unintentionally constituting a major problem between your parents. 

 He may be sick, but he is still the husband of this woman. She craves for the company of her husband, the memory of a time before you and actualisation of the dream they had of this moment when they would be alone, when all the children would be away from home.

The only way you can appreciate your mother’s feelings is to try to put yourself in her position, try projecting into the future, imagine yourself in your mother’s shoes and your daughter in your place. How would you feel if your daughter plays the role you are now playing in your mother’s life? Honestly, you will feel the same emotions your mother is feeling now.

It is for this reason you must not fight your mother or feel bad about her attitude towards you. Continue to give her every respect she deserves as your mother. 

Far from being dejected by your exit from his house, your father would welcome it, because not only would you be giving him the chance to feel like a man to his woman again, but also that you are free to pursue your own dreams as a young woman. 

He is encouraging you to go, because your place isn’t by his side, but by the side of a young man who loves and cherishes you. Irrespective of where you are, your father knows you love him and wants him to be happy. You can always talk to him on the phone as often as you like. I am sure he wouldn’t want you to suffer needlessly on his account. 

Not only would you make your father happier by beginning a new life altogether, but would be saving yourself from the incessant embarrassment your mother is subjecting you and your visitors to. 

At 29, you need peace not to make the wrong decision. Staying under your mother’s roof would only succeed in pressurising you into taking on the wrong kind of man, a decision you may not be able to endure for long.  

Even if you don’t feel like having a complete change, move out of your parents’ home. It is imperative you do it while praying to God to give you a permanent smile in your life.

Good luck. 

Now That She’s Back, What Do I Do?

Dear Agatha,

There was this lady I was dating from childhood. As a matter of fact, she was my first love. I left the city and my girlfriend, when I gained admission into a university. We couldn’t keep up with communication, because there was no mobile phone then. I later discovered she was into another relationship and actually left for Lagos with the guy. 

Recently she came asking for me and when I asked of her love life she couldn’t say anything.

Agatha, do you think she is trying to come back to me?  Please help me because I’m single and still searching.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

I don’t have a crystal ball to know what her intentions are, but one thing is clear, you have both re-established communication, the most important thing here. If you are still interested in her, take advantage of her coming to see you to ask her about the past as well as what went wrong in her last relationship. She has taken the first step, leaving you to take the other step to complete the journey.

Talking about the past, from the point you relocated to the campus, would help both of you clear up a lot of concerns as well as bitterness that might have followed you leaving her to go to school and she going into another relationship. 

You must try to understand her reasons especially if both of you at that time didn’t have anything planned for the future of the relationship.

Because a lot of time has past and many things would have changed, it is best if both of you are thinking of coming back together as an item to begin the initial journey as friends. The move will give both of you the opportunity of rediscovery each other, and where you want to take your past discovery to. Good luck. 

Before My Dirty Past Shuts Me Out Of His Heart

Dear Agatha,

As a child, I was sexually molested by my neighbours and one of my cousins, I never knew what it meant till I entered secondary school. I usually avoid anything that puts me in that situation. I have gone through counselling, healed and forgave them all. I have dated, but never given myself to anyone. Now, am in a very serious, but distance relationship, I will be returning finally to Lagos soon. My boyfriend appreciates openness about the past a lot. I am very sure he thinks I am a virgin, since he has never touched me. Am I supposed to tell him about the molestation? What will I do when he asks who my first was?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous, 

The truth! There is no substitute to being honesty. Whether you tell him or not he would still find out. You didn’t ask to be raped, you were violated against your will at an age you lacked the power or knowledge to fight back. 

Rape isn’t something any woman plans for, wants to experience or proud of. Granted, it is dirty and the most harrowing experience any woman can go through. There is a lot to be achieved emotionally and psychologically by discussing it with your man. The essence of telling him is to arm him with the required understanding to handle you. The understanding a raped woman needs from her man is quiet different from the one a woman who hasn’t the experience needs. You have to arm him with knowledge of your past, so he isn’t careless in bringing up memories you are trying to forget completely. This is because there are days you may not want to make love and he is in one of his high moods when nothing you say would make sense to him until he appeases his urges. Men are known to out of character when in such moods. While a woman, who hasn’t experienced sexual violence may think nothing of it, cope beautifully with her man’s out of character behaviour, for a woman who has been violated, it would only bring back memories of her experience, which could make her begin to loathe and eventually hate her husband without her intending to.

Though you have gone through counselling and have been healed, he still should be told because the memory of rape is something that never goes away. It isn’t an issue a woman should keep away from her man, because a violated woman would always need the help and understanding of her man to be completely healed and totally relaxed to enjoy full intimacy.

At any rate, he would know from first time he sleeps with you that you are not a virgin. By then nothing you tell him about your experiences will sound as the truth anymore. You would have destroyed his trust for you and any chance of happiness the two of you may have together. 

He might even think your story as an after thought, but telling him now would address many grey areas that would have come up as well as instigate in him the right kind of sympathy for your emotions and needs. A man who truly loves you will stay and give you all the protection you need to feel comfortable.

The truth is you will always need the co-operation of your man to overcome the memories of that dark period of your life. 

Good luck. 

Caught Between Two Skirts, But Choice Chaos

Dear Agatha,

I am 25 years of age from Kwara State. I am in love with two girls both aged 20 years.  Both of them are in love with me and I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Confused Boy.

Dear Confused Boy, 

You are the only one who can help yourself get over the confusion. And the only way you can do this is to sit back and define what you understand by love, followed by a clear picture of who your ideal woman is. It is only when you understand what love is all about that you can give a name to what you feel for these girls. If love for you is the beautiful side, the one that is oblivious to the dangerous thorns and sacrifices it comes with, then you have to dig deeper to know which of these girls can get you to give up some of your freedoms, do things for unconditionally, grow the required patience for her to be happy, do things you will never do for any other person, things you thought were stupid and demeaning of your status as a man. 

Which of these girls share your kind of dream, has the right kind of motivation you need to fuel and drive your enthusiasm for success in life? When you talk about love it must come with the image of an ideal partner. When you are mated with someone who isn’t your ideal partner, regrets often follow such a union because the expected help and quality companionship never come into being. 

Of these two, look for the one who can sustain your interest through out your life. The one with the inner beauty and strength, not the one with all the outwards beauty, but lacks real qualities to make things happen in a relationship.

Good luck.

Ditched Twice, I Still Want A Life Partner

Dear Readers,

Even though some people have continued to query the value of Valentine’s Day, branding it as open approval of fornication, celebration of pagan festival, the fact remains that we all need love in our lives. We were specially designed by God to function in full capacity only when we have someone to share our lives with. 

No matter how much we pretend otherwise or fanatical we get about certain things, natural desires for the member of the opposite sex is something that cannot be ignored or quenched when the age comes for it to be realised. As a matter of fact, when done at the right time, the society which once preached against it becomes openly agitated in demand for it. Such is the intricate nature of man/woman relationship.

Today being Valentine’s Day, we are dedicating this page to lonely hearts; those who are searching for that special person that will add flavour and essence to their lives; that would make each day as special as today. We hope and pray they find their soul-mates because God never intended anyone of us to be lonely.

Good luck to all those who are searching for partners. May they find that extra special person that would help give new definition and meaning to their lives because no man or woman was designed to be alone except for those who have willingly sworn to celibacy.

Agatha. 

 Dear Agatha,

I want to commend you for the good work you are doing on through your columns in the Independent Newspapers titles. I am an ardent reader of your articles and must say that they have been inspiring and educative. More strength and wisdom to you. 

I must apologise for having to bother you with my problem and request. I will be 33 years by October this year. I am from the eastern part of the country but work and reside in Lagos. I would say that I am doing averagely well, though I have not got to where I want to get to in life, but I’m on course. I would be glad if you can assist me in any way, either by referral or direct linking, towards ending my search for a life partner. Since last year when I made up my mind to settle down, I have been on the look out for a lady to start a relationship with marriage in view, but at two different times, fallen into the hands of players who have hidden and different agenda from mine.

I am actually finding it a bit difficult getting across to decent and serious ladies who want to settle down rather than remaining single and playing around with men.

I am hoping that with your experience, exposure and interactions, you could be in a position to link me up with a lady that is ready to settle down at most by second half of this year. I have not been into girls, partying or clubbing before and most of my female friends or school- mates way back then in the East are either married or residing in other states where they are working. I need a lady that is a good Christian, aged 26-30, fair in complexion, graduate, working and residing in Lagos. She can come from the South-East, the South-South or the South-West part of the country. Let me also add that the she should be of average height at least. 

For now my contact should be by email:   kc_kay67@yahoo.com .

Kingsley

Dear Kingsley, 

Like I have often stated, publishing your request is the best I can do. I don’t have women or men at my disposal to recommend.

But one thing is clear, for you to recognise the qualities you need in another person, you must have a clear vision of what you want. 

Relationship is about trial and error. The fact that you met two bad ones shouldn’t discourage you from persisting in your search after all the best things in life don’t come easily. Like the goldsmith in search for the best quality of gold, you must be ready to endure pains, have the patience to wait for the right moment to take the gold off the heat. 

In your search for the right woman, you must look at the inner quality more than the physical appearance. 

Also, you must accept the fact that we all come with factory-made defects which means you are also not perfect just like the person you are looking for.

Learn to be truthful with yourself. It is the only way you can be bold in rejecting that thing you cannot endure forever. 

When you meet a woman, be careful not to present yourself as being desperate to marry. Begin first as friends before going into a relationship because at this stage, you cannot afford to make mistakes that would affect your happiness later in life.

Marriage is a lifetime journey hence you must be ready to give it all it takes to be happy in it, including the decision to make all the sacrifices for your eventual happiness. 

Good luck. 

I Need South-east Lady As Wife

  Dear Agatha,

Thanks to you for the way you have been handling peoples’ problems. I’m a man of 35 years old, black in complexion. 1.69m tall. I need a woman to spend the rest of my life with. My lady of choice should come from the South-East or South-South part of the country. She must be a devout Christian. I like a woman who is ready to settle down immediately. She should be between the ages of 25 to 31 and must either working or engaged in a business of her own. I like slim and beautiful women. Any interested ladies can contact me on 07062330342 or email me on dyve2006@yahoo.com

Shy, I Prefer Electronic Dating

 

Dear Agatha,

With your every day column, you have been able to change many lives positively, repair broken relationships, rendered meaningful advice for the healing of broken hearts. You have created a special place in the hearts of all readers of your column. May God help you in helping to repair many broken relationships and your divine knowledge be renewed each day Jesus’ name. Amen.

I’m a guy of 21. I have the challenge of being unable to walk up to any girl to express my feelings. I simply don’t know what to say to a woman. 

Do you think there is anything behind it? 

However I notice I am more at home with electronic dating. 

I have been lonely most of my life, waiting for the right girl. Would be glad if you can hook me up with a girl, my numbers are: 08029958792, 07031371172.

Oluwaseyi.

Dear Oluwaseyi, 

Learn to be your natural self when you approach a woman. You are running into problem because you are over-trying to impress them and perhaps telling them the wrong thing. Most women easily get irritated when the first thing a man is telling them at first meeting is being in love with them. 

When you approach a woman with the intention of having her as a friend, she is more ready to cooperate by being friendly than when told by a total stranger of a relationship. 

Telling her she has a pleasing face or striking personality that gets her noticed from a distance is more than enough to begin a conversation with a woman. You may decide on a general topic as the weather or anything happening at the particular time to kick-start a conversation with her.

You like electronic dating because it provides you with the opportunity to remain impersonal. It is a cowardly way of dating.

Good luck. 

I Don’t Want To Sleep With My Husband

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for 16 years and I have four children for my husband. I love him but hate ‘recycling’ sex; that is having sex with all the different women my husband is having affairs with. No matter how hard I try, I don’t enjoy sex with him due to his recurring infidelity. That I am aware of his affairs, especially with young girls, makes me feel irritated especially if he makes sexual advances at me. Please help me; what do I do?

•Very Worried Woman.

Dear Very Worried Woman, 

Honestly, a lot would depend on the passion you agree to put into this marriage. Refusing to cooperate with him sexually would further drive him into the hands of these other women. Don’t forget he didn’t need an excuse to begin to sleep with these women in the first place, so denying him sex would not only legitimise his reason, but make him more determined to continue in his ways.

Much as you are hurting and feeling emotionally abused by his serial betrayal, you must at this point break it down to what is most basic to you in your marriage. There is no perfect relationship or marriage anywhere just, great determination to make it work at all cost. The naked truth is how much do you want this marriage in spite of the emotional aches it is causing you?

This is the time for you to peel off the many layers covering the marriage to enable you look at what is most essential. After 16 years of marriage; it has gathered so much dust, cobwebs that should not have been allowed to be in the first place. Over the years, you have each taken so many things for granted, so much so you are unwittingly hurting each other without even meaning to. There is no contesting the fact that along the line you must have done something to hurt him as well as his pride as a man. Familiarity with our spouses does make some women misbehave to the extend we take things we shouldn’t take for granted in our marriages. To help yourself, you must go back in time to when this habit of his started. Has he always been a womaniser? If yes, why did you marry him? If you knew and still went ahead to marry him, it means you made up your mind from the beginning to share your man with several other women. 

To deny him sex based on a fault you had always known him with is unfair because by now you should have been used to it and fathomed ways of getting around this habit of his. 

Much as I understand your pains and disappointments as a woman, to prevent the greater tragedy of you coming up with an emotionally induced related health problem. Having made up your mind to marry him with this fault, you must grow the concomitant determination to cope. To do this, there is the need for you to sit him down to draw new rules concerning his affairs. 

Let him know that while you have made your choice when you married him 16 years ago, he should reciprocate your respect for him by ensuring he keeps his many affairs off your space; it is important he knows how flaunting his affairs is affecting you emotionally and psychologically. 

It is important to your well-being that you adopt a very realistic approach to it. Refusing him sex isn’t a panacea but confronting him with your true feelings might just be what he needs to make him more responsible. Letting him know that while you don’t begrudge him the liberty of his manhood and that since you obviously lack the expertise and quality to make him stay faithful to you; keeping these women out of your knowledge will help both of you have a enduring and happier marriage. 

That you decided to deny him of your body because you are feeling hurt and desperate to have him to yourself. That as his wife, you feel you have the first right to his attention but, you are willing to let him have his way as long as he doesn’t embarrass you in the process.

But if he didn’t begin like this; caught the bug after your wedding to him; it is obvious you are not entirely blameless. To help you properly resolve this challenge, there is the need for you to be honest. Retrace your steps to the beginning. Is there any habit you picked up along the line that could have pushed him into the waiting arms of these other women? 

Do you nag? Do you have this uncaring attitude, which tells him he has no choice when it comes to matters concerning you? Do you treat him like the head of the family? A lot of time, what the woman in the house refuses to do is what these other women outside are willing to do without even the man demanding it of them. This is because they take their cue from the mistake of the woman at home. The things the woman in the house think is ridiculous and beneath her are precisely what these other women gladly do. Sometimes, when the man demands for sex in a particular way and the woman in the house is reluctant to experiment, it means he is on his way out to getting it the way he wants it.

Think of the things he has kept complaining about, which all along you have refused to do and begin to do them; you may not like it but for the purpose of keeping your marriage alive and functional, learn to do them without complaining. 

You may also have to look at your sexual performance generally. Rather than deny him, there is the need for you to overhaul your sexual performance, which may have become stale. Read up books on new and adventures moves that will get him coming back to ask for more. Let your imagination run wild. If sex is the reason he is going out, suffocate him with new and innovative ideas. Frankly, this is the time to give him too much of it. In a war situation, everything is fair so use what you legitimately have to fight for what you want.

There might be the need for you to woo him; get him gifts, shower him with care; get interested in his hobbies, person and business. Even when he appears not to be listening to you, generate a discussion relating to his business interest. It helps to be prepared to be ignored in your first attempts but persistence would see him capitulating to you later. When it comes to getting back what is yours, shame is the least thing to worry about. Don’t forget that though you are the one being hurt, his male ego will never allow him to say sorry first for fear of being rejected. Deep down he knows he is causing you so much pain, but don’t allow it overshadow you from doing what you have to do for peace in your home. Sometimes we have to stoop to conquer.

Patience has never been known to fail. The fact that he is still willing to go on with the marriage despite the several women he is involved with shows that he still considers you the best among all the women he knows. Don’t throw away this advantage by denying him his right. 

By the time you peel off the layers, you will know what is important which from all you have said; is your love for him. True love is a special gift because it is able to cover up so many faults and dull pains that come from disappointment. 

He has disappointed you beyond measure but if you really love him, no matter what happens, you will always have the determination to keep going.

At this stage, learn to be patient and prayerful. As a woman, many of your battles should be fought on your knees through prayers. It is the old time panacea to many strange battles we daily face in life. God has never failed to answer prayers.

If you are looking for an excuse to buy him presents or invite him out, use the excuse provided by tomorrow, Valentine’s Day to give him one or two lessons in the bedroom.

Good luck.