With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a shinning star and symbol of love and hope to many especially those of us that read your column. May God continue to bless and protect you and your family.
Agatha, I really need your help to solve this problem which has refused to go away. I left the shores of Nigeria 16 years ago for Switzerland, after writing my West Africa School Certificate examination.
I got married to a white woman few years after I came into this country to enable me secure my resident permit.
I was married to her for 13 years. The marriage produced two children. As the children where growing up, I decided taking them to visit my parents in Nigeria. But my wife opposed my taking them or accompanying me on the visit for that matter. She cited a documentary she watched on TV which claimed that children taken from Europe to African die from Mosquito bites.
Even though I assured her that the children were sufficiently vaccinated and that we would take any other vaccination necessary before traveling to Nigeria, she still refused. It was at that point she told me of an uncle of hers that died during a missionary trip to Nigeria.
I promised to protect her and the children against mosquitos but she refused. And before I knew what was happening, she had gone to file a divorce case against me. She claimed in the affidavit she filed that I intend relocating to Nigeria with the children permanently.
At that point, my interest in the marriage completely died. For the 13 years we were married, I was more of a slave to her. She was in total control of my accounts and salary. For a long time, my friends in Zurich tried to pressure me into filing a case against her domination of me but because I hated confrontations, I declined; thinking that over time things would work out between us. But I was completely wrong. Things got worse. The only thing she did for me was the encouragement she gave me during my University studies. But most of my friends thought she paid for me because of the huge money I was sending home.
We got divorced in December, 2006, despite everything, I still missed not having her around me. My father traveled from Nigeria to Zurich to plead with her but she was afraid that I might take the children to Nigeria. But for God I would have developed a mental problem at that time.
Following the support and advice of my parents, I have tried putting that ugly incident behind me. My parents have since mandated me to look for a good Nigerian woman to marry.
Agatha, you would recall I called you on phone last year November requesting you to pray for me. As an expert on relationships, is there any real woman?
I need a woman who will love me again. Loneliness is a sickness that comes with death if not checked. . I need a true love from any part of Nigeria.
Agatha, I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you have to do it. I need someone with good family moral background. She must not be temperamental. She must be caring and understanding. She must also combine beauty with brains and either a career or a business woman.
Agatha, please tell me, am I asking for too much by setting a standard which may not be easy to meet?
Life experiences have taught me to ask for an independent woman for a relationship. I want a self sufficient woman with good job, who can meet provide for 40 percent of her needs while I provide the remaining 60 percent as the head of the house.
Agatha, will God liberate me from the agony of staying alone without a woman? Can I find true love in Nigeria?
I intend coming back to Nigeria to settle after I must have established my relationship with my missing rib. Nothing destroys man more than a bad marriage.
Agatha, I believe that there are a lot of wife materials in Nigeria but where are they?
I need someone who is truly responsible in all ramifications. I want someone I can trust, who is caring, supportive and also independent enough to run the home when I am away. I don’t need a woman just for the pleasure of her body but for us to share in our dreams.
I want a woman who would be ready to share her inner most mind with me. I am a very peaceful and humble man. I don’t want the consequences of marring a lady who has little or no respect for my feelings.
Agatha, do something for me now. I need your help and advice.
I am 38 years of age from Anambra State and I am 1.78m tall.
Worried Man
Dear Worried Man,
To be very frank with you, in a way, you contributed to your predicament by the choices you made 13 years ago. From your own admission, you didn’t marry this woman out of love rather you married her to circumvent immigration problems. In her shoes, would you ever be able to trust such a person with something as precious as children?
Trust starts from the processes that lead to marriage. even if you didn’t tell her in plain English why you married her, her reactions to your taking the children to Nigeria and her treatment of you, show that she knows you married her out of a selfish reason, to protect your stay in her country.
She didn’t believe you because from the very beginning you never gave her any reason to trust or believe in the bond you both share. As far as this woman is concerned, those children are her only reason for putting up with being used by you to secure a permanent stay.
Bringing your father over to beg only helped to re-enforce her mistrust of the whole situation. To her, it shows desperation by you and your family to trick her into submitting the children to you especially as you seem to have the means of paying your parents’ way to Zurich. Your father’s coming actually nullified your claim that the reason you were contemplating taking the children to Nigeria was to get them introduced to your parents.
Your decision to come for a visit to Nigeria with the children wasn’t the real reason she left you. She did because there was never any trust between the two of you. It was simply a marriage of convenience and in such marriages, bitterness and disappointments are mandatory accomplishments. It also a matter that transcend the colour of her skin, creed and nationality rather it has to do with her entire being, her feelings and self-worth as a human.
If you marry another woman today under the same situation, chances are things would still end up the same way between the two of you. trust is very vital in any relationship.
That you are lonely isn’t enough. You must have a clear idea of what sort of woman would make you extremely happy. You went into the first one for selfish reasons, make sure your reasons for this new one is premised on respect, absolute trust and joint vision.
Your first marriage crashed because you both lacked common interest, dreams and visions. And in your 13 years as a couple, you both didn’t have the common focus to work on. Had both of you made the sacrifice after the wedding to factor into your marriage selflessness and sacrifices, when the issue of taking the children to Nigeria to know their paternal, both of you would have been able to manage it without it breaking up your marriage.
To avoid using your children as prawns or dividing their loyalty to either of you, strive to do the right thing by maintaining a friendly relationship with this woman. It is irrelevant whether or not both of you are still functioning as a couple, what is irrevocable is that you both share a life legacy through these children.
It is never too late to establish trust. Granted, it might not be possible for both of you to come back together, but a lot can be done to ensure you both keep being friends for the sake of those children. However, it won’t hurt if you explore the possibility of reconciliation with her. this is because there is no marriage without challenges. Having spent 13 years with her, to a reasonable extent you can predict her. marrying another woman would involve you starting all over again and it would take quite a while to be able to study the woman as you already do your ex.
Marriage is something you have to involve God. Ensure you first ask God for His permission and direction before going into another marriage. It is absolutely important you involve God in this one if you want to end being happy with your choice. Also insist on the woman who finally agrees to marry you meeting with the children first. There has to be an openness between all concerned if you want to have a happy home. Those children and their mother must be given every assurance that this woman and her children would not come between you and your first set of children. You must also be seen to be fair to all concerned.
No matter how lonely life gets, don’t make the mistake of accepting the first woman that comes. When a mistake recurs twice in one’s life, it becomes a familiar pattern. Take the extra time to study the woman by making out time to be with her. Also make up your mind to stick with her, no matter what you find out about her once you have signed the dotted lines. Enduring marriages come with more patches than smooth edges.
Good luck.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I am afraid of our made-by-phone love
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a guy, who is 20 years old. The guy lives in Onitsha. We talk daily on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis, including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do.
Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so that she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.
Confused Teenager.
Dear Confused Teenager,
This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life.
A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item, he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.
Besides, this is the obvious thing: what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him, this could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you, neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So, what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.
And for love to be firmly established; there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate who a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?
What kind of hygiene has he as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know, he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual.
For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly developed the trick of sweet-talking a woman into his bed.
When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened, so be very careful where you go with him.
Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.
Good luck.
My fiancee not comfortable with long-distance relationship
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people.
I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her.
You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in the United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria, he introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom. That was a year ago.
When we started, she expressed her reservations about long-distance relationships but I assured her it would work; that what was more important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 years while she is 24.
Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her often. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I loved her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in her but said none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal introduction. She told me anytime we were ready but said we should begin to live together.
I told her it wasn’t convenient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over to the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me. We also agreed to commence marriage rites this month.
When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up the issue of long-distance relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see.
Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends were warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well.
Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.
Worried Lover.
Dear Worried Lover,
Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.
As it is, there is the need for you to go to God first and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and establisher of this institution you are going into.
From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you are to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband.
Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention.
It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now, both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is a complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of your lives together.
For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with.
This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man.
Both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons.
For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man needs in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.
She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent.
When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future, your everything that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than when the dotted lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved.
Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows.
For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know each other. Get to discover the person behind the telephone conversations as well as behind the masks you both project to the world.
This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you do not succeed in the marriage eventually, the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all.
By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets.
Good luck.
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