My love, his sister, mum unfriendly

Dear Agatha,
I am a 25-year-old lady. My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to three and a half years.  

I am having problems with his elder sister and mother. For reasons best known to them they don’t like me. It is really strange because the sister and I used to be very close until her attitude suddenly changed towards me. I have gone to her to ask why the change in attitude towards me, she insisted nothing was amiss. 

Along the line too my boyfriend’s attitude towards me also changed and when I asked him too why he changed, his only excuse is that he doesn’t want his sister to insult me. Recently we had a misunderstanding, which made me to send him a mail. He sent a reply that I should never send him anything again.  Please Agatha, does he love me? I really need your help. 

Confused Girl.

Dear Confused Girl, 

The picture you painted now shows that even if this boy has plans to marry you, you may not have the support from his family members to enjoy the marriage. It isn’t just the typical case of his mother not liking you but also his sister. How far can you go with a man whose entire family is up in arms against you?

Rather than desire this relationship, you should be glad that it is happening before you both walked down the aisle. A Yoruba adage says that good in-laws are more desirable than a good husband. The belief is that when a husband is bad and the in-laws are supportive, the marriage can still work because they know the man’s weakness as well as his strength and would use this knowledge effectively to make him capitulate to their desire. Unlike when the man is good and his people bad, they will make the home ungovernable for the woman to stay with their son. 

If his sister has joined her mother to wage a silent war against you, it is only a matter of time like your boyfriend has just exhibited for the man to begin to look for faults where none previously existed.

But beyond that, there is the need for you to look inwards.  There is no smoke without fire. Why is everyone in the family turning against you? What quality of behaviour have you been exhibiting? Often than not, we are quick to blame everyone around us but ourselves for our deficiencies. There must be something you are not doing right that is making all of them turn against you. 

Granted this relationship may not be going in the direction you want it to go but be wise to use the opportunity provided by it to reappraise yourself as honestly as you can. The tragedy of life is to think others are wrong and we are right. Life is a mix of the good, the bad and ugly. We all have the tendency to misbehave at any particular time if we are not careful. It takes the grace of God to save us from the lure of our flesh. Although you are hurting now, help yourself to refine your character so that you can avoid the mistakes you made in this relationship. 

Being in love goes beyond one’s partner. It is a feeling one must extend to the close family members of the one you are in love with. For a man, his mother and sisters are very important. You cannot love a man without making all attempts to love his mother or sisters. Only a few men would brave marrying a woman who has an issue with his mother and siblings. 

Had you studied your man, you would have known what his weakness is. Obviously his mother and sister are his area of weakness and strength. Because you didn’t bother, preferring to isolate your feelings only to your man, you lost out. His mother and sister had always been there before you and know the string to pull to push you out of his life and that is precisely what they did. 

A wise woman should always be generous with her feelings for her man. It doesn’t cost her much to be nice to members of her man’s family but a lot to be nasty or show indifference to them. 

By checking on your own mistakes, you give yourself the greater opportunity of becoming a new person, one who would make that special man and his people want her in their family. 

Furthermore, if God had intended you and this man to be an item, nothing would have made him change his mind about you. That he did, should tell you that you need to pray more so that God can help you in identifying the special man he made just for you. 

Pointless pushing yourself or desiring a family that clear doesn’t want you. No matter what you do to keep this man by your side or declare his love for you, if he isn’t yours, you are simply wasting your time on him. So instead of wondering if this man really loves you, be grateful that God loves you enough to save you from the folly of your own desires. Losing your three years of relationship is nothing compared to a lifetime of unhappiness.

Good luck.