Hearing Of Her Dialogue With Her Ex Nags Me…

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your help over a problem bothering me. There is this girl I love and cherish so much. She happens to be my first love and the most exciting thing about her is that she loves me as much as I love her.

The problem is that a guy she once dated and had broken up with is still very much around her. They still call each other and I am not comfortable with it. 

I get disturbed whenever I hear them talk to each other. What should I do? Should I ask her never to call or receive his call again?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend, 

The basic ingredient of any relationship is trust. All you have to do is to understand the nature of their friendship. There are some couples that after terminating their sexual relationships are able to remain good friends on account of the kind or quality of love they played up while dating. 

That these two are no longer romantically involved doesn’t make them enemies or unable to function as good friends. She must have gone into the relationship with him for a different reason from the reason she is in a relationship with you. That they are able to remain friends shows that the relationship they had wasn’t meant to be. Some couples function best as very good friends rather than as lovers.

Instead of trying to break them up, what you should do is to try to get close to this other guy. Get to be his friend also and find out his motive for still wanting to be around your girlfriend. If he is out to make trouble for her, you will know just as you stand to gain from him if he is really a friend. There are things he knows about your girlfriend, you don’t know. Being an older friend, he is in a position to help you with some issues you are still trying to unknot about her. His positive influence on her could aid you both to have a smoother relationship.

And if you are really not comfortable about the relationship, be careful you don’t end up spoiling something good by your jealousy. Call and explain to her why you don’t want her to continue the relationship. Don’t give her the general excuse that you don’t want the boy in her life, saying that would cause problems between the two of you. What you should do is to give her concrete reasons, based on your relationship with the guy you think she should be out of his life. 

By also asking her how she would feel if you were the one still conversing regularly with your ex will also make her think twice about her decision to continue the friendship with her former boyfriend without it causing problems between the two of you. 

The important thing is not to give her the impression that you don’t trust her. This is usually what causes the problem of stubbornness and refusal to give up an old habit for the new person in our lives.  

By carefully outlining your need of her in your life as well as the insecurity you feel at this relationship with her ex, it becomes a subtle and not a forceful attempt at making her do your bidding. It has to be gently done to be effective and appealing a choice to her. 

Good luck.

How Do I Handle Love Sermons From My Ex-classmate?

Dear Agatha, 

I thank God for the wonderful things you have being doing through your column. I confess many wounds are being healed through you. There is this girl who was my classmate while in primary school. We were not just classmates, but also neighbours, hence we exchanged visits to each other’s homes. We got to know each other’s families. 

When we were in JSS 3, I left to live in Enugu with one of my uncles where I completed my secondary school education. She also left for Port Harcourt at about the same time. We temporarily lost touch until she called my phone one day to announce she was the one at the other side of the phone. I was excited to hear her voice so many years after. We had both finished secondary school. Since then we began to communicate on phone and she always ended her conversation by either telling me she loves or misses me to which she always expected a response in like manner. I always decline to oblige her with the right kind of reply she seems to want. 

Agatha, the point is that she wants me to marry her. I don’t want to because I have made up my mind not to marry any girl who was once a classmate. Besides, she lacks the qualities, like intelligence and good character I envisage in the woman I intend spending the rest of my life with.

How do I handle her attraction to me? What do I tell her?
Jack.

Dear Jack, 

Tell her the truth about your interest in women. By refusing to say anything, allowing her to continue to grow her interest in you, you are unwittingly giving her the impression that you share in her emotional sentiments for you. 

If you refuse to nip it in the bud now, it could create a problem for you by the time you meet a woman you are interested in and want to keep. This is on account of her being your childhood friend and the fact that she knows so many things most people except those that go way back about you.  Therefore it isn’t in your interest to allow her interest in you linger more than necessary. Because she goes back a long way and knows your family, she might completely disappear from your life for good. For this reason, you must not only tell her the truth about your preferences, but to also make her understand that it isn’t anything personal. That tried, as you would have loved to have her in your life, you know she deserves someone better than you, that special person who can make her happier than you could ever do. You have to learn to massage her ego, present yourself as the problem that would arise in the event of a relationship between the two of you. To get her to let you be, don’t give the impression that you find her character and attitude imperfect for you. This could make her bitter as well as resentful enough to make her want to hit back at you in an unexpected manner and when you least expect. Hell has no fury as a woman’s scorned. Irrespective of what you feel, don’t forget it took guts for her to come in the open with her feelings for you. Having known you for most of her life, she feels confident to say what she has said. For this reason you have to be sensitive and wise in rejecting her offer so as not to bruise her in the side that would hurt her the most and forgiveness impossible to give. It must also be done in such a way that the door of your old friendship doesn’t suffer permanent damage now or later in life. 

How you handle this would go a long way in determining what becomes of your friendship. Once she understands that you have grown from the boy she used to know, developed tastes she knows nothing of and have moved away from the things that used to interest you when you were both in primary and junior secondary schools as well as the fact that it isn’t a personal thing against her, she will be able to handle your turning down her offer with the maturity it deserves. 

By the time she understands that you are not interested in having a relationship, there won’t be need for you to worry about her demand to have you marrying her.  All you need is wisdom and an openness she will understand. 

Good luck. 

She Goes Dumb After I Made My Zeal For Her Public

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I am in love with, she just stopped talking to me. I started asking for her forgiveness despite the fact that I did not hurt her. But I really do feel for her, I am confused. I want to know if our relationship is still intact. Kosisiochukwu.

Dear Kosisiochukwu, 

Before apologizing, you must know what you have done. Sometime we unknowingly do things that hurt loved ones. By apologising, you are giving the impression you know what the problem is. The danger of offering apology for something you didn’t offend is the power it gives to the other person to misbehave. If you have done anything to hurt her, the normal thing is for her to complain of it to you, not shutting yourselves out of her life.  But for the sake of peace and strengthening of the relationship, call her to ask what the problem is; her explanation would help put things in the right perspective as well as knowing precisely what is causing her to behave strangely to you. The dialogue would tell if her reasons are real or simply an excuse for her to move on with her life. Whatever happens know that the will of God is what matters at the end of the day. 

Good luck