Dear Agatha,
I am in my mid 20s and have been married for two years. I am still looking unto God for the fruit of the womb.
Before I married my husband, he presented himself as a good and responsible man. I honestly didn’t know the other side of him, his extreme passion for women. His is what you would describe as an acute Casanova. He simply cannot take his eyes off a woman. The last time I caught him with a woman, rather than apologise, he told me in very clear terms to either learn to live with him and his affairs or quit the marriage so he can bring in a woman who would give him children.
He has called me so many names, said so many unprintable things to me and has actually beaten me mercilessly, all because I haven’t been able to be pregnant. These days, he does whatever he likes and lavish money at will on his girlfriends.
Agatha, it is hell for me in his house as even his mother is afraid to challenge him. He is in full control of everybody.
I love him because he is my husband. He is now of the opinion that nothing good can come from me and has prepared me for the coming of his second wife any moment from. He has given me the freedom to go if I don’t want to meet the person. Advise me on how to deal with this situation. He doesn’t go to church but claims to know God better than those that do. He says his mistresses give him joy.
Lillian
Dear Lillian,
When things get this complicated in a marriage, it is time to go back into time, to check on facts that were ignored during those heady days of meeting and falling in love. The things you accused your husband of, womanising and violence aren’t habits that can be hidden for long. No matter how perfect a man is, these things are impulsive and almost second nature to him. There is no way he would have controlled his weakness where women are concerned from you.
The question is, why were the issues important to you then? His looks, status and marriage or the kind of person he is?
Were you more diligent in your choice and observations, you might have noticed all these things you are now complaining of.
Problems in marriages often occur with the issues we placed as priority from the beginning. What were your priorities while both of you were dating? Did you as young girl have a master plan for now? What kind of men appealed to you then? Were your concern and dreams based on the look of the man and status of the man only? Did you ever plan for the difficult days, when he would become ugly in both looks and character? Do you have an exigency plan for when things would go the way they are going now? Did you bother to look at his person, investigate his character through those close to him? What attitude do you have concerning this marriage? What are your limits, the things you cannot tolerate in a marriage?
Honest answers to these questions would clear some of the confusions currently enveloping you. The challenge of marriage isn’t the issues that come up from time to time but our resolve to make it work at all cost. Nobody can make up your mind for you. At every point, you must determine those things in all the challenges that are out-rightly unacceptable, manageable and tolerable. This is because our experiences, dreams and tolerant levels are different. You are the one in this marriage, the one wearing the shoes and feeling the pains of the situation in your home. At this point, the best anyone can do for you now is to encourage you to face the truth about yourself through acknowledgment of your own faults and contribution to the situation in your home.
Despicable as his attitude is, do you in all honesty consider the entire fault his alone? There are always two sides to a coin. Amiable resolution begins with a vision of what you want to achieve. And at this critical junction, a lot would depend on you. Clearly your man has lost the will to continue with this marriage and is determined for now to let go of you so he can bring in another woman.
This makes your situation dicey as the accusation bothers on your inability to bear him children.
Before getting to this deplorable condition in your marriage, did both of you go for any medical tests to ascertain if the problem is from you or him? Do you know if he has ever been able to get a woman pregnant? And have you ever been pregnant?
You must adopt a very practical approach to this issue because your husband’s behaviuor is typical of most men. Once they become desperate for a child, they become coarse and very temperamental all in the bid for the woman in the house to throw in the towel.
Fighting or nagging won’t resolve this issue at all. Even if he forever angry with you, he would have a spell of sanity, that time he is most likely to listen to you. Having lived with him for two years, you must be able to determine when he would listen to you and when he would shun you. Trying to reason with him doesn’t make you weak or accustomed to physical abuse of your person, far from it. Rather, it is to satisfy yourself that you did your best to remedy a bad situation. Helping to gently point to the angle he may not have bothered to look, the possibility that the fault could easily come from him just as it could come from you. This is a salient point you have to use the woman in you to present to him.
To achieve results, don’t make it appear as if you are out to justify anything but out of concern for your marriage as well as to protect him from the possibility of any of these women taking advantage of his desperation to foist another man’s child on him. At this juncture, fighting won’t resolve any issue rather, a gentle spirit would. It is also in your interest you know where the problem is coming from. If both of you are certified medically okay, it means tension could be the possible culprit. Without patience, the peace and presence of God, nothing can work in any marriage.
Your challenge isn’t peculiar. Both of you aren’t the first couple to have this kind of problem neither would you be the last. Where there is friendship, patience and understanding, two years isn’t enough for him to give up on you.
His lack of patience with you underscores the lack of friendship between the two of you as well as an absent of the knowledge of the vow you both took on your wedding day. A friend would always stand by a friend, no matter what. If it isn’t too late, find a way of having meaningful conversation with him. The process of sustaining love is one paved with thorns and endless sacrifices. He has become a part of you which is why you must look for a weakening in him to get your message of love and support through to him.
Frankly, this isn’t something you can do on your own. You require the presence and help of God to make the difference in your marriage, to help him realise that the problem is your joint responsibility and not yours alone.
The issue of him beating you would become secondary if both of you are able to find a way of seeing the doctor and finding out where the real challenge is.
Much as I appreciate the seeming hopelessness of your marriage, it will help you to understand that not all men are equipped to handle emotional challenges. Obviously, your husband thought making babies was a simple case of a man sleeping with his wife. Finding out that it isn’t that simple for some couples would require a lot of tolerance, especially in the face of his other women. Pray for him to experience God in that special way to make him realise that children are God’s gifts and that it takes only the grace of God for a couple to produce them.
Frankly, this marriage is your responsibility for now. Until he comes into full contact with God, you just have to make up your mind on whether to endure the situation with the dignity you have or leave him to his own devices. Staying means you have to be brutally frank to yourself as well as ignore the negative opinions of others. People would come with all sorts of attitude but turn your face to God, who sees everything.
Handling your home and man to God will eventually show light at the end of the day as long as you believe in God and your marriage.
Good luck.
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