Hints on successful relationship please…

Dear Agatha,

I am 30years old from Edo State. I have encountered a lot of disappointments and pains in my relationships, all ended painfully. Thank goodness, I am currently in a very sweet relationship, which I am praying should end in marriage.

Big sister, please give me tips to make it work.

Tonia.

Dear Tonia, 

Having suffered disappointments and pains in all your previous relationships, begin by going down memory lane to evaluate your own mistakes and faults in all these relationships. When a problem becomes perennial in one’s relationships, it signposts a problem with the person rather than with the persons he or she have been having relationships with.

There is no way all these men would inflict pains on you if you aren’t contributing actively to the reasons for their attitude and treatment of you. There is no smoke without fire. By x-raying yourself as honestly as you can, you set the part for a new life for yourself. 

Nothing much is achieved in life when we bulk-pass the reasons for our failures, actions or inactions to others. A mind willing to heal must at all times be bold enough to accept his or her own faults as well as guilt. 

You are who you are on account of the character your have. By searching through your personal and natural archives, a new you would emerge, the one ready to do away with certain areas of her life and adopt new attitudes that would help her along life’s many hurdles. 

The next step is to accept your own limitations as a human being. This way, it would be easier to appreciate the limits of your partner, thereby helping you to understand many things you nagged or couldn’t tolerate in the past. Many a time, we criticise the very things we are guilty of in other people. 

Once you have the needed understanding, you will also be appreciative of every effort put into the relationship by your partner. Learning to say thank you instead of always criticising everything your mate does, goes a long way in healing and building the foundation of a growing relationship. 

Be honest about who you are to avoid disappointment in your current relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear of being left on the shelf endure a situation you know you cannot sustain. Much as it pays to be patient and understanding, if you find a situation absolutely unbearable, say so because that is the least you can go. We all have our maximum and lowest level. Once you get to the lowest level, pretending the situation is all right would only lead to pains for both of you. 

Your partner won’t blame you for having your limits, which is a natural thing but would feel bad and think twice about the whole thing if you elect to fight over it. 

Also make up your mind to make sacrifices for him and the relationship. There is nothing in life that is achieved without some forms of sacrifice. You must be ready at all times to give up on certain things in the interest of the relationship. 

You must also realise that a relationship is not an equal gender thing. Someone has to be in charge for the boat not to sink. Respect the natural order of things by allowing your partner the headship of the family. Being the man, it is his right to be in charge. Therefore give him the respect his position and person deserves at every point. Sometimes, it may not be as easy as other times, however once you prepare yourself to, no matter what he does or says, it will be easy to accord him his due respect. Respect is reciprocal. There is no way any man would respect a woman who doesn’t even recognise him as the head.

Make him your best friend. For any relationship to last, the couple must be friends. It is imperative to making a relationship work well. There are certain things love cannot forgive or mend which true friendship can do effectively. When the imperfection of friendship mingles with the perfection of love, it lays the ground for a couple to endure turbulences in the relationship. 

Friendship enables the couple to communicate freely, laugh with and at each other. It also helps the couple forgive and forget issues, which in other relationships could destroy it completely. Friendship is what lasts forever in a relationship, not the sex or love we all profess at the beginning of the relationship. Knowing this would go a long way in helping build into your relationship from the beginning the right values.

As a woman, you should know how to take care of your man and home. Don’t ever make the mistake of consigning his food to the maid, your or his siblings. No matter how busy your schedule is, don’t be too busy to cook for him and care for his personal effect. There are a lot of women out there but only few qualify as wife material. Don’t ever allow distance or official workload prevent you from communicating with him. You have to make yourself relevant to him whether with him or not. He has to know when you are not around him that he is missing something and this is only possible not by sex but by the little things you do for him or words of encouragement you give him when down and out.

Also don’t ever make the mistake of nagging him or showing him that you don’t trust him. A lot of time, suspicions on the part of women make them nag. Even when you have reasons to suspect him, you don’t achieve results by nagging. Playing down on the immediate reason would help you focus on how best to navigate and get him back on track. Disentangling a man involved with another woman requires wisdom and prayers. A lot of women that tried to use force found out that they lost out completely. Nagging breeds stubbornness in men. Once another woman is involved the best approach remains being loving and cool headed.

No man also likes his orders disobeyed. Therefore learn to be humble, even when you have reasons to raise objections at what he is saying. No matter how irritated you are by his attitude, don’t ever in the presence of an audience counter him or point him at his fault. From this early, learn to personalise your relationship. The less people know about what is happening between you and your partner the best for you both. Third party interventions sometimes destroy what could have been a perfect union. So be careful whom you share your thoughts and incidents in your relationship with.

Finally, be prayerful and depend on God. Everywoman who desires a stable home must be ready to depend absolutely on God always.

Good luck.