Pressure To Become Muslim Mounts After Jos Crisis Claimed My Mother

DEAR AGATHA,
I’m a 21-year-old 300 Level student of the University of Jos (UNIJOS), Plateau State, Nigeria.

I’m a Christian and live with my mother and house-help in Jos. Unfortunately, our house was among the many houses burnt in the recent crisis that also caused the death of my mother.

The house-girl and I are alive today because we weren’t at home. I had gone to the salon while the house-help went to the shop where she helps my mother to sell groceries. My mother wasn’t too healthy so she had to stay at home. It was at the salon I noticed a sudden change, people running, black smoke all over the air, gunshots, and other forms of commotion. I ran home, while I was running towards our house, I was calling my mother’s phone but it wasn’t going through, making me very scared.

On getting home I saw our house on fire, I tried to rush inside but our neighbours held me and advised me to run for my life, saying, “what has happened has happened.”  That day I followed some groups of Christians who had mobility to Kano State. I got to Kano at night and being my first time in there I had to pass the night in the park until the next morning when my course mate based in Kano came to pick me.

Ever since then I’ve been living with them and I don’t need anybody to tell me they are no longer comfortable with my presence. They have been urging me to convert to Islam and I’m beginning to consider it, my mother was killed because she was a Christian.

I’m so confused. I was born into a Christian home, have lived all my life as a Christian. I don’t know what to do? Should I remain a Christian or convert to a Muslim?

I need your advice urgently. I also want to share my problem with ‘The Auntie Agatha Share A Problem Family’ because I’m a big fan of your column. Help me in anyway you can, that’s why I’m putting my mobile number 0802-784-4281 my e-mail isfumiadebayo@yahoo.com.

Funmi.

 

Dear Funmi,

Where are you from originally? Where is your father? Is he alive or dead? If alive, where is he? Can you immediately reach him to come for you? What about relatives and friends who can take you in for now? Are you the only child? And what about other relatives? Have you made efforts to reach any one outside these persons you now live with?

I understand the panic of the moment that made you decide on the spot to run as far away as possible from the memories and scene that led to your mother’s death as well as everything you know.

However from what is happening to you now, the time has come for you to rethink your options, take stock of your environment as well as the choice before you to avoid the greater tragedy of you making the worst kind of mistake in your life. From all you have said, there is the need for you to move away from where you are now to be able to think clearly. There is no way you can concentrate on positive thinking with the kinds of pressures you are being made to endure by your hosts.

The fact that your mother is no longer alive doesn’t mean you are all alone or without a base. It also doesn’t give you the right to change who you are. An adage says if you don’t’ know where you are going you must know where you are coming from. Even if you are now an orphan, your parents certainly didn’t drop from heaven, they have families, they come from a place and must have told you one or two things about themselves including why they came to Jos. This is the time for you to dig into your family archives and come with a clear plan of how you intend to find your heritage.

From your surname, Adebayo, it is obvious you are from the Western part of Nigeria. Even if your parents lived all their lives in Jos, they must have told you where they come from originally. If you know their states and villages, tracing your extended families won’t be a problem. There definitely would be some people aware of your father’s and mother’s sojourn to Jos and would welcome you back home especially following the tragic death of your mother.

Changing from Christianity to Islam isn’t a solution at all. It would only be a huge complication to your already complex life. This is because you cannot change who you are and when the issues involved go beyond mere creed to undiluted fundamentalism, then it is not a matter of changing your faith, but that of changing completely who you are from birth. God that made you whom you are, knows the best. You can only change from one religion to another if you have a deep belief in the ways of your new religious, but in a situation where you are being coerced into changing your religion could be counter productive. 

Any change that is superficial comes with many regrets. Don’t put yourself in that position of being able to move on or backwards in life. Every change must come with a passion and positive attitude; knowledge of what one is going into as well as the motive for it. Beyond the issue of these people pressuring you to embrace their religion and a fear of your own survival, what other reason do you have for wanting to change? If the desire to change was coming from somewhere deep inside of you, it would have been another matter entirely, but coming because you feel helpless and hopeless will never give you the relief and comfort you need now.

Going back to your root would afford you the comfort of your own people, familiar with your history and person. You cannot afford to lose everything your have lived with for 21 years now. You need more than the comfort of your present situation. If there is a way of raising the necessary funds before the situation degenerates, do so and move.

You need time to really mourn your mother whose life was unjustly terminated by some people who are out to score some cheap religious and political points. Only the company of your kindred and people very familiar with your history can offer you the kind of moral support and peace to grieve for the woman who gave you life as well as the support to be who you are now. These tears will enable you heal properly as well as point you at the right direction.

For the time being, at least until you are sure of what you really want, go to the office of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) in Kano. They will be more than willing to help you make the journey back to your root. Leaving that entire environment will help you heal properly as well as help give you a more comprehensive focus of life. It will also enable you think of the next plan of action, how to retrieve the little you can of your parents’ property in Jos and how to continue your education.

There is nothing like the warmth of a family to fall back on when things go really back. No matter how bad your parents may have presented their families, there will always be one left who is willing to offer you the foundation to begin something new.

And to the entire Christian community and humanity in general, this is the time to offer this young lady all the help due someone who is understandably confused, bitter about the tragic death of her mother, but dare not cry for fear of being killed herself all the help she can to regain her life that came to a halt on a day that would forever remain indelible in her mind.

To help her make the right choice, we appeal to all well meaning Nigerians as well as friends of humanity, to help this young lady live again, have her dream back as well as her life that came to a halt on that day.  I don’t know her but she has come to us for help. She needs our shoulders to lean on as she comes out of this dark maze. We are also appealing to all the Adebayos in Nigeria to find out if this lady is one of them and do the right thing of bringing her back home.  God bless you all as you help put a smile back on this face.

Good luck.

 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,
Have heard so many good things about your column, so decided to try my luck. I have always believed in making it big before I marry, but along the line I suffered a major set back that brought me back to square one. Now I need a serious minded matured lady as a wife, sister and mother, and ready to assist me in picking my life again.

She must be between 28 and 40 years of age, tribe is no barrier, but she must be a Christian, humble, caring, and average in height and size.
I am in my 40s from the South East currently living with a friend in Lagos. I’m tall and fair. I neither drink nor smoke, I know I will be back on my feet again. This is my phone number, 0803-208-7784.

She Wants Him Out 10 Years After…

Dear Agatha,

I wrote to you late last year on poverty and how I am being coerced to embrace early marriage. I really appreciate your response as I am trying to apply all you said.

I have a friend who is worried over an issue I know you can help her out. She is into a distance relationship with a guy who from the start agreed to marry her. Unfortunately, she discovered along the line that she has no feelings for the man and wants to end the relationship, but doesn’t know how to go about it without hurting him, as their relationship is over 10 years old.  How best do you think she can handle this matter without causing this man too much emotional pain?

Concerned Friend.

Dear Concerned Friend, 

There is no easier way of doing this, but it is in her interest as well as the man’s for her to do what is right. And the earlier she does that the better for her.

There is nothing to be gained by either of them if she keeps postponing telling him, not doing that now would only increase the pains of his disappointment when he eventually finds out the truth. 

This is because he is still keeping to their earlier plans and working towards its realisation. 

If she has fallen out to love with him due to distance, she should be bold enough to confront him with her feelings. She shouldn’t feel guilty about it because not many of us are good at maintaining long distance relationships. 

If she had tried for 10 years to maintain it and is no longer convinced of the need to go on, she should find time to go to him personally, if he is in a place where she can easily have access to explain why she no longer feels comfortable in the relationship. But if he is outside the country, she should send him e-mail first before calling on phone. The essence of the e-mail is to give her the opportunity to properly explain the challenges of the relationship and all the reasons she fell out of love with him. It is important she gets her point clearly across to him, a thing that may not be possible through a phone call. 

She has to make the attempt at clearing every doubt that her reason has to do with another man. Only then would both of them agree on the way forward and also able to stay as friends.

If the man feels bad, it is expected because he has built his life around her but he would eventually get over her and thank her for having the guts to end it when he finds the right kind of woman. 

Besides, not telling him is also preventing her from moving ahead with her life. As it is, unless she ends this relationship, she cannot go into another relationship or give her commitment to any man. To do that would amount to cheating on this man. 

Because they have both left what they ought to have done for too long, the distance succeeded in creating doubts in her heart. Your friend’s boyfriend might also be going through his challenges, but given the nature of man that the woman would always wait having given her his commitment could make him keep quiet about his own doubts. 

Talking about it would help both of them either revaluate the relationships, take note of where they have both made mistakes with a view of making amends or ending it up entirely. 

The advantage of confronting him about her feelings is the chance it would give both of them to walk down memory lane together, erase every regret that usually come from hasty decisions. 

For both of them to move forward without regrets, she should allow dialogue, because what is involved here is 10 years of their lives together. There is no way it can be wiped off without a lot of delicate considerations. 

The bottom line is honesty and boldness to do what is right and true, coupled with the fear of God. If her reasons go beyond distance to other things like finding herself a new boyfriend due to loneliness, she should be bold enough to say it and not shop for excuses where none exist.

Good luck.