She is uneducated but…

Dear Agatha, 

I appreciate your good work. I’m 30 and just finished from law school. There is a lady in my life that loves me to her bone marrow and will do anything to make sure I marry her. Her people too want me for a son-in-law. They are so nice to me. 

I met her in November last year at a time I was facing the challenge of raising money to pay my law school fees. She was instrumental to my getting the money. She introduced me to someone who bought our landed property from where I got the money to pay my fees and take care of my other needs while in school. 

Now the big problem is, she is uneducated. She told me she finished secondary school but she has nothing at all to show for it. Infact, she disappointed me so badly when I put her through some tests, which made me doubt her claims of ever seeing the four walls of a school classroom.  

She is quite pretty but people don’t want me to associate with her because according to them, she doesn’t belong to my class. 

Severally, they have even accused her of being HIV positive and a prostitute. As for the HIV issue, I think that is false, because twice she donated blood of recent, to her family members in addition to her own testimonies that she has gone through several HIV tests which all proved negative. 

Once or twice, I have summoned enough courage to let her know that marriage may not work between us since we cannot pretend not to be aware of the big gap between us educationally. 

But she doesn’t want to relent, and is still seriously hoping that a miracle will happen. I would have loved to marry her, but I am presently not in the position financially to sponsor her education. Her parents too are not in any position to too to send her to school. I feel greatly for her. 

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man,

There are three contending issues here; you, her and others.

For you as a man to move on in life, you must first and foremost appreciate that you are the chief driver in the affairs of your life. The opinions of others are only necessary to help moderate certain actions you might want to take but, these opinions are not in anyway binding on you.

This is because there is no one that feels your reasons and emotions like you do. You alone, not anybody in the crowd would have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you take.

This is especially true when it comes to the choice of who you enter a relationship with. If a man or woman isn’t crystal-clear about his or her strength and limitations, getting to recognize the right partner for the twisted and often extremely slippery journey of life becomes difficult.

This is the point you come in as a man. What kind of woman do you want for a wife? What kinds of things will make you happy? This woman, beyond her lack of education, do you think she has what you want to make you succeed?

From the little experiences I have of life and its ways, the right education, status, connection, affluence do not count at all when it comes to marital harmony and compatibility.

That is why celebrated marriages of children of the high and mighty do not last beyond the ceremonies. The heart isn’t a product of the best universities in the world; it remains its ancient self and has eyes only for that heart that compliments it.

The manual that set up love is meant for only two people to interpret. Any attempt to involve a third party crumbles it. Therefore, this issue is more of what makes you happy than what makes your friends comfortable with the woman in your life. The right decisions are always very difficult but when made, you become happier.

The issue here is how you feel about this woman. If you were to look past her educational limitations, would you be happy living with her for the rest of your life?

There is a huge difference between marriage and the wedding ceremony. Any woman can fit into the role of the perfect bride on the wedding day but it takes a special woman to be a perfect wife, mother, companion, friend, special assistant to her husband.

These are roles; a woman doesn’t need a paper qualification to perform well in. Besides, the issue of education is one, serious minded couples have been able to overcome through understanding and support. If you are interested in her, why not make out time to understand certain things about her life. For instance, why didn’t she go to school and if she did, why is she the way she is? Despite the educational awareness of a lot of people, there are still some who don’t attach importance to it. You should take time out to find out her views on education as well as know if she would be happy continuing with her education if given the opportunity.

Her likes are the reason government set up adult literacy centers. She doesn’t need huge money to enroll. The major decisive factor is her interest in what she is doing. Once you are able to whisk her interest to be education focused, there is no telling how far she can go.

Her problem could just be the absence of a positive minded person to help put her right. From what you said of her parents, it is obvious they aren’t the kind of people to propel a positive reaction from her.

Even if you don’t marry her, be the motivator she needs to be more useful to herself and society.

The problem with listening too much to friends when it comes to the complex choice of a life partner has to do with the day to day living of a couple.

The friends whose opinion you crave and uphold will not be in the marriage to mend their wrong when you start having problems with their choice of a wife for you. They won’t be the ones who will suffer the emotional pains of living with the choice they want for you.

Often than not, the shame a lot of us want to avoid being with one person becomes the pains and disappointment of living with another person. This is the reason marital violence and divorces are on the increase in our society. Some of those marriages came to being on the strength of friends and not because the two parties feel that special thing for each other.

If this woman speaks something into your heart and life, don’t be ashamed to follow your heart because therein lies your peace and success as a man.

You are not your friends and they are not you therefore should not tell you what your heart wants.

Both of you are adults, capable of talking, realigning your dreams and coming to a decision of how to proceed. You two are the only ones who can make the decision to either end or continue with this relationship, not your family members of friends.

If you are absolute that you cannot marry her on the basis of her limited education; let the decision be yours alone and not because your friends don’t want it. This way, you will not have any regrets so ever later in life. Furthermore, if this is your final decision, stop playing games with her so that she can move on with her life.

But if you think you can manage, go ahead and do what makes you happy.

Good luck

I’m hooked on women and gambling

Dear Agatha,                    

 I am 20 years of age. I really want to be a successful man but things going on in my life appear to be pointing at the opposite direction.

I am yet to gain admission into a tertiary institution. I wrote this year’s Joint Admission matriculation Examinations (JAMB) and scored 249. But the school I selected as my first choice did not even release my result which is exactly what happened last year. Despite scoring 234, the University of Ibadan did not bother to invite me for the University Matriculation Examinations. 

To me, education is the best legacy anybody can have. I don’t know why all these are happening to me. Even my social life is something else as I can’t give account in the last two years of my #15,000.00 monthly salaries. 

I often gamble with the little left and many a time fall on the losing side. I also have a very high lust for girls. Please, I need your guidance.

Worried Boy.

Dear Worried Boy,

There is no way you can account for your salaries if at this early stage in your life, you have already embraced the twin vices of women and gamble.

If established men have been known to go down financially as a result of these two vices, how much more, you a young man, who earns a paltry N15,000.00 per month?

You are too young to fall into this social abyss. If you don’t act fast to wean yourself from these deadly lifestyle, you risk sinking your entire future entirely.

These habits are like cancer cells that won’t stop multiplying until they completely consume all the healthy cells. There is no way you can ever be focused on what you are doing, especially concerning your education if you don’t beat this habit.

What you are doing is akin to setting good money on fire. I am sure you can use such money to improve on your education through part-time enrollment since you appear to be having problems securing admission through JAMB.

For a man whose thirst is to be successful, you are taking so many things for granted. Success doesn’t come by mere wishful thinking or by the kind of lifestyle you have adopted.

It takes a serious minded person; who is focused and well defined in the choices that have to be made; a series of seemingly unending sacrifices for one to succeed in life.

Thank goodness you are still young and able to recover faster from the down slide you are headed.

It is a simple matter of determination to fuel your resolve to be more focused.

To get it right, you need to ask yourself why you are attracted to gambling. There must be something that is compelling about it. All addictions have one strong magnet. Your problem would be half resolved once you are able to pin-point why you bet.

Once you identify it, begin the big fight to help yourself defeat it. If the baits are friends, avoid them to enable you recover the time you are wasting away.

A time would come when your thirst for education will take second place to the need to get married or do other things. Life is a big stage and it doesn’t have the time to wait for anyone left behind which is why you must seize the opportunity provided by your youth and time to make progress with  your life else you will discover that while others, friends and colleagues have moved on, you are still revolving around the same spot gambling your life away.

Furthermore, why do you lust after women? What do you find most compelling about the women you ache for? Would having a girlfriend address the problem? The danger of hungering after women at your age is that you will never have the time and energy to do other things because everywhere you turn to are different kinds of women.

You will never be in short supply of women to sleep with therefore; you must desire success sufficiently to resist the temptation of a woman’s body. Besides, success can get you the kind of woman you aren’t getting now because you don’t have the style, status, educational qualification to attract her attention.

The funny thing about life is that there is always an improvement of that thing you are so unwillingly to give up.

It is a matter of knowing what to do at any particular time.

Trust me by investing your money more on your education. Refuse to be defeated by JAMB. Sign up for a part-time programme while you think of the kind of business you can do to bring in extra money for you. You will be surprised how much you can make if you put the money you invest on gambling on a viable business.

Success doesn’t fall from the sky; it has to be worked for.

Good luck.

He is a chronic womaniser

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me. I’m a young lady of 21 years old and a student. My boyfriend is dating three women at the same time, making me so worried.  

He claims to love me more but I doubt this because of his attitude towards me. What more, he doesn’t trust me. His other women come to
his house and spend the night with him. 

Whenever we are together and
any of them calls, he goes out to answer. I’m so confused because I love him and I don’t know what
to do anymore because he has warned me never to refer him to his other three girlfriends in my discussions with him.

Please help me. I don’t know what to do neither do I know
how to leave him. Please advise me, should I leave him or continue with the relationship?

Worried Lady

Dear Worried Lady,

Why do you need this kind of stress at your young age? This is the age you should be enjoying the freedom of your youth and planning the future with a man you think is responsible.

A man that will be responsible doesn’t act like your boyfriend. You don’t need a crystal ball to tell you what awaits the woman who ends up being his wife. This kind of man doesn’t care about the feelings and sensitivity of the woman in his life. Advertising the number of women in his life to your knowledge is pregnant with ominous meaning.

A man serious about his woman will shield her from such uncomfortable situation. Have you considered the way he would treat you if you get pregnant by mistake or the humiliation of being left alone simply because this man isn’t ready to be serious with his life not to talk of being serious with someone?

This isn’t the kind of man you give your heart to or allow get under your skin. If you are thinking of having a boyfriend, you can grow with, move on. Sincerely, you don’t have a boyfriend at all so stop endangering your heart in the name of loving a man who has no regard for you.

Love is beautiful and shouldn’t be treated with levity.

Walk away with the little dignity you have left. Let him know you can live without him; that you know your worth hence will not allow any man short change you simply because you feel something for him.

Make it clear, you don’t tolerate being treated as if you don’t have feelings.

He is getting away with this kind of attitude because women like you give him the impression that he is God’s gift to women. If this man treats you with so much disrespect when he should be falling over himself to please you, what would happen after he marries you?

If you don’t want to bite your fingers in regret later in life, take a long walk away from this man and relationship. There is always someone better than he is out there. It is only a matter of you knowing how you want to be treated and trusting God’s time for you.

You don’t need to look for excuse to leave him. Just tell him you want something better for yourself than you are getting from him. He doesn’t deserve any courtesy from you. Respect is only given to those who earn it.

Besides, you need the peace of mind to concentrate and pass your exams. This kind of man will only distract you from earning good grades.

Good luck.

-Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

How do I approach a woman?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 23 years old single man. I don’t have a girl friend at this age. I’m an introvert and don’t know how to approach a lady. 

I very much desire to have one but find it extremely difficult to approach a girl.

Please what should I do?

Concerned Boy.

Dear Concerned Boy,

Learn to relax and be yourself. Don’t try to impress any woman or get scared of any for that matter.

Always remember that relationship between a man and woman is a natural progression in life. It is as basic as the food we eat or the other things wired into our DNA. There is no running away from it. If animals in the wildforest have evolved their method of sighting and developing a relationship with the one they want, how much more a human being equipped with advanced knowledge and attitude?

Yes, I would be the first to concur that a woman can be intimidating to a man who isn’t sure of himself or what he wants from life but this is only a camouflage for her true feelings. The thing about life is either a yes or no.

The fact that God doesn’t appear to answer  every of our prayer request to Him, doesn’t mean people should stop praying to Him for assistance and provisions.

Life is sectioned into time and seasons which means it is enveloped in the principle of perseverance.

No responsible young woman will instantly jump at your offer for a date immediately you make it. The ideal thing is for her to play at being difficult. Even the animals do that very often. Sometimes, it takes a whole mating season for the female to capitulate to the male.

Whether you do it now or later, you will eventually need to approach a woman for a relationship. Unless sworn to celibacy, when the time arrives for you to have your own family, you will definitely need a woman to start a family with.

To avoid beginning on the wrong foot, never tell a woman you are meeting for the first time, that you love her. To say that shows a man who isn’t serious and absolutely careless. Love is too serious a word to be used at first sight.

Begin by appreciating the unique quality in the woman you want to be friends with. There is always a quality that is obvious, you cannot hide or deny. This is what you should play on the first few days of your meeting.

A relationship is about depth not, frivolities, like looks which are perishables. There is no judging a book by its cover. You have to know something about the character of the woman you are asking out before you can declare or determine what you really feel. More than anything else you have to be able to communicate as friends.

Remember this woman isn’t going to be like any other woman in your life but the one you will be spending a lot of time with. Therefore, it will help to find out what you both share in common or the bond that will keep the relationship going forever.

It is also important you have a focus of the kind of woman that will help you to be happy. Since you are shy, you need a woman who has the strength of character to drag you out of your shell; whose wit will help you relax and laugh. If you are temperamental, you cannot afford to date a woman whose fury is as red as yours.

So many things go into a relationship. It will be in your interest to first know what you want, to be able to identify the right woman for you. The fact that there are a lot of women out there doesn’t mean that any woman would fit into your plans. It is the reason God created us all differently. Like our shoes and clothes sizes, you have to find out the right woman among the several you come across everyday.

The right kind of woman will simply make you very whole.

Good luck.

Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

She doesn’t want me

Dear Agatha,

I am a master degree holder. I am doing partially well by the grace of God. I want to share my problem with you.

In 2007, I met this lady whom I loved so much. I went as far as demanding and collecting the list of requirements for the traditional marriage. She is a wife material but lived far away from me. I need someone who lived very close to me. 

In 2009, I came to Lagos in search for a job and to settle down. I met another girl in Lagos I loved with all my heart. The depth of my feelings went beyond comprehension. She was then in her final year in secondary school. She later left for the university and till date hasn’t given me an answer to my request. I however still call her at times.

The problem now is that, I cannot get her out of my system even though I know she has a boyfriend she is planning on marrying.

Olagoke S.

Dear Olagoke S.,

If she hasn’t given a reply to your request after years of declaring your intentions to her, move on.

She isn’t interested in having anything to do with you. The fact too that you are not unaware of the man in her life and the importance she attaches to that relationship, should tell you to look elsewhere.

How would you feel in the man’s shoes if another man is showing undue interest in the lady you plan to marry? For the simple reason that she isn’t encouraging you in any way should make you leave her alone to enjoy her relationship with her boyfriend.

The truth here is, you are putting undue pressures on her; the kind that might eventually force her into rejecting your calls.

The number of times you call her will not really matter if she is interested in you. So, the notion that you appear to have that she might change her mind by persisting in your quest to date her, really doesn’t hold water. There are signs a woman gives to a man when she is interested and only playing hard to get. From your mail, there is nothing to suggest she is encouraging you to stay around while she makes up her mind about her man.

If you are not careful, you risk losing every chance you might have had to be her friend. Not every feeling of love can end up in a relationship with the person you have such a soft spot for. we are meant to fall in and out of love until we get the right person to share our dreams and aspirations.

This brings me to the issue of the first woman and the excuse you gave for terminating that relationship. Sometimes, answers to our challenges are right before us but we are just blinded by other things to recognize them.

If distance was the reason, you changed your mind about the other woman, don’t you think you should revisit her given the fact that you don’t even have the choice of a woman in your life now.

Like you said, she is a wife material so it is a simple matter of both of you finding ways around the vexing issue of distance.

If there is a way you can still get in touch with her to discuss and resolve the matter of distance, please do so. It isn’t often a man finds that woman he can confidently call a wife material. If you think she is good enough to be your wife; then try to make certain sacrifices.

There is no good relationship that doesn’t require heavy sacrifices.

Sometimes it is a matter of knowing what we want precisely.

You knew about the distance before approaching her and demanding for the traditional marriage list. Jettisoning the relationship at the point it was almost climaxing on the grounds of a situation you weren’t in the dark of from the dawn of the relationship calls to question your understanding of what you want from life itself. No right choice or decision can be made when the mind is enveloped in confusion.

Sincerely, this is the point to ask yourself this question; what do you want in a woman and from life itself? Your answer will inform your sincere attitude and response to this issue.

Be sure that when you are ready to be sincere, you will know the right step to take.

Good luck.

Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626