He wants me pregnant before wedding…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am three years older than my boyfriend and we have been dating for the past six years. Recently, he travelled out of the country, but we talk almost every day. He informed me during one of our discussions that he desires I get pregnant immediately he comes back home. According to him, my getting pregnant would hasten the process of our getting married. But I don’t want to hurt my parents by getting pregnant. Besides I want to get married in the church and not the way he is planning the whole event. When I told him I wasn’t ready to get pregnant or do as he wished, he said I wasn’t ready to get married. Please advise me on what to do. Betty. Dear Betty, This is the junction in your life you get real with yourself. The more you pretend to be who and what you are not, the more complex and complicated your life would be later in life. One thing you have to get right here is that ‘this is your life’. Your parents, friends, siblings all are living their own kinds of lives. If at the end of the day you are unhappy with the choice you made in your bid to please others, you will have nobody but yourself to blame. If your major concern is what your parents would say about the proposal of your boyfriend, the real question here is, are you not sleeping with your boyfriend? When a man and woman sleep together, what happens? Is that not itself contradicting your so-called current position? You want your parents and the church to think you are still a virgin when in actual fact you are not? What you are trying to do is deceive the church and your family into thinking you have remained faithful to their teachings when in reality you have failed them by having premarital sex with the same man you don’t want to get pregnant for now. Is that not a little bit of hypocritical? God sees our most hidden secrets; nothing is ever hidden from His all-knowing eyes. So you are not deceiving anyone but yourself at the end of the day. Many marital challenges women face in their later years would have been avoided by being truthful from the beginning. You stand to gain more from life by being honest with yourself. This is important if you want to enjoy marriage. Your objection to his suggestions would have been understood if you had refrained from sleeping with him from the beginning of your relationship. He would have understood where you are coming from. The fact that you have both been sexually involved gave him all the right to make this suggestion. After six years of being together, dreaming and planning a life together, your answers to his suggestions should have been measured, not immediate as you told him. Transiting a relationship into marriage requires a lot of wisdom and prayers. Definitely you have the right to be angry at his suggestion, which presupposes that you either have problems getting pregnant or a tool of bargain with his family to accept his decision to marry you. If it is the latter reason, you should commend him not fight him for suggesting it as a watertight option for both of you to be happy together. The wise thing would have been for you to wait for him to come back to the country before voicing your objections. Sensitive issues like this are best discussed when both parties are together. You would have been able to argue and iron out all the rough edges without provoking a crisis in your six-year-old relationship. As it is now, unless you take the step to reopen discussions with him on the subject, this relationship is on very shaky grounds especially as he is out of the country. Anything can happen; a tiny distraction with a woman down there may see him deciding to stay there forever. Because he is angry with you, he may not bother to rethink his hasty decision over until too late. Honestly, what you should have objected to isn’t what he said; many men in his shoes would have done the same but his lack of absolute commitment to the dreams you both share. Asking you to get pregnant before he marries you is like asking for insurance against barrenness. This is what you should have protested against not what your parents and church would say to you being pregnant before the wedding day. He had no right to ask this of you unless he isn’t comfortable with three years age difference between the two of you as well as the kinds of risks you have taken with him. If you weren’t too wrapped up in your own anger, you would have been able to read between the lines and deduce what his real fears are. Though you didn’t give your ages, but if you have been together for six years, you are in your prime now. Men don’t think the way women do when it comes to the issue of a woman’s reproductive years. Rightly or wrongly he may feel that being three years older than he is, you may have challenges getting pregnant unlike a younger woman. This has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. He must love you enough to have stayed with you for six years despite knowing he is younger by three years. But he is a man with some responsibilities to himself and family. Every man desires to procreate himself someday. Deep inside of him, he is afraid of what would become of him later in life. As one who has shared his space for the past six years, you should have recognized what his real fears were and taken steps to assure him. You could with good wisdom dispel his fears and gotten him to do your bidding without him being aware of it. Every man has an ego that has to be constantly massaged by the woman in his life. All you needed to do at the time is to patiently plead with him to come back home first. Once home, a combined effort of your maturity, understanding and respect for him would have made him realise what he would be missing in you should you decide to leave him. The bottom line of all these is that you haven’t really been able to grow the relationship beyond that point you both started with. If you had, you would have been more sensitive to the ways of your man and taken steps to avert a major disagreement like you are having now. But beyond your anger are the issues of what you want and the importance of the relationship to you. Should he make good his promise not to continue with the relationship, how would you really feel? What would you be missing about him? Would your parents’ presence be enough to erase him from your mind and memories? From my experience there are certain things prayers alone cannot achieve; you must act to make it work. There is no success without pains. No perfection without sacrifices. What are you willing to do to save this relationship from the abyss? What would be more pleasing to your parents and you at the end of the day? Having children or having a virginal wedding? Some things are meant to last forever. Would pretending to be a good girl to your parents and church on your wedding day give you the melting warmth of a baby’s soft cuddle or the winning smile of a naughty teenager? How would you feel if you hear he is married to another woman; would you be glad that at news or cry at the folly of your decision? This is the point you have to be very clear about what you want from him and life. He has told you what he wants from you. Are you ready to? How much do you really love this man? What kinds of sacrifices are you willing to make for this relationship to work? Once you are clear about what you want, call him if he is still abroad and ask him one question aimed at helping you resolve the issue finally. The question is: what would happen to the relationship if you were unable to get pregnant? This way you will be transferring the burden of guilt and decision to him. His answer will definitely point you at the direction to go. Good luck.

Can this religious brick wall between us be brought down?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am 26 years old. I am a Christian but I come from a very strong Muslim background. I am going to church because I stay with my grandmother who is very liberal. But she alone cannot confront the combined affront of the family. My father, who is an Imam, is unaware of my new religion. He is so ferocious; he won’t hesitate to disown me as his own. My mother, on the other hand, lacks the guts to face her husband, therefore getting any form of support for my quest to marry my boyfriend of two years, who is a Christian, is totally out of it. Since meeting him, I have become more focused and definite about so many things about my life. But for his unflinching support, I would never have graduated from school. During my final year, he was there by my side giving me every bit of support I needed to sail through. He actually helped to clear all my outstanding fees as well as mend fences between me and some of the lecturers who didn’t want me to graduate. He has a way with people; it is his special gift. How he did it, I don’t know; but all I knew was that I was cleared. I stopped associating with the friends who got me into problems in the first place. He has proposed to me and I have accepted. He has even gone as far as taking me to see his parents and family members. They are now asking to see mine. My grandmother has drawn the line. She said she lacked the authority as my maternal grandmother to go to my father because he is as stubborn as a nail. Another reason why my father would want me dead is because I am six weeks pregnant. I want everything done before my state becomes obvious. My mother, whom I told about my state, begged me not to reveal she knows anything about my boyfriend let alone my state. I am so scared. Please help me. Sheri. Dear Sheri, He has to be told irrespective of his temper or beliefs. Since none of you can go to him directly, there must be somebody in the family; someone he respects and listens to who can go on your behalf to him. The essence of getting a third party involved is to prevent you from the shock of his first reactions. At least the person’s presence would have significantly watered down his anger and disappointment at your conduct. His anger would have expired before you meet him. Ultimately, you have to face him because he is your father. At this stage, there is nothing you can do about what you feel for your boyfriend or the fact that you are already expecting his child. Despite being a religious leader, first and foremost he is your father. His religion and beliefs cannot erase that. Whatever he is, he is secondary to his role as a father in your life, which means you just have to face him as a daughter to her father. He doesn’t have the right to deny you this. It is his responsibility to at least hear what you have to say. Deep down, there is a father underneath everything that he has clothed himself with. No parent, no matter how strict or unreasonable, would bear to see his or her child suffer. Your pains are his, so you must grow the maturity of making him see reason. Your mother and maternal grandmother don’t occupy the same position as you do in his life. So, whatever your misgivings are, be bold enough to go after the intermediary has informed him. Explain everything to him; including your decision to marry a man who isn’t a Muslim. To reduce the many battles you have to fight at this initial stage, wisdom demands that you should keep the information about your conversion from him for now. It would be too much of a problem for you to manage on your own since both your mother and grandmother are shying away from mediating. The important thing here is to get him to allow you marry the man of your choice. There is no way he can force you to follow his dictates after you have married. It is also important you assure him that you didn’t get pregnant deliberately to tie his hands in this matter. This discussion should be between you and him. Don’t forget he has a reputation to protect so would not want anybody to witness whatever concession he was going to make for you. You must also not forget that your new religion is strange to him, against everything he has known so he is bound to be bitter but your maturity would definitely make a lot of difference. This isn’t time for you to be stubborn or heady. In everyway, he has a right to be angry with you but you can change him by being humble and sensitive to his feelings. This way you will have the understanding and patience to deal with him. Besides, how would you feel if the child you are carrying in your womb grows up to hurt you? Yes, true love is blind and deaf to what others consider important but you must try to win him over first. Go after your own happiness only when it appears impossible to change his mind. It would also help to inform your boyfriend’s family of what to expect whenever they visit your family. Let your boyfriend’s mother meet with your grandmother and mother first. Women have a way of going around issues like this. After all, you are pregnant with their grandchild. Above all, learn to pray. There is nothing or situation prayers cannot achieve. Good luck.