My girl’s ex humiliates her everywhere…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I want to start by appreciating you. I am seeking help for my girlfriend. Before she met me, she was dating this man who got her pregnant. He refused to do the honourable thing of marrying her in addition to abandoning her and the child. The strangest thing is that he beats her whenever he sees her, and collects whatever amount of money he finds on her by force. The latest is taking away her phone. The most amazing thing is the attitude of her parents who say she deserves the kind of treatment she is getting from the man. Emeka. Dear Emeka, Unfortunately, she is making another costly mistake by not ending that relationship properly before going into a new one. The fact that the father of her child can come and go in her life as he pleases is itself a danger to her and whosoever is in her life. That man is no over her, the relationship is only pending. They must come together to discuss the future as it concerns both of them and the child. This situation will persist until they both have the maturity to sit down and discuss the future of their child. She has to fight for her freedom from this man who appears determined to make her life a living hell. This is something you cannot do unless she prompts it. The only time you can is when your interest in her becomes official and common knowledge to everybody. In the interim, encourage her to stand up to this man and procure her freedom if she wants to be completely free of the mistake she made in the past. This she can do by either involving the Police or telling him to his face that she has had enough of being bullied. The fact that she has a child for the man doesn’t give him the right to humiliate her at every opportunity unless of course there is something about that relationship she isn’t telling you. Obviously this man is a bad mistake in all ramifications. But unless there is something behind the story, he has no right to beat her up whenever he sees her without her doing something to protect herself. It isn’t a normal reaction. The normal thing would have been for her to confront the man and ensure he is made to suffer the consequences of his actions. That she is taking it with docile resignation means there is more to this story. This is the juncture she tells you all there is about her relationship with the former man with a view of getting re-organising her life as well as helping her mend the relationship with her parents. Her parents’ seemingly strange behaviour may not be unconnected with the kind of attitude or things she said to them when the relationship with the other man started. Chances are that her parents warned her against the man. As the new man in her life, this is where your help is needed to make things right for all of them. Go to her parents and find out why they aren’t doing anything to prevent the humiliation of their daughter by this man. Listen to their story to enable you know how you can help mend fences between her and her parents. This is important to both of you. Every parent wants the best for his or her child. They are naturally disappointed at her choice and conduct. Their attitude is to help her come to her senses and teach her how to prioritise things in life. Seeing you will go a long way in changing their attitude towards her. Furthermore, help her put the past behind her by going back to school, if she dropped out of school to have this child or begin something to support herself and child. This is important because life is a maze of uncertainties, what appears to good today may develop a favour you are no longer comfortable with in the later days. By helping her be on her feet again, you would have given her a new life, something worthwhile to hold on to for life. God may have brought you to her life to assist her in giving new definition to everything that concerns her life. For now be the friend she needs to restore her life to what it was intended to be from the beginning. Good luck.

She left four years ago, now back begging

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady I have been dating since 2004. Severally she has broken my heart and each time she comes back to beg for forgiveness I find a place in my heart to always forgive her. I was really in love with her. But what she did last broke the camel’s back. In 2007, without any explanation, she left me and went to Calabar where she spent four years. She came back this year and called me to take off where we stopped. I told her it was impossible since there was another lady in my life, a woman I love very much. Since then she has been calling me every day to demand I hear her out. I am really getting fed up and confused by this development. Please help me out. Confused Man. Dear Confused Man, From where I sit, I don’t see any problem at all, so why are you confused? Unless, you don’t know what you feel for your current girlfriend, aren’t sure you really are in love with her? You don’t have any business with your ex. You are confused because somewhere in your heart, a part of you still desires your ex; a situation if not properly handled could destroy your chance of moving your current relationship beyond its present level. You really have to take full charge of your emotions to avoid you losing the love and support of a woman who truly cares about you. Granted certain things in our past cannot be changed, but the present and the future give us the opportunity of re-navigating our lives to the channels that are best profiting for us. The real lessons in life aren’t the pains and disappointments we go through in life, but how well we manage them. More often than not we apply sentiments rather than good judgement in things we should be very practical about. Reality is, her time is past. She doesn’t owe you at all. It is very assuming on her part to ask you to take her back after four years of being away and no word from her. Whatever her reasons for going to Calabar in the first place, should ideally have been discussed by both of you and an understanding reached concerning your relationship before she left. The fact that she left without informing you is taking too many things for granted. Coming back four years after to demand you take her back is asking for too much. Even if you weren’t into another relationship, it still wouldn’t have made sense for you to take her back simply because she desired it. Relationship isn’t a tap you turn off and on at will. So many things other than sex go into the building of a relationship. One of such is mutual respect. A woman who doesn’t see anything wrong in multiple relationships is evidently lacking in respect for her man. Even if she feels she is the prettiest girl in town, the fact that she is in a relationship with you should make her sensitive to your feelings as a man. Frankly, she has gotten this far and bold because in a way you gave her the impression that you cannot do with her, that there is no offence or thing you cannot forgive. This is why she has the boldness to propose you allow her back into your life. The fact that you even consider it a challenge enough to ponder over it showcases you as a man lacking in principle. Deep down, something inside you still desire her, so stop lying to yourself and face the truth. A man, who is truly over a woman, will not even consider the presence of this kind of woman let alone worry over the absurdity of her desires. This is what she is capitalising on and the reason she is putting the pressure on you. This is the point you make the vital decision in your life as a man. While you reserve the right to take her back if she is the kind of woman you need in life, but be sure you are clear sighted about the implications of your decision, especially how it would affect your well being in your wrinkled and grey years. Don’t kid yourself about being able to change this kind of person. Her ways are too set for you or anyone to change unless the decision comes from her. Even though you don’t know what is actually happening to you, go to God for help. This other woman hasn’t done anything wrong. Her only offence now is falling in love with you while you still secretly carry a touch for your ex. Good luck.