I have a good friend. She is white, 42-year-old. Our relationship is four years old. I actually married her in Nigeria before I was given visa to live with her in this country. I met her when I travelled to another country abroad and got married to her when she came for a visit in Nigeria.
She is like a mother to me, takes good care of me; provides for me. But the problem now is that I want a child of my own. She has a grown son, who is my very good friend. Being the only son in my family, my father advised me to marry a black girl before travelling to be with this woman. This I did. I really love this white woman for her care, but not enough to live with her forever. Now my wife in Nigeria has delivered a baby girl. And I would love to be with them. My desire is to live with my wife and children happily without any interference from anybody. I really don’t like the white woman because she cannot give me babies. Besides she is older than I do. Agatha, how do I end the relationship so that I can be with my family? Please help me.
Divine.
Dear Divine,
At what point did you realise that you cannot live with this woman forever? When did you notice she is too old for you and unproductive? Is it at the point you married her in Nigeria or at the point you discovered that you have saved enough from her kindheartedness to set up something for yourself and family in Nigeria?
Didn’t you know the rules and implications of being with an older woman or didn’t your father know that she was white and would not be favourable to bearing children when he encouraged you to marry her and travel to be with her?
Sincerely, you are not being fair to this woman. It would have been a different case if she had lied to you about herself, but you knew what the scores were and you still went into it.
White and older than you or not, in the eyes of God and the laws of our land, she is your wife while this woman who gave birth to your child is regarded as mistress. Under the laws of our land, if you take another wife while you are still legally married to this other woman, it would be termed as bigamy to take any other woman as wife. If this woman does anything to hurt you, she would be within her right, because what you have done is not only to defraud her emotionally but financially too. You knew from the beginning, what your agenda was, yet you led her into trusting you by marrying her, so she can care and provide for you. Now that you have had enough of her, you suddenly remember she is too old and cannot give you a child. In her shoes, how would you feel if after investing your all and all in a woman she makes a u-turn and begins to give the same kind of excuses you are now giving? To appreciate the hurt, humiliation and her sense of betrayal at the magnitude of the pains you are about to inflict on her, try putting yourself for a second in her shoes. If she were your sister or your father’s daughter would you or he do what you both did to this woman? Her only offence is loving and caring for you. If you have never been honest in your life, this is the time for you to do the honourable thing. Not for today but because of the future that is always pregnant with surprises. After booking your flight and confirming your ticket, call her to explain the presence of another woman and child in Nigeria. It is the least you owe her after all that she has done for you. The essence of telling her is not to continue to give her hope that you are coming back or that there is still any space for her in your life.
You really need to seek and beg for her forgiveness because there is always a reckoning somewhere. It could come in the form of the mother of your child being the complete opposite of what this woman is to you. The fact that the pigmentation of her skin is different as well as her culture doesn’t mean she isn’t prone to emotional pains like you and I.
Before you move back to the country, ensure you find a way of gaining her forgiveness. It is imperative. Good luck.
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