Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a serious challenge with my relationship that has lasted for almost six years now. I started this relationship when I was running my Higher National Diploma programme in 2005. I love and trust her too much because of her understanding. During this period we shared so much love and promised not to cheat on each other.
However, I started noticing changes when I went for National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I was posted to a village where there was no network. I have to travel every week to a nearby town to call her. At times she would answer her calls and at other times, she would simply ignore them. Severally I have to make the journey the following day to get her. She would always give the excuse of being in class at the time I called. I didn’t think anything was wrong until I finished serving when she introduced her course mate to me. The lady lives with her younger brother in the same room.
She told me the boy is a pastor and I became friends with all of them.
Since I was around, it was easy for me to visit her regularly. There was this day I was trying to get her on the phone, and it kept ringing. When she didn’t answer it, I decided to visit her. I was surprised to see my girlfriend with her friend’s younger brother indoors alone.
I left without confronting her. She called later to apologise and assure me that nothing is going on between them. I wasn’t convinced so I decided to investigate by asking questions from people around her. It was then I discovered that the boy at times sleeps overnight in her room. Armed with this information, I asked her again to explain the nature of relationship between her and this boy. She again denied anything between them.
When I now confronted her with the information I have, she eventually agreed that she has something going with the guy.
She broke down begging for my forgiveness. I was prevailed upon to forgive her since she has admitted her mistake. Though it was difficult because I have been so loyal to her but I eventually agreed to let go of the memories and we became as good as new.
Although she promised to be good when she left for her NYSC programme, I noticed changes in her attitude again when a guy who worked in one of the constructions companies rented a place beside their command. I got calls that my woman would stay late in the guy’s place, cooking his food and washing his clothes. When I called to demand explanations, she assured me he was just a friend.
When I called to demand for the guy’s number, she gave me a number that didn’t go through.
When she came back from her service, I formally gave her an engagement ring. After this she told me she was going back to the north that her school said they should be with them for some time while they pay them a stipend every month. I tried to stop her but she insisted, as it was better than nothing.
I could not reach her for four days last week so had to go through her only friend I know. It was this friend who told me she was living at the boy’s house. I was told that the boy left everything for her when he was leaving town.
Again I confronted her when I finally got her on the phone. She said she was afraid to tell me where she was staying since I would jump to the conclusions that she and the boy were dating.
She promised to come home to explain things to me. Last week she called me to inform me of her mother’s intention to see me coupled with her desires for us to commence marriage plans.
I really want you to tell me what to do, as it is now I sent her a text that I have quit the relationship, but she will not let me be. Do you think I should allow her into my house after all these pains and hurts she has caused me?
Do you think I should go on with this relationship? If I must be sincere with you, I love this girl so much that I cannot do anything as I am talking to you now. My body and mind is so heavy that I can’t imagine what is happening to me.
I have done enough to see that she gets a job, all advert that suit her credentials I do not hesitate to apply for her. I even ask her to scan her credential for me, but she hasn’t done it till date.
Emmanuel.
Dear Emmanuel,
The most important ingredient in marriage is love. The fact that you love her in spite of all that she has done to you shows that you have the strength to pull your relationship through from this pit of temptation.
It is always so hard for the faithful partner to understand why the other partner is putting the relationship through needless pains. From where you stand, you can’t understand why she keeps drifting to other men when you have given her everything, done everything for her and shown her how much you care.
Sincerely, it is always so hard to comprehend why anyone would choose to hurt his or her partner by dating others. Honestly, it would require more than love to go ahead with her. It would demand absolute friendship for you to continue with her.
You will also require a lot of deep thinking. You must answer the question of your ability to cope with her, especially on those occasions when you have to travel out of your location, consider the issue of trust as well as the peace of mind to keep your marriage happy.
If you are the extremely jealous type, do you see yourself allowing her to work after your marriage? Do you have the confidence in her that she would eventually change to be the kind of woman you want and love? Is your heart large enough to forgive her anything? What would be your limit, that which you cannot forgive should it happen?
Granted that even the best of us can misbehave in certain situations since life itself doesn’t offer guarantees, but knowing the nature of the woman you are about to wed makes it important for you to prepare yourself psychologically as well mentally. It would be unfortunate if you at the end start expressing regrets at whatever actions you take because unlike others you can’t plead ignorance.
If you love her enough to marry her, then you must be prepared to make huge sacrifices for the sustenance of this relationship, at least, until it stabilises.
From your experiences with this woman, distance is her problem. She finds it difficult to remain faithful when you are away from each other. From your letter all the times she has been unfaithful are the times you lived apart.
Therefore, one of the hurdles is to ensure you both do not have reasons to stay away from each other for long. If you must travel for a long time, you must be prepared to either take her along if you can or ensure you exchange visits regularly.
Also, you must be prepared to table the matter of her unfaithfulness with her. The time has come for you to ask very direct questions concerning your relationship as well as her current thoughts about your person. The fact that she has done it twice points at something wrong in your relationship. Refuse to be stampeded into marriage until you know why she is always flirting with other men. You must know what she finds uncomfortable about you and the relationship. It is only then you would know what kinds of solutions to work out.
Before anything else, demand to see her to enable both of you to dialogue as a couple before going to see her mother. You have to be certain of what you are going into while she has to be sure, she still feels the same way about you as she did when you both started. She may think you are right for her now but what about later? If you are sufficient for her, why is she always straying? Insist there is no way you can go to see her mother with you having all these doubts about her fidelity to you.
Because you love her so much, there is the tendency of you once you go to see her mother first sweeping the important issues of your relationship under the carpet. Any dirt swept under the carpet often becomes huge problem later in life. Don’t be afraid to face your future with all the determination it needs.
One thing is to be in love another thing is to ensure the person one is in love with would bring peace and rest of mind into one’s life. It isn’t the now that is important but the tomorrows.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I hate marriage with passion
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
How does one solve this problem? I hate marriage. I was married once, but now divorced. Even before that marriage, I hated marriage. I can’t stop wondering why people are dying to get married in the first place. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go out of my way to advise people otherwise. But what is wrong with being single? I am fed up with marriage suggestions from friends and family members. How do I tell them that I sincerely hate marriage? Please no preaching or reference to Bible. I am 45 and well educated and read. Bobo.
Dear Bobo,
Sincerely, there is nothing wrong in being single as long as one can cope with the loneliness as the years roll by. The choice to marry or not is an individual thing. It is your life and you know what suits you the most. Friends and family members who appear to be intruding on your privacy by their marriage advocacy are only concerned about you, because a time would come when you would no longer be as active as you are and will be in need of someone to help you carry on when the days are dark, grey and the shadows of loneliness amplified. This is the essence people get married, to have someone to talk to, to be one’s eyes and hands when ill health comes, when the bones are too weary to obey simple commands, someone of your own who unlike paid helps would show personal commitment to the issue of one’s welfare. However, this is not to dismiss your feelings. Obviously something must have happened in your past, could be an incident right back to your very tender years which you may have forgotten but has deeply affected your psychology concerning one of life’s natural processes. Whatever your experiences are, you need to understand that life isn’t always what it seems. There is always a flipside to an issue. Today, you are still young, strong and able to do everything you wish but remember that age withers and that no amount of money can ameliorate happiness and peace that come from knowing come what may that there is someone to pick up one’s pieces. This has nothing to do with sex as many erroneously believe, as the age piles up, marriage gradually shifts from physical benefits to companionship and friendship. These are what give warmth to the soul and spirit. This is the reason people marry. If it is just for the sexual intimacy, this can be gotten almost free in the open market. The human being is wired to share his or her space at maturity. It isn’t just what the society expects but what God programmed us to be. Marriage also provides a very good platform for training. No matter what your field of specialty is as a man, if not exposed to the dynamism of the female specie full time, such a man would never be considered for certain managerial positions. Any man who hasn’t been able to manage a woman full time isn’t always though good enough to handle some sensitive positions. This is because a man who can live with a woman, tolerate the human being God created her to be, can almost put up whatever challenges he comes across in his official assignment. A woman is the greatest challenge and puzzle for any man to manage and resolve. Marriage isn’t just another institution but one that schools and prepares the man for greater challenges in life. This is another reason a lot of men, who ordinarily wouldn’t have dared or wanted it are today in it. Its fringe benefits are such that it cannot be quantified. As a man you aren’t built for certain chores. Even if you find cooking fun, house cleaning easy, these are the natural domains of a woman. Try to imagine yourself at 70 on the day your paid staff goes on holiday and the lady in your life refuses to play nurse maid, you feel like eating a particular dish and have nobody to cook it for you? Granted if you have reservations about marriage given the attitudes of some women to marriage but the fact remains in years to come you would come to realise that life is a stage and every stage adds its value to whomever we end up being. Like I said, it is your ultimate choice. You are too old man to be forced into a situation you don’t want in your life. Let your friends and family know that you are one of those persons who cannot withstand for too long people sharing their space. You are not alone. There are people who indeed are not comfortable with marriage. But learn to have an opened mind about it. You may be surprised to find out how much you have been missing when you find the right person. The problem might be that you haven’t found the right woman. Good luck.
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