Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear agatha,
I am a young lady that finds pleasure in the company of other women than men. I discover I actually get excited when a woman is very close to me.
Recently, I found myself in a room with a friend of mine, and one thing led to another. We began to make love. I really enjoyed it while it lasted, but I felt bad afterwards because the act went against everything I was brought up with.
I am not proud of myself. Is there a way out of it? Can I be normal again? Can have the same feelings for members of the opposite sex as I have for my fellow women?
Please Agatha, I urgently need your help before I embarrass myself any further than I have done.
Already, the lady I was intimate with is putting too much pressure on me. Please help me.
Lily.
Dear Lily,
You are the only one that can help yourself overcome this urge. It is a matter of determination. Once you are resolute, there is always a way out.
For now, avoid the lady you were intimate with. You have to put a lot of distance between the two of you at least until you are strong enough to resist her overtures.
What you have to do is to stay very close to God who is the only one that can help you fight your abnormal urges.
When next the urges come strongly, avoid being among women especially the ones you have feelings for. Keep your distance from them and concentrate on fighting all the strange urges inside of you.
It has also become necessary for you to have a responsible man in your life whose presence would help you fight these urges. You don’t have to sleep with him; his presence is enough to help expose you to the natural way God designed it between a man and woman.
To get him to understand where you are coming from, tell him the truth about yourself. This is to make him grow the kind of understanding and compassion you need to overcome this phase of your life.
Only a man who understands your challenge can really offer you the kind of patience and friendship you need at this point in time.
Although it isn’t going to be easy but as long as you are determined to disengage from the habit, you will win at the end of the day.
Good luck.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
He’s in love with his cousin
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
What should they do?
Arms
Dear Arms,
In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins.
Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members.
It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
Dear Agatha,
Thanks for being who you are, your advice is healing in themselves.
I have a close friend who fell in love with his second cousin three years ago. They have been lovers on till recently when the reality of their family ties dawned on them. She is trying to break up, while he has the difficulty of letting go.
My question: what implication would they have if they continue?
Is it wrong to fall in love with a relation, not a sibling?
What should they do?
Arms
Dear Arms,
In some cultures, it is forbidden while in other cultures it isn’t such a big deal especially as they are second cousins.
Impress it on your friends to first of all investigate their culture, find out what is forbidden and what isn’t. They should also bring the relationship into the open by discussing their feelings with their family members.
It is only after they have weighed all the options, family ties and customs of their different people that they can make a decision on whether it would work out or not.
Good luck.
How do I say I don’t love her again?
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and also in the world to come.
I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust instead.
Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she has aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria.
I am also an HND graduate. I read Secretarial Administration.
There is this lady I was once interested in, but due to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered.
However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success, hence her decision to go to a catering school.
The main problem now is that I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school that has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse is the fact that I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26.
In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age.
I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong, but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her.
Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the schoolgirl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future.
Please Agatha, I really need your help.
Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives.
Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her?
Maxwell.
Dear Maxwell,
It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceits and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her.
That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child.
Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want.
Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves.
She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your girlfriend in school.
What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also being deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life.
For you must have made up your mind on marrying her, and the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart?
You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole, which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past.
Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl, deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows, because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you would need the support of your woman to move from the point you are now with the other woman.
But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now.
Besides hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along you have someone else in your life, but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decide to make his desire to end the relationship difficult.
After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant your leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man.
Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil, because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end.
She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her, but overtime when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her.
To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thank you for the kind assistance you render to people and I pray your labour of love would be rewarded here on earth and also in the world to come.
I had a girl I was dating during my school days, but the relationship was not based on love, but lust instead.
Before I knew the inherent danger of such a relationship, she has aborted twice for me. She is currently undergoing her Higher National Diploma (HND) programme, while I am working with one of the biggest banks in Nigeria.
I am also an HND graduate. I read Secretarial Administration.
There is this lady I was once interested in, but due to my unserious attitude I lost her. Way back then, I knew she liked me but I just couldn’t be bothered.
However we are together now and frankly speaking I have found peace, joy, and love in her. She is an SSCE holder. She has written the Joint Admission Matriculation Examination severally without success, hence her decision to go to a catering school.
The main problem now is that I have decided to settle down with this lady but I have a girlfriend in school that has introduced me to her parents as well as her pastor. To make matter worse is the fact that I am the first man she has brought home to her parents and family. She is 26.
In fairness to her she has not offended me in anyway. It is just that I find so much peace and joy being with this other girl who is 24 years of age.
I know from my responses on the phone, the one in school knows there is something wrong, but I haven’t been able to tell her I have made up my mind to terminate the relationship with her.
Agatha, how do I tell her of my intentions to end my relationship with her? What do I do? I love the second girl with all my heart. My parents are worried and afraid not knowing what I am doing. I plan to get married next year, but how do I discharge the schoolgirl? I don’t want any curse in my life in the future.
Please Agatha, I really need your help.
Everyday, I pray for God’s intervention because marriage is a more serious business than many think. I don’t want to be like Samson, John Wesley, and Solomon, who despite their greatness were destroyed by the women in their lives.
Agatha, please tell me how to tell this girl in school who would be coming home soon that I am no longer interested in continuing the relationship with her?
Maxwell.
Dear Maxwell,
It is always better to err on the side of honesty than to err on the side of deceits and lies. There is no contesting the fact that your school based girlfriend would feel bad about this development in your relationship, but having deceived her enough, be very bold enough to tell her the truth concerning the status of your relationship with her.
That she has introduced you to her parents and pastor should not stop you from telling her the truth about your new feelings towards her. It is only when you both derive joy being together that your family would be happy. Her family would only support a union that guarantees the peace and happiness of their child.
Having made up your mind to marry this other girl, it would be pointless to continue to hold on to someone you admit isn’t giving you the type of happiness you want.
Your conclusion of being happier with another woman might not make complete sense to her, given the fact that at one time you gave her the impression that she was the most important woman in your life, but it should not stop you from dealing with the situation you have both found yourselves.
She deserves your unconditional apology because you betrayed her by going outside your relationship with her to commence something new with another woman. It doesn’t matter if this second woman is giving you so much joy or not, what is important and crucial is your disloyalty to your girlfriend in school.
What you should have done from the beginning was to have first terminated the relationship with her before going into this new one. In a way, you have also being deceiving this other girl who probably thinks she is the only woman in your life.
For you must have made up your mind on marrying her, and the relationship must have been on for sometime. How do you think she would react if she gets to find out that while you were giving her all the promises in the world, part of your heart was in the bank of another woman’s heart?
You have unwittingly dug for yourself a very delicate hole, which you need tact and very clear honesty to firm up. It is for this reason you must urgently deal with this situation before you lose the one you love in the process of being afraid to face up your past.
Since there is nothing that can compensate for the truth, begin by confessing to your present girlfriend first. She, like the other girl, deserves to know the truth. You may not see the need to tell her, but it is important she knows, because should complications occur in your handling of the other woman, you would need the support of your woman to move from the point you are now with the other woman.
But if you don’t tell her and she gets to know when the matter has become completely messy and out of hand, it would be difficult for you to get her to support your move and story. By then she might not be interested in hearing your story as she would now.
Besides hearing it from you would lessen the pains and sense of betrayal that come from hearing such things from a third party. Naturally she won’t be happy knowing that all along you have someone else in your life, but knowing what it has cost you to tell her the truth, she would forgive you easily and stand by you should the other lady decide to make his desire to end the relationship difficult.
After securing the support of your girlfriend, call for an appointment with your school based friend to tell her everything. Begin also by first apologising to her and giving her assurances that she hasn’t done anything to warrant your leaving her for another woman. This point is important to free her to be able to love and trust another man.
Make the reason for your choice very clear to her. Let her know that much as you would have liked to be with her, the reality of your feelings for her and your comprehension of what the marriage institution stands for make it difficult for you to continue with her. And that even if you force yourself to marry her as planned; the possibility of you giving her the type of marriage and life she deserves to be completely happy as a woman is nil, because the inherent joy and peace she needs to function in your life and home would never be there from your end.
She may not readily understand and appreciate what you are trying to pass on to her, but overtime when the pains of what appears now to be betrayal subsides, she would be glad you took the bold decision to leave her.
To make sure you are heading for a peaceful and happy marriage with this other woman, there is still the need to further subject your choice to the approval of God through fervent prayers because there is more to getting married and remaining married.
Good luck.
Help! My husband is very stingy
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money, always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money.
The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work too and that since I don’t spend my money on his children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family.
Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment.
I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so.
A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more treating his mother. When I pointed out his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will (being her only child).
I can go on citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law.
The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house.
I feel I am entitled more than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me.
Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members.
Chy.
Dear Chy,
Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than his person. By the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything, his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death.
Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise that, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage.
If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you through their stories every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands.
Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home.
Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons?
Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would.
Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes.
It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities.
Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage.
Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you.
You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do?
Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring.
Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret, complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real.
Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It’s either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong.
If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues.
There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes.
Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is the stingiest man on earth. He never likes to part with money, always complaining of not having anything even when I know he has money.
The only time he willingly brings money is when it concerns his children and mother. There is no time I ask him for money that he cheerfully gives me. His excuse is that I work too and that since I don’t spend my money on his children and home, I should at least spend it on myself and extended family.
Early this year, my mother took ill and I needed money urgently to pay her medical bills. I needed about N60,000 to make up the balance of the money needed for her treatment.
I went to my husband to give me the money. Rather than give me all the money, he gave me N45,000 and said I should make up the difference. I felt bad and told him so.
A month later, his mother too took ill and he spent more treating his mother. When I pointed out his double standards to him, he told me that his mother has nowhere to go and that if he doesn’t provide her with the money, nobody will (being her only child).
I can go on citing different instances. I am really tired of it all. What is the need of being married? Isn’t the man supposed to care for his wife and her family? He keeps reminding me that he alone cannot shoulder the challenges of my family since he isn’t the only son-in-law.
The reason for my writing is for you to help me deal with this issue. Of what essence is marriage if I have to take care of myself? I am really getting fed up as well as the fact that he is treating me badly in his house.
I feel I am entitled more than his mother to his wealth afterall, I contributed to whatever he is. If I were his girlfriend, would he not spend money on me? My friends describe his attitude as pure selfishness and wickedness. I totally agree with them because he is simply being wicked to me.
Please tell me how to make him listen to me as well as get him to spend on me and my family members.
Chy.
Dear Chy,
Be careful else, you give the impression that you are more interested in your husband’s money than his person. By the time this impression is created, you will have a hell of a time trying to erase it from his memory. As a matter of fact, you stand losing everything, his trust, love and confidence in your ability to manage his family at his death.
Greed is a very dangerous thing. Every marriage works on the foundation of contentment. The moment you begin to crave for someone else’s piece of cake, you risk losing the value and goodness of what you have. This man and his ways have become your cross. Those friends of yours also have issues they are coping with in their marriages and the earlier you realise that, the better for you. He is your husband, not the husband of your friends so they cannot appreciate the issues involved in your marriage.
If they are good friends, they should have shared the minus side of their marriages to help you come to a better understanding that no marriage is perfect. They are supposed to give you through their stories every encouragement to stay and not call your husband names they cannot call their own husbands.
Honestly, there is the need for you to exercise caution and patience in this matter. It is also in your interest to stop discussing the person and nature of your husband with friends to avoid negative influence from those who don’t have your experience or are out to bring down your home.
Besides, it isn’t in your interest or that of your marriage to have your friends disrespect the person of your husband. By the time you sort out your differences with him, how do you make your friends change their opinion of him? How do you re-purchase his respect back from your friends who in turn would have told one or two more persons?
Friends can be very dangerous because people have different motives for getting close. If the motive of any of these friends is to bring you down, you have unwittingly armed them with a weapon to cause you pains for life. No issue in your marriage is worth anybody calling your husband the names your friends have called him. Frankly, you have not acted wisely. If you don’t learn to value your husband and father of your children, no one would.
Besides, if you care to look around, you will discover that you are luckier than most women who are married today. All your husband is asking is for you to spend what you earn on your family as well as yourself. Other women in addition to what your husband is asking you to do, pay their children’s school fees as well as provide the food and rents of their homes.
It isn’t as if their husbands are not working or don’t have money to give, they simply have refused to live up to their responsibilities.
Learn to be grateful for little mercies by accepting your husband for who he is. It is the first step in being happy in your marriage.
Don’t try looking at another person’s marriage; instead focus your attention to his good sides and learn to relay your appreciation to him for being good to the children and you.
You may think he isn’t doing enough but if you are like those other women whose husbands have the money but refuse to provide for their families, what would you do?
Marriage is a journey of sacrifices. If your money isn’t enough for you and your family, what makes you think he has enough for everyone? The fact that he is a man doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds. Like you, his resources too are limited and if it comes from one source, salary, it follows that he has to plan properly. He is only being realistic to tell you what he can afford rather than make empty promises he has no intention of honouring.
Rather than complain, you should take time out to find out his actual financial position with a view of knowing how to help the family grow. Sometimes we fret, complain over something we lack knowledge of. You may just be judging your husband on something that isn’t real.
Communication remains the key to better understanding in a union. Couples often make the mistake of claiming to know everything about their partners when in fact they don’t. You can only appreciate your husband based on what you know. A man who cares for his children and home cannot be said to be irresponsible. It’s either he doesn’t have enough to go round or your attitude is all wrong.
If you make it mandatory for him to care for your parents and family, chances are he may not. You must know the nature of a person to get the best from that person. Obviously you haven’t really taken time out to study the nature of your man. Once you do, you will know how best to approach him on certain issues.
There is no man who will not part with something if his wife is kind, respectful, understanding and supportive. If he has a girlfriend, check what you are doing wrong in your marriage. Sometimes the attitude of many women is the reason some men actually look outside their homes.
Learn to be respectful, humble at all times as well as prayerful to get the best out of your man.
Good luck.
My hubby wants me in trousers, jewellery
With Auntie Agatha , gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwares.
These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughtout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself.
We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days.
I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been.
I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine.
He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like.
I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me?
I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant.
What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says?
Yeniola.
Dear Yeniola,
The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head.
From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution.
Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband.
Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God.
Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife?
As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home?
One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you.
The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing.
To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling.
Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself.
If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers.
The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you?
If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband.
As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours.
Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil?
The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator.
No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home.
The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive.
Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women.
Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with.
Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things.
Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Please I need your help urgently. My husband who professes to be a christian, as a matter of fact, an assistant pastor, wants me to wear trousers, body hugging clothes, jewellery, sexy blouses, perm my hairs as well as wear trendy underwares.
These things are against my beliefs because I grew up in a home where these things are forbidden. My parents were members of the Scripture Union. Throughtout my university days, I resisted the temptation to follow trends because my father from an early age told me that only wayward women put on trousers or wear jewellery. He said these things were from the devil, specifically the water spirit herself.
We got married three years ago and I have noticed that he isn’t always comfortable with me. I married him because I thought he actually liked me the way I am, but I am beginning to doubt that these days.
I know that while we were dating, he made attempts to persuade me to change my way of dressing, but soon gave up when I told him I wasn’t ready to change from what I have always been.
I really thought he was okay by my explanation and was really glad when he became an assistant pastor. But now, I am not so sure. I have also noticed that he is keeping his distance from me these days, seems to prefer the company of other people than mine.
He also complains about everything I do these days, including dressing our daughter in clothes he doesn’t like.
I love him more than anything else in the world, but I cannot change from who I have always been. I am 32 years of age. I consider myself too old to make that change he wants me to make. Besides, how do I explain to my friends from my youth and family the new me?
I have tried everything I know to make him change but he is being so unreasonable and adamant.
What do I do, Agatha? The Bible says it is wrong for a woman to wear trousers, do I obey my husband or stick to what the Bible says?
Yeniola.
Dear Yeniola,
The Bible calls the man the head of the home and mandates the woman to give him every respect and support deserving of his position. The Bible conceives the man as the crown of the woman therefore it follows she must do everything within her power to ensure it stays firm and well balanced on her head.
From Genesis to Revelation, obedience remains the bond of relationship between God and man. It remains the number one commandment that is why God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Without it, no organisation in the world would work, especially the marriage institution.
Everywhere in the world, the different doctrines and religions preach the man as being the head of the home; hence his words and desires are laws. No matter the position a woman occupies or her family background, the law of God and man demands total submission to the wishes of her husband.
Therefore, your father’s laws or his desires cannot override that of your husband whose name you now answer to. If you cannot respect your husband, the man God has ordained to be your crown, it follows you cannot honour God. It is a simple case of outright disobedience to the ways and directives of God.
Coming down to simple logic, who is asking you to change your ways? Is it not the man who married you, the one man you swore to before God and man, to honour, respect, obey, love all the days of your life? Who will you be wearing those clothes for, he or other men? Why did you get married? And what were you told to do to have a happy and fulfilled home by your parents? Did your father or mother tell you at any point in your life that you should disobey your husband? Deep down, do you think your mother would have lasted the length of time in your father’s house were she a disobedient wife?
As a pastor’s wife, how would you handle this kind of issue if a female member of the church comes to you for help? Would you ask her to ignore the wishes of her husband or listen to him to protect her home?
One other point you should consider is how you would feel in the long run, if your husband decides to look another woman’s way. Don’t think being an assistant pastor stops him from feeling all the things other men feel or going through temptations. If prominent men of God have fallen to the lure women represent, there is limit to what he can do without help from you.
The first help he is asking you is to help him fight the pull of the flesh by dressing attractively. Your husband knows his own weak points and is asking, appealing to you as his wife to help him fight it by meeting him half way through your way of dressing.
To understand his reason better, make an unscheduled visit to his counselling class or that of any young and attractive pastor to appreciate the daily temptations the men of God are exposed to. Those things he is asking you to wear are Victorian compared to what some women wear for deliverance or counselling.
Understand one thing, he is first of all a man before being a pastor. There is no way he can be under annointing for 24 hours. It takes only a second to surrender to the bait of a calculating woman. Once that second happens, the mess may take forever to erase. I am sure you would rather do as your husband says than to have another woman entice your husband to herself.
If he sees women in trousers, he would think nothing of another woman wearing trousers. He may not notice because back home, his wife wears it. He will not need to imagine what it will be like to have a wife who wears it or think it anything special for a woman to be in trousers.
The clear implication of you disobeying him is that he maybe forced into the hands of another woman, one willing to do what he wants. And where will that leave you?
If there is any repercussion from what he is asking you to do, it is between him and the God he serves, not you because you are following the laid down rules of God; obeying your husband.
As for what your family or friends from your past would say, it isn’t their business. You are now a grown woman, responsible to your husband and yourself. If your husband isn’t comfortable with the kinds of clothes you are wearing, it behoves you to do what you have to do, to keep your marriage going under. Anybody who queries you for doing what everywoman does to protect her marriage is no friend of yours.
Besides, my Bible tells me that God created everything in heaven and earth. Therefore the logic that gold comes from devil, a creation of God, cannot hold water. Gold is precious and one of the ornaments the Book of Revelations says is used in abundance in heaven. So how can gold and other precious stones then come from the devil?
The only thing is for us not to worship the ornament more than the Creator.
No matter what you do, put the interest of your home and desires of your husband. Your father ran his home the way he wanted and liked, allow your husband do the same for his home.
The greatest pains that can befall a woman is to be pushed out of her home by another woman her husband finds more attractive.
Honestly, you are a very lucky woman because your husband is honest enough to tell you what he wants. No everyman has the boldness and forthrightness to be so explicit about what he wants. This is why many men go outside their homes to begin affairs with women, who come close to their dream women.
Marriage is a journey of compromises and sacrifices. Both of you must find a common ground to move your marriage forward. You must do away with certain things from your past because you now have a new leader whose rules are different from the one your father brought you up with.
Obedience is the only thing that brings comfort zone in a marriage. Obey him first and complain about the aspects you don’t like later. The fact that you are willing to do as he says will make him listen to whatever complains you may have against one or two things.
Always stay close to God if you want your marriage to go a long way.
Good luck.
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