Doubt her sincerity to care for my son…

Dear Agatha,

I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. 

I had an affair with my friend’s young sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock so I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life.

Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled.

My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister, I could always count on his support.

Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage.

My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her a friend if nothing else.

I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the househelp. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her but she told them to mind her business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure.However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked.

No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisting on taking the child with her to California.

My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. 

At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally.

To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life.

Please help me. I am 39 years of age.

Henry.

Dear Henry, 

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person?

Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not?

If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, some she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions: that a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you?

You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. 

Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that, you discuss such an issue with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. 

How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him?
To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. 

Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child.

She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country.

More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex.

She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. 

Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex wife with a child/children represent for the new woman.

If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Second guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. 

You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. 

Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions because they mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know maybe impossible. 

Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings.

Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about.

Above all learn to pray yourself into success always.

Good luck.

Are you sure real love is not an illusion?

Dear Peter, 

Without love, there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love. 

Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends. 

What the different are however the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.

Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.

The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you. Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others. 

For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.

There is no way love can make it if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion, in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all the person must understand why God created love.God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically. 

This is the mystery of love, why we love a particular person and prefers to be friends with another kind of person. 

Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations, He gave love to help us relax, shape the world and improve on our environment. 

When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.

Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible. 

There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them. 

This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it. 

If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way. 

To help you appreciate love, first look at what you totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals were superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attracts like minds.

Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.

Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.  Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.

Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in golden wrapper. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real from who’s fake.

Good luck. 

He sounds too nice to be real…

Deasr  Agatha,

I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a 20-year-old guy. The guy lives in Onitsha. We daily talk on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls me to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do. 

Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.

Confused Teenager.

Dear Confused Teenager, 

This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life. 

A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item; he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to do behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.

Besides this is the obvious thing, what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him. This could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.

And for love to be firmly established, there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate whom a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?

What kind of hygiene does he have as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual. 

For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly develop the trick of sweet, talking a woman into his bed.

When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened. So be very careful where you go with him.

Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.

Good luck. 

Her reassuring love needs practical action…

Dear Agatha, 

I appreciate you. There is this problem I have tried to contain within myself. I have proposed to this lady in my life but whom I discover is rather secretive with information. This constantly makes me wonder if she has something to hide. 

We have known each other since 2000 but she is in Liberia. I asked her what course she is reading in school, she didn’t say; what she is doing to fund her studies, she is also not saying anything. She was in Nigeria before she went to Liberia in 2006.

I also demanded to know what she is doing with my marriage proposal, also met a resounding sound of silence from her. I asked her to send me her recent photographs and she also didn’t respond to this request and appears reluctant to oblige me anything. 

But she keeps calling me and assuring me of her love, and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says her destiny is in my hands. But I am very worried at her reluctance to give me details of her life in Liberia.

What do I do?

BJ.

Dear BJ, 

Are you in the first place serious about your proposal to this lady? Are you sure you are in love with her at all? A man’s heart is where his treasures are. In her shoes any woman would do same. You haven’t seen the woman you want to marry since 2006, and you haven’t made any attempt to look for her?

Liberia isn’t outside the continent that you cannot save towards going to spend time with her. Even if it is, if you are truly determined to find answers to your questions, you would have long saved towards going to wherever she is to see for yourself. Even if this woman trusts you, what about her family members and friends who all would at one time or the other asked her what kind of man would leave his woman for that long and not bother to find out if all is well with her?

If she is refusing to answer all your questions concerning her well being as well as the sponsorship of her education, it is only because you have not acted like a man serious about his proposal to settle down with her.  Ideally, shouldn’t you be sending something to her, no matter how merger? You have been dating a woman for 10 years without making the effort to know her parents or some of her family members? For four years, she has been away to a foreign land, not far from where you stay you are contented with only telephone conversations? You don’t even know what she does for a living or the kind of course she is reading? 

What if she has changed from the woman you know? What if she is lying to you about being in the university or other things about her new life? For a man who wants to marry her, you haven’t even started at all or demonstrated any kind of serious commitment to her.

Your attitude certainly calls to question your understanding of what you actually want from this woman and life generally. Are you saying there has been no other woman for you in the last four years? Can you sincerely answer that question? There is no way this lady can ever trust you when you haven’t shown a thirst for her presence in your life. 

If you really want answers, go and visit her in Liberia. Make the determination to transit your relationship from its current telephone-pal status to something more realistic. Honestly, no matter your financial status, if you are really resolute about seeing her, you will in no time save enough money to pay your bills to and fro Liberia. Being a 
West African country, you don’t need a visa to visit for a few days. 

Your presence in that country would solve a lot of issues between the two of you. One, it would give you answers to your questions and also solve some of her own puzzles about you. 

As a woman, she may have taken some decisions based on your attitude, which your effort at coming to see her would help nullify. 

Relationship is like a flower: without manure, attention and care, it will die a natural death. Four years is a long time to leave a woman without showing care, concern, attention and support. You both will be guided as to what steps you should take by the time the visit is over. 

Good luck.