Dear Agatha,
I am addicted to your column and I must commend you for the good work.
I am in my mid 30s, married for six years with two lovely children. The reason I am writing has to do with our sexual desire and sex life as a couple.
We both enjoy foreplay and on my part I always strive to make her sexually comfortable, at least from the response of her body language during sex and from the few words she says, I know she is impressed.
However, I am bothered that this is a one-way thing. My wife prefers to lie back while I do all the work. She refuses to participate in the process. I have tried in many ways including complaining to her that foreplay is integral to my ultimate sexual pleasure, sometimes pulling her hand to touch and feel me.
I have at several times told her how it is for me and how she can help me reach my peak, but none of my efforts have worked.
All I get from my effort is an apology over her shortcoming and promises to make amends but forgets immediately we are back to the act. At first I thought she usually gets carried away when I am trying to arouse her for pleasure and in the process forgets the need for her to reciprocate the gesture but I am now very convinced that she just can’t be bothered about my feelings at all.
I say this because on those days she really craves for it and I am not engaged in other things, she does extraordinary things to bring me on the same page with her. On such occasions, she simply blows my mind with imaginative foreplay.
Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue and for me the idea of having an extramarital affair is out of it totally because I can’t handle it. I do really need your advice.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
I understand your frustration because there is no substitute for quality sex for a married couple. It is a gift specifically created by God to help keep the mechanical wheel of marriage constantly lubricated. And it could be exasperating when one of the pair in the marriage is feeling cheated of this pleasure.
Having severally drawn her attention to the issue and failing to get a positive response from her, you may have to use subtle blackmail of your own having established the fact that it isn’t as if she is adverse to touching your body or lacks the knowledge of foreplay.
But not before drawing her attention to her attitude. Ask her why she goes all out to elicit your response when she is the one desirous of it and lays dormant when you are the one who wants the pleasure of her body. Make her realise that this attitude is giving you concern because it presents her as being selfish and unconcerned about your rights too to have as much fun as she is having from the marriage. If she refuses to act on this, you also reserve the right to use whatever means to ensure she appreciates that you also have water and blood running in your veins.
Having established the fact of her extraordinary prowess of the act on those days you are not up to it, why not enjoy the pleasure of making her do the work by pretending on most days not to be in the mood. We women are experts at not being in the mood when we have one or two points against our husbands. There is no law that prevents the man too from using sex as a weapon to enforce his rights at home. It is a game we women have perfected over the years and which get men doing what we want in exchange for the pleasure of our bodies. Take it from me it works because sex, being an animalistic urge is blind to reason at the critical stage hence approval to any request comes without thought or argument.
Having noticed she performs at her premium best, get her to kick-start the process before you key into it. This way, without you complaining, you get her to give you the type of pleasure you want before helping her to realise hers.
However, it is absolutely important you don’t forget what the motive is because that could lead to series of other problems in the marriage. The motive is to ensure you both achieve extraordinary heights in your relationship to prevent you, especially out of frustration, from having an extramarital affair and not to humiliate or punish her for her attitude towards your desire all these years. To do that would be to destroy your marriage as well as the trust you have both built into making it stand for the six years being married to each other.
The idea is actually to get her to want you so much and do things she normally would not do to and with your body. Because of the added pleasure that awaits her, she would soon realise that she has been shortchanging herself by refusing your full participation in the process.
This means that on your part, you must also be ready to add more imagination, incentives as well as abandonment only married couples can give to each other to make her want to continue on that path. Once she is hooked, she would not want it any other way than this one and would certainly make your marriage stronger.
Some of the issues we classify as high tension in marriages, which more often than not lead to very unmanageable problems, can be resolved with the right amount of wisdom. Besides, there is nothing prayers cannot do since you stand on every legal and spiritual grounds to seek the face of God on this matter.
I am glad you are not into the idea of extramarital affairs because it would only destroy the home, whereas turning the tables against her would make her do what you want without her realising the game you are playing.
In addition, help the process of melting her by taking her out, bringing back some of the romantic memories of the yester-years and making her want you in that special way a woman wants the most important man in her life.
In matters like this, getting angry won’t solve any problem at all, it would rather make it difficult for both of you to focus on the solution to it.
Good luck.
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