Both HIV positive, but he makes our love deal awry

Dear Agatha, 

I am a woman living with HIV. I have turned down many offers for marriage because of this. I have been unable to open up to any of the suitors coming my way. However, A concerned counsellor introduced me to a man also of the same status. He is 36 while I am 34. The idea was for us to see if we could have a life together as husband and wife. 

The relationship started well and I had reasons to think that he could just be the one. I played my part to ensure the success of the relationship. Somehow along the line, he became verbally and emotionally abusive. He would use unhealthy words and speak to me in very harsh tones. When I made a recap of the relationship, I realised it was no longer in sync with my idea of having a happy life and a happy death. I told him that it seems the relationship was not working that we should let it be -that it has probably served its purpose, but he wasn’t ready to let go. To my surprise, he promised to make amends, and because of the strong emotions I have for him too, I stayed back.

The relationship has gradually settled, but I must say that it is indeed unhealthy in my estimation. For almost a year that we have been dating, I have never received a single gift of whatever kind from him. I felt so starved at a point that I asked him to buy me a flower, only for him to ask me what I need it for. He never bought one for me. Eventually, I had to buy one for myself. 

He comes to my house, making demands on the kind of food he wants me to prepare for him. In fact, sometimes he does it ahead telling me the next time he comes he would like a particular food. Initially, I enjoyed cooking for him and all that, but he had never for once reciprocated even to buy fruits on his way to my house. He does not even appreciate my efforts, rather he would always complain of something that is not exactly right. He is highly temperamental and comes to me with all the frustrations he had encountered during the day and pours them on me. From the look of things, it is only a matter of time before he starts laying his fingers on me. 

I am so unhappy in the relationship right now, yet I have lost the power to call it quit. I no longer have a picture of the two of us beyond the present moment. I am beginning to lose my charm, charisma and confidence. Yet, I feel so trapped, unable to quit.

I sincerely need your advice.

Michelle.

Dear Michelle,

Why do you feel so helpless and unable to walk away from this relationship? Is it fear of finding a replacement for him? The worry of having to expose your status to another man who may end up running away from you once he gets to know your medical history? Is it that you are feeling sorry for yourself, blaming your status for the situation you are in and how life would have been different if you were negative? Why have you lost your will power? 

If these are your worries, perish the thoughts because there are very good men out there who wouldn’t worry one bit about your medical history if only you are willing to confide in them and trust them to love you for yourself. The truth about life is that nobody would pull us out of a situation if we were unwilling to help ourselves first. You must be bold, willing to be helped and develop the enabling trust in the person offering to help you to get out of your present predicament.

You must also stop feeling sorry for yourself because out there are millions of people you are better off. Sincerely you have no reason to be unhappy because you are alive and worthy in the sight of God and those who sincerely love you.

Whether you like it or not, you are in this quandary because you have unwittingly placed limitations on yourself. That you are positive doesn’t make you less than a woman or lacking in your God given right to be happy. Gone are the days when HIV was associated with promiscuity or a death sentence. People are better educated on it now and with daily advancement in modern medicine, can managed more effectively just like malaria. 

This man is taking advantage of you because he thinks you are limited in your choices and that he is doing you a favour by being in your life. You don’t have to condone it, because out there is a man waiting for a woman like you. To stay is to debit yourself and cut off your own happiness. 

If in this early stage he is already manifesting so much violence, what would become of the union as the days role by? All the time, God have His ways of protecting us from our own follies. You would only be compounding and compromising your health by staying longer than necessary in this relationship. 

It is very obvious that he neither has true inkling into your kind of person nor do you have an idea into what makes him happy. Circumstances forced you into this relationship; you would be wise not to allow the same circumstances rob you of your sense of value and dignity as a woman. You need a man who is sensitive and romantic in your life, not one who would scoff at the things that give you happiness. Only a man truly in love with you would understand what it takes to make you happy. 

Gently tell him you have had enough of him and that you would need space to think properly on the way forward. Don’t place limitations that God hasn’t placed on you by enduring an unhappy situation. God that created you made adequate provisions for your welfare and happiness. Don’t shortchange yourself by playing God in a matter you have no say in. This is the time you need Him the most, so key into His plans for you concerning matrimony by praying. 

The number of years you spend on earth is determined by the quality of happiness you allow to come into your life. This man isn’t worth giving up your own well-being and happiness for. Always remember there is always a silver lining at the end of each tunnel.

If you are worried at being alone in the early days of you separating from him, think of the long time emotional torture you would be courting if you elect to stay in this obviously unbalanced relationship?

From the tone of your letter, it appears you don’t have too many friends hence your desperation to be married at all cost. Life doesn’t work that way. Whatever may have informed your reason, accept the fact that no man is an island. At one time or the other, we come across situations in our lives when we would need a dependable friend to lean on. 

This is that time to draw strength from a good friend. You need this friend to help you focus on the important things in life. The important lesson here is not to rush into any relationship no matter how desirable it appears. 

You don’t have a problem to make you want to rush into anything. Relax and first get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with by being friends with the next man that shows interest in you.  Find out if you are both on the same wavelength beyond the issue of wanting to get married at all cost. Giving yourselves the opportunity of discussing first as friends would take care of this kind of disappointments you are currently passing through. 

Importantly, don’t embark on something you know you cannot finish. You made a vital mistake by consistently tolerating the things you find irritating from the beginning. While there is nothing bad in you using your money to cook for him, he must also show a willingness to contribute to the union. 

Cherish every moment God gives you to be alive and make the best use of it. 

Good luck. 

Betrothed, uneducated…now carrying my baby

Dear Agatha, 

I read the mail published on August 18 by worried Kenneth and your response. The way you handled the issue is impressive and shows an intelligent understanding of matters pertaining to relationships. 

I have a very similar problem. I fell in love with a girl who went through secondary school but doesn’t know how to read and write. Needless to say, she didn’t pass her Senior Secondary Certificate Examinations. 

When she gave birth to my daughter and I promised to marry her. However where we are having problem is on the issue of family.

Unknown to me, before we met, she was at an early age, betrothed by her family to a man of their choice but whom she rejected when she came of age.  Irrespective of her feelings, the family is committed to their promise to the other man. She didn’t tell me any of these things when we met until she became pregnant. When my family got to know, asked me to leave her but due to the love I have for her and that she is pregnant for me coupled with the fact that her parents are now dead, I decided to stay on until she gives birth. 

For over three years we have known each other, I have never regretted knowing her. She understands me very well but my fear is that the man in question is still single. Please help me. 

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

I sincerely don’t understand what kind of help you want because your case is a straightforward one. You have no business with the man. Your woman doesn’t have anything to do with the man too. Her parents who agreed with the man are dead. That the man is still single is his choice, not because there are no other women he can marry. 

Your wife knew nothing about the agreement her parents entered into on her behalf, because at the time they did she was still a minor. It would have been a different case, if she went into the agreement of her own freewill and let him high and dry when she met you. She didn’t do it because of you. She had turned him down long before she met you. The parents and not your wife are the ones who had an arrangement with the man. She cannot be held responsible under the laws of the land for the agreement entered into by her parents. They are the ones who collected things from him, if he gave them anything in the first place. 

But to be doubly sure that there is no outstanding debt her parents owe this man on account of the agreement they entered into on her behalf, let her go with him in company of an elder in her paternal family to refund whatever is outstanding to cut of any spiritual covenant her parents entered into with the man on her behalf. The idea is to cut off whatever spiritual rights the man may be exercising in anger over her.

Beyond this, marriage is a personal thing. The laws of our land don’t give parents the right to marry off their minor daughters to men of their own choice.  Marriage is her right, the choice hers to make because she is the one who would have to live, endure, tolerate and make the sacrifices to make it work. Marriage is a very personal thing. The only way you can lose her is if you become cruel, irresponsible and lacking in respect for her.  The other man’s marital status isn’t your business or that of your woman.  What should be of concern to you is the baby on the way, how you are going to care for your wife and child. 

Much as it is desirable to get your parents on your side, don’t force them. Allow time embedded in the character of your woman do it for you. If they are convinced that she is as good as you say, they will eventually come to see her as a good wife. 

On the issue of her lack of quality education, there is no end to learning age. She can still sit for her O’level through the General Certificate of Examination. All she needs is determination that applies to everything in life. Once there is a will, there will always be a way. If you are not ashamed of her and willing to give her all the support to succeed, she will be able to overcome her limitations. We all need little encouragement in life to go the extra mile. 

However, you both must learn to commit your journey together in life to God who sees and knows all things. Listen constantly to Him, give in to His Will at all times because marriage is a journey of tolerance, patience, loyalty and faith in the God that brought the two of you together. 

Good luck. 

She’s bad tempered, threatens to break relationship

Dear Agatha,
As a regular reader of your column, I have been inspired by your great ability in solving relationship problems. I am currently a 23-year-old undergraduate and have been dating my girlfriend for almost six years. 

One thing I noticed about her is that she is rather a hard-headed girl who neither complies nor compromises whenever we have squabbles. Almost every time she would insist that I am at fault and I would have to be the so-called bad guy to plead for her forgiveness even though I feel pretty much obligated deep down in my heart. We have been trying to solve this issue peacefully and I have been working hard to let her know my feeling, but I get so disappointed at the end of the day because she just wouldn’t comply. What’s more heart-aching is the fact that she likes to use the term “breaking up” almost every time we quarrel even if it is just a small matter.
On top of that, she is short-tempered over little things. Personally I don’t mind the fact that she gets angry at me but the frequency at which she does it is beginning to bother me. She knows her greatest weapon to conquer me is her anger and because of this she is using it to the fullest. It makes me feel so hen-pecked to succumb to this rule of either she’s right or we break up. Seriously, I just can’t accept the latter because she means so much for me. But I don’t want to get hurt almost everyday in this relationship. I am in a serious dilemma, which I can’t share with anybody at all. I do have a family but I don’t have any best friend whom I can share with. There are some reasons I don’t want to share with my family because I don’t want them to see her in a negative light. 

Agatha, could you please advise me how to solve this issue? Thank you so much I really appreciate your time.   
David.

Dear David, 

A relationship is meant to be enjoyed. And one of the ingredients for its fulfillment as well as enjoyment is respect. No matter how deep your feelings for her are, you must make her appreciate her need to respect you always. Love comes with respect for our mates as well as for ourselves.

You may think you can cope with her attitude now but a time would come when you would require more from her. No matter how much you love her, it might not be enough to erase the psychological build-up of the negative effect of her attitude towards you. No matter how elastic our feelings are, when a bad situation persists, we could break completely not minding what the consequences are at the end of the day.

To prevent a situation of irreconcilable differences between the two of you, you need to sit her down to re-map your relationship with each other. As the man in this relationship, you must begin to act your role as the head of this relationship. Allow her to escape with constant threats of leaving you is not a solution rather, you are postponing doom’s day when something in you would rebel and completely reject her attitude. 

Sometime in life, resentment would creep in from your end when family and friends begin to mock your inability to organise your home effectively. We are products and subject to the dictates of our environment. Even when we don’t want to react, something in us propels reaction at an unnatural situation we have endured for years. 

Relationship that draws strength from threats cannot survive too long. Therefore, if you really love her and don’t want her out of your life, you have to help her understand that this attitude of hers would eventually hurt her. 

However, you have to understand something of her background to know where to come in. Chances are if her mother is the strong one in her family, she may not appreciate that she is doing anything wrong. Therefore, she would need more than one discussion to make her change her mind. You have to expose her to the kind of lifestyle that would educate her more than words from you on the need to treat the heart and related affairs with more caution. If this is the case, you will require patient and dedication to make her change from what she is now to what you want her to be.

It is also a sign of insecurity. A woman that is secure in the love and warmth of her man would not need threats to beat him into line. Secured people aren’t brash, manipulative or deploy threats to have things done their way.  If this is the case, you have to help her build the required confidence in herself as well as the relationship.

Do this by helping her appreciate that misunderstanding is part of a relationship. Help her understand that dialogue and not threats is what keeps a relationship together and that when a couple has a disagreement, it isn’t necessarily a bad sign but a positive evidence of growing the relationship. 

She has to see that you are no longer comfortable with the way she is conducting herself. If for six years, you have given her all the freedom and chance to change, the time has come for her to effect a change in her attitude towards you as well as the relationship. In plain terms let her know you are fed up of being constantly under threat of her leaving you. The best way to cure her of this habit is to call her bluff when next she threatens to go. You must understand that if she truly loves you, she won’t use threat on you constantly. You have to make up your mind on what you want from life and this relationship. Don’t for the sake of fear or being broken hearted continue to endure a situation you are not happy with especially as you would have to live with for the rest of your life with the decision you take now.  If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive, if not give God all the glory because He sees and knows what we don’t know.

Good luck. 

I’m lonely, want to remarry

Dear Agatha, 

I am in my late 40s. I am divorced with three children. I really crave to remarry because I simply cannot cope with being alone anymore. It got to a stage I started dating a man younger than I am, who incidentally is married, to fulfil my emotional yearnings as a woman. 

The night times are the worst. I have been divorced for five years yet find it difficult to live without the presence of a man in my life. For the sake of my children, I don’t want to sleep around hence my desire to remarry. I don’t want to break this other woman’s house hence my agreeing to marry this man who is also a divorcee. He is in his late 50s and has been divorced for almost a decade now. We were happy together until we brought our plans to marry to the attention of the leadership of the church. 

First it was the elders of the church who protested our desire to marry. Then the pastors who said it is against the standards of God. Even though some pastors feel we are old enough to be given the freedom to do as we please, the majority think we are going against the laws of God.

There is nothing we haven’t done to persuade the leadership of the church to allow us be but they are insisting we cannot marry because we still belong to others. The fact that our ex-spouses are married to other people and are having children appear not to hold any water with them.

I have been threatened to be relieved of my duties in church if I don’t drop the idea of remarrying. I know of some of these elders who claim to be married but are engaged in affairs.

I don’t want to pretend to be who I am not. I want to be happy and very honest about the kind of life I live. Already we live as man and wife. Our children are together and sincerely I find so much peace, the kind I never had with any man.

We have the support of our families, who have met and agreed on a date at the end of this month. But I don’t want to pretend at all hence my desire to have the marriage blessed in the church. Our children think we should change church if they don’t want us to be happy.

Agatha, please help me. Do we get married and forget about doing anything in the church or continue to function as an item while waiting for the church to make up its mind?

I am currently frustrated as I don’t know how to move forward. Even though my man has made up his mind to move ahead with our arrangements as well as call the bluff of the church, I am still hoping for an amiable settlement. I didn’t enjoy my first marriage, which was symbolized by violence, wickedness, as well as unhealthy intrigues between my in-laws, husband and I. 

What do you think?

Ibiyemi.

Dear Ibiyemi,

 

You are the one who knows what you are going through and acutely aware of your limitations as a human being. No matter what others say or do, you and your man have the final say on how you want your life to be shaped. It is a good thing you want to be honest about your own life. These people asking you to stay single don’t know how lonely you can get or how unfulfilled you are when they are with their spouses and you have to go home alone or the guilt of sleeping with another woman’s man. You are the only one who understands all the cocktails of emotional feelings you daily go through living your life without a vital part of you. 

Anybody who has been through the challenges of marriage knows how difficult and complicated the journey can be. Most times the packaging is the only attraction. To the pains and disappointment of many, the contents of that beautifully wrapped package is so ugly and unmanageable that they end up with regrets from the wee hours of the marriage.

At your age, you are more than old enough to determine what works for you. Granted, the Bible frowns at divorce, but the same Bible makes us understand that one is free if he or she married as an unbeliever. Besides, the Bible is full of wisdom. Nobody has the knowledge of God like God Himself. He sees and knows so many things we don’t know. His ways, He says, are not ours. From experience of life, the things we condemn the most end up being the wisest thing to do. If your various partners have gone ahead to seek happiness in the arms of other people, rather than soil your name and hands in immorality, please go ahead and do what is right. You are an adult used to having sex on demand; understandably, it won’t be easy for you especially if you never could get enough of it. Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty or worthless spiritually simply because you refuse to play the ostrich like the others. It is your life and you have a right to be happy.

There are marriages that can be endured; there are some that cannot be endured. Only the living marry. You have to be alive, hale and hearty to give joy. When a marriage is laced with violence and wickedness anything can happen, including death. So many persons, especially women who could have been alive today but were told to endure very bad situations in their marriages, died in the process of doing the right thing in the eyes of the world.

Best to ignore what others are doing or saying and do whatever it is that makes you happy provided it keeps you morally upright. It is best to be married to your own man than to sleep around with other women’s husbands. If caught, the same people who are today insisting you shouldn’t marry would be the first to condemn your actions and would by then ask you why you didn’t consider remarrying. 

At your ages, you don’t owe anybody except God an apology for your decisions. God doesn’t want any of His children living in pains or immorality and that is why he made us in pairs. He knows the chemical contents in our bodies and that from time to time, we have to diffuse the potency of the chemical. 

Trust me, you are better than those others who claim to be married, sleep around and still sit in judgment over the affairs of others.

Rather than waste precious time pondering on what you have obviously made up your mind to do, concentrate on knowing more about this man. Do you see him giving the happiness you lacked in your previous union? The worst kind of thing that can happen to anyone is to walk into a second marriage of mistakes and regrets. Make sure this man respects you and is responsible enough to allow your children be. At this stage in your life, your companion must be your best friend, supporter and cheerleader. Ensure you and this man have the right ingredients to walk together for the rest of your life. The middle age crisis can be as messy as the early stage without you two sitting down to first discuss the mistake you each made in your first attempts, allowing the resentment of yesteryears fade away completely. Setting an agenda for your marriage and families, discussing the ground rules for your sets of children and resolving to make the sacrifices that must be made to protect this marriage, are things you must do to make your attempts worthwhile.

Importantly, don’t ever leave the presence of God whatever hassles you are going through. Submit each day to God through prayers. It is the only way to win a battle without regrets.

Good luck.