I’m in love with a rich single mother…

Dear Agatha,

There is this woman in my neighbourhood that I have secretly admired for several years, but lacked the courage to tell her. She is single mother of a lovely boy and appears successful. Since coming to that area about six years ago, I have never seen any man with her. Yet she is friendly, respectful and keeps so much to herself.

I really don’t know how to approach her and how to convince her that I am really interested in her and not her money. Since she lives in a three-bedroom house drives a new car; I live in a two-bedroom house with a weather beaten car. 

My fear has always been whether she won’t think I am a gold digger? Planting on reaping where I didn’t sow? I really love this woman but am so scared of what she would say to me or how to even approach and introduce the matter to her even though we are friends. We have exchanged occasional visits especially when she has to come and get her son who likes to keep me company whenever I am around.

I am 34 years of age and she is 32 years old.

Innocent.

Dear Innocent, 

People would always talk about others, so it isn’t a reason for you not to approach the woman you have come to love. The only issue here is your motive for wanting her in your life. Are you really interested in her as a woman or for the fact that she appears comfortable? Often time, we are bothered about what people would say because we either give too much time to the importance of what others think of us or their thoughts are precisely what we secretly intend. If you are planning on being with her for the sake of her money or affluence, it shouldn’t bother you what anyone says. If your love for her is real, anybody can say anything they feel like saying, provided you know what you want.

Therefore your motive must be clear to you from the onset to prevent ruining whatever chance you both have of being good friends. 

To get this kind of woman to listen to you, you must first know what the issues with her past are. Being a single mother, someone, somewhere must have hurt her and for her to remain single means at her age it means the hurt runs very deep. There is no way she can move forward without first getting rid of the pains of the past. 

Since you have the opportunity to talk with her, why not first of all try to get her to open up on her past? Get her to talk about the father of her son, were they married or was he born outside wedlock? 

You must know the person behind the mask she has carefully built around herself. You must make the sacrifice to slice through her pains as well as the layers of dust her experiences have gathered to get to her real self.

Use the advantage of your friendship to first get her to open up to you. As a friend there are things she would tell you which she might be unwilling to discuss as a lover. Because of her past, your interest in her must go beyond her body and wealth to her comfort as a person. You must be able to make her and her son laugh, relax and hope for better days ahead. 

In addition you must give her the assurance that your interest in her includes the welfare of her son. Are you prepared to be a father to someone else’s son? In taking on this responsibility, you must be prepared to give more than emotional support to even financial contributions when the need arises. You must also be a positive influence on the child by not only showing leadership by example, but also creating time to show him how to be responsible. 

Often than not, the fear of single mothers is the kind of treatment and reactions of their would be husband to their children. Many a time, some men give the promise to be good fathers to their stepchildren but become very hostile to these children once they get married to the women. Are you strong enough emotionally to cope with the child’s father as well as your own family members who may choose to be hostile to this child? Will you not get to a point that you would see this child as another man’s child and not your problem?

Honestly, there is no marrying this woman without this child. It comes with the package hence your need to be very clear about what you want and are going into from the beginning. First and foremost, she is a mother, a factor you must always reckon with if you want her in your life.

As for telling her how you feel, once your mind is made up about her and you are sure you can cope, tell her how you feel. The worst that can happen is for her to say No! At 34, you should be used to the ways of women. 

Good luck.

Before my pregnancy for Osu claims my life…

Dear Agatha, 

My boyfriend and I graduated from the same school. He was two years ahead of me. We are both very much in love. We are from the same place; hence I thought it was right him and me to date. One thing led to another and I got pregnant. 

As a matter of fact, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was almost four months gone. In the first instance my body didn’t display any of those signs that tell a woman she is pregnant, and because I am not the regular 28-day cycle woman, I didn’t bother when my period didn’t come for three months.

Sometimes, I don’t even have menstrual period for four months and after going repeatedly to my doctor, I have come to accept it as normal with me. 

Besides it was the first time I was getting pregnant since I started having my monthly period. When I told him I was carrying his baby, he didn’t hesitate to tell me to keep the baby, and that he would inform his people to kick-start as well as fast-forward our marriage process since the pregnancy was already four months old. In our place, bride price isn’t always paid on a pregnant woman.

On our own, we had already started getting things of our own. I had even started telling my friends about our wedding when my parents called me to send the name of my boyfriend for proper investigations.

Three days after, they called to inform me that we cannot get married and that I should go and abort the pregnancy with immediate effect irrespective of how old it is. 

According to them, my boyfriend is an Osu, a group of people considered to be outcasts and forbidden by our traditions to marry freeborn.

For effect, my father, who claims to be a religious leader came all the way from Mbaise to warn me not to disgrace him or disenfranchise him from decent society by marrying into the family of outcasts. He warned that if I didn’t do something about the pregnancy, he would personally remove the child from inside of me through beating. That as his only female child, he would rather die than face the cultural embarrassment of having me marry into an Osu family.

When I tried arguing with him, he actually made good his threat and gave me the beating of my life after which he dragged me to see a doctor colleague of his to terminate the pregnancy. When told that it was not advisable for me to go through it as a result of the delicate positioning of the foetus, he told the doctor that he doesn’t care if I die in the process as long as I don’t give birth to it.

Too shock to comprehend the kind of sentiments and attitude of my father; I decided to play it cool so that he can go back to his base without causing me further emotional problems. 

Meanwhile, my boyfriend too has been receiving similar threats from my brother and cousins. They told him to leave me alone else he would regret knowing me. 

I am so confused about the whole thing. Although he has given me permission to abort the baby if I want to and go my own way to protect me against the combined attacks of my father, brother and cousins. There is no way I would abort this child or let go of the one man so caring, loving and very dedicated to me. 

Efforts by our priest to intervene on the matter have proved abortive. My father has gone beyond the point of reasoning that he doesn’t care who he tells that he would rather die than have me marry my boyfriend.

My mother is at the centre of it all. Despite having a mother’s sympathy for me, she cannot go against the wishes of her husband or her only male child if she doesn’t want to be kicked out of her husband’s life.

Agatha, please what do I do? I cannot abort this child and cannot let go of my man. Some friends have advised we relocate abroad. But my frustration has to do with my boyfriend who thinks we should stay and tackle the situation. 

Before I commit suicide over this matter please help me. I am simply too confused to think logically now. 

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady, 

The first thing is your health and that of the baby. No matter what happens ensure you don’t do anything to jeopardise your health and that of the baby. Irrespective of what your family thinks, that child is innocent and a perfect creation of God. The child represents the image of God and as long as nobody can create the minutest feature in or on that child, nobody has the right to terminate something he or she cannot create.

Your life may not mean anything to your family but your life as well as that of the child inside you means so much to God who in His wisdom knows and still allows this situation to happen. He doesn’t make mistakes.

You and your boyfriend have both made the first mistake, sleeping with each other without finding out your backgrounds as well as your cultural values. 

Had both of you done things properly, you won’t be fighting against the tide of cultural values like you are doing now. Frankly, your boyfriend doesn’t have anything to lose; rather you have more than enough to lose. As it is, your life is at stake; that of your unborn baby as well as all the future ahead. There is no way you and your father can ever get back to the same pedestal as you were before. On both sides, trust and friendship have been broken. Because of the role your father and mother are playing in all these, it would take a very long time for you to grow the kind of respect you once had for them. This is why you must avoid making more mistakes that would compromise trust, respect and the peace you both once had.

If you allow the hurt of your parents seemingly betrayal get at you, you may want to behave in a manner that would hurt them the more. For this reason, be matured about what is happening to you. Accept the blame for indiscretion in all these. Always keep this in mind that had you not slept with your boyfriend before marriage or protected yourself against pregnancy, you won’t be facing this challenge at all.

Therefore, as an expectant mother, it is your responsibility to protect the child from any harm. Don’t allow anyone to destroy you and that child, no matter the reason for it. To destroy the life of that child is to provoke the laws of God. That worse than the man made laws your family is protesting against. 

While I have no intentions of commenting on whether your father has a right to deny the love between you and your boyfriend on account of one being an outcast, he however lacks the right to make you go through abortion to suit his purpose of remaining relevant within his community.

It is not his right or that of anybody to make you go through that. This is why you must be firm and resolute in ensuring that you take responsibility for the life of this child. 

Until your parents and family members simmer-down, there may be the need for you to relocate. Time has a way of breaking down anger and making one reasons differently. As it is now, nothing much would be achieved with all parties more concerned about their image than the things that matter. As his only daughter, you have hurt him by getting pregnant outside wedlock. In a way, he too carries a grudge against you for not doing what is right. If he is religious, his anger may not just be that you are contemplating marriage to those he considers to be outcasts but the fact that you have also compromised him by the act of pregnancy. 

It would take sometime for him to really get over the twin disappointment. You are going to be a parent soon. You would soon understand the pains of a parent when a child steps out of line hence your need to remain calm and allow time to heal you all. 

As for your boyfriend, don’t get angry with him or express disappointment at his behaviour. He is hurting too, but has decided to give you the chance to decide on what you want. He knows it is the only way you both can be happy. Given the intensity of all the reactions around both of you, there may be the need for you to step down your plans to marry at least until all the parties have plenty of time to think of the consequences on your cultural values. 

You in particular must be convinced that you have enough love for your man to endure rejections by your family and friends for a long time, that until such a time your man, children and his family would be more than enough for you. 

Be sure you know what you are going into before you do so to avoid making life unbearable for this man you love so much.

Good luck. 

My faith under fire, choosing between two pastors…

Dear Agatha,

I need your counsel. I was a vibrant youth in a church situated in Oyo State some years ago. The two pastors in charge of the branch of that church were like fathers to me.

Suddenly there was rancour between the two pastors, which eventually led to the senior pastor accusing the other one of adultery. This led to the sack of the junior pastor from the church.

The matter caused a division in the church because many believed the junior pastor is a victim of the church politics. I am one of those people who think so, this I did after listening to his side of the story. Few years after I came to Lagos, I stumbled on the senior pastor at the headquarters of the church where he gave me a document to make photocopy for him. Going through the documents while making the photocopies, I discovered the pastor has been suspended over financial improprieties and that he was begging the Founder of the church to reinstate him. I made an extra copy of the documents, which I took to Oyo to show the sacked pastor who has started his own church.  

I learnt both of them reconciled about two years ago but the sacked pastor refused to return to the church. 

This year, I ran into the senior pastor again at the headquarters. He wants me to follow him to the branch in Jos where he now pastors.  

Agatha, will it not be a betrayal to the sacked pastor who if he discovers I followed the other pastor would feel bad? Will the senior pastor not tell the other pastor that I am a hypocrite? 

Please advise me.

Joshua.

Dear Joshua, 

Who is your allegiance to: God or man? What are you going to do in Jos: serve this man or to work for the propagation of the gospel of Christ? And why would the other pastor feel bad if indeed his passion is for the progress of the body of Christ?

The question is what is your motive of wanting to go to Jos? Is it for personal gains or for the glory of God? If your desire is for the service of God, if you have the time and callings, please go to wherever the Holy Spirit wants you to work irrespective of whatever anybody feels or thinks.

The only person you need to reconcile with is God. Has He asked you to go there? Is your ministry in Jos and is this man ordained to pastor you? 

Rather than worry on what the other pastor who has since started his own church would say about your going to Jos to do the bidding of God, go to God in prayers to enquire if this move of yours has His backing and anointing. Once He gives you the clearance to go, expunge from your hearts the doubts you have about the senior pastor by going to him in private to tell him how you feel about what happened between him and the other pastor while you were all in Oyo.

Since you would be working with him, there is the need for both of you, especially you, to work in complete trust and harmony. It is the only way the spirit of God can move mightily and manifest in the church you are both going to partner each other. There is no way you would be able to give your absolute if you don’t trust him or keep harbouring resentments against him. 

Urge him to tell you the real side of his story, not the side he told the entire church. Confront him with the thinking and opinions of others about the incident as well as your reluctance to go with him for fear of the same thing that happened to the other pastor happening to you. 

Let him for the first time discuss the matter with you personally. Hear him defend himself, ask more questions that you have all these years kept to yourself, ensure the matter is completely settled and erased from your memory before embarking on the journey with him if God gives His permission for you to go.

This is essential because even if you have the express permission of God, refusal on your part to let go of the memory of that incident would impede you from giving your best to the ministry. 

Once you have the divine permission, for friendship sake, go and inform the other pastor about your decision to accompany his senior colleague on a missionary journey to Jos. From his experience of God’s work, he knows that every minister of God always need someone to help nurture his or her dream. 

Hearing it from you would take care of whatever misgivings he has.

Good luck.