To Be A Good Wife

Dear Readers,

As promised we continue our discussion on the marriage institution this week.

Why does something so beautiful turn out to be so ugly as the years roll by? Why do we end up with more tears and pains than the joy we started with at the end of the day?

The answer is simple. Many times, when making the all-important choice of a partner, we limit our reasons to the immediate forgetting that the success of marriage depends more on the future.

Only a few men and women bother to look beyond the physical attributes of their partners to be. Women especially forget that it takes more than mere looks to keep a man’s interest in his home and marriage.

Women being the bedrock of their homes should wake up the cold fact that it takes more than a pretty face and sexy body to make a marriage work. It takes God’s wisdom and plenty of lessons in tolerance to turn a bad situation around.

The lessons don’t begin when a lady gets married, no; it goes back to when she is still young and in her mother’s house. Women both old and young need to refocus on their roles to make the institution work.

The era of pretences should stop. We should acknowledge once and for all that irrespective of whatever other dreams we nurse, the inordinate ambition of every woman is to end up being married. It is a thirst, which at one point in our life would never be assuaged by any means but meeting and ending up with a man of our own.

This is why some women become desperate and do all sorts of things to get hooked.

When women learn to stop playing games, the issue of working to make a marriage work would become a more serious subject in the everyday syllabus of women generally.

The fact that a woman drops her maiden name for the name of her husband means that God didn’t create man and woman to be equals so every woman should know from day one what her roles would be as a married woman.

Two captains cannot man a boat. One has to be the head while the other is a co-pilot to make things work. The marriage has the man as the head while the woman functions as the co-pilot. Her role is to provide a loyal support base to her husband. Give protection from the outside world through well thought out ideas and suggestions. Even if better than her man, never must this fact be obvious to anybody, not even the children. A good woman would do everything to protect the image, dignity and progress of her man even at her own expense. She should never maltreat her man, advertise his weaknesses to the outside world or tell anybody about his faults.

Unmasking her man in public encourages outside interference, which ultimately destroys the home. 

Men by nature are arrogant and very egoistic. So a woman in a higher position of authority than her husband must device ways to ensure the man doesn’t feel insulted by her offers to help. She has to take quality time out to study the man, know how he likes certain things done, what he feels most comfortable with so as to know how to package her offers while still making him appear to be in charge. When a woman is brash and rude in her ambiance, the tendency is for the man to begin to make up stories in his imagination about another man performing the roles he should be playing in the life of his woman.

When the man becomes suspicious, nothing the woman says makes sense anymore. He becomes violent, unreasonable and threatened. He begins to complain about almost everything and then he goes out to look for a woman who would make him feel like the man he is.

So, a woman must always have the right attitude in her marriage to make things work. A lot of things, sometimes very minor, could threaten the pride of a man or instigate his suspicion.

The right attitude constitutes showing absolute respect even when the man is misbehaving, learning to be humble and adopting a tireless patience. Yes, these things are very difficult especially when the accusations are baseless and the attitude of the man is uncalled for, but marital wisdom demands it of every woman because right from the beginning of creation, God invested the running of the home in her hands.

Besides, with the right attitude, a woman can get her man to do almost anything without him even realising it. Men by nature are babies who constantly need quality attention. The woman who plays her role of mothering them effectively earns the gold trophy of their heart and affection. She should at every point anticipate her husband’s needs as well as challenges even before he voices them.

To be a good wife, the young lady going into marriage must be ready to play the role of mother in addition to being a wife. To have next to the fairy tale happily ever after, a woman must be ready to make the necessary sacrifices from the beginning of her relationship with the man. Marriage is not idealism, it is not a dream so women should stop daydreaming and learn to focus on real issues. 

Most often than not, not only do women go into marriage with a set of ideals that are very far from reality but also insist on implementing these unworkable ideals to the detriment of the institution. When goal posts get changed at will, it causes a major disconcertment within the marriage, which in the long run could lead to a couple going their separate ways.

Therefore, a woman from the beginning must learn how to patent her marriage to suit the peculiarity of her husband’s personality.

To achieve this, a wise woman must from the very day she meets her man, begin a detailed study into his life, desires and dreams. She must make it her business to study her man like a good student a book so as to know what she is up against. The idea most women have of trying to change their men overnight is one of the high reasons marriages are collapsing day in day out.

No man can be changed with force or tricks. Change comes when respect is demonstrated. So, a woman must never marry a man, no matter how desperate, she knows from the onset has habits or attitudes she isn’t comfortable with. This also goes for men. Any habit a man or woman refuses to drop during courtship cannot be stopped during marriage.

So, every man or woman contemplating marriage must be honest and realistic about what he or she wants, what they would do as well as accept the differences in their attitude.

Couples must be willing to accommodate those things that cannot be changed about their spouses. It is what gives marriage its strength and character. We must strive first to achieve an individuality that makes it easy for us to bend to the will of our partners without the feeling of being forced to.

This principle draws strength from the character of our children. Because a particular child is difficult doesn’t make the child less of our own. When a couple is determined to succeed, learn to focus realistically, the friendship and maturity to deal with issues, differences in their character would only serve to strengthen the union instead of destroying it.

For any marriage to work, it is more than having children. When couples are unable to find the lyrics that best suit them, the one they understand, the blessing of children alone cannot make them stay together.

Even when the man is caught pants down with another woman, with the right understanding, such matters can be handled with the maturity it deserves without tearing the family apart. It requires an agenda of absolute reality in a business involving emotions to make it work.

Mutual respect is priceless. For a man to get the respect of his woman, he has to learn to be responsible. Responsibility entails providing for the family. A man doesn’t have to be rich to do this. Even when the woman is the breadwinner, responsibility is also about giving moral support to the woman and helping her in her roles as breadwinner and mother.

When a man puts pride aside, some of the issues that look so difficult would become easier to solve.

Both parties must work at achieving an understanding, which in difficult times work to save the union from needless struggles and pains.

Importantly, couples must learn to keep their families at bay. When men give their mothers and family members too much power and say in the running of their homes, anarchy is what they get at the end of the day. The tricky nature of women makes it impossible for two women irrespective of their different roles in the life of a man cooperate to help the man achieve peace in his life. So, a man should ensure he and not his mother is in charge of his home.

Above all, couples must never fail to pray always and give the reign of headship of the home to God.

Good luck. 

What Makes A Good Marriage?

Dear Readers,

Today, we aren’t going to treat any particular letter. Monday being my birthday, I decided to do something unusual, go into our clinic to discuss one common problem couples and singles have kept asking. A problem I cannot address comprehensively if responding to one of your letters. It is a problem causing many marriages severe aches and sometimes resulting in amputations or deaths.

It is an issue which is making many wonder at the merits of getting married or the reason for marriage itself generally.

Some have said it is only for baby making, this they can do without putting up with the associated complications marriages bring.

But is marriage only for baby manufacturing? What makes a good marriage? Why is the institution facing so many problems at a time?

Too late couples realise the wrong choices they made; wrong decisions they took and things they ignored when they still had time to make amends.

The morning after is the time of reality; when couples wake to behold the face of the stranger they have decided to spend the rest of their lives with. This wonderment soon transforms to severe irritations, disappointments as well as deep-rooted regrets, which if not properly managed could lead to the collapse of the union.

But how does something so wonderful at the beginning end up being so bad? How do people who once vowed to love each other till death part them end up being such bitter enemies?

So many factors come to play in the making of a good marriage. But first let us go back to the origin of marriage. What did God intend to achieve with it and what has gone wrong with His plan?

What has brought so much pains and confusion to a partnership that was designed at creation to bring so much joy and fulfilment to the human race?

God, in the Garden of Eden after creating Adam realised he needed a companion, a helpmate, someone to share his space and drive away the loneliness from his life.

In His wisdom, He took a rib from one of Adam’s to create him a helpmate—the bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh.

So why didn’t He simply form Eve from earth like He did Adam? The essence of this is to remind the woman of her place in a man’s life and the man, to always offer protection and care to the woman. And the fact that once the decision is made to become one, there is no going back because the bone removed from a man’s ribs cannot be put back, so also the blood that has come together cannot be separated.

Unfortunately, a lot of couples are oblivious of this. Women most especially forget that when they leave their parents’ home for their husband’s, new ways must give way to old ways.

Many things couples complain about in marriage actually started manifesting long before they took their vows; goes back to the time before they met.

How many young men and women prepare for the institution right from the time they start becoming aware of their bodies? How many youths actually study marriage like a compulsory subject; one that has the power to define who they become in future?

How many of us see the marriage institution as one we must do well in to make it in life? Important to what we become in life?

To address some of the problems couples have in marriage, young men and women must begin early to plan for their marriages long before they meet their partners. This stage entails that they have a real imagination, not the storybook idealism so many young ladies nurse. It entails being able to recognise from the beginning the potentials as well as the possibility of ending in marriage. This would save a lot of couples the headache of wrong choices as well as the characteristic regrets that come with it.

It would also help couples know what to focus on when they are having a relationship.

The success of marriage begins from the very first day a couple decides to date. This help to stabilize the couple as they deal with the politics of the early days of marriage, of combining families as well as their different schedules. These are must challenges which when combined with the task of self-discovery would be too much for a couple to handle without tempers flying and the use of unpardonable words.

Because marriage is more of who we are in the inside than what we look like on the outside, a lot of time is needed by any young man or woman to think of the sort of person that has the ability to bring out the best in him or her.

Just like we prepare for our studies and job interviews, young persons must learn to prepare for this institution they never graduate from.

Marriage requires understanding from both parties to survive difficult times. So the first quality is understanding. When a marriage has understanding partnership, most issues become easier to manage. Lack of understanding is the bane of most marriage because it breeds suspicion and disloyalty. When a woman understands the nature of her husband and the man his wife, nothing anybody says would cause problem between them. It makes it easier for them to second guess each other perfectly and know when an issue should not be brought up or reasons for certain actions without the explanation from the other party.

It makes the wife most especially able to handle the issue of infidelity. If when it happens, this understanding makes it possible for her to forgive.

With understanding comes unconditional friendship. To be friend with someone, you have to understand the person’s shortcomings. A knowledge of a person’s shortcomings makes it easier to make the necessary adjustments in favour of the friendship.

When couples learn to become friends, forgiveness comes easily and issues become easier to resolve. Unfortunately, many couples play up the issues of sex and love, refusing to appreciate that good sex can only happen when a couple functions in an atmosphere of pure friendship and understanding. Love also cannot happen without mutual respect, a solid by product of friendship.

Love is living oneself in another’s body. Love is taking in the complete essence of another person without complains, suspicions, impatience as well as tolerance.

Therefore, for love to happen, plenty of selfless sacrifices have to have taken place because love always demands of us something very precious. But because most people have succeeded in juxtaposing sexual feelings for the real thing, marriages are increasingly being burdened with issues it has no business dealing with. This is why more and more couples are finding it difficult to find their equilibriums and couples going their different ways.

What is love and what is sex? Are they one and the same? What is the place of sex and what is the significance of love? What is the difference between having sex and making love?

Sex is the animalistic urge we all feel. It comes so strongly and sated by mating with any available person. It has no feeling, promises, niceties, responsibilities, tenderness, respect, friendship, consideration, companionship and co-operation love envelops. Sex can happen with anybody.

Love is however the quintessence of everything that makes man special and different from all other animals. It is deep, thoughtful, an act, comes with all the features sex has not. It is a complete package that comes from the soul, something very rare which can only happen between a couple that are very good friends, understand what they are doing and have respect for each other. These are the conditions for quality lovemaking, the type God intended for man and woman can happen. When a man and woman come together in the dance of flesh, it is not only to satisfy an animalistic urge, have babies but also to renew the vow they took to cherish and love each other till date.

But the issue is how many couples have this, a thorough knowledge of what love means; deliberately set out to have it?

For a marriage to succeed this clear distinction has to be made; dating couples should invest time to study their different values as well as develop a rare type of respect that makes friendship possible.

When premature sex gets into the way, it makes unbiased assessment impossible because feelings that should not be placed get given pride of places. The end result is the disappointment that has made marriage more of a battlefield rather than a partnership of loving emotions.

From the very beginning couples should learn to patent their relationships to favor them and not attempt to live their lives through another man’s dreams.

Next week, we would discuss the specific duties of the man and woman to each other.

Good luck.

My Marriage Is In Serious Trouble

Dear Agatha,

I want you to help me as quickly as possible because my marriage is in very serious problem. I recently found out that my husband cheated on me and the person involved is the girlfriend he left for me.

I found out by accident. He forgot his phone at home and going through his text messages, I chanced on this one written by his ex-girlfriend expressing regret at what happened between them.

She begged my husband to forgive what happened and promised it would never happen again.

I know she is married so I don’t know what could have happened to make them do what they did.

Naturally, I was very hurt because when my husband came in, I challenged him with the evidence of the text I had read. Before then, I had called the woman to give her the tongue lashing of her life. I called her unprintable names.

In fairness to her she simply told me sorry and hung up. She must have switched off her phone because I couldn’t get through to her again.

This increased my anger and believe me if I had her husband’s number, I would have called him to tell him what happened between his wife and my husband. At least her home too would have been on fire like mine. Instead, I waited for my husband.

He didn’t say anything beyond apologising for the mess. He explained that none of them planned for what happened. That she came to explain the problems she was having with her man and while she was crying, he took her into his arms to console her and that was when the unexpected happened.

When I told my parents what happened, my father pleaded with me to forgive him that the reason he gave is genuine and that it happens to even the most responsible men.

Agatha, to be sincere I don’t know what to do. I have refused to allow him near me.

The other woman too has come to my office to apologise. Even though I disgraced her the first time, it didn’t stop her from coming the second time.

Even if I want to forgive him, how do I do that? How do I get the other woman too to suffer what I am going through in my home? I feel she has no right to keep the peace of her home while mine is on fire.

It is so difficult not to hurt her back the way I am hurting inside. Please help save my marriage.

Alicia.

 

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Dear Alicia,

Your marriage is intact and would remain so if you are matured enough to let go. Life isn’t always one-plus-one equals two.

In most cases, the additions we get from life simply don’t add up, refuse to follow all known mathematical formulas.

In the first place what is marriage? What does it mean to you? When you were marrying this man, what dreams did you have? Why did you choose him above all the men who came to you? What makes him different? Can you remember? What are those extra special things he has that you know you cannot live without?

These are the things you must remember now that you are going through so much pain at what he did.

I appreciate the extent of your hurt and emotional betrayal but when you add up all you have going for you as a couple, you will realise that your marriage is worth fighting for.

There is no marriage that doesn’t have its high and low moments. At least your husband showed remorse; unlike the experience of a whole lot of other women whose husbands would dare them to do their worst.

That he is begging you and not querying you for going through his phone is an admission he didn’t mean to hurt you.

Unpardonable as what he did is, certain situations just happen without it being premeditated. From what he has explained and the text of the woman, the affair wasn’t planned.

It happened without any one of them planning for it to occur. Temptations come in different forms. Some we can avoid, others simply happen from the blues without any warning or premonition.

What happened between them is a classic case of temptation without any notice.

The mind took advantage of their former relationship and closeness. At the point he took her into his arms, he simply wanted to reach out to a friend, one who was suffering and needed comforting. At that point neither of them knew that it would lead them into committing adultery.

She too didn’t intend it to happen. She came to the only person she knew had the ability to make her forget her pains; an obvious testimony of the type of relationship they both had. When two people part amicably, they remain the best of friends. Because they had both been in a situation where each offered the other comfort, love and support in trying times. It wasn’t out of place for him to take her into his arms to comfort her.

He did it out of a deep need to comfort a friend. He cannot be blamed for trying to ease the pains of a friend. Truthfully, both of them might not be able to explain how they got to the point of making love and may not have known what was happening until it was too late.

This is because of the familiarity of the positions. At one point in their lives, these hearts beat as one, were free to explore and give to each other without restrictions. At the point he took her into his arms, the past replaced the present; their bodies remembered what it was like; their hearts received with joy the familiarity of their love blocking reason from interfering.

Without contesting it, this is no excuse. However, maturity and a deep understanding of the dynamism of the human body and minds would help you comprehend what happened between the two.

From the extent the other woman is going to placate you, it is obvious she didn’t meant it to happen. What would you gain by telling her husband? Isn’t the guilt of knowing she broke her own vows effortlessly, causing your home pains more than enough for her to cope with? Nothing you do or say would compare to the burden of her guilt. Don’t also lose sight of the fact that a problem she is having with her man brought her to your husband in the first place.

What happened between them is innocent but if you insist on punishing her and telling her husband, you may be setting the stage for the break-up of your marriage and their come back as a couple.

Listen to your father and allow bygones be. A terrible mistake has been made. Don’t complicate things further for you and everyone else. Learn to forgive them so you don’t end up being bitter and resentful of every good thing happening around you.

Ask for the wisdom and tolerance of God to overcome this period of your marriage. Forgiving them would make you the heroine in this saga. It would make your husband more determined not to hurt you again and that woman an ally later.

The happily ever after in marriages comes from the sacrifices we are ready to make for it during a storm like this one.

With the right attitude and a firm faith in God, you will overcome it and come out stronger and better.

Forgive them and give your husband the chance to make it up to you. To be frank, extra marital affairs are best tackled on one’s knees not by fighting.

Good luck.

My Husband Is Adamant

Dear Agatha,

This situation is a little bit tricky for me. My husband wants my 18-year-old daughter to marry the son of his business associate to cement a business deal.

According to my husband, the deal will change our lives forever and would afford my daughter the opportunity of travelling abroad since the man lives there.

The problem, the man in question is 40 years of age, has two wives here in Nigeria before he relocated to the United States. These wives and their five children stay with his father in Nigeria.

I have tried to persuade my husband against this arrangement but his mind is made up and he has vowed to deal with anybody who stands in his way. Not even his mother who tried to intervene on behalf of my daughter would he pay heed.

As part of the deal, his business partner has already given him a new jeep as well as a promise to transfer to him through my daughter one of his houses in Apapa.

Agatha, I am helpless because twice my daughter has tried to commit suicide but for the mercy of God. I have been warned in the church not to allow my daughter into the marriage because of the immense danger that awaits her.

His mother too gave my husband similar message but every warning has fallen on deaf ears.

Since meeting this man, my husband’s attitude has changed, so much so he doesn’t attend church services anymore. He goes out all night and comes back in the early hours of the morning with the explanation that he had to attend business meetings.

Initially, I thought it was another woman but with his insistence that my daughter marries a man old enough to be her father as his third wife is giving me goose pimples. I have this feeling that my daughter is being led to the sacrificial table.

To cap it all the man in question has not bothered to call my daughter once despite the fact that the wedding is expected to take place on October 25. Only his father and my husband are making all the arrangements. Strangely too is the fact that this man has no wife of his own staying with him, except for the two daughters-in-law. Two of his wives have passed on and the other two live outside his home with their children. When I pointed this out to my husband, he told me to mind my business.

I don’t know what to do or what has suddenly come over him to make him now more interested in wealth than his family or his religious beliefs.

Recently when the pastor came to talk to him about this, he told the man of God to leave his house and to forget he has a member in him or in his family.

Having followed your column passionately, you are my last hope because frankly I am down spiritually with all these problems.

Please help me because I have a strong premonition that might daughter’s life is in danger.

My mother has said I should bring the children to the village to stay with her. Is it wise? Please help me because I’m confused.

Funmilola.

 

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Dear Funmilola,

A drastic situation demands drastic action not because they are the most reasonable but the most logical at the time.

If this situation demands you ferry the girl out of the house to protect her from the unknown danger lurking in the corner, don’t hesitate to do it. The powers controlling your husband will not make him see reasons until it is too late.

And this is certainly not the time for you to be confused or weary in the spirit. This is a time you need God the most.

You need to be strong for your husband and family. From all that you have said, it is obvious your husband is under certain influences beyond his control. These authorities are making him misbehave. For him to have driven the pastor out of his house speaks volume of what is happening to his spiritual life.

To be weary is to give in to these powers too and give up the peace and harmony of your family to them. No matter how heavily weighed down you are by this problem, pray you must because God is the only one that has all the powers in heaven and earth to defeat forces you and I as human beings cannot confront, let alone battle.

Also, your daughter should wake up and fight for her life. Attempting suicide is a very cowardly thing to do. It won’t get her father to listen to her nor would it change the cause of things. The only thing that can is to confront her situation with prayers.

Yes, whatever happens to her would affect you being her mother but she would suffer the major consequences. It is her life that is being toyed with. At 18, she isn’t too naive not to know what awaits her if this wedding goes through.

Let her join you in the praying herself out of this situation because this is the beginning of a foundational problem she and her children may never get out of.

Marriage itself is a covenant between two people and when the reason for it is shrouded in mystery as profound as the ones surrounding this one, it calls for real caution because once performed the covenant of oneness, inheritance of every other positive or negative covenants begin to work in the lives of the couples as an entity.

Whatever binds the wife or man with other agreements spill over to the other party. This is why you and your daughter must fight this through God Himself because if even she survives, like the other wives, she would never be able to live a normal life.

There is something wrong with a man who drives away his own wife and inherits his son’s wives.

Ordinarily, your husband should be worried about this man and the nature of his business but since he has chosen to ignore this important issue because of his own interest in the man’s wealth, he lacks the moral will to make a decision on this matter. You must therefore step into his shoes and protect him and the entire family by calling a family meeting outside him on how the situation can be managed.

Since his mother too is against his decision, it would be easy to rally your in-laws to support your decision to send your daughter away for now. Confront them with evidences of your fears, information about the man, his son and all the other women that have been married to either the man or his son. Even if they know about the change in your husband’s attitude, still recount everything to them for them to really appreciate the issues involved. Let the decision of where to send your daughter come from them because you need them to cushion whatever repercussion would come from the decision.

The girl in question is more of their daughter than yours hence the essence of gaining their support for your actions.

But before anything, go to God in prayers. He would show you how to go about it and please get the pastor and the entire church to stand in gap for you because the battle ahead might affect your own marriage as well.

It takes the grace of God to engage the devil in a duel of victory. So put on the armour of God to save your family from the cloud of doom that is gathering against its happiness and peace. Wealth without God’s blessing will not bring peace and joy. This is the point that is lost on your husband, which only God can give him the knowledge of.

Good luck.

 

I Can’t Forgive My Husband

Dear Agatha,

How does one forgive and forget the image of your husband making love to his mistress on his office table?

It happened 18 months ago when I walked into my husband’s office unannounced. I didn’t go to his office intentionally but my car developed a mechanical problem when I was coming back home from the shop. It was getting very late; workers were homebound so the bus stops were filled with commuters waiting for buses.

Since his office wasn’t too far and I, not up to waiting endlessly at the bus stops for either a bus or taxi, I decided to go to his office so we could go home together.

The house-help and my mother were at home so I didn’t have to worry about the children.

Looking back now, I regret not taking the bus option because it could have saved me the emotional stress these past months.

When I didn’t see the secretary, I thought she had closed so I walked into my husband’s office expecting to see his happy surprised face.

Till date, I am still to come to terms with the scene I met.

In fairness to him, he has done everything to appease me; including reporting the matter to our pastor. Everybody has pleaded with me to forgive him but I simply cannot bring myself to. Since that unfortunate night, I have refused to sleep with him or share our bedroom. I have moved my things into the children’s room.

Now the issue is, he might have resumed dating other women because unlike when we first started having problems, when he came home early and stayed with us throughout the weekend, in the last couple of weeks, he has taken to coming home late.

I also noticed he has not been eating at home too.

My mother who has also noticed the dramatic change in him is blaming me for pushing him too far. She has never supported my treatment of him; insisting it is the way of men.

He is 40 while I am 35.

I really don’t know what to do or forget that scene. The scene has become more vivid as I wait in my room each night to hear the sound of his footsteps when he comes home.

I still love him despite everything but I am still very hurt.

Ebunoluwa.

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Dear Ebunoluwa,

If you love this man, your home and children, you would have since forgiven him for his betrayal of your love.

There is no questioning the fact that he hurt you beyond measure; betrayed the trust of your love and marriage but to deny him sex for 18 months is taking his punishment too far.

In a heart that has love, forgiveness comes very easily. You are unable to delete the image from your mind because you have refused to allow yourself feel love for him. You have put on hold all those things that bring you happiness and forgotten how it all started.

Even in the world of fairy tales, there is always a period of pain, disappointment, sacrifice as well as forgiveness. In life, there is always a period when one person must do all the planting while the other seem to be doing all the harvesting.

That you found him in the arms of another woman doesn’t make him less of your husband or the love he feels for you inferior. Men have the habit of acting first when it comes to the issue of sex and women before thinking. This is because they get stimulated by the things they see while most women get moved by touch.

Yes, it is no excuse for what he has done but so also is the extent you have gone. Leaving him wild in the cold for that long has turned the table against you.

And if you are not careful, you would be held responsible for driving him out of your home. Honestly, there is no way you can defend keeping him out of your bed for this long. He may have done what many women consider unpardonable but only the insane would applaud what you are doing.

There is no way you can remain under his roof and deny him access to your body. It is either you quit his home if you cannot bring yourself to accepting him back or bury the incident and take him back fully into your life. There are no half measures to marital problems. Once a couple decides not to end the marriage, all efforts must be applied to make it work, move it beyond the point of crisis to the point of breakthrough. 

The danger of this moment in your marriage is the risk of losing him to another woman completely. Do yourself a favour by moving back into your room. The pains of fighting the other woman for supremacy of his heart would be too much for you to handle because once he finds the peace and satisfaction he isn’t getting from you, he would find it difficult to let go due to fear of the possibility of you not completely forgiving him.

You are his wife so do everything possible to bring him back home. There is no marriage without problems and if you must know, you don’t have the patent on the situation you are going through. It is one of the oldest problems women all over the world daily contend with. It is a problem that cuts across, race, religion, status and tribe. Not even wives of servants of God are insured from this agony.

It contributes to over 99 per cent of all marital problems. As a result many women have learnt to endure it, not because it is right but for the simple reason of not conceding your home to another woman.

Think, whose interest would it be if you refuse to forgive him? Yours or his? Painful as this may sound, he is the one having all the fun at your expense. Sex is not a weapon a woman can use effectively. It’s usefulness as a weapon of punishment is rendered ineffective because the man can always go outside to catch his fun. The punishment only exists for the woman since she dare not go outside her home for it.

Tell me the truth, have you enjoyed not being able to express your feelings, feel the comfort of his hands and body? Have you also not suffered the deprivation of not having him close to you especially on cold nights? If you are honest, you have also suffered greatly because your marriage has neither hit the rocks nor are you a widow.

You have feelings too; feelings that need him just as much as he needs you.

You must act fast because he has gone beyond the stage of caution or respect for your feelings. If you push him any further, he might call your bluff completely and bring the other woman in. Then it would be too late to fight because he has given you all the time in the world to forgive him. Some men wouldn’t even bother to wait that long before jumping back on the train of infidelity.

The day you move back, send him a text message inviting him to come home early. Give him a good dinner and follow up with a re-union he would never forget. After 18 months, he deserves the very best of you.

It is only after you have him back, you can now tell him all about your pain and disappointment at his attitude.

When a man strays, you don’t beat him back into line through force. You can only conquer the situation through unconditional love and forgiveness.

Demand for God’s wisdom to succeed in your marriage.

Good luck.