I Want To Be His Sole Girl

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem which has been bothering me. It has to do with a boy I met last year. I love him so much and equally in love with me.

When we started dating, he didn’t tell me about any other girl in his life. Instead he promised to care and love me. Hence we started dating.

I actually discovered the existence of the other girl by chance. I had gone to visit him at home when I met him and the other girl.

He later explained to me that the girl was his ex. He subsequently begged me to forgive him.

At that point, I decided to let go but he pleaded to the contrary. After a while, he instructed me not to come to his house without first placing him on notice. To avoid problems between us I accepted this instruction.

Recently, I tried calling him to inform him of my intentions to visit him but he was not responding to my calls so I decided to go all the same.

On getting to his house, I discovered he was with a girl inside the room so I decided to leave unnoticed.

The next time he came to my house professing to love me more than ever before.

I am so confused I don’t know what to do. What do you suggest I do to get his full time attention because I love him so much? Please help me out.

Worried Baby.

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Dear Worried Baby,

Isn’t it obvious this man doesn’t love you but only after what he can get from you and your body? If he cares about you, why would he insist you inform him before coming to visit him? No man who has serious plans for the woman after his heart would dare make such suggestion to her.

Telling you to call him before visiting him is a clear demonstration of his lack of respect for you or your feelings for that matter. If you are wise, forget everything about this man because he is wrong for you. He would end up hurting you more than he already has done. So far you have given him the authority to treat you shabbily. Had you protested his demand you call him before coming to his house the moment he made such a proposition, he would have gotten the message that you weren’t ready to play the fame his way. With this sort of man, you just must learn from the very beginning on how to place the right value on yourself else if by the slightest chance of destiny you end up as an item, he would continue to treat your feelings with disrespect and levity.

As far as this man is concerned, your love for him isn’t worth the piece of paper meant for the trashcan. The only person he cares about is his person. He doesn’t care if you are hurt or not provided he is able to have his cake of fun whenever he likes.

In the first place, if he has any iota of respect for you, he would have from the very beginning told you about his girlfriend as well as the unfinished business between the two of them. Meeting her at his house that day would have been a perfect opportunity for him to introduce the two of you and a subtle way of telling the other girl that he has since moved on with his life.

Allowing you to go before coming to beg for forgiveness followed with the instructions of you giving him pre-knowledge of your movement to his house underscores the value he places on your relationship.

I know that love can hurt especially if genuine on one’s part but the truth is that it takes two to tangle. This man is not just ready to tangle with you on full time basis. He is still interested in playing the field, a desire that would not only cause you emotional pains but capable of destroying your belief in love.

If you continue to expose yourself to this inconsideration on his part, it would come to a stage you would lose total confidence in the game of love. You may begin to also lose confidence in yourself leading you to raise the destructive question of his behaviour being as a result of something you have either failed to do or done.

Even if you manage to hold on to him, he would never give you the peace of mind required for you to enjoy being in a relationship with him as you would always wonder what he is up to whenever he is not with you.

Going by his behaviour he has already demonstrated his lack of need of you in his life. Allow him to sweat a bit to keep you. It is the only way you can know for certain if he is really interested in you or not. Giving in cheaply to his rule would make you the victim of this so-called affair, which from where I stand, only exists in your imagination.

Your love or confusion should not make you gloss over all the evidences of his carelessness and disrespect for your person. When next he comes to you, tell him you are no longer interested in him. Let him know what you saw and how that incident has finally helped you make up your mind about him.

The irony of this is that your love will never be enough to make this man clear up his act. He would continue at his lifestyle as long as he knows you will always be willing to put up with it. Telling you to phone him ahead was meant to gauge the extent of your limit and by accepting that gave him the confidence he needed to go ahead with his way of life.

Even if you would go back to him, give him time to think about what he wants out of life, you in particular. Take him on the condition that he is ready to change and know what he wants from life. Being firm would safe you a lot of emotional aches and pains in future.

Good luck.

How Can I Groom Her Feelings Beyond Mere Pal?

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I met when I went to tutor at one of the coaching centres in Ado-Ekiti.

I couldn’t talk to her then because of my schedule. I had to combine the coaching job with my study. Unfortunately she left before I could make my intentions known only for her to surface in my school as one of the new students.

Since the coaching centre had already provided us with a previous meeting point, we instantly became friends until the day I told her of my feelings for her.

She turned me down insisting she only needed me as a friend in her life, nothing more. She added a little blackmail that if I really cared about her as I professed, I would allow the relationship run normal.

But my worry, being a product of a strict Christian home, she may never consider my request. What should I do to win her love because I really love her?

Friday.

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Dear Friday,

Patience and sincerity! Her final disposition towards you would come from your own attitude and understanding of what you really want from her.

Unlike the majority of girls that would be convinced to a date with you on account of your words alone, this one needs evidence of your sincerity as well as willingness to do things right.

So, you simply have to do as she says: be a good friend of hers until the trust to take the relationship to the next level is actualised.

Being from a strict Christian home, she has been inculcated with some moral values, which she must keep, and she has come to expect same thing in people especially the man she hopes to spend the rest of her life with.

There is no way she would agree to anything on face value due to this orientation. Granted that some of these ideas may sound too rigid at first but overtime, you would come to realise that they are not as overbearing, if remains the only way to get the woman you love.

What she is teaching you is to be patient and focused. She is through her attitude teaching you one of the prime lessons of life, developing the determination to follow your dream with a vision.

With every determination comes a discipline.

You can win her love by giving her unconditional support to be who she wants to be.

By giving her support in her study, and be there for her whenever she needs a shoulder to lean on, will eventually convince her that you are to be trusted. And would also put you on top of her list when she is ready to fall in love.

She has to be convinced that unlike most men your age, your interest is not in her body but her person. Whatever her parents must have told her, she needs concrete evidences that she can take you home to them and stand by the decisions she has made with the full conviction that she made a reasonable choice.

Waiting for her to be ready means you also want her for the right reason.

This means you have the opportunity to think about what you really want from her. A lot of time, we go into relationships for the wrong reasons. You may think you like her enough now but over time may discover that whatever you thought you had for her wasn’t so fantastic to make you want to keep her permanently in your life.

Becoming her friend enables you to observe her without the complications young persons usually have to deal with in their relationships these days. Once a dating couple is able to eliminate premarital sex, it gives them the chance to objectively examine the flaws and strength of their characters.

Once you and this lady are able to achieve an understanding occasioned by true friendship, if you both eventually find yourselves in a relationship, you won’t have any of the problems young couples have and even when you have any need to disagree, you will have the friendship to effortlessly overcome such differences without causing a major quake in your relationship.

Importantly you must learn to respect her views on issues that are important to her. You may not always agree with her but let her know you respect her and you are a responsible person to be with, would convince her of your love.

Good luck.