Dear Agatha,
I have a friend who is 19 years of age, and has only senior secondary school certificate.
Her parents sent her to stay with their village pastor who promised to render assistance to her. She had been living with him before he got married. For reasons best known to the pastor’s wife, she didn’t particularly like the arrangement leading to constant problems for my friend in the house. She is almost due and the situation between her and my friend has degenerated to the point that my friend has been sent packing to her father’s house.
A few days ago, the pastor called asking her to come back to the house.
The question is do I tell her to go back or stay put in her father’s house? She has knowledge of computer, which in my opinion can fetch her employment on which she can begin life with.
But this man being the village church pastor gives the entire issue a different dimension and makes it a little bit more complex. What do I say to my friend?
Worried Friend.
Dear Worried Friend,The best thing is for her to stay back at her parent’s to avoid being cited as the reason for another woman’s marital problems.
Being a single lady makes her a potential threat to the other woman who may never truly comprehend the true reason her husband is interested in having her around him. Irrespective of whether the man involved is a pastor or not doesn’t stop the wife suspecting the nature of their relationship.
This is particularly so because she wasn’t involved in the process that brought the lady to live with her husband, or is she close to the lady’s parents for that matter. Had the girl come from her, she would be able to endure her presence.
Even, if the woman is ready to accept this lady what about her family and friends? There is always the fear of the unknown, the temptation of the flesh. A single girl staying alone with a man has its implication and is bound to attract comments from people around. His being a pastor would not stop the imagination of people conjuring up scenes in their minds or stop gossips about them from spreading.
The picture of the two of them living together before the appearance of the wife, is one whose image will never fade for a long time. Whatever attitude the wife may have put up might not be unconnected with the stories she has heard. No woman, no matter how trusting of her husband would ever be comfortable with her man sharing his space and home with a single girl without a chaperon.
If she has displayed any hostility towards this girl, it is only because she is trying to protect her home from the unknown danger of another woman taking over. She may not be justified in her attitude but when a woman is out to secure what is hers, fairness is the least of her worries.
In her shoes too, your friend too might find herself behaving in like manner. Only a few women would gloss over the fact of a single woman who is unrelated to their men staying together all alone in the same house. Life has taught many women and men too to be careful. Being a pastor especially, such situation is one he should not have allowed because a village community is too small a place for suspicion and gossips about them not to flourish.
The inability of the man to protect her from whatever attitude the wife may have put up is to dispel whatever suspicions and misreading may have been generated by the presence of the other girl in his house. Should he insist on the wife being polite and accommodating of the girl beyond what he can defend, it would compromise his own happiness at home.
Sincerely, there is no way the wife would ever be completely happy having her around. Going back would only cause more complications for your friend later. Being a first time mother, the pastor’s wife would naturally require assistance with the baby. For your friend, there is no escaping offering help as often as she is required to while staying in their house.
To complain would make her appear like an ingrate, to stay on would make her very resentful of the situation her parents’ financial inability has placed her because each day always bring along with it fresh challenges.
Again, it is doubtful if the pastor would be able to fulfill his promises without the full support of his wife. There are limits to how far a man can help an outsider without the wife’s support. Given the relationship between your friend and the pastor’s wife, it would be almost impossible for the pastor to make good his promises. The pastor is after all still human and subject to what is happening in his relationship.
Beyond his spiritual responsibility to his sheep, he is not under any obligations to take on the responsibility for your friend’s education. Doubtless he may have made a promise but if the conditions for fulfilling the promise are causing him problems in his own private life, he has every right to back out of that promise. To hold him accountable to that promise at all cost would be stretching things too far. The man may not have been destined by God to help her at all. In life we come with our special helpers from God, sometimes people we don’t even know while those we know and think would be of help don’t help. Had he asked God before making the promise, this challenge he is facing from his wife wouldn’t have happened.
In order not to cause problems for herself, whether now or in the future and to protect the pastor, his family and reputation, she should consider other options available to her.
Her secondary school certificate is more than what most people started out with. If she is industrious and determined to make something out of her life, her knowledge of computer operations is an added advantage.
She doesn’t have to stay with the pastor and his wife before she can go for further study. Let her stay with her parents. If for nothing at least she would have the peace of mind to source for a job.
What happened to her may be God’s way of telling her that this arrangement would not favour her and that it would be in her interest to look elsewhere for help.
With whatever she makes from her job, she can save to further her education to the level she wants to.
Besides, life is about sourcing for self-opportunities and not relying on people to think for one.
As a friend, you should not stop encouraging her. She would always need your support to reach her zenith in life. Join her in praying for her God given helper.
Good luck.
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