Marriage: A school where no man graduates

Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626


Dear Readers,

Thanks for all your good wishes for me as I add another year today. I really appreciate every one of you. May God bless and keep you all for your kind and warm wishes for me. As usual on my birthdays, we are going into discussion on a topic that stood out through the year. We would be discussing marriage because it continues to be an issue from generation to generation.

Agatha.



The marriage institution remains the only one mankind would never be tired of. Unlike other institutions, no one is expected to graduate from it. From the very moment a child is born, he or she is expected to go into it one day and prayers at most christening ceremonies underscore this thinking and expectation.

Ironically, despite all these expectations, it is the one institution we are least prepared for. This is why it appears to be having problems, why marriages seem not to be working along the line God designed it. Many a time an exaggerated impression is presented about the institution that is far from reality. Apart from the references we make to it, there is very little attempt by the society to give proper tutorials to youths going into this all important institution. There seems to be a conspiracy of silence by everybody to conceal from the youths the real challenges inherent in the institution.

The consequence is akin to writing an examination without studying or preparing for it. Little wonder the first thing many newly-weds think of when reality dawns, is to end the whole thing. The ignorance and false impression with which many youths are today going into marriages is responsible for the high statistics of divorces the society is experiencing today.

Recently too, wrong ideas and values coupled with the refusal of the society to talk more freely about our collective mistakes in our various marriages, the difficulties we as parents are having managing those mistakes, our regrets and lessons from our experiences are also contributing to the quality of marriages the society is producing.



Bothered by what has now appeared to be the trend in both young and old marriages, I have decided to write on this topic with emphasis on the preparatory stage leading to marriage.

Every successful relationship cum marriage must begin with a vision. Though cosmopolitan in its nature, for it to work, a couple must learn to personalise it. Every man or woman thinking of marriage must first have a personal idea of what he or she hopes to achieve in life. If we all dream of what we want to become in future, shouldn’t we think of the vehicle that would help us sustain the dream of who we want to be? This is the basis. Without this basic vision, it becomes almost impossible for any man or woman to have an idea of who would fit perfectly into one’s life plan. The consequence of not knowing what one wants leads to the mistake of settling for the first person that comes not minding if there is an agreement of the mind, soul, and spirit.

A bad marriage can capsize the most promising of dreams. A man or woman could be blessed with the most superior intellect, but if unfortunate to have a bad spouse such intelligence could pass for foolishness and go unnoticed. Without appearing to castigate any gender, men are the worst victims of bad marriages given their God ordained role as head of the family. While a woman can endure, find ways of making herself happy by devoting all her time, love and attention to her children, a role women are playing very well, the man ends up a drunk, an adulterer or a complete failure in life. Unfortunately the same system that produced his failures turns round to mock him.

Many a time the attraction between a man and woman does not go beyond the inside of the lips. It takes a more than a chance meeting; an exchange of vows to make it work the way marriage should work. There is nothing like they lived happily ever more in marriage, rather it is they lived a life of absolute determination to make it work. Tolerance, selfless sacrifices, patience are the backbone of successful marriage story.

One party must be ready to do more of the sacrifices for the other person.

Unlike the romance books qualifications of Tall, Handsome and Rich (THR) must have features for a man; Tall, Slim and Beautiful (TSB) for the woman, the real world is more complex than this. Experiences and statistics point to the fallacy and emptiness of these expectations. A man or woman can be beautiful inside but very ugly outside. Therefore the success of marriage isn’t measured by physical but by the inner qualities of that person.

Because of the roles the genders must play in the success of a union, the man must be focused along the line of responsibility and support for his family. A man who lacks the ability to command respect for himself and plans for his family success vis-à-vis hard work, would never get the full support of his wife.

The man may not make enough money but if the wife sees his efforts, she would have no problem giving him all the encouragements he needs by her unconditional support. This is the reason a man must find himself a woman who has the strength of character as well as the needed patience to see her man through difficult times.

The worst mistake any man can make in life is to marry a woman who lacks the patience to give him time to succeed. Young men in search for a wife must avoid a woman who is constantly comparing them with others, making unnecessary demands or appear in a hurry to hit the peak in life. True love is patient, kind, isn’t envious, self-seeking, rude or proud.

It glows with understanding and a willingness to support at all times. It comes from the heart and not from the face. Its strength is its ability to go the extra mile for the sake of that person he or she loves.

The right kind of woman or man would never apply unnecessary pressures on his or her partner. This is because the interest and happiness of the other person comes first. Any man or woman who exhibits own interest above the feelings of the other person is bound to end up a very selfish partner, one who would never be able to identify with the pains or emotions of his or her partner.

Marriage to this kind of person would never produce the kind of happiness or empathy that binds two individuals trying to make the journey of a lifetime together. Any person you cannot identify with, lacks the capability to feel what you are feeling is best avoided because communication between the two of them would be a tough struggle.

A couple must be able to communicate effectively, because without it the marriage becomes deaf and dumb to their needs as individuals. The result, two people living in the same house professing to be married but are in the real sense of the word strangers to each other. When therefore sourcing for a partner, look for that person you can talk to as well as talk with. You must share certain common interests, be happy with each other’s company and flow in conversations whether or not it is an opened or silent form of conversation. This makes it possible for couples to grow trust, guess the reactions of their mates on all issues and proceed to defend the absent partner at all times. Communication creates the important platform of trust and loyalty in a relationship/marriage. These are the basis for a great friendship in every relationship.

From experience love isn’t what keeps a relationship alive but the quality of friendship it has from the beginning. Friendship is the cement of compatibility every relationship needs to seal the broken line, heal the cracks of unfaithfulness, water down anger and protect the relationship from external interventions. If I stand here to assure you that a relationship is a cloth that fits perfectly, I would be telling the greatest lie. It has to constantly go through the processes of adjustment, shrinking, stretching, ironing and stitching to fit every occasion or issue that comes up between the couple.

Once the couple is unable to find that element at the first and second meeting, it might not be advisable for them to go on. To ignore this salient fact is to postpone doomsday in a relationship.

At all times, the woman especially, should have a sense of complete loyalty to her man irrespective of his condition at any given time. His happiness rather than the size of his purse should be her concern at all times.

A nag isn’t the kind of person to marry no matter how attractive or successful. No matter the level of one’s patience, a nag can erode whatever attempts the other party is trying to make for the success of the union. You can always tell a nag from the way he or she reacts to situations. Whereas others would gloss over it, a nag would never tire of referring and complaining about it.

Both men and women are social animals, which means we all want to be appreciated for one thing or the other. A word of appreciation goes a long way in getting the best out of a person or situation. A person stingy with appreciation for an effort made or given should be avoided since it would take a miracle to please such a person.

Sincerity remains the major strength of every relationship. From the very beginning don’t pretend to like what you don’t like or lie to yourself about anything. Reject what you cannot cope with immediately it comes up because marriage is a journey of a lifetime. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lie to him or herself. It is the perfect recipe for a disastrous marriage.

Granted, marriage is a journey of the unknown, more like a wrapped gift item. However, many of the disappointments can be avoided if we do our homework very well. A good student is the one who prepares adequately for an examination. There is no time that is too early for a young man and woman wishing to make this all important examination to begin preparations.

My prayer is for every one of you here to have a happy home.

Good luck.

He won’t stop seeking sex…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am 20 years of age and in my third year in senior secondary school. I have a boyfriend that is 28 years, an unemployed graduate. I love him very much and praying that God will make it possible for both of us to get married. He really has all the qualities I have always wanted in a man, but he is always demanding for sex. Please help me out.

Funke.



Dear Funke,

Be careful. It is all right to fall in love and have dreams about the future with the kind of man you think would make you happy.

However, there is the need for you at your age to be cautious. There are so many reasons for you to be careful and be watchful of the men you allow into your space.

For you, it is not so much about your age but the academy years you have ahead of you. If at 20, you are in SSS3, it goes without saying that you are just starting out in terms of your educational journey in life.

In the first instance, you don’t even have the basic certificate to pave your way into higher education; the reason you should forget about men for now and concentrate on your studies. You need to pass convincingly well to gain admission into the university. This is because out there are millions of successful secondary school students looking for admission into the university. These days, only the best of the best are admitted into the universities or polytechnics.

This is why you should concentrate all your efforts on your eduation. He has nothing to lose but you have a lot to if you allow him into your body. Not only do you risk getting pregnant but also ending your education at least for the time being.

And by the time you are ready to come back to your educational pursuit, you may not be able to withstand the social shame of going back to finish your secondary shool considering the age you would be at that time.

If this man really loves you, he should patiently wait for you to be ready as he is, finish your study like he has done.

He should know that sex for you now would be a huge distraction. Besides, with what does he plan to take care of you should an accident of pregnancy occur? Any man wishing to be intimate with a woman must have the resources to take care of her when incidences like unplanned pregnancies occur.


Next time he demands for sex, in addition to telling him the kind of future you plan for yourself, ask him how he intends caring for you and a baby if the act leads to you becoming pregnant?

And if he insists on quitting the relationship on account of you not giving in to him, allow him go. Chances are what you think are the right qualities may not be. Don’t be afraid to subject what you feel for him to test. Relationship as with every other thing in life has to be subjected to the different ounces of life.

Be bold in taking your destiny in your hands. There is always time and season for everything. Your season now is to pay more attention to your study and not to place the matter of relationship above what is important to you now. Your ideal man should be more interested in growing your mind than your body.

Good luck.

My father’s mistress is my mum’s friend

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I have always known that my father is having affair with a woman in our neighbourhood. He is always with her and the woman happens to be close to my mother through another friend. This other woman through this friend is now a regular visitor to our home, to the extent that she brings edibles like fruits to my mother. During a recent party in my mother’s family, she not only accompained my mother but was among those she trusted with the cooking and distribution of the food.

I have caught my father severally with her but I don’t know how to warn my mother about this woman she is beginning to get close to. I am afraid for my mother’s life. I don’t want to lose her to another woman’s desire to become my father’s wife.

My father is the kind of man that doesn’t discriminate against any woman that graces his bed. I suspect my mother knows some of his escapades but may have decided to look the other way to preserve her marriage.

Please help me. My mother is really getting too close to this woman for my liking. I am 21 years and the first of my parents’ children. I am too young to be without a mother especially my kind of mother who is responsible for our education and feeding. Without my mother, I won’t be graduating next year at all.

Agatha, I am afraid. I don’t know how to introduce the subject to my mother without breaking her home.

Lola.



Dear Lola,

For a young lady of 21 years of age, you are very sensible and caring. You definitely have all the reasons in the world to be apprehensive because a lot of women have unwittingly fast-forwarded their deaths by befriending their husbands’ girlfriends.

You don’t have to tell your mother the real reason you don’t want her close to the woman to avoid problems in your own family. Your mother may know about all the other women, but finding out that she has unknowingly become very good friends with one of them may really hurt her beyond words.

For a woman that has put in so much for her family, she may not be able to endure the embarrassment of this incident. It may be the last stroke that would break the camel’s back.

There are three things you can do on your own without your mother ever finding out. The first is to go directly to your father. Without being rude, let him know that you are not unaware of his affairs with other women. Tell him while you are willing to ignore all the other women in his life, you will not tolerate a situation where he brings into the house his girlfriend.

Knowing that you are aware of the nature of his relationship with your mother’s so called new friend would moderate his reaction to you especially as he isn’t in a position to exercise excessive authority over you.

Besides knowing that nothing about his other life is hidden from you will make him consider so many things. Most men don’t like losing the respect of their children. He may not be able to control his libido but once you confront him with what you know especially as it regards his girlfriend’s association with your mother, he would take the steps to ensure the two are not friends again. Trust me, men are very good at terminating relationship between their wives and friends they don’t like.

Subtle threats of holding him responsible for anything that happens to your mother would make him really act fast about putting an end to the relationship between your mother and his girlfriend.

Your second visit should be to your mother’s friend. Again, be civil until you find out if she is aware of the relationship between the other woman and your father. But don’t neglect to tell her all you know about what is going on between your father and the other woman. Threaten to report her to your mother and her husband as well as telling the whole world what you know if anything happens to your mother. Chances are she would personally end the relationship to protect her name if not necessarily to protect her relationship with your mother. No woman wants her marriage to break down, so once you make the threat of telling her husband about everything, she would think twice about continuing with her friendship with the other woman.

The final visit is to the woman herself. Here, you don’t have to be subtle or respectful because her kind of woman doesn’t deserve such courtesy. Go with the determination of confronting her. If you cannot go on your own, enlist the help of a male cousin or uncle. Let her know that the next time she comes to your home to see your mother she may not be lucky to go unhurt.

If possible, report the incident of your visit in the nearest Police Station incase she gets nasty.

By the time you finish with all three of them, this woman would stay out of your lives for good.

Also try discouraging your mother from accepting things from people she is just meeting. You could warn her by claiming to have bad vibes about this woman.

Above all, there is the need to really talk to your father afterwards. Find out why he thinks he has to be involved with other women to make him happy. Listen to him even if you think he is wrong. He may really have one or two points against your mother, which you may not be aware of.

Also ask your mother one or two probing questions concerning her marriage and relationship with your father.

This way you would know how to really help your parents have a happier home and marriage. And don’t neglect to rest everything about your parents in the hand of God.

Good luck.

He’s calling for sex 2-month after childbirth

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a first time mother. My baby is just two months of age and my husband is already asking for sex. My pleas that I am not ready for such intimacy are falling on deaf ears as he keeps insisting that he cannot cope any longer.

It isn’t as if I have any problem stopping me from getting close to my husband but my mother warned me that it was bad for a woman still breastfeeding to allow her husband come near her. She says the baby would always get sick because of the sperm in the mother’s body.

She says it is always best for the mother to abstain from sex until she stops breastfeeding. I asked a friend of mine who began having babies before me, she said her husband didn’t bother her, was contented to wait until she was ready to resume lovemaking.

Other women I asked gave me conflicting answers. I am now so confused about it all hence my decision to ask you for help.

Another reason is that I am not as interested in sex as such. My husband on the other hand is almost addicted to sex. For me, all the attention and demands can be very tiring. I honestly see this chance as my opportunity to rest from his massive attention. But I am also afraid that my refusal could spell doom for me as my husband isn’t the kind of man to exercise too much patience when it comes to sex.

Another thing is how can I bring myself to enjoy sex as much as he does?

Bisi.



Dear Bisi,

Many things go into the making of a perfect marriage and one of those things is honesty. If you are having challenges with the incessant sexual demands of your husband, let him know exactly how you feel about it instead of hiding under a different matter to solve an issue you will never go away from in your marriage.

The more you pretend it isn’t an issue, the more complicated your marriage becomes. And by the time you finally want to talk about it, like a very busy tailor’s thread, the tangle will be too complex to undo. The line between happiness and sadness is so thin, thus your need to be very careful.

This is because bad sex brings with it a load of confusion, suspicion and disloyalty. If your husband is the kind of man who has a suspicious, chances are after a while he would begin to suspect your motive for not flowing with him in the bedroom. And if you happen to be close to a male colleague or a friend of his, chances are he would begin to imagine and impute things that are not into an otherwise innocent relationship.

By the time you realize the reason for his grouchiness, a lot of things would have been affected in your marriage, some beyond repairs or remedy whatsoever.

The flip side of this is pushing him into the willing arms of another woman. Once he strays into the hands of another woman, desperate to have a man in her life, getting him back may not be possible because she would give unselfishly that thing you are finding difficult to give him.

Besides, don’t forget that being married, he has a right over your body. If he doesn’t get it from you, where do you expect him to go? To the arms of another woman?

Even if he agrees to let you be for now, it is temporary. It can never be a long-term solution to the issue you have raised.

Sex is an important ingredient in every marriage. If you want your marriage to last forever, it has to be given its rightful place in your marriage.

What you should do now is to find out why you are feeling stranded in your sex life with your husband. When did it start? If you didn’t marry as a virgin, how was it with you and other men? If you married as a virgin, what is he doing wrong? Is there a particular way you want him to handle you?

To ensure you get a very comprehensive solution to your problem, don’t be shy. Marriage gives you the right to say and demand what you want from your spouse. Like him, there is nowhere you can run to when your body thirsts for that thing that pleases it the most. No matter how uninteresting you find sex most of the time, there are certain days you will feel like having it and would want him to perform at full capacity. Try imagining your feelings if he does it half-heartedly without passion or consideration for your feelings? You will naturally feel bad and unwanted, isn’t it?

This is what your husband feels anytime he makes love to you and you are not putting everything into it. He could be deliberately avoiding a discussion in that direction because he doesn’t want to hurt you but that isn’t to say he will not be bothered about the issue.

This is why you should build up the courage to face the issue squarely. By asking yourself why you appear indifferent to sex, you will find the clue to coping with your husband’s high demands. Chances are if he gets quality performance from you, you could persuade him to cut down on quantity.

Marriage is a journey of compromises. You must be ready to give up something for something. You cannot be under his roof and dislike sex. Of what use then are you to him? He can get any woman he wants to cook, care for his house as well as have children for him. But the reason he wants you in his life has to do with companionship and unhindered access to sex when he feels like it. You are in his house to check his excesses as well as ensure he doesn’t have any reason to stray. The moment you fail to provide him with the essential material, you leave him no choice but to look elsewhere for it.

Sitting him down for a dialogue will help him realise his mistakes and you appreciate your essence in his life. Together, both of you would work something out; something that would make your marriage overcome whatever is thrown at it by life.

Such talks would also help communicate your desires to him on what you want and expect from him. You enjoy sex the best when happy, relaxed and accommodating of the other person’s abilities. It also helps to have a broad sense of adventure.

On the issue of lovemaking affecting the quality of your milk and having negative impact on your baby, it isn’t true. As long as you are comfortable, don’t have any incision that would take time to heal; you are medically fit to resume intimacy with your husband. Medically, after six weeks of normal delivery, a woman can have sex.

I am sure your doctor must have told you at your post-natal examination this. In those days, women used breastfeeding as a form of birth control; a device they used in spacing their children. And in those days, their husbands had more than a wife; hence if one was incapacitated by childbirth, the man had another woman on queue to satisfy his urges.

Women in monogamous marriages cannot afford such luxuries because men are moved by sight. A woman, who leaves her husband out in the cold for too long, should blame no one but herself if he finds pleasure in the arms of another woman.

For the sake of your happiness, ignore your mother’s counsel. Your baby is safe. There is no way sperm in your reproductive system can get into your breasts. It is designed by God to stay within a woman’s reproductive organs and not in any other place.

While the baby has to feed, you also have to keep your husband satisfied as his wife. The woman is equipped by nature to handle both roles as mother and wife effectively. The moment a woman allows one function to overwhelm the other, it signals problems for her and the home.

If he is the impatient kind, it follows that he is only enduring the situation because he loves you. Don’t push him into doing what he doesn’t want to do because you may not be able to handle the repercussion at all.

Furthermore, desist from discussing issues like this with friends because what works for them may not work for you. Men are different in nature. While some men have the patience and power of endurance to stay without sex for a long time, other men cannot stay without it for more than a day. So if you consult a friend whose husband isn’t particular about it, you will get the wrong counsel because she doesn’t have your kind of experience. Since it is a medical issue, the ideal person is your doctor.

Above all, never leave God outside your marriage. It is important.

Good luck.

She plans to leave her man for me…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

Thank you for your selfless services to many people through your column.

I am involved with this lady I met online. At the beginning of our relationship, she was reluctant to visit me from her Ibadan base. Later I got to know the reason for her unwillingness. I discovered it has to do with the fact that she is sort of engaged to the father of her daughter. She got pregnant when she was in one 100level at the university.

When her family and that of the boy discovered her pregnancy, they met in a formal introduction of the two families.

She has since gone back to school as is certainly not waiting for her would be husband to secure a job so that they can formally tie the knot.

We became intimate when she finally agreed to visit me and have been in her follow up visits.

Without persuading her, she is insisting she is happier with me than the father of her child. She is of the opinion that she will achieve her dreams effortlessly with me than she would with the other man.

Despite pointing her at the odds against a relationship with me considering the bond of a child between her and the other man as well as marital commitment, she is adamant.

Each time I suggest we go our different ways; she reacts in a way that makes me very fearful. She completely goes limp on me.

According to her, she has tried to get me out of her mind but discovers it is very difficult, she simply cannot imagine a life without me. I do love her also despite everything.

What do you suggest I do? She has assured me of pulling away gradually from her boyfriend irrespective of the consequences for her actions on her daughter as well as those of her parents.

I keep insisting we go our separate ways but she is very stubborn about her decision not to leave me.

Please help me.

Concerned Man.



Dear Concerned Man,

You have made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who isn’t really free in the sense of it. Don’t complicate your life any further by giving in to her persuasive powers.

The facts are she is a mother and has a subsisting commitment to the father of the child.

Morally and spiritually, whatever she is having with you is not right. It wouldn’t have been wrong had she not agreed in principle in the presence of the two families to marry the man.

Until she takes the steps to terminate formally the agreement and recognition of the formal introductions of both families, that man remains her husband under the native laws and customs of her people. To date you is to court adultery.

Her feelings for you or that man doesn’t invalidate her official status hence the need for you to tread carefully with her if you don’t want the ominous clouds gathering to dispel on you. The contents of this cloud have the potentials of scorching you if not now but later when you least expect. How would you feel if the woman you have all your hopes on suddenly decides to betray you with another man the way this woman is with you? Happy or pained at the betrayal?

Life comes in familiar circles. The people may change but the patterns never do.

If she has any reason to change her mind, going out with you isn’t a solution. She must first terminate her relationship with the other man before contemplating anything new with another man. If she is sure of her feelings for you as well as the needed courage to advertise it, she should first go to her man and confess her change of mind to him. She does have the right to change her mind but what she doesn’t have the right to do is to attempt a shortcut to the issue. She has no right to use you to settle her differences with this man. She doesn’t need a reason to quit, she needs only a certainty to know that no matter how much she tries, the man is wrong for her. For now you are only a reason for her, not a conviction that her relationship with the other man lacks a viable future to peg.

Before going to bed with the other man and having a baby for him, didn’t she know he lacked what she wanted from life? Relationship isn’t only about the good times. It is also about the bad times. If she lacks the will and desire to make this one work, what assurances do you have she won’t also abandon you for a more exciting man?

Like I said, she has the right to quit her agreement with the father of her child but it mustn’t be because she has an alternative in you. She must take time off both of you to reflect on what she wants from life, determine why the other relationship isn’t going to work and what makes yours different.

Until she does an honest appraisal of her life vis-à-vis her involvement with the two of you, there is the danger of her becoming more confused with you as the years roll by. And you must be careful not to end up as a pawn in the hands of a determined woman looking for a reason to do something.

Based on her honesty and full knowledge of what she wants, future interactions with the father of her child would be less acrimonious. This is because that child would always need her father and for her to be a good mother, she has to present him with good reasons for quitting to make things cordial between them.

Therefore, as a mother, she must care about the consequences of her decision on her daughter and the family of the man. This is not like the regular relationship where future interactions can be avoided once the relationship is extinguished. The presence of a child between them means they have a permanent link till eternity. And if her reasons for quitting are simply because of the excitement of something new with you, chances of them coming back together is high especially if the man and the child get together to pressure her into it.

Besides, there is also the matter of pressures you would also face in your family. Would your family support the idea of you marrying a woman who has a child? Can you cope with the relationship that would continue to exist between this woman and the father of her child?

These are real issues you have to pay attention to. New challenges would confront your romance once it goes public. Your friends and family would not stop asking you what you see in a woman who has a child.

Do you have enough feelings, guts and faith in your relationship to overcome these pressures? Deep down do you love her and ready to marry her if another mistake of a pregnancy comes from your intimacy? Is she your dream woman?

Her feelings for you may be genuine, one of those out of the blue situations, which defy rationality. But if you haven’t considered all these the time is now before you find yourselves in a situation you would never be happy in.

And if you are really serious about quitting, her reactions won’t matter. Instead of dancing round the issue, in the interest of all concerned, both of you should face the issue with all the seriousness it deserves to avoid more regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.

I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.

I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.



Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.

SL.



Dear SL,

Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.

And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.

It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.

No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.

It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.

This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.

You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.

For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.

Good luck.

She left after 10-year dating but…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

Reading through your column in the ‘Daily Independent’ Newspapers, I must confess you are really doing a good job.

I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship with a lady, though two years younger for the past ten years, until late last year when she walked up to me to inform me of her love for another man.

I was devastated by her announcement because l loved her so deeply. Amid tears she told me her parents don’t approve of our marriage plans because we are from different parts of the country. She is from the South East while I am from the South West.

Right now, I have secured a good job and in a fresh relationship with a new lady. She stood by me during those bad moments. I am really trying to love her the way she deserves to be loved but each time my ex calls me, my heart beats. I am quite disturbed. Please advise me.

SL.



Dear SL,

Her voice still has the power to bring about this feeling in you because you haven’t been able to stop loving her. Ten years is like a lifetime. For these years, she was the most important woman in your life. She held your heart and life in her hands.

And if those ten years were spent investing on growing and patenting your relationship to suit your uniqueness as a couple, of becoming the most important persons in each other’s lives, of being best of friends, it would take a while for you to be able to get over the disappointment of her leaving you.

It would be most difficult for you in particular because you didn’t envisage losing her to another man or packing up the relationship. And coming without warning or internal problems between the two of you makes the suddenness of it all more than you can cope with now.

No matter how much you try, it would take time for you to completely rid your memory of thoughts of her. Don’t try to force it, allow it die prematurely.

It might even take a lifetime especially if your relationship was of the premium kind, the type that grows better with each passing day.

This thing is to appeal for support and understanding from your new woman; understanding not to be jealous of yesterday’s memories as well as support, to overcome to a reasonable extent, the intensity of your feelings for her.

You must also make the effort too not to get into the dangerous habit of comparing her person or character with your former girlfriend. Learn to love her for who she is; give her the time and opportunity to make you happy and to carve her own niche in your life. This is important if you hope to spend the rest of your life together.

For now until you are able to control your feelings for her, avoid taking her calls. But let her know why you won’t be doing so for a while. If she truly loves you and wants you to be happy, she would respect your decision to stay away from her for a while.

Good luck.

Lovemaking looks like torture to her…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife of two years. Since getting married to her, it is been challenging. I have done all I know to help her improve on her performance but nothing is working.

Although she wasn’t a virgin when I met her, from her disposition and attitude that first time, I thought she was.

When I asked her what her problem with lovemaking is, she initially didn’t open up but just started to cry. I was alarmed and knew something was very wrong somewhere in her past.

She eventually told me how her stepfather repeatedly raped her for two years until she ran away from home to stay with her grandmother.

Only her paternal grandmother knows about this episode. She gave her all the protection she needed so didn’t have to go back to her mother and husband.

But that was all she could provide. My wife went through school afraid of men generally. I was very persistent and since her single status was becoming a huge concern to the grandmother, she had no choice but to accept my offer of marriage.

She is one of the nicest women I have ever met. She is very respectful and supportive of me. I really love her so much but I don’t know for how long I can put up with her attitude towards sex. She cries each time we make love. Sincerely, I can’t call our intimacy a lovemaking experience; it appears more of a rape to me. From the expression on her face and her body language, there is no denying the fact that she only endures it all. Deep down I think she sees me as her stepfather who happens to be the only man who has had access into her body until she met me.

I really don’t how to make her come out of it. I feel dirty and like a monster forcing her to do what she doesn’t want to do.

This is one issue, I cannot discuss with my friends or family members because I don’t want anyone mocking her. It is too sensitive to our marriage. You know how cruel people can be. The knowledge that people know about it would crush her completely; I don’t want her hurt than she already is.

Being a woman and mother blessed with usual wisdom, I want you to help us get out of this problem.

Jonny.



Dear Jonny,

In addition to whatever I tell you, there is the need for her to see a psychologist. The wound is deeper than you can handle. All the memories of her abuses by her stepfather are deeply etched in her mind’s eyes.

It would take care and extra understanding by you to help her forget it all. You are doing it all wrong. What she needs first isn’t you teaching her how to make love, but how to come out of her shell. She needs you to help her achieve a better understanding of all the veriables life offers her. She needs you to make the sacrifices to make her happy again.

It couldn’t have been a pleasant experience for her to be constantly raped by a man who should be her father as well as protect her from what he was doing to her.

She must love you to allow you near her. Other women in her shoes ended up not being able to trust any man again and elected to become lesbians.

She needs expert help to come to terms with what happened to her; tell her it wasn’t her fault and how much damage she is doing to herself by remaining in the shadows of what this man did to her.

She has to be told too that refusing to move beyond the point at which she ran away from him is like giving the man all the powers in the world to continue to hurt her forever.

For now, you may have to stop having sex with her since she is still very bothered about her past. Sex can’t be what it should be for her. She has to see a difference between you, your need of her, and her stepfather’s interest in her body.

She has to learn to trust you because that is the only way she can give you her body and soul. What you have now is just her body. Her attitude speaks volume of her mindset about any form of intimacy between her and any man.

By abstaining from being initmate with her, you are exposing her to the other kind of desire a man has for a woman. Granted she is your wife but you need to woo her properly, take her to places, show her how wonderful life can be between a man and woman.

Show her that while the ultimate end of any relationship between a man and woman is lovemaking that it is also possible for a man who cares about a woman to go the extra miles for her. I am sure you didn’t envisage this kind of challenge while you were dating so may not have given the courtship detailed attention as you should have. Had you done that, you may have succeeded in unknowingly dousing some of her fears about men and closeness to them.

Beyond her fears about sex, you also have to get to meet her real person, not the frightened woman who is your wife. Between the time she was repeatedly being raped by her stepfather and becoming your wife, she lost a lot of her original person. You have to help her find and make reconnection with that person all over again.

Before she was raped, she had dreams and plans of how she would achieve them. She must have dreamt of getting married one day and having children. All those things she planned to do became infected by the demonic desires of a man for sex.

So many things must have been going on in her mind at those moments. Top on the agenda would be hatred for all those who should have protected her.

First is against the father who through death or divorce isn’t where he is supposed to be to protect her. She would equally blame the mother for marrying a man who is a monster. Deep in her heart, she feels betrayed by everybody. In a twisted way too, you happen to also fall into the category of those to be blamed on her list.

Every night or day you demand sex from her, you are taking her back to a time she wants to desperately forget. Your blame is not allowing her to forget the experience completely.

If you can afford it, take her away from familiar environment, to a place she has never been too. The experience would relax her to talk about her carefree childhood days, before the stepfather came into her life.

The essence is to give her something pleasant to remember, bring back the smile of her younger days, help her to remember how to smile, hope and be happy. It is also to make her your friend. Once she is able to bring herself to talk about her past, she is on her way to recovery as images of her happy moments would begin to filter into her mind from time to time.

She is becoming rigid and frigid because she has completely blocked out everything that reminds her of her former life.

Your duty as her husband is to make the sacrifices of clearing away all the dirts of these unpleasant memories. Show her unconditional love and encouragement. By being nice and extra gentle with her, she would eventually come to see and desire you as a man. This is because you are through your actions building new and promising memory bank for her, giving her somehting to look forward to and a dream to nurture.

We all need to cradle a dream at every point in our lives else we become zombies that function on the order of others around us.

No matter how terrible her former experience is she would eventually begin to feel a desire for the man that you are once you expose her to how caring a man can be.

Once she is able to cross over, it would be easier for you to enjoy intimacy with her, help her learn how it is like for a man and woman who are in love to achieve oneness in marriage or lovemaking. You have to teach her there is a difference between crude, raw sex, and true lovemaking.

Also, learn to pray for her because only God can completely erase such terrible memories from her mind. One man took away her dream, be the man who gives it back to her through your determined effort to make this marriage work at all cost.

All her life, no one outside her grandmother has made any sacrifice for her. She needs you to do it for her and urgently too before you also get frustrated and unable to move beyond the point you are in now.

Good luck.

Her love seems waning…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

You are indeed a rare gem when it comes to tackling of affairs and relationships. My sincere prayer is for your hands to continue to be lifted higher.

I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 21. I met her while in a serious relationship with another man. We actually started as causal friends until my feelings for her changed to something deeper. I fell completely in love with her even though I was still with the old one.

After a while my old girlfriend, became involved with another man. I didn’t know but when I got to know, I used it as an excuse to quit the relationship to enable me concentrate on my new relationship.

We are so much into each other that I am already planning a future together with her. But of recent I discovered some changes in her nature. Apart from not sending text messages as before, she also doesn’t call me as often as before.

In addition she seems very uncomfortable these days in my company.

When it was becoming too obvious, I had to confront her about the changes I noticed in her attitude towards me. She told me nothing was the matter but I am very worried even as my friends think she is only trying to test me to know my kind of person. Where I stand with her since I don’t want to lose her?

TO.

Agatha, I want to know



Dear TO,

There are several ways to deal with an issue. Sometimes solutions are not resolved through dialogue alone; at times it helps to go beyond talking to demonstrating one’s desires and thoughts.

There is no contesting the fact that your relationship needs more flesh and squeeze to make it work reasonably well.

Her reaction may be induced by fear of the speed at which you are going. At 26 and 21, marriage shouldn’t be the first thing on your lists of priority.

Certain things must be in place before you begin to get serious in that direction. It is good to have a dream, but what is important is the kind of nurture and plan that goes into conceptualising that dream. Beyond the passion you feel for this lady, what kinds of preparation have you put in place?

As a man, what if she gets pregnant along the line, are you capable of playing your role as father and husband in your present position? One thing is to love, desire and dream, but another thing is for one to have the ability to make the dream soar.

Your desire to be her husband can only be achieved, if you exercise the patience to plan well. What you should do is to sit her down to hear her plans for herself and to share yours with her. Between sharing yours with her and she telling you what hers are you will be able to talk about the future without pretenses.

From this conversation, you will be able to have a preview into her kind of persons and dreams. It would give you a clear idea if you are the kind of man she needs in her life to make it happen for her. You may love her but if you don’t have the ability to help her achieve what she wants from life, it may not work at the end of the day.

You have to give her reasons to stay. Check yourself; put yourself in her shoes? If you were a woman, would you take yourself serious?

She could be the kind of woman who is looking for substance in her man, and not one who dwells only in flowery love prose.

Find out first who she really is to enable you know how to respond to her person. Don’t expect her to act like your ex.

Good luck.

She’s too cunning to be taken real…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a man of 28 years of age dating a lady, 23. We started dating about four months ago and I love this girl very much because she has all the qualities I want in a woman.

But my problem is I don’t know her at all. There was a time I called her on phone and heard a guy’s voice. When I asked for the identity of the man, she told me he was her brother who came for a visit.

I asked that the phone be given to him so I could speak with him. I asked him about his studies as well as his department. I discovered he was also in the same department as my girlfriend.

During the course of our conversation, he said my girlfriend had told him so much about me. I was confused because all along, my girlfriend gave me the impression that her brother was working.

Agatha, do you think this girl loves me? Could that boy be her school boyfriend? Could she be using me?

I am confused. Please help me.

Confused Boyfriend.



Dear Confused Boyfriend,

Both of you are just starting out; hence need time to know each other. Commitment isn’t something that happens in a day. It takes a lot of time and devotion to make it come out in the right texture.

Nothing would work between the two of you if you begin to question or suspect every move she makes or her motive.

Both of you are coming from different backgrounds as well as lives. Before you, she had a life just as you had one too. She may not have totally disengaged from a relationship she was in before you came along. The average girl these days likes to slowly, dip one foot into the river before making up her mind on whether to put in the second foot.

It is a kind of security because just as men are afraid of being disappointed, women too are scared of having their hearts broken. It is a matter of trust for a couple to make a relationship work well.

What you should do is to pretend you haven’t noticed anything. It takes a lot of sacrifices to achieve a good relationship. In every relationship, one person must be gentle and deeper in wisdom than the other person.

As one aspiring to be the head of a home, you have to learn to cope with the nature of a woman. You have only just met four months ago. It would take more than this time for you to know who she is. There is a huge difference between who and what we all are. Unless she has only one brother, this one could be another brother of hers in school. Besides, he could be a close cousin.

You will look stupid if after reacting negatively, the man turns out to be who she says he is. This is why you have to make the sacrifice of lack of complaint. Learn it as a virtue if you want to live with a woman successfully.

Like a house, a relationship must have a very solid foundation to be able to carry the weight of the building that would stand on it.

If both architect and structural engineer don’t work hand in hand to ensure that the right materials are used in the right places, such a building may collaspe eventually or develops severe problems later in life.

The same thing goes for a relationship. You and your girlfriend must come to the drawing board with dummy visual of the kind of relationship you want to have. Both of you must agree to something that would work for both of you.

To do it right and get the kind of commitment needed to drive it to complete fulfilment, you have to go the extra mile.

Don’t also forget at 23, she may not be as ready as you are. At her age, a lot of men would definitely be around her, seeking her attention. This is the time a man waits with the patience of the dove.

To get it right with her and earn her trust, be a good friend, don’t frighten her too much with too many questions for now. Like a child feeling its way through slippery terrains, be cautious until you have the confidence of her character to insist on certain things.

She may really be in love with you for now but if she discovers you are too suspicious, she may, out of fear, retreat. It can really hurt when one isn’t guilty of an offence he or she is being accused of.

I am sure you also have one or two female friends or relations in your life that will never leave your life. This boy could just be that kind of friend whose real identity she is afraid to devulge to you for fear of what you would say. If she weren’t used to sharing her thoughts or life with anyone, it would take a while for her to begin to. A lot would depend on the kind of friendship you are offering her.

Don’t forget that we are only ambassadors of the different enviroments we grew up. Just like you are a product of your background, she is also a reflection of all the different people and friends she has come in contact with.

It is too early to think she is out to deceive you. Get to know her better to avoid you coming to the wrong conclusions. A little dose of patience will answer all your questions clearly.

Good luck.

I fought my husband’s mistress

Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently discovered through my husband’s text messages that he is having an affair. When I tried to find out from him who the lady is, he denied having any other woman in his life and asked to know who has been feeding me with the damaging information which in his opinion could break my home.

At first, I didn’t tell him how I found out but later told him, I went through his text messages. He didn’t say anything beyond warning me never to go through his phones since he doesn’t bother with mine.

I was so angry at his reaction that I called the other woman, whose number I had transferred to my phone, to stay away from my husband. There was no name I didn’t call her and even warned her that if she didn’t stay away from him, I would deal with her in a way she would never forget.

She must have told my husband about my call because he came back home very angry. He again warned me to allow things be; that I shouldn’t push my luck.

I didn’t listen; I had to fight for my husband and home so I made more investigations and found out where she lives and works. To my pains, I discovered that she isn’t just his girlfriend but has a set of twins for my husband.

We have been married for six years and have done everything to get pregnant but I haven’t been able to. I was so enraged that I fought her right in the presence of her children. I broke her head with a bottle I found in her sitting room. But for the intervention of my husband, I would have been arrested and locked up by the police. The woman too pleaded with her neighbours to allow me be.

It was after this incident, I found out that the woman is actually his ex- girlfriend who lost her husband early this year and, that her children actually belonged to her late husband. Though she is interested in coming back to my husband, he isn’t. I felt like a fool when I found out the truth from her.

Now my husband is throwing me out of the house without even giving me a chance to beg for forgiveness. He says it would be better off for him to go with this woman after all.

I want your help to resolve this problem because I really want and love my husband. I did all those things because I didn’t want another woman in his life. None of his family members want to intervene on my behalf because in their opinion I am too violent and rude.

Please help me.

Omose



Dear Omose,

There is only one person capable of making your husband change his mind, the woman you went to fight in her house.

She is the only one your husband would listen to in this matter. You may find it humiliating going to the woman you thought was your rival but if you want to keep your home, this isn’t the time for you to be ashamed or bothered about what her reactions would be if you go to her for help.

Desperate situation needs desperate solution. Your husband’s reaction has to do with your conduct and the extent you went with the woman. What if she had died on that day? What would be your story or his for that matter? What would both of you be saying to the police?

He is afraid you would do something more drastic if you find out about another woman he is close to. You are getting away with it this time because of the nature of the woman involved as well as her disposition towards life. Next time you may not be that lucky. Another woman, determined to make a case with you, would insist on police involvement. By now you would have been charged with attempted murder; worrying about securing your freedom and not whether your husband is getting married to another woman or not.

Only free women worry about their marriages. Another woman would have insisted on involving the law to give her the freedom of moving in with your husband. Her refusal to make it a police case underscores her maturity and respect for the person of your husband.

Respect is obviously one thing you do not have for your husband. A woman who lacks respect for her husband stays long in his house. Even if he is having an affair, there are better ways of getting him to go off the woman. Fighting your husband’s mistress isn’t a solution to making him come back to you.

A wise woman finds out the reason her husband is having the affair. Even if you take time out to investigate the woman, it is to learn one or two things from her; the reason your husband is interested in her. It could be her appearance, conduct or the values she places on your husband.

Knowing what her strong points are is to help you know what technique to use at home in ensuring your husband has less time to spend with her. Every man desires a humble and respectful wife. They also desire a woman who is neat and conscious of what her responsibilities are.

By fighting her, you not only exposed your shortcomings to the world but also empowered all those who wonder what your husband saw in you in the first place. The refusal of your in-laws to plead on your behalf speaks volume about your person. It is certainly not complimentary for you that nobody is willing to come out within the family to plead your case. You must have overdone things severally.

Respect is fundamental. After going to the woman to help you get your man back, sit back and really talk to yourself. From this whole episode, you now know what and where your shortcomings are. It would do you a world of good, if you allow this experience to teach you how to relate with people around you.

Until recently, your husband, despite not having a child for him, didn’t think of sending you out of his house nor did he betray the pressures he must have been having from members of his family to send you away. Their reaction to what is happening now underscores the kind of things and thoughts they have about you.

Therefore he needs more than apologies from you to make him come back. He needs assurances too that he would have peace in his home as well as the respect deserving of his position as the head of his home. Chances are if you two are close, he would have made mention of this lady in his conversation with you. He may not tell you everything but would mention the death of her husband.

You have to find ways of being close to him. Although, you didn’t mention anything about what your relationship has been like, it is clear that you two are familiar strangers living together. The presence of children isn’t the only reason couples stay close. The function of marriage is first and foremost for companionship. Without it, life can be very grey and cold. And what brings about quality companionship? Peace. If the whole time you are nagging, arguing and having serious fallouts in your union, chances of both of you having a reasonable discussion as a couple becomes slim by the day.

This is what you must strive to bring into your marriage. Some babies won’t come if there is no harmony in a home. You must look for ways to communicate your desire to give your husband peace in his life. While he can cope with your nature inside the confines of his home, he clearly cannot condone with your exposing the challenges of his home to the world. By your action, you have disrobed him, causing people to mock him as being a weakling.

Before it all got this bad, there is something he saw in you. Can you remember that thing that attracted him to you; and has continued to influence his decision to stay with you? Find it and bring it back to your marriage with the help of God.

It may not be so easy to make him forgive or forget but if you are determined and truly love him, learn to be patient since the lack of it is what makes us irrational. If you had been patient, you wouldn’t have gone through his messages and even if you did, would have grown the endurance to handle it with wisdom.

By now, you should realise that most men are polygamists by nature and only a foolish woman allows her husband’s extra- marital affairs get under her skin.

Iron out your differences with your husband and stop looking for that thing you didn’t misplace.

Good luck.

Before lust for my boss ends my marriage…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am in love with my boss. I have done everything to fight my feelings for him but none of it is working. I know he is married, have met his wife severally as well as his children but these are not enough to make me fall out of love with him.
The irony of it all is that I am married too. But each time, when in the arms of my husband, I yearn for his. It is simply driving me crazy.
The issue now is that I recently cried out his name while my husband was making love with me. This is really causing crisis in my home as my husband is insisting I explain my relationship with him. Nothing I have said has convinced him that I am really not having an affair with my boss.
He is threatening to confront my boss and that would mean losing my job, which is very lucrative. I really don’t know what has come over me because despite the problems brewing in my home over it, my feelings for him haven’t changed.
I feel like sleeping with him irrespective of what happens after.
A friend I shared my problem with said I am suffering from a severe case of infatuation. The whole thing is making really crazy. My marriage is in trouble and all I can think of is my lust for a man who doesn’t see me as a woman?
The whole thing is getting out of hand and I urgently need your help before I lose my marriage of 10 years with two children as well as my job if the threats of my husband are anything to go by. Already, he has reported the matter to my mother who is even more confused than I am over the matter.
How can I get out of all these mess?
Confused Wife.

Dear Confused Wife,

Unless you take a firm grip on yourself, you risk losing everything over nothing. How can you explain calling out another man’s name while in the arms of your husband? In his shoes, how would you feel? Do you really expect him to believe your story that nothing is going on between you and this man? Everyone would think something intimate or special must have been going on between the two of you to call out his name in passion when you were intimate with your husband.
The sad thing about all these is the needless burden you would be bringing to this man and his family if your husband makes good his threat. How do you want him to explain to his family and the world that he is innocent of your obsession with him? If you were his wife, do you think you can bring yourself to trust him again or trust him enough to defend him? For you to call out a man’s name in passion takes a different kind of feeling.
It is therefore in the interest of everyone concerned that you take a firm grip of yourself. You are not a dreamy eyed teenager who sees life through rose tinted glasses. You are a mother, an adult that knows the implication of what this kind of passion can do. Don’t drag this man down for something he isn’t guilty of. There is nothing as painful as being made to suffer for an offence one is blameless of. If you can manage your spouse at the end of the day, would he be able to make his wife believe him that he knows nothing about your feelings for him?
If you truly have something deep for this man, for his sake, fight this feeling with your entire mind. Doubtless, we don’t determine our feelings towards people, but we can fight them if we want to. That is what adulthood and responsibility demand. At every point in life, we should be able to take responsibilities for our actions at every point. Once, we are unable to publicly account for our actions, it then becomes not just a burden to us but also to the people around us. This matter of your feelings has gone beyond you; it is now the concern of everyone around you.
It has become the burden and shame of your mother whose motherly skills and values are coming under scrutiny. If you get kicked out of your home on account of infidelity, irrespective of whether you did it or not, it would bounce back to her nurturing of you just as it would make people including your husband, question the paternity of your children.
When a woman’s reputation comes under doubts, she rubs it off on everyone close to her.
If you have been married for a decade, it means you are not a young woman oblivious of the gravity of not being able to discipline her emotions. What has this man got to offer you that you are not getting from your husband? For you to survive 10 years of marriage, a lot of efforts and sacrifices must have gone into it on either side. So why waste all those years for something that isn’t real, that exists only in your imagination?
However, your feelings underscore lack of satisfaction with something in your marriage. Can you identify that thing? It is time for you to think deep. Granted that a time comes in a marriage when it becomes so boring and one is tempted to look for excitements outside; it behooves couples in such instances to sit down and talk.
Rather than allow your imagination grow your feelings for this man, the ideal thing would have been for you to pause and ask yourself what is so special about your boss that is making you go weak at the knees.
Your feelings are not the wrong things, but the way you are handling it. Every attempt should have been made by you to import those feelings into your marriage and relationship with your husband.
Having lived with him for 10 years, your relationship should have gotten to a point of being able to handle everything. Although it would have been difficult to tell your husband what you are feeling for another man but not out of place to discuss your emotional confusion with him.
Being your husband, he would have been able to help you manage the situation by drawing closer to you.
Sincerely, it isn’t too late for you and your husband to mend fences. All you have to do is tell him the truth regards your feelings and thoughts concerning your boss.
You have no choice at this junction, but to admit what happened. It would enable both of you realise all the things that are wrong with your union. Without both of you really taking time out and confronting your challenges, your marriage won’t survive this problem. Whatever it is that you are not saying or afraid to admit to yourself, this is the time to say it, so that your life and marriage can move forward.
You have gotten to that point you cannot pretend everything is okay with you and your marriage anymore.
Telling him the truth would also encourage him to open up on issues he has also been pretending are normal. Once these issues are in the open, it would help your marriage a great deal, no matter how unpalatable they may appear in the beginning.
Besides talking, there is also the need to stay very close to God. Although many dismiss references to the spiritual in certain matters as baseless, but the truth is that there is no ignoring the possibility that what you are going through has some spiritual links.
On your own pray and ask God for help in confronting and defeating it. Even if you and your husband are able to resolve this, if it was spiritually programmed to destroy your home, no amount of dialogue will help. Only a close relationship with God can defeat this power of lust.
You may also have to consider leaving your job for something else. Your husband may insist on it as a precondition for resolving this crisis. Don’t fight him over it. Besides, if you continue to work in that office, you will never be able to completely overcome your feelings for this man.
No amount of money you make from that office is worth the happiness of your home and children. There is more to life than money. If leaving the job and vicinity of your boss would preserve the respect your children have for you as a mother and earn you peace in your marriage, please do it.
The action would go a long way in convincing your husband of your innocence. It is one sacrifice that won’t be too much for you as a mother and wife to make for the stability of your home. It is called removing yourself from temptation’s way.
Just continue to always ask God for help.
Good luck.

I wedded her with another man’s pregnancy

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Last year I met and fell in love with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Her beauty was enough for me. Against the advice of my family and friends, I broke off my 8-year-old relationship with my former girlfriend and married my new love precisely a month after I broke it off.

My mother didn’t bother to attend the wedding. She told me I would end up regretting my decisions to break off my old relationship as well as the haste in marrying my woman.

Almost immediately after our wedding she announced that she was pregnant. I was very happy at the development.

During the pregnancy I did everything to make her happy, irrespective of my mother’s opinion that I have been duped. She began this line of argument when I informed her that my wife was pregnant. She told me right there and then that the pregnancy wasn’t mine; that the lady I think is a saint was already pregnant before our wedding night. I told her it wasn’t possible that I met her a virgin.

Although there was no blood but she was tight as if making love for the first time. It was actually what made me make up my mind about her. She explained the lack of blood on the kinds of exercises she does to stay trim.

Less than six months into our marriage, she went into labour. She told me it was premature, but when I got to the hospital, the baby wasn’t in the tube as I had expected. When I asked her why the baby wasn’t in the tube, she said the baby was big, hence the doctor didn’t think it necessary for the baby to be in the incubator.

I had no reason to doubt her, but when my mother came to the hospital to see the baby, she insisted the baby was full term. She would have dragged me to the doctor to confirm but for the intervention of my elder sister who said we should keep our family secrets to ourselves.

Up till that point, I really thought my mother was out to make trouble, hence dismissed her claims. It wasn’t until the naming ceremony that I began to suspect something was wrong somewhere. There was this particular man that came with her friends.

He also came with a group of his friends and sat in a corner all by himself. They came with their own drinks and food. His friends were busy congratulating him and I noticed that they were all very familiar with my wife and even referred to her as their wife.

I also noticed that the man and his friends performed what looked like a naming ceremony when she took the baby to them. It was so obvious that others too noticed it because people began to talk.

It was actually my 10-year-old niece, who made the innocent observation that, my baby and this man looked very much alike. And when I looked closer, I discovered to my shock the baby was his carbon copy.

I felt humiliated and deflated because my whole family and friends noticed the resemblance between this man and my so-called child.

When I threatened to kill her later, she told me the truth about her life. She told me that the baby isn’t mine and that she used lime and alum to wash to make me think she is a virgin.

She said she decided to marry me because her lover is a married man, but whose wife cannot give him a child due to an abortion they did while in school that went wrong.

It is for this reason he cannot divorce his wife. Besides the wife’s father is well connected in the presidency and must not know about his illegitimate child else he would be thrown back into the streets where he belongs.

Now the proposition is that I keep the baby for him while he rewards me with juicy contracts until it is safe for him to take mother and child with him.

The implication is that I don’t have a marriage any more. I cannot divorce her while the contract between the man and me lasts. What do I do Agatha?

Should I go back to my ex who is still single to plead with her for patience or tell the man I am not interested in what he has to offer me; that he should take my wife and his son away from my home?

I am so confused about everything. Meanwhile my family is insisting she leaves my house with her baby immediately. Your help is urgently needed.

Olawale.



Dear Olawale,

You are the only one that can determine what you want for yourself. From the tone of your letter and your line of thoughts, you appear to lack the depth needed to be thorough in crucial decision-making.

Honestly, there is no help anyone can offer you, but the one you give yourself. Having made a fine mess of your life, you appear set to make another one because of the money involved.

If you weren’t who you are, this other man would not have the guts to make such a proposition to you nor would the woman and her child stay in your house after that show of shame. But because you lack the kind of character and ability to stay focused on what you have at hand, you will continue to make terrible mistakes.

The issue now is beyond what is happening to you. It is more a matter of you sitting down to properly plan your life. Had you done that, you would have been able to detect something wasn’t right about your new woman from the beginning as well as resist her beauty.

You would have known that there is more to a person than beauty or riches. You would have investigated more the reactions of your friends and family. It is one thing for a mother to be against the woman of choice of her son, but a different matter when friends too oppose one’s choice. You should have asked your mother more probing questions on why she thinks you have been duped.

If she didn’t oppose your former relationship wth your ex, you should have been curious to know why she was so vehement against your current choice.

At that point, you should have tarried a little bit and not allow her to rush you into a marriage you werent prepared for.

Granted there is nothing you can do about your past mistake, but you can do a lot about your current situation if you want to live a normal life again.

Yes, this man has promised you juicy contracts, but has refused to say when he would come for his woman and child. Until he does, you will never be able to marry or move on with your life. So, telling your ex to wait for you is needless. Even if she agrees to come back to you, for how long do you expect her to be patient and wait for you to untangle yourself from the maze you unwittingly walked into?

What do you really have to offer her? Deep down would you have considered her at all if things worked for you and this other woman? If you didn’t have any considerations dumping her after eight years of courtship, what makes you think she would be willing to take you back after her humiliations and emotional pains suffered when you walked away from her to marry another woman?

Feelings are not like taps that you can turn on and off, as you like. If you ever loved this woman don’t go back to her. Doing so would only mess things more for you and everyone concerned. In the first place, you are still a married man under the law, which means you are not free to promise any woman anything. Deep down do you think it would be fair to subject her to this kind of life? Had you something good and promising to offer her, she may consider and forgive you of your past mistake, but to go to her when you have nothing to give her is asking too much of a woman you have hurt so deeply.

Stay away from her and allow her meet and marry a man who truly loves and respects her. You had your chance with her and made your choice.

It would be in your final interest to reject the insulting offer made you by this man. No matter the money involved, it cannot compare to your integrity as a man. At this junction in your life, it is important for you to firm and resolute to avoid living a life of regrets and failures.

Tell him you are not interested; that he has the option of taking his child and the mother out of the country. They have a better chance of staying going unnoticed there. Someone is bound some day to find about the similarities between your purported son and the man in question. By then you would also be a target for the woman and her family.

Quietly apply for a divorce to give you the chance to another life. If you have this determination, nothing stops you from going to ask your former girlfriend for forgiveness but this can only happen if you have something positive to offer her.

You really need the grace and help of God to resist the force of money and beauty to make the right choice with your life. So go to Him in prayers.

Good luck.

She wants her virginity till wedding night…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Am a regular reader of your column, may God bless you more as you continue in your work.
There is this problem, which has been giving me considerable concerns for sometime now. It has to do with my girlfriend who is refusing to sleep with me. She is 19 while I am 23 years of age. We have been together for about two years and five months now. 
Each time we discuss the subject, she disagrees and says she will find it difficult to stop once we get started. In addition, she says she wants to keep her virginity for her wedding night.  
Agatha, I am afraid of losing this girl because I love her so much. I don’t know what to do. She does not like me talking to any girl each time she pays me a visit.  Please tell me what to do.
Ebere Obi.
 
Dear Ebere Obi,

What is the real problem here? The fear of losing her to another man without you having sex with her, or her refusal to have sex with you?
From where I stand, this letter calls to question your claims about loving her. If you really love this lady, you should trust and give her the necessary support to be who she is. 
She has told you, she cannot marry sex with other things now; it is a very honest answer. She is giving it as a condition for you to marry her. All she is saying is that you should allow her be, she wants to hold on until her wedding night. If truly you love her and want to marry her, why are you then in such a hurry?
If you don’t stop putting pressure on her, you actually risk losing her to a man more understanding and appreciative of whom she is than you. 
Besides, at 23, do you have what it takes to be a father, as she could get pregnant from her first experience? One thing is to desire sex another thing is to be prepared for the responsibilities that go with it. Do you have the financial wherewithal to support mother and child while still holding on to your own dreams?
At 19, she is just emerging from the cocoon of her teenage years and protection of her parents. She would naturally want time to know what freedom is.  This is the kernel of her fear. She has to know what she wants to know – the direction to go. You are lucky to have a woman who is this deep. Not many girls her age realise that sex is a huge distraction to one’s dream and focus. That she is able to realise this early in life, shows a young woman who is matured and has value for herself.
You would do well to allow be. It is the only way this kind of lady will respect and honour you. Importantly, you must learn to trust her completely especially as you haven’t caught her in an act that which suggests she is lying to you about her virginity or interest in you.
As long as you don’t have any ulterior motive concerning this relationship, don’t have the plans to abandon her after you have a taste of her, learn to take each day as it comes in this relationship. If God says you two are meant to be together, nobody would come between the two of you.
Good luck.

My girls have other men in their lives…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I love your response to issues. I am a regular reader of your column. I am in need of a quick answer on a challenge I am facing before I do something very wrong. 
I am a boy of 23 years of age and a student of a Nigerian University. My challenge is that at my age, I don’t have a girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t trust women generally due to my previous experiences with them. 
However, recently, I got involved with two women at the same time. One of them is an undergraduate while the other one is seeking admission into the university. 
The two of them are caring, loving and supportive of my education. I love both of them; unfortunately they are each involved with other men.  
I really don’t want to lose any of them and each time I think of them in the arms of other men, I feel sorrow and pains deep in my heart. What should I do?
Agatha I need your advice. 
Worried Man.
 
Dear Worried Man,

My first impression was simply to dismiss your letter but something deep inside of me ministered your need for help.
From your letter, it is certain that you are your own problem as it concerns your relationship with women. And until you clean up your own act, you will continue to meet with pains and disappointments.
Even though you still have a long way to go in terms of being ready to settle down, the truth is if you don’t begin from this early to get your priorities right, you will continue to get hurt.
For instance, your current relationships were programmed by you to fail and cause you pains from the beginning. How do you intend to cope with two ladies at the same time? And why those who have other men in their lives?
How do you propose to get the best out of them or grow a successful relationship? Have you thought of them meeting in your place and causing a scene? The truth is you may not lose them to other men but to your own greed and untidiness. Once they find out that you have two of them in your life, they will leave you. No woman wants to share her man. Don’t forget they are each taking risks trying to establish a relationship with you outside their existing ones. Both ladies are probably looking for more securities, assurances and stability by hooking up to you. 
To discover the man they want to take the risk with isn’t the serious kind will definitely make them think twice about the gamble they are about to take with their own relationships. Unlike you, these girls are looking for life partners. Once a girl begins to climb the 20s step, she begins to get serious about life by examining the potentials of every relationship she enters into. 
This is because a woman’s shelf-span isn’t as elastic as that of the man’s. While a man can play the field throughout his 20s, a woman serious about settling down to a family cannot take such gamble.
They are showing care and love because they each think you are faithful to them and an option when things go wrong in their existing relationship. It will certainly evaporate the moment they find you out to be a cheat.
And if things change positively in their existing relationships, they will also leave you high and dry when you think everything is working well.
The bottom line is that you should look for a woman of your own. In doing that be sure you are very honest and factual about the things you want.
To do it right, look at the trend in your past relationships. Why did they all fail and you getting hurt?
You must learn to accept your own liabilities as a man. No disappointment in relationship happens to anyone without certain assistance from that person. Our pains and aches in relationships are the end products of our refusal or ignorance to look deeper into the kind of choice we are making.
This is why it is important for you to go back in time to find out your own contributions to the pains in all your previous relationships. 
What kind of women have you being attracting to yourself or the values you put forward? What are your interests in these women? Is it money, sex, beauty or character?
And above all, what is your definition of love? Do you even know what it entails to be in love? The sacrifices, temperament, responsibilities, understanding, patience, and perseverance that go with making a relationship work?
Besides, at 23, what are your current values and visions for the future?
All these when aggregated impact directly on the kind of relationship one would have.
Going by all that you have said, there is no way you can ever hope to get it right in your relationships.
As for these girls, allow them be. They are not yours so stop hurting yourself needlessly over women who are by right belong to other men. You are their sidekicks, secret lovers, so why allow yourself get hurt by the thoughts of them being in the arms of the men they are officially linked with? Can a thief publicly proclaim his or her trade? You don’t have the right to complain about what any of these girls do with their official boyfriends. So why waste your time on ladies that aren’t yours in the real sense of it?
You will eventually be hurt. The minus side of these relationships you are in is that these girls are just as capable of cheating on you like they are cheating on their current boyfriends. 
Good luck.

Before my stepson impregnates my 9-year-old girl…

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I have this huge problem. I am so confused and don’t know what to do about it. I discovered recently that my stepson has been sleeping with my nine-year-old daughter. The boy in question is 16.

I actually walked in on them one night when I had reason to go to their room to get something. Unfortunately, my husband was out of town so I was the only one left to deal with the issue. And what frightened me is that my daughter appeared to be enjoying it.

According to my daughter it had been going on for sometime now.

They share the same room since we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My daughter told me it started one night while the father and I were away. She said they watched a film together where two adults were kissing and doing funny things together. My investigations revealed he got the film from his friend in the next compound.

My husband is naturally very angry about it but the major problem now is that the boy is still living in the house with us. Despite my insistence that the boy leaves my husband appears unable to make a firm decision.

I have threatened to quit the marriage unless his son leaves my house. What do I do as my children and I cannot stay in the same house with the boy? My husband says if he were my son, would I send him away? But the issue is that he isn’t mine and he has destroyed my innocent daughter.

I am also considering reporting the matter to the Police since my husband appears unable to take a decisive action. The boy blames it on the devil, but my fear is if nothing is done to make him pay for what he has done to my daughter, he will do it to another innocent child.

Worried Mother.


Dear Worried Mother,

You are right to be apprehensive. As long as the two of them continue to stay together in the same house and room, there is no stopping them from sleeping together.

It is unfortunate that such a thing is happening in your home and marriage. Sincerely, there is no easy way out of this because your daughter has to be protected at all cost. Her entire life and psychological well being rest on you.

This is the time she needs you the most. Since your husband appears unable to take a firm decision concerning his son, you may have to, for now take your daughter out of the house, perhaps a girls’ boarding school as a way out of the impasse.

Your husband is unable to take a firm decision because the children involved are his. Like you, he is at fix and only bidding for time. Telling him to send the boy away may appear harsh to him. With him feeling in this mood and feeling that your demand that he send his son away, it would be a futile exercise to insist on anything at this point in time. The matter is extremely hot to try to force a decision on him. I honestly understand how you feel but give him time to make up his mind while you take all steps to help your daughter live a normal life.

Once your daughter is out of the house, be rest assured that he would want the matter revisited since your daughter cannot live outside her father’s house permanently. One of the ways this matter can be resolved is for the boy to be sent to school and while on holidays, stay with his mother. If his mother is dead, he can stay with any of his relatives.

If he has to stay at home, ensure your daughter isn’t at home. The need to keep them apart is because sex is addictive. If together, the temptation will always be there for them to repeat it all over again. This is so because she has gotten used to it to the point of enjoying the act.

Granted you caught both of them sleeping together but it would be hard to prove that he really violated your daughter. From her account, it could be either way something both of them wanted and did out of curiosity at first. If you report to the Police and under interrogation says he didn’t force himself on her, what would you do? Your concern should rather be on her own acceptance of the act as an enjoyable one. This is where you should concentrate more efforts, because this is where the danger and challenge really is. At every opportunity you have, draw your daughter close and make the effort to discuss to her as an adult. Unlike other girls her age, she has experienced sex and taken a liking to it. Now, it isn’t a matter of how she got introduced to it but of her own attitude to it.

Sad as it may appear and sound, her case has gone beyond rape to that of management of her own desires as a woman. To ignore this fact is to mortgage her future. She needs you to help her come to terms with what happened to her as well as manage her desires in such a way she is able to live a normal and healthy life.

A lot of issues may later develop from this incident and if you are not on top of it, may find yourself in particular living in the pains of your discovery forever.

To be of immense help to your daughter, you must resist bitterness or making any harsh decision on this matter. One of them is to transfer your growing hatred for the child to your husband and marriage. Don’t forget that the girl involved is his daughter just as the boy is his son. No father prays to witness his children sleeping with each other.

Both of you are allowing the pains of your discovery get the better of you. You are both not fair on yourselves and children. If you allow your marriage to crash, the burden would be too much for you and your daughter to shoulder. For her, it would always be at the back of her mind that she had something to do with the failure of your marriage, and you will never be able to move on due to the burden of guilt, hatred and bitterness that would take over your life.

You need your husand, just as much as he needs you. Besides, you also need to find out from the boy why he did what he did. While I am not trying to justify what he did, he also needs help. If nothing is done to help him out of the abyss he is headed, he risks being condemned forever. Let him see a psychologist, to enable him understand the gravity of what he has done as well as the danger of this act to his future.

If you report him to the Police, you also would be exposing your daughter to undue publicity, the ridicule and gossip of those you think were your friends. It may not matter now but all these would come to play some day when she is ready to settel down. Gossips have a way of giving new flesh to already dry bones when they are out to make alife miserable for someone. It is this future you should consider in the case of your daughter. No matter how civilised we get, this kind of incident everywhere in the world is a stigma. The woman gets is the one left to protect her reputation.

Every family has its skeleton to hide. This is your own family secret. Another thing you can do is to seek the mother out if she is still alive. Get her involved. She may have just the right answer to this deadlock in your home. If she agrees to take her son, care for him and make him responsible, you won’t need to put your daughter in a boarding school.

Although this lesson is costing you so much, it isn’t right after a while to keep boys and girls in the same room these days. There is too much information at the disposal of today’s children. They can access whatever kind of information they want straight from the internet through their phones or computers.

Many of them may be innocent physically but their minds are more matured than even those of their grandparents’ of old. It is the power of advanced technology and free information.

Leaving a 16-year-old boy with a nine-year-old girl alone in a room was too much of a risk, even if they are your children. Some young girls at that age have started to sprout. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets. This is the reality of modern life.

Another thing you may not want to hear now is how well have you treated this boy? Chances are if you are the kind of stepmother who doesn’t treat her stepchildren well, it could have been pre-planned to hurt you back.

It is sad that the man gets blamed when issues like this happen but it could just be the fault of the girl too. Honestly, you have a huge task ahead of you to find out what the whole story is. It would really help you resolve so many issues you have been blind to in your home.

Be brave to face whatever comes out of it with the maturity this issue deserves.

Good luck.