My girls have other men in their lives…

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I love your response to issues. I am a regular reader of your column. I am in need of a quick answer on a challenge I am facing before I do something very wrong. 
I am a boy of 23 years of age and a student of a Nigerian University. My challenge is that at my age, I don’t have a girlfriend. The thing is that I don’t trust women generally due to my previous experiences with them. 
However, recently, I got involved with two women at the same time. One of them is an undergraduate while the other one is seeking admission into the university. 
The two of them are caring, loving and supportive of my education. I love both of them; unfortunately they are each involved with other men.  
I really don’t want to lose any of them and each time I think of them in the arms of other men, I feel sorrow and pains deep in my heart. What should I do?
Agatha I need your advice. 
Worried Man.
 
Dear Worried Man,

My first impression was simply to dismiss your letter but something deep inside of me ministered your need for help.
From your letter, it is certain that you are your own problem as it concerns your relationship with women. And until you clean up your own act, you will continue to meet with pains and disappointments.
Even though you still have a long way to go in terms of being ready to settle down, the truth is if you don’t begin from this early to get your priorities right, you will continue to get hurt.
For instance, your current relationships were programmed by you to fail and cause you pains from the beginning. How do you intend to cope with two ladies at the same time? And why those who have other men in their lives?
How do you propose to get the best out of them or grow a successful relationship? Have you thought of them meeting in your place and causing a scene? The truth is you may not lose them to other men but to your own greed and untidiness. Once they find out that you have two of them in your life, they will leave you. No woman wants to share her man. Don’t forget they are each taking risks trying to establish a relationship with you outside their existing ones. Both ladies are probably looking for more securities, assurances and stability by hooking up to you. 
To discover the man they want to take the risk with isn’t the serious kind will definitely make them think twice about the gamble they are about to take with their own relationships. Unlike you, these girls are looking for life partners. Once a girl begins to climb the 20s step, she begins to get serious about life by examining the potentials of every relationship she enters into. 
This is because a woman’s shelf-span isn’t as elastic as that of the man’s. While a man can play the field throughout his 20s, a woman serious about settling down to a family cannot take such gamble.
They are showing care and love because they each think you are faithful to them and an option when things go wrong in their existing relationship. It will certainly evaporate the moment they find you out to be a cheat.
And if things change positively in their existing relationships, they will also leave you high and dry when you think everything is working well.
The bottom line is that you should look for a woman of your own. In doing that be sure you are very honest and factual about the things you want.
To do it right, look at the trend in your past relationships. Why did they all fail and you getting hurt?
You must learn to accept your own liabilities as a man. No disappointment in relationship happens to anyone without certain assistance from that person. Our pains and aches in relationships are the end products of our refusal or ignorance to look deeper into the kind of choice we are making.
This is why it is important for you to go back in time to find out your own contributions to the pains in all your previous relationships. 
What kind of women have you being attracting to yourself or the values you put forward? What are your interests in these women? Is it money, sex, beauty or character?
And above all, what is your definition of love? Do you even know what it entails to be in love? The sacrifices, temperament, responsibilities, understanding, patience, and perseverance that go with making a relationship work?
Besides, at 23, what are your current values and visions for the future?
All these when aggregated impact directly on the kind of relationship one would have.
Going by all that you have said, there is no way you can ever hope to get it right in your relationships.
As for these girls, allow them be. They are not yours so stop hurting yourself needlessly over women who are by right belong to other men. You are their sidekicks, secret lovers, so why allow yourself get hurt by the thoughts of them being in the arms of the men they are officially linked with? Can a thief publicly proclaim his or her trade? You don’t have the right to complain about what any of these girls do with their official boyfriends. So why waste your time on ladies that aren’t yours in the real sense of it?
You will eventually be hurt. The minus side of these relationships you are in is that these girls are just as capable of cheating on you like they are cheating on their current boyfriends. 
Good luck.